We open with a close-up shot at the entrance of the Disney company’s newest money printing machine. Cars full of geeky families and sexless cosplayers pull up to the curb and hand their keys off to the valets as they let the bellboys take their bags. Parents usher their children into the Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser Adventure hotel alongside nerdy incels and social media influencers. Then, the bastard’s red hummer limo hits the curb. Charlie opens his door and throws his black backpack and his daughter’s pink duffle bag onto the ground.

Bellhop! Come do your job and get my shit!

Charlie hops out of the limo and his daughter is close behind him. While Charlie’s dressed in his usual goodwill fit, his daughter is decked out in a Rey Skywalker costume complete with the yellow lightsaber, albeit with matching blonde hair falling down her shoulders instead of brown. Charlie grabs his daughter’s hand and guides her towards the entrance as a bellboy comes to collect the family’s bags.

Charlie looks down at his daughter’s costume in perplexion as the two walk through a pair of automatic doors that slide open upon their approach.

So, who are you supposed to be?

I’m Rey!

Like…Mysterio?

Emily cocks her head to the side as she instinctively raises an eyebrow.

Uh…no. Rey Skywalker! Who even is Myst-ear-oh?

The father-daughter dyad walks in the midst of the crowd as they enter into a narrow hallway with concrete walls on either side. The whole sea of people is slowly moving forward towards the end of the hall, but it’s packed ass-to-ass all the way there.

Oh, she’s just a broad who stole my ear off a homeless democrat. But, who the hell is Rey Skywalker? Are you like a gender-flipped Luke?

Luke? Like….the old mean guy from the second movie?

What? No! That was Yoda, Ems’. Luke’s the young rough and tumble kid who’s in all three of the movies. He even tries to pork his sister in one of them!

Uh…okay. What’s pork mean?

You’ll understand when you’re older.

As Charlie and Emily continue to move at a snail’s pace through the packed hall, it soon becomes clear that the child’s attention span is waning. She slowly gets more and more antsy and bouncy as she grows bored between the two blank concrete walls of the hall. Noticing this, Daddy Nickles decides to stimulate his young daughter’s mind by reminding her of what is to come.

So, Ems’, what are you most looking forward to on this trip to space?

I can’t wait to meet Kylo Ren! He’s so cute!

Charlie squints down at his daughter before sighing and shaking his head. He lifts his gaze up towards the ceiling as he quietly asks himself a simple question.

Who the fuck is Kylo Ren?

Blissfully unaware of the newest trilogy, Charlie is not quite able to empathize with his daughter’s hopeful expectations. Still, Charlie wants Emily to have such a great time on this vacation that she never stops telling her mom about it. He looks down at her with a big smile as he affirms her dreams.

Oh yeah, that will definitely be super fun. And what planets do you think we are going to go see?

I want to go see the death star!

Oh yeah! The death star is AWESOME! It’s like, the coolest ship in space! It’s like a flying genocide maker!

Huh? What are you talking about, dad? The death star is on the same planet as Finn’s new girlfriend!

Charlie just shakes his head and swallows his tongue, still unaware of any developments brought to the Star Wars canon by the Disney conglomerate. By now the two have finally walked through most of the hallway, and are awaiting entrance into the next room. A thin white woman with short blue hair is holding an ipad near another set of sliding doors, checking people in before allowing them to enter the next stage of the experience. She finishes helping the people in front of Charlie before allowing them to move through the doors. Then, she turns her focus onto The Nickleman and his spawn.

And what might you space travelers be called?

Our reservation is under ‘Nickles’.

Gotcha’, let me see right here...

The small woman starts furiously typing information into her ipad before she waits for the software to load. When it finally does, an excited look flashes across her face.

Oh! With the XWF!

The one and only.

Well then you’re going to need these!

The woman reaches into her back pocket and pulls out two sleek looking metallic wrist circlets, one much larger than the other. She hands Charlie the wrist circlet with a red gem encrusted into it, while Emily receives the smaller circlet with the blue gem.

Woah, what are these?!

I didn’t see you give these to anybody else in line. You’re not trying to charge me extra just because you know I’m a big star, are you?!

The woman laughs off the legitimately aggressive comment as she clicks through some buttons brought up by the ipad’s software.

Oh, they told me you were a funny family! You’re going to need these bracelets to access all the exclusive content you get here as an official spokesman for the Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser Adventure! I suppose my boss signed a multi-million dollar deal with your boss, and now you get these really cool wristbands!

Sweet!

The Nickles brood go about placing the sci-fi looking circlets around their wrists while the woman with the ipad explains their next steps.

So in just a couple seconds these doors behind me are going to open and you will be able to enter into your travel pod. Be sure to be safe and buckle up, because you’re going to be launched into outer space!

Yeah, and I went to the Moon last Leap of Faith…

This is so COOL!

The child begins clapping her hands and jumping up and down excitedly.

Thank you so much, dad!

Charlie turns to his daughter and he can’t help but smile. His daughter, however, is now entirely fixated on the instructions being given by the blue-haired woman with the ipad.

So after you launch into space you will be transported to a special location reserved for our most prestigious travelers. It’s a luscious green planet called Endor. We’ve built an amazing operation there called the Vatica Impar Palace, or VIP for short! There, you will meet our Immersive Experience Director and she will work with you to create your unique Star Wars storyline. Are you ready?

YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

Emily can’t contain her excitement, but her father is looking at the hotel worker with immense skepticism.

What about our bags and our room? My Goldi is in there, you better be taking good care of her! She likes foot baths, so if I can’t go up there and give her one, you better make sure one of your droids or slaves or whatever does it!

Heh heh…uh….heh…right. So…yeah, that will all be taken care of Mr. Nickles. Now….your journey begins. But before you go, I need to know: what level of intensity do you want on the pod ride?

Hmm…what do you think Emily?

Charlie turns to his daughter to let her decide.

What’s the question?

How cool should the space ride be?

I want it to be really cool!

Charlie smirks as he turns back to the woman with the blue hair.

Full throttle baby.

Are you sure?

You heard the girl, of course we’re sure!

The woman just shrugs before typing some final information into her ipad. After she inputs the information she steps to the side and the metal doors behind her slide open to reveal the interior of a Star Wars escape pod.

Make sure you fasten your seatbelts in there, space can get pretty crazy.




I’m driving!

She said it was automated…

Emily doesn’t hear her father because she’s too busy jumping into the big chair in front of the control panel. Charlie follows his daughter into the pod as the doors behind them seal shut. The Nickleman takes a seat in one of the chairs behind his daughter.

Make sure you buckle up, Ems’!

Ok, dad!

Emily secures her seatbelt, but Charlie freestyles it. He yawns and leans back in the chair as he waits for a mundane slideshow of sorts to play on the screen in front of Emily projecting the image of a distant galaxy.


VOOOOOOOOOOSH


The pod violently shakes back and forth as it seems to ‘shoot out’ into ‘space’. The stars and planets on the screen in front of Emily turn to long white specks as the ship speeds past them. Emily is hanging onto the control console for dear life while Charlie is completely thrown out of his seat and sliding around the floor.

WOOOOOOOO!

GOD DAMN IT, STOP THE FUCKING RIDE! STOP THE RIDE!

The pod shakes even more violently from side-to-side as the screen in front of Emily displays an approaching asteroid field.

Oh no….big rocks!

Emily’s eyes go wide as she starts pressing random buttons and flipping random levers on the control console. The ship appears to narrowly pass through the field of asteroids as it quickly veers left. The Nickleman is thrown against the baseboards after the sudden shifts.

I just saved our lives! I bet I can get us back on course, dad!

Emily continues to play with random levers and switches as the screen shows the pod closing in on a planet in the distance.

Oh hey, that planet is getting really big! We might be getting close!

Someone turn the damn ride off!

Charlie tries to push himself up but the pod shakes forward causing him to slip and fall on his face. Emily is enamored with the screen, which shows a high-resolution image of the pod’s surroundings as it enters into the planet’s atmosphere. The pod tilts forward as the screen shows a planetary space station opening its doors, causing The Nickleman to be flung against the wall nearest his daughter.

This is so cool!

Emily watches the screen without so much as blinking while the pod appears to dock in a hangar full of fighter ships. The pod stops moving entirely and Emily decides to throw her seat belt off. She looks down at her dad, who is laying on his back against the side of the pod.

I bet I can pin you, dad!

Emily stands tall on the chair before jumping off of it and landing roughly on her father. She stays on top of his chest and begins counting out loud while she ‘pins’ him.

1!
2!!

NO ONE PINS THE NICKLEMAN!

Charlie kicks out by tossing his child off of him and into the air as roughly as he can. This is the exact moment that the doors of the pod open to the outside world. The welcoming crew stands in the entrance with polite smiles on their faces, until they see the child about to slam into the ceiling. They rush into the pod and try to catch the kid on her descent, but it’s too late. The child falls straight down onto the ground and immediately bursts into tears. Charlie scrambles to his feet and immediately points the blame at the hotel.

Look what your ride did to my little girl! You better make this right!

The crew members immediately surround Emily and begin checking on her as her sobs grow increasingly volatile. One of the crewmembers turns towards Charlie as he continues to point an accusatory finger at the Disney company.

What happened here?!

Her seat belt came undone and she was thrown from her seat! Your ride is crazy, this isn’t safe for anyone at all!

The crewmember who seems to be in charge barks out orders at the rest of the workers.

Get her to the nurse, now!

Emily is picked up gingerly by a trio of concerned concierges and carried away as she continues to cry over her injuries. Charlie calls out for her while still standing in the pod with the leading crewmember.

Be strong, baby! We’ll sue the shit out of these bitches if this ride hurt you bad!

Oh no no no no Mr. Nickles! No one needs to do anything drastic!

The last crew member puts his hands up pleadingly with Charlie as he tries to avert a Disney disaster.

This hotel just opened, we’re still working out the bugs! We’d hate for you to have a bad experience here. I know we can do right by you! Your daughter is going to be taken care of by the best medical staff in the galaxy, free of charge!

But what am I getting out of this?! I could get money if I sued you!

I know we can make it up to you! Just, just come meet my boss! She’s the Immersive Experience Director. I know she wanted to meet you right away, and uh, I’m sure she’ll know what to do in this situation!

Charlie looks at the crew member while grunting. Then he nods.

Fine. Let’s go.

Ok, ok! Great!

The crew member exits the pod and motions for Charlie to follow behind him. The Nickleman begrudgingly obliges. When Charlie finally leaves the troublesome pod the pair of men walk past a few space fighters before they come to a big metal door at the end of the hangar. The crewmember swipes his wristlet against a scanner on the wall and the door slides up and open. When the pair walk out of the hangar Charlie is met with a sight that would leave any real Star Wars fan in awe. Unfortunately, Charlie isn’t much of a ‘trekkie or whatever’ so he truly couldn’t care less.





The crewmember turns back to talk to Charlie as he guides him past even larger spaceships placed outside the hangar.

Our Endor looks pretty dope, huh?

I’m still thinking about suing you.

The crewmember gulps and turns back around as Charlie quickly shuts him down. Charlie looks past the space junk and into the jungle surrounding the base. The trees and bushes seem to rustle as Charlie stares at them, as if something were watching him and trying not to be seen. Nickles raises a curious eyebrow but says nothing as he continues to follow the concierge towards a smaller bunker placed outside the hangar. As the two approach the bunker the concierge turns back around and gestures for Charlie to stay put.

I’ll let her know the situation. I’ll be right back with her, okay?

Charlie shrugs and waits outside as the concierge scans his wristlet against the wall and walks in through the open door. Charlie waits for the door to slide shut before he turns back around to get a fuller sense of his surroundings. Now that he is further away from the hangar he can see that it is a massive structure that seems to reach up towards the heavens. Charlie then glances back towards the trees and squints at them until they seem real enough. Charlie is a bit curious how exactly the pod got them to this location, but he shrugs it off. He’s got bigger fish to fry.

While Charlie waits patiently outside the bunker he overhears the frantic screeching of a furious woman. He chuckles to himself, knowing full well he caused all this drama in the first place. A few seconds later the door to the bunker opens once again the crew member walks out without saying a word: his face says it all. The dejected man silently slouches past Charlie Nickles before his commanding officer steps up to the doorway.

I am so sorry about this, Mr. Nickles. I know this is a terrible way to start off our Disney-XWF partnership, but I think we can still make this work. My name is Star Captain Celine Salazar, and I’m the Immersive Experience Director here at Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser Adventure.

Charlie looks up at the woman and can’t help but grin. She’s a real sight for his sore eyes. Her curvy figure fills out her blue uniform quite well, and her ebony skin shines in the light. Her golden afro is almost comically large, but not nearly as large as the warm smile between her dimples.

I swear I’ve seen you before.

I used to play Princess Tiana at DisneyLand before we opened this up, maybe you saw me there! But I’ve gone a long way up the ladder since then, mostly because I’m a great problem solver. Now I hear you and your daughter had quite the problem in our travel pod attraction, and I am truly apologetic for that. She is being treated by the best doctors in the galaxy, and we will make sure t-

Charlie raises his hand and waves away the apology.

Oh there’s no need, there’s no problems here. Say, why don’t you let me get you a drink?

Charlie walks up to the open door before placing his forearm against the frame and leaning forward on it. The woman smiles, but leans back a little bit.

Oh, well that’s great to hear! I can’t drink on the job, but do you want to come in and look over the sponsorship package we have planned for you?

I can look over anything you want me to.

Charlie points a playful finger at the woman and wags it around for a bit. She doesn’t look pleased, but she doesn’t say anything. She just nods and beckons for Charlie to follow her into the bunker, which he eagerly obliges.

Nice place ya’ got here.

Thanks, it’s based off of th-

Ehhh I don’t really care about all that nerd shit.

Right.

The woman rolls her eyes as she guides Charlie past various Star Wars themed furnishings and decorations. Eventually the two come to a table in the middle of the room where the woman pulls out a chair and takes a seat. She beckons for Charlie to do the same and he quickly obeys. The woman scans her own wrist circlet against the table and suddenly two screens flash to life, one right in front of both chairs. The surface of the table shows a statistical report featuring a whole lot of data and graphs that Charlie can’t decipher and doesn’t care about.

As I’m sure you are already well aware, Vinne Lane recently signed a deal to legally license the Star Wars franchise to promote his wrestling promotion.

Oh, he actually got permission? I thought we were just ripping you guys off!

Oh, Disney would never allow that! Especially not with all the money Vinnie Lane is set to make off this special edition of Star Warfare! And as part of that licensing agreement, we get the right to use XWF characters and trademarks in the StarWars universe! While we would of course never tarnish our movies with such violent and inappropriate cross-promotion, we do see a market opportunity in adult-oriented comic books and we are ready to capitalize on it! As you can see from the data contained in this report, there is a huge audience of white men interested in StarWars, professional wrestling, and comicbooks!

StarWars comics…Jesus Christ.

Charlie sighs softly while cradling his head in his hands. The woman across the table pretends not to notice his displeasure. Instead, she just clicks onto the next slide, which contains even more graphs and data. This causes Charlie to groan out loud.

As you can see, the StarWars franchise is currently bleeding support from young white men who are also interested in comic books and professional wrestling. While there are many possible explanations for this-

It’s because the new shit is just social justice with lightsabers! Get woke go broke!

-our current theory is that this audience wants a darker, grittier product that caters to their more PG-13 tendencies. This audience in particular has stopped buying all of our StarWars merchandise like they used to, and we need to turn that ship back around. That’s where YOU come in, Charlie.

The woman flips to another slide and Charlie is immediately captivated.





That’s my face!

It sure is, Charlie. So as you can see here, when the XWF presented us with the Charlie Nickles formula we were blown away. It all seemed so simple, too good to be true, but your numbers have been incredible and we can’t argue with success.

Well of course my numbers are great! I have the best numbers! But what are my numbers again, and what are they for?

Your sales numbers, Charlie. And your TV numbers! Ever since you became the TV champion again you have been making bookoo bucks for the XWF! Every Savage since November has pulled a higher Nielsen rating than the last, and the segments you’re in are the most shared on social media! Your merchandise is flying off the shelves!

Of course it is! The people love me! They’re finally recognizing he greatness they’ve been seeing!

Um…no. It's literally the opposite of that. More people are tuning in every week to watch you lose! People buy your t-shirts just to burn them when they get mad. People buy your action figures so their dogs can use them as chewtoys! Vinnie even said the XWF is launching a new line of Charlie Nickles punching bags, they say the demand for the pre-orders is already through the roof!

Nickles scoffs at the disrespect.

Whatever, I don’t even make any of the fucking money off that shit, I don’t care what people do with it. But what the hell does any of this have to do with StarWars?

Well Charlie you’ve become a bit of a TV sensation since last November. And the best way to launch a new line of comic books is with a strong tie to a current TV personality, but unfortunately all the major characters from our current line of StarWars media have what is referred to as ‘go-home’ heat with our targeted demographic. That’s why we’re thinking of launching our new line of comics with YOU at the center of the story!

The woman swipes through to the next slide and Charlie is enamored once again. He looks down at the table as the screen displays an artistic illustration of Charlie Nickles wearing a Sith robe and commanding lightning with one hand while wielding a red lightsaber with the other.

If we put YOU on the cover, we know our target audience will buy it! They buy anything with your face on it, especially after you do something they hate! We hope that they’ll start reading the comics and get hooked to the story, maybe even start rooting for the heroes working against you! This could be our saving grace with the angsty white male market!

I’m sold, let’s get these suckers to print IMMEDIATELY.

Nickles smiles and crosses his arms as he leans back in his chair, thinking to himself that he just signed a major sponsorship agreement with no help from anyone at all.

Well, it’s not quite that simple.

Nickles sighs before he leans forward onto the table.

Nothing comes easy anymore.

We need to test the character through a focus group and see how it goes. We only get one chance to launch a new line of grittier comics before we get laughed out of the market, we can’t afford to get this wrong. We’re doing all of our due diligence, and that starts tonight.

Charlie raises an eyebrow at the woman.

What are you talking about?

The woman can barely stop herself from rolling her eyes or sighing in exasperation.

Did no one tell you what you were coming here to do?

No one at the XWF tells me anything, they just tell me where to go and I usually show up about fifteen minutes late. I don’t even know who I’m fighting on the next Savage.

Isn’t that show already lined up?

Charlie shrugs. He doesn’t know. The woman’s forced politeness finally shows a small crack as she sighs deeply: but once the moment passes she is right back to business.

You are here to help create and test a new XWF-StarWars crossover character for an upcoming line of comics. We are going to test our audience’s reception to the character and his possible storylines by embedding you within a deeply immersive environment alongside a hand-picked lineup that represents our target market perfectly.

Sure, I’m with it. I can tolerate hanging out with super-nerds if it means I get some of that sweet, sweet Disney money. Just make me a Darth Vader knock-off and let’s get this baby rolling!

No no no, if we launch a line of comics as unoriginal as that we will be ridiculed! They’ll call it a ‘Disney FanFic’ and dismiss it out-of-hand. This needs to be something genuine.

Charlie sighs as he leans back in his chair, clearly tired of all this nerd shit already.

So what the fuck do I need to do?

First things first, we need to develop your character. His storylines, his universe, his connections, h-

Figure that shit out for me and just give me a lightsaber! I’ve been doing improv my whole career, I’ll make it work.

Sure, we can do that. Vinnie told us you might have that preference. To help us create a character that is genuine and immersive to you, we created a small questionnaire to help compare your personality to different StarWars archetypes. It won’t take long for you to fill it out, I promise. And after that you can check up on your daughter, and maybe take her around Endor if she’s feeling better!

Charlie leans forward and looks down at the screen on the table expectantly. An almost uncomfortable amount of time passes before the woman gets the gist and changes the screen to the questionnaire. Charlie stares at some of the questions before looking back up and harassing the Star Captain about them.

This test is assuming the worst about me! It’s saying that I “mislead people so as to keep them in the dark about my true motives”! While that is true, it’s fucked up for you to say it like this! If you have a problem with me then you should just tell me!

The questionnaire is asking you questions on a sliding scale of strongly agree to strongly disagree. It’s not saying you have these traits, it’s asking whether you identify with them. But do please answer truthfully, it will help us create a more immersive and compelling character for this experience.

Charlie stares at the woman with skepticism before finally giving in and turning back to fill out the survey. He starts working through it, answering the various questions to the best of his ability. The woman across the table looks a bit annoyed by Charlie’s insistence on verbalizing all his answers as he scores them on the screen.

I will always try to help my friends, no matter what? But what if it’s not convenient?! Strongly disagree!

I am intent on kindness and cooperation, showing respect for other people's feelings and views? No way, I’m not a pussy!

I pursue goals with a tunnel-vision drive that may come across as neglectful of other people's feelings and views? Well at least that one’s definitely true.

The woman closes her eyes and breathes deeply as Charlie continues taking his test outloud. She begins rubbing the temple of her forehead with her fingers as Charlie carries on.

When I think of the future, I know in my heart that good will prevail over evil? Pfft not as long as pussies like Raion Kido try to fight back the evil! I strongly disagree!

I want those who have challenged me to fail? Well, duh! They challenged me!

I am not as upset as others when someone dies? Well I guess that depends…did I kill them?!

This goes on for a few minutes as Charlie verbalizes each and every one of his survey questions. Right when it looks like the Star Captain may be getting to the point of contemplating self-harm, Charlie finally finishes. He looks incredibly disappointed with his results.

The old man with a droopy face archetype? This dude was just Darth Vader’s bitch in the movies!

The Palpatine archetype! That’s a great one! You scored as manipulative, callous, and lacking in remorse. Palpatine’s arrogance was so intense that he believed his plans were immune to failure and that normal morality did not apply to him. The Palpatine archetype is a deviant who refuses to be bound by societal norms. The test measured you as somebody who views most people as expendable, and most situations as yours for the making.

Palpatine’s vast intelligence means that almost no one can fully comprehend the scope of his plans.

Charlie’s ears perk up as the description begins to hit home with him.

Huh, I guess that does sound like me! No one ever has any idea what I’m doing, sometimes I even out scheme myself!

Right…

Just then the doors to the outside open one more time and we see a little blonde Rey Skywalker running into the bunker. She has a few bandaids randomly strewn across her body, but her smile is as big as ever. Following close behind her is one of the crew members who initially witnessed her accident on the pod.

Daddy!

Ems’!

The crewmember walks behind Emily with a bunch of paperwork in his hands. While Emily runs up and gives her dad a big hug, the crew member waits patiently before trying to hand all the papers over to Charlie. Nickles politely refuses.

She is okay, just a few scrapes and bruises that might need to be iced tonight. Here is the full, holistic report our medical team did on her, free of charge.

Nah, I’m good on all that. But say, where’s my Goldi at? I don’t like to leave her alone for too long or she might start getting wicked thoughts like Connie used to!

The crewmember stands there dumbfounded with the entire stack of papers detailing the ins and outs of Emily’s health. Charlie stops hugging Emily before turning back and facing the Star Captain expectantly.

Well your room is all ready for you, with the exact specifications you requested!

Perfect! Come on Ems’, let’s go check it out.

Charlie grabs his daughter’s hand and begins to lead her back towards the open door. This forces the Star Captain to clear her throat before speaking up one final time.

But before you go….we do have just one more request to ask of you.

Charlie groans loudly before releasing his daughter’s hand, turning back to look at the Star Captain.

You said after I did that stupid survey I was free to party!

Well..almost! Vinnie Lane, however, did put 1 specific condition on this project…he requested that we make you shoot a promotional video for the special edition Warfare as soon as you arrived!

Fucking aye…

And he wanted us to supply you with a couple of special props for the video...

Charlie says nothing further, but he rubs his eyes with his thumb and index finger until they go raw. The Nickleman just wants to get all this work shit over with.












Bobby Bourbon on Saturday Night Savage.

Jim Caedus at War Games.

My ex-wife behind closed doors.

We fade in from a black screen to see Charlie Nickles standing in the middle of what appears to the bridge of a StarCruiser. He stands in front of a series of glass windows that show the expansive galaxy stretching to the horizon behind him. The Nickleman is dressed in all dark robes with the hood pulled over his head as he gazes downwards.

There you go, Raion. I’ve answered your most pressing question. These are just some of the names I’ve beaten that you will never touch. I don’t even need to mention pinning Alias for a championship belt because if I list out everything I’ve done that Raion hasn’t then we will really be here all day.

So now it’s my turn to ask Raion a pressing question:

Charlie slowly lifts his face until he is staring directly into the camera. Only then does he remove his hood.

Why do you waste the breath?

You won’t have it forever, Raion. You ought to cherish it more, you ought to use it more wisely. You should have more brevity with your words, you should put more thoughtfulness into them. As it stands now, you’ve wasted your fifteen minutes of fame bitching and whining about The Nickleman in the exact same way everyone else does. We all know I’m a mean guy, we all know I hurt your feelings, we all know you want to end me ‘once and for all’. I’ve had about a dozen ‘once and for alls’ ever since I picked my Goldi back up, that well ran dry a long time ago.

Raion, just like everyone else, has deluded himself into thinking my resume doesn’t exist. Perhaps I made a mistake when I wrote my resume in invisible ink, but it’s hard to lose my old heavymetalweight habits! People like to say I haven’t beaten anyone, even after I beat them, because it gives them a false hope about how the match might go. But false hope doesn’t pay off, false hope doesn’t get ya’ very far in this business. False hope just turns into broken bones.

Charlie scoffed at the foolishness of false hope before sneering at the camera.

But shit, even if I had beaten nobody, the fuck would it matter for? I don’t have to dredge up the name of every giant I’ve slain, I put those bitches to rest and I plan to let them sleep. I don’t have to beat Doc D’Ville in order to beat Raion Kido: I think we’ve proven that already. The only three wrestlers that matter in this match are Charlie Nickles, Michael McBride, and Raion Kido- in that exact order of importance. I don’t need a rolodex of names to win this match, all I need is my own two fists. The rolodex of names that I bring to the fight is just there to make Raion look stupid for all the bullshit he’s said.

Charlie chuckles to himself before rubbing some excess saliva off of his lips.

Does Raion think he’s special because he’s dedicated his entire career to defeating me? Ring Master walked the exact same path. Betsy Granger, too. What good did it do for them? What good did this approach do for our little lion the last time he worked up the courage to see me in person? I’m the man they love to hate, I’m the muhfukkin’ Nickleman. Everyone on Savage has a bone to pick with me. If I piss you off so much that you spend all day thinking about me, then pal, you might just be signed to an XWF contract!


I’m the TV God, I’m the last thing keeping these cable companies afloat! It feels like I’m everywhere these days: I’m on damn near every show, it feels like I’m in every segment, I’m fighting for belts in every division, so shit, it’s no wonder I’m all up in Raion’s mind! That boy needs to turn his TV off and go outside. He needs to learn there are things in this world more important than comic books and StarWars fanfiction, he needs to learn there is more to this life before The Nickleman takes it all away from him!

Charlie walks around the bridge of the ship, rubbing the palm of his hand alongside various computer monitors and beeping machines as he continues to trash his newfound rival.

Still, I can’t blame Raion Kido for attaching himself to my nuts. There are a lot of places in this world, but there are few places cozier than my nutsack. Raion Kido knows a golden goose when he sees one, and baby, I’m the goose that just keeps on giving. Hating Charlie Nickles is the fashionable thing to do these days, everyone from Alias to Ring Master has bought-in to the hype. Raion’s trying to put himself in the driver seat of that train, and I gotta be honest, so far it looks like it’s working for him!

This new gimmick is not going to help him win any matches, obviously, but at least it’s helping to keep him booked! Even Raion admits that his whole anti-Charlie shtick is the only reason he made the card for this special edition of Warfare. After Kido got Bastardized his stock plummeted, and now he’s nothing but an afterthought. He couldn’t make the cut for the Supercon semis, so Raion gets a late-add to the opening squash match based on my name alone. I better get half of this kid’s next paycheck, because I’m practically his booking agent now!

Raion Kido can talk his shit til’ the cows come home, but at the end of the day we’ve already established who’s the tougher son of a bitch. If Raion Kido hasn’t learned a single lesson since our last match, then he’s doomed to repeat the same mistakes. He says honor isn’t his thing, but it appears humility ain’t his thing either. I put that boy down halfway into the fifteen minute time limit, but he’s out here yapping like our match went down to the wire. That motherfucker could barely get my shoulders down for a 2 count, I literally wiped the floor with his blood! Raion needs to go rewatch our match, because I think my Devil Hook Drop might have scrambled his brain and fucked his memory all the way up! If he takes another one of my big ol’ DDTs I’m not sure he’s ever getting back up!

Charlie stops playing around with the bridge equipment as he finally approaches the double-set of metal sliding doors at the end of the room.

Raion better hope that Lumberjack McBride eats this pin for him, otherwise things could start to get really ugly. If Raion has to suffer through another Nickles signature, he might start forgetting the places he’s been and the things he’s seen! Although truthfully, would anyone even notice if Raion developed early on-set dementia? I mean, does Raion even remember the time he ducked my open challenge on Savage?

Raion says he has wanted to kill me for months now. Raion says that for literal months he’s held this grudge in his heart: but never once has he acted on it. How strange, but stranger still is Raion’s explanation. Raion says he isn’t scared of me, he says he isn’t hiding from me…but on April 16th I came out to the ring to open up the first Savage of the month. I hopped on the microphone and I called out the entire locker room, I said that anyone who had a problem with me should come out and we could settle it right then and there! Raion was in the arena I know he was: he was booked for a match, and perfect little Raion always shows up to work early.

So did Raion Kido have the courage to come out to the ring and confront Charlie Nickles, man-to-Nickleman?


FUCK NO!

Raion Kido didn’t come out to the ring to say his piece, he hid in the back like a bitch and prayed for peace! The Ring Master that Raion is so quick to tarnish was the only one man enough to walk down that ramp and tempt the reaper. Kido is begging and pleading to be a main event star, but when he had his chance during my open challenge he stayed mute. It was a smart move, admittedly, because I had just pinned Raion on the very last Savage. But still, if Raion wanted to kill two birds with one stone he could have grown two stones and demanded a rematch with the one and only Charlie Nickles: but he didn’t. The pussy let the bookers do it for him a month later. No wonder he’s in the opening squash match and not the main event.

I heard Raion Kido is telling everyone he really is a better wrestler than Charlie Nickles, despite the obvious proof to the contrary. That’s funny to me, because if Raion truly was my better he wouldn’t have to pay Micheal Graves to play me in his vignette, he could just beat me up in real life! I guess Micheal Graves is taking any booking to stay relevant these days, but Raion really did him dirty with that role in his self-insert fanfic! It was truly a pathetic display of cathartic impotence, but again, I can’t fault Raion Kido for resorting to such tactics. I am the biggest man on TV since Rosie O’Donnell! Of course Raion wants to include a knock-off Charlie Nickles in his vignettes, he’s chasing after those clicks and those views! How much do you want to bet the thumbnail for the video on youtube is a shot of the Nicklemonster?

Truth be told, The Nickleman is nothing less than prime rib around these parts. Everyone’s begging for a bite of me, everyone is salivating over what I bring to their plate. I’m the TV champion, but nowadays I’ve even become a fixture around the X-treme championship! The lowly and unimportant Ring Master was literally able to sell out THE BIG HOUSE for an event based on watching my clips and hating them together communally! Everytime Jenny Myst is in front of a camera on Savage she’s showing off MY EAR, because I’m THAT damn important that my ear alone can carry an entirely different person into the title scene! Raion Kido beat Jenny Myst, but Jenny Myst has my ear, and I betchu’ Jenny Myst gets a title shot before Kido does! Hot damn, Jenny Myst already gets more airtime than Raion does based on my ear alone. Imagine how much further she could go in this company if she’d just suck my dick!

Charlie smirks at the door as he finishes telling it all the juicy drama and gossip. He goes to swipe the circlet on his wrist against a scanner on the wall…but nothing happens. He tries again and the result is the same. The Nickleman appears to be growing frustrated as he kicks the metal doors out of anger- but they still don’t budge.

Alright, fuck this- time to bring the big guns out!

The Nickleman reaches into his robes and pulls the handle of a lightsaber out of his waistband. Charlie presses a button and a red beam comes flying up out of the handle of the saber. Charlie grips the handle with both hands before lunging back and stabbing the red lightsaber through the metal doors of the bridge a la Qui-Gon in The Phantom Menace.

Nothing works right in this cheap fucking hotel!

Nickles continues to funnel his rage and anger through the blade as it cuts into the steel doors. After a few seconds Charlie steps back and blows a puff of air onto the door, causing the entire metal circle he cut to fall out of place. He clicks the button on his lightsaber again and his red blade retracts into the handle. The Nickleman turns his gaze to the side camera and says one last line before winking playfully and walking out of sight through the hole in the door.

I’m the biggest Star in this lumberjack deathmatch, baby, and you know I’m always ready for WAR.