*From Ruby’s Go-Pro*

As dawn chased away the dark of night, so too did the Super Dear’O chase away the graffiti artists on the rooftop of the local Walmart.

Ruby: “Shoo, shoo! These A/C units do not need a makeover! Certainly not with poorly drawn genitalia! The male reproductive unit doesn’t have eyes! Go back to school and learn basic anatomy! GO biology teachers!”

She angrily shook her fist at the teen delinquents who fled into the woods. Satisfied, Ruby gathered the cans of spray paint that had been left behind, and dumped them into her backpack. But something worried her.

The tiny Canadian looked towards the horizon and bit her lower lip.

Ruby: “A banana-lime sun rises… Soda pop has been spilled this night …”

Without hesitation, she retrieved her Ruby-goggles and scoured the skyline and anything underneath it for any signs of mischief. It didn’t take her long. Ruby snapped her gloved fingers and pointed into the distance.

Ruby: “Well flip-a-doodle-doo, my dudes! What’d I tell you!? I see clear signs of littering and loitering near the nearest Mac D’s! Fast Food Chain, prepare for Swift Justice Delivery!”

And *whoosh*! Ruby leapt off the Walmart, and spread her makeshift wings, that were cleverly constructed using takeaway pizza boxes and heavy duty tape from Bed, Bath and Beyond. Her boyfriend had offered to have military grade ones constructed and paid for, but half of the fun was the challenge, anyway… Expertly gliding along the concrete jungle towards her target, dodging the odd chimney pipe, satellite dish and TV antenna, Ruby eventually dove down towards the parking lot she had in her sights.

Ruby: “Cowabungaaaaa! You will always remember this as the day you finally crossed paths with CAPt-… OOF!”

One of the pizza boxes broke off and Ruby spiralled out of control. The delinquents scattered and the tiny heroine of our tale veered straight into the nearest dumpster. Luckily, a bag of half-eaten Big Macs softened her landing, and a well-placed filet-o-fish proved to be an excellent bumper between the back of her head and the steel wall of the bin.

Ruby: “Flip! Well, that was disappointing. Last time I landed in a dumpster was when I was chasing the Stage Fright Strangler…”

But that’s a story for some other time. Ruby nacho dusted herself off, got up and untied the remaining pizza boxes that had clearly failed as makeshift wings.

Ruby: “Flip, my dudes. Nobody’s going to believe me. Pizza boxes, nacho dust AND McDonald’s all in the same story? This reeks of continuity errors. But hey…”

She tapped the lens of the trusty Go-Pro on her head.

Ruby: “At least I have it all on film. Good thing, too, or they’d think I was making all of this up! Learned my lesson there, I tell you what! See, that’s the thing these days. We need more TRUST! When I tell people my Ruby-Ohs are good for them, they should just believe me, rather than having to read to ingredients and nutritional value on the box. Like, come on, my guy, don’t you think I’d have checked that beforehand? I wouldn’t sign my name to an inferior product!

But I guess that’s how society works. We have to play to the lowest common denominator. And I get that, truly. Leave no person behind. Everybody deserves a chance to succeed in life. I guess what I’m saying is: why can’t we return to a society where we can all leave our front doors unlocked, eh?”

Ruby jumped out of the dumpster and brushed a half-rotten lettuce leaf off her shoulder.

Ruby: “I’ll tell you why, my flippies! It’s ‘cause of peeps like HGH and Unknown Soldier! Nefarious ne’er-do-wells who will seek to spoil your day at every twist and turns! Well, no more… I may not have won my Plump Pigeon block, losing out to my gal Veevs by half a win, but I still did a great job, darn it! And just as I know the Veetest of Valenteens is going to win this entire PP tourney, so do I know I am going to put the ‘inate’ in dominate, as I will be innate domination! Yes, Grammar Nazi’s will come at me for that one, but I thought it sounded pretty cool, my dudes! GO phonetic puns!”

As the Banana-Lime Blur looked around the empty lot, she decided that that was enough for this patrol round. It was a decent haul, all in all, although she had ended up with not as much arrests as she’d hoped for. She had at least half a dozen ziplocks left in the bottom pocket of her Superskirt. She pressed a button on her Rubywristwatch, and waited for the RuMoByle to round the corner.

Ruby: “Dawn is here, my lovely flipso calypsos, which means it’s almost time for me to go. But I implore you to support ya girl on the upcoming Anarchy. Because this isn’t just a battle of the best of the rest. This is a battle of the saviors of Anarchy. Now, I believe in my gal Veevs. She’s gonna be the plumpest pigeon this federation has ever seen, and Lackersnackers will be as proud as proud can be! But I’m aiming for something even higher. Something this brand has lacked for a long time. Stability, my dudes. Order. Order on Anarchy. We haven’t had it since ya gal held the belt. So HGH, and Unknown Soldier, best wet your appetites and oil them joints, ‘cause you’re gonna go toe to toe with the Super Dear’O! No more hot potato! This Anarchy title needs to return to momma, and I should qualify, having held it for weeeellllll over nine months! So let’s settle it, my Ruby-duby-dub-dubs! Who’s strong and brave and smart enough to battle it out with Mastermind for the gold? Well, ya girl is. Plump Pigeon be darned. I am going to restore order once more, or die trying. Bet. And believe.”

*end broadcast*