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(Gravy_Xtreme_5000) · (08-12-2022)

The Road So Far

THEN!

Early morning
HOBOtown, USA

A rustling comes from inside of the trash bag tent before Micheal crawls out on his belly. Fresh to the day and still slightly in dreamland, Graves stands up and stretches his arms out with a yawn. A woman strolls past, giving Gravy a disgusted look before taking a sip of her coffee and continuing on her way. It's then that Gravy takes notice of his surroundings and realizes that something is amiss!

"What the shit!? How'd I get here!?"

Gravy looks around confused before something in the sky catches his attention, a falling XWF camera drone! Our view switches to the camera of the drone as it twirls in the air, falling with graces, right into Gravy's fucking eye!

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

The camera spirals into Micheal's eye, exiting the other side as we transition to a cleaned up Gravy sitting behind the wheel of a red Corvette and driving along a dusty highway. The sounds of Los Angeles fill the ambience. Faint music from other cars. A weather report on this damn heatwave. Faded billboards peeling from their bases.

Young Graves: Damn, man.

Micheal Graves:"This can't be happening?"

"Oh it's happening! Now, what is this Team Xtreme shit!?"

Gravy has a mini panic attack. He rubs his eyes, smacks himself, all the normal stuff.

"What's going on!? How am I here!?"

"You're driving, dumbass. The real question is WHY!? What the shit is this BarnCoin bullshit, and who the fuck even is Darren Dangerous!?"

Gravy is losing it. This isn't right! He filmed a promo with this very same sequence once before!

"NO! I mean HOW AM I HERE!? THIS ALREADY HAPPENED!!!"

Gravy's odd behaviour brings concern from his younger self.

"What the fuck happened to us? You've taken too many chairs, man!"

Gravy doesn't need this shit! Who wants to be judged, much less by a younger version of themselves who hasn't lived through the fucking hardships that you have to understand why shit turned out so sour for you. It doesn't matter though, because Gravy remembers this part of the promo, and with a HUGE grin he places his eyes back to the road and races to the next scene transition!

LATER

The brakes of the public bus squeal and hiss as the transport comes to a halt. It's door swings open, and a bloodied and bruised Might Graves steps off onto the sidewalk.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me!" He says with a lowered grumble. Suddenly a younger man looking to be in his late 20's approaches Gravy.

"Micheal Graves! I know you! You're fucking awesome!"

Having dealt with this fool before as well, Gravy knows exactly how to hasten this meeting.

"I know, but I beat off in some lunch meat once a few years back. You can look that shit up on pornhub, assuming it wasn't wiped out with all of the other illegally hosted videos earlier this year. That shit caused all of my favorite videos to get removed and the shit they replaced them with is too over produced and fake, kinda like everything that Mastermind does! Motherfucker is too damned concerned with what people think about him, even we he's walking around the XWF acting like he don't! Why else you think Dolly Waters did 90% of the talking for the Warmasters!? Because Mastermind knows that everytime he opens his mouth, he risks exposing himself for the true idiot he is! Unfortunately for him, even with staying mum, he came out of Wargames looking pretty damned stupid! How are you going to lead a team as stacked as one with Peter Vaughn, Dolly Waters, and a fucking returning Thaddeus Duke, and then go on to take a pin from Calypso and watch your team get knocked off before you can even make it to the main event?"

"CALYPSO!?!"

"FOR ALL THE SHIT I TAKE FOR SUCKING, I'M FUCKING SURE I COULD HAVE LEAD THAT TEAM TO A MASTERFUL VICTORY!"

"I'M PRETTY SURE A FUCKING ROCK COULD HAVE!

"BUT YOU!?"

"The self proclaimed Mastermind of the XWF? If you can't strategize well enough to win, much less protect yourself from a guy who has 70 losses in a row according to Dolly Waters, and honestly that figure probably isn't far off... HOW THE FUCK DO YOU PLAN ON LEADING ANYONE TO ANYTHING OTHER THAN DEATH AGAINST THE XTREME ALLIANCE!?!"

"MUCH LESS THE FUCKING MISFITS OF ALL LOSER ASS TEAMS!"

As Gravy finishes his rant, he realizes that the "fan" had already hastily left the scene. Gravy decides to continue towards his original destination. Maybe Barney has some answers as to why all this Deja-vu shit is happening!

Along the way, Gravy bumps into another familiar face!

"Excuse me, sir. Would you have a couple of dollars that you could spare?" She pleads as she continues walking past, eyes down, only glancing up momentarily to make eye contact.

Considering all the trouble that came along with this bitch the last time, Gravy decides to try a different approach. "Sure thang, sweetie." Gravy digs in his pockets and finds a not so crisp $20 bill. He passes it to the thankful young woman.

"Oh my God, you're a lifesaver! I haven't ate in days! Thank you sir!" She bows to Graves as she backs away. "Thank you!"

It actually kinda makes Gravy feel sad that he screwed her (heh, he totally SCREWED HER) the last time. Speaking of which, he needs to figure out what is happening still! Gravy continues on his way and passes Earl by the Porta Johns, but it is without incident since Gravy didn't badmouth Biden.

Finally, Graves reaches his destination, a nice little corner shop owned by a pal!

"Barn, quick, what day is it!?"

With a look of annoyance, Barn responds. "Wednesday, and you're late. We were supposed to meet here over an hour ago."

Barney isn't mad, he's just fact dropping on the tardy Gravy!

"I had car troubles, and brain troubles! Serious case of Deja-vu!" Graves looks around. "Where's Darren?"

"I don't know. I guess he's no showing."

"That happen often?"

"I haven't really paid attention."

Graves is stunned that Barney's lack of attention to detail surpasses even his own, but after a moment, Gravy just smiles and fires back with; "Paying attention is for pussies! I've taken too many hits to the head to remember a quarter of the shit that happens in my day to day!"

Barney nods, seemingly approving of Gravy's take before he takes a swig from his flask.

"That shit'll kill ya!"

Barney glares at Graves for a moment, in a way of saying mind your fucking business.

"Tempting death is what we do. My style in the ring will kill me long before the booze has the chance. My body has been breaking down for years, but even still I find the fortitude to step into that ring and deliver immense amounts of punishment to anyone standing across from me, so I might as well enjoy the finer things in life while I still can, especially if they dull the pain."

"Dulling pain is for pussies, Barn! You should learn to love it like I did! I promise, pain is a mistress that will always let you know she's there! The perfect friend for those lonesome nights sitting in your hotel room and wondering where it all went wrong. Always there to remind you that you fucked up, that you need to be better! Pain's been with me my whole life, but I've never felt it worse than these last six months where I was stripped of my career and forced into a desk!"

"I'm not built for a fucking desk! I'm built for the ring, and over the months as my body has healed, the pain continued to taught me, only it was in my heart! What is a man whose manhood has been stripped from him? Because that's where I am, where I was! Because I'm coming to Anarchy with Barney, and it doesn't even matter if Darren shows up, because I'm bringing another partner, PAIN, and we're going to inflict so much of it onto you that I can personally guarantee that none of you will be lonely for a very long time. Which will prove the perfect gift when The Misfits are sitting at home for 6 months digging glass out of their asses and applying baby butt hurt burn cream to their chapped asses! As a bonus to the XWF fans, they won't have to see you're ugly mugs during this time either!"

Graves looks to Barney for insight. "Fire causes chapping, right?"

Barn just shrugs and takes another swig. Good ole Barn! Graves shrugs too, because fuck it, he doesn't care! So long as Mastermind gets the hint that Gravy and the gang are looking to make a scene. An Xtreme explosion.

A GOREGASM!

"Heh, goregasm... Speaking of, I guess we should discuss the fact that it looks like we'll be going a man down since Darren hasn't shown up. It doesn't matter! Barney Green and I are more than capable of dishing out the punishment required to send these losers running home squealing!"

Barney knows that even if Darren doesn't pull his weight, and let's be real, it's a lot of weight; they are the most XTREME men in the XWF today, and it definitely wouldn't take all three of them to beat a goofball team of Jobba Jaun and Jobba Too, wait, wrong team.

Just...

Give me a second to reference my notes.

Ah yes, Scarlett.

And that doofus with a hammer!

THE AVENGERSMISFITS!

And their supreme leader who has undoubtedly mastered the minds of the masses about as well as he mastered war, and will use that masterful ability to lead this promising young team to success tomorrow night, just like he did his all-star team at War Games!

[Image: Graves-and-Barney.jpg]

“The Hooded Man!?!” Graves shouts in disbelief. ”Are you fucking kidding me right now!? I’m set to make my big return to the ring for the first time since fucking Charlie Nickles buried me and my career in the biggest bullshit match ever broadcast on a Saturday, or ANYDAY, and I get fucking Mastermind and the gaggle of clowns introduced by that stupid ass Hooded Man!?! SEROUSLY!!? What is this, 2019? Why are we giving Mastermind air time!? Why was The Hooded Man reintroduced at War Games? AND WHY IN GOD'S NAME "

Gravy scoffs at the notion that these clowns are better than his group of clowns!

"Hey Vinnie, I know Lacklan suggested Gravy V. Double M as my return match, but I seem to recall her idea including the Anarchy Championship being on the line, you know, about the only thing that makes stepping into the ring with Master McFaggy remotely tolerable!”

“It’s not ALL a loss though! There are SOME bright spots to this booking! For ONE, The XTREME Alliance get the opportunity to wipe the mat with The Misfits and their Meager minded Master, and TWO, I’m about to earn that MAIN EVENT payday, which just means I have more money to invest in the hottest thing going today, TELL’EM BARN!”

“Hellow XWF Universe. I am Barney Green. Some of you may remember me as the "Daddy Of Violence" in the XWF, or as the founder of BarnCoin. A simple little cryptocurrency that is only gonna increase in value as paranoia hits the market with the way inflation is going. Join me in this venture. Invest in BarnCoin and change your life for the better. We have reached a new level in finances and our currency is only slated to go UP UP UP and others fall DOWN DOWN DOWN!."

"Damn right we are, and the wonders BarnCoin can do are something-fucking-magical!"

With a slimy grin, Gravy takes a step back so that the camera may take a good loooong look at how well he's doing today.

"Just look at me! No more am I a gender hopping joke that the XWF would rather sweep under the rug on that shit show MADNESS, that nobody watches, and instead I'm back on the main roster AND a member of the hardest core fucking group the XWF has ever seen!"

Graves' smile fades as he steps into the camera with a fierce glare.

"ALL THANKS TO BARNCOIN!"

Graves' shout is sudden and unexpected. Barn calms him with a gentle touch to the shoulder as Barn takes over the pitch!

"That's right Micheal, BarnCoin can change anyone's life for the better! Even a couple of dimwits willing to take orders from Mastermind. Maybe Chris and Scarlett should consider investing in BarnCoin, and in themselves instead of taking orders from others!"

"Damn right, but first they need to learn that just because someone calls themselves Mastermind doesn't make that shit true! Who the fucks mind has that idiot ever mastered!? I've seen the T-shirts, but I don't buy the hype! He ain't mastered shit, just gotten lucky a few times, that's all! If his ass were any sort of real mastermind, he'd be here with us, on the ground floor of BarnCoin!"

Barney reaches into his pocket and takes a swig from a flask before speaking.

“Leopold D. Morgan tried to shut us down. He failed spectacularly. In fact, I own his law firm and fired him. That's the power of BarnCoin. It empowers you to take the world by the balls."

"And make it your bitch!"

Barney nods agreeingly. "Just like The XTREME Alliance are going to make The Misfits our bitches this Anarchy!"

"Because we've invested everything we have into two things, BarnCoin, and being the baddest assed motherfuckers this side of razor wire briefs!"

"Which I'm wearing to our match specifically for the intent of delivering the hardestcore Stink Face the XWF has ever seen to one unfortunate member of our opposition!"

"Give it to Mastermind so we can say that we mastered his stupid face!"

Suddenly we're interrupted by the third member of The XTREME ALLIANCE as Darren Dangerous arrives in his stretch limo with actual girls in it not T girls. His forehead is super bloody because every time he hits a red light he slams his head into the steering wheel and splits himself open.

Yeah Darren drives his own limo, because he isn’t some bitch.

Darren gets out of the car and tosses a handful of used rubbers over his shoulder into the parking lot. He’s obviously been fucking the whole way here.

Darren Dangerous: “Get out of my car, sluts.”

The sluts get out of the car and disperse because Darren has already gotten tired of them and their cunts won’t ever be tight again after his huge dick ruined them forever anyway.

Darren Dangerous: “Are you two still talking about crypto? Crypto is for pussies. I only want cold hard cash. I’ll use it to buy Scarlett Hunters a boob job since she is like something else I think is stupid - NFTs. Which means no fucking tits. Also Kris Hammer doesn’t have a hammer he has a little tiny baby dick. Mine is a hammer. Look at it.”

Darren goes to whip it out but Gravy stops him. He wants the promo to actually hit the air.

Darren Dangerous: “Graves you need to get more hardcore if you really want to roll with the Dangerous Daddies. We bleed every single day. I actually piss blood. My doctor says it’s a real problem but fuck him, he’s a huge pussy too. I’m gonna kick Mastermind in his tiny balls and throw him off the roof when we get to Puerto Rico, which is an awful place because it’s like Mexico but without the donkey shows and the good cocaine. I love cocaine. Fuck you, Mastermind!”

Darren takes a leak on the wall of the BarnCoin, and it’s all red.

"I'm very fucking hardcore! I was once beaten into orgasim by The Kings! I LOVE PAIN!"[dwg] Gravy stomps his foot like a child before addressing Barney! [dwg]Barn, this is stupid! If these morons are too, uh… STOOPID to figure out why BarnCoin is the hottest investment crypto going today, then why should WE waste our time trying to explain it to them? That would be like trying to explain to Mastermind why his group of Misfits, and him by proxy, are such jokes here in the XWF! Have been and always will be, but telling him how to fix it doesn't do anything for ME!"

"Well, repairing Mastermind's reputation would make our victory over him and The Misfits more prestigious, just like him investing in BarnCoin could not only make us richer, but if Mastermind were forward thinking enough to invest now, he and his crew could be living it up at the top of the card without riding our coattails to get there!"

"Well, he was just Anarchy champ!"

"Yeah? So was Elijah Martin and a bunch of bitches!"

"Good point, the Anarchy Championship is exclusively a bitch title! Might as well call it the Bombshell title, but I get why we don't. Having The Misfits on the show is bad enough without inviting Jenny Myst down for a tour!"

Barney takes a swig from a flask hidden in his pocket.

“This is gonna be like shooting fish in a barrel. The Xtreme Alliance is gonna take over along with BarnCoin, and it all starts This Thursday when three most hardcore guys in the XWF make The Misfits SCREAM!”

Gravy chimes in!

"AND BLEED!"

Followed by Darren!

Darren Dangerous: "AND THEN BEFORE THEY'RE ALL BLED OUT, I'LL LET THEM SUCK MY COCK! I'M TYPE O NEGATIVE!"

"I'm going to love every moment of this!"

The scene fades on Gravy addressing Barn.

"For real, I need to tell you about this fucked up day I had!"

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