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---Playboy Mansion---
The Library (the only empty room)



Daren Metropoulos, entitled douchebag son of billionaire Dean Metropoulos, had done fine work in restoring- well, he'd done one helluva job paying for the restoring of -Hef's historical So-Cal cunny castle to original pre-looting splendor. Jim admires the decor then moves on to the books themselves, randomly reaching for one only to discover the entire row of books to be one solid, hollow, facade...as are the rest on the shelves. Facepalm.



Atty, I know you likely ain't gonna do anything but slam what I'm about to say in some way and use it to your advantage- and as well you should, a competitor facin' ME, if you know what's good for you -but I'ma say it anyway: it's an honor. The pin series you ran with me in the 24/7 Halls, amazing. Atty 3 Belts, legendary. You're legit one 'a my favorite among the talent on the roster, it's a shame I had to fuck up and go apeshit on APEX in 2019; I woulda been able to catch your debut.


Fuck it tho... You know as well as anyone we can't take back the shit we've done to embarrass ourselves. Can't change the past.


More on that later. For now-


Let's just get this part outta the way; yeah Atts, you're both stunningly attractive and a sexual dynamo. I know it, the roster knows it, John Black and Tommy Wish knows it and I for damn sure know YOU knows it. Yeah, ain't no question your antics call an army 'a helmeted hogs to attention and you definitely enjoy the power inherent- that bein' as Goddess of Boners. I'm sure your father's proud... Fuck am I talkin' about, Zeus was a lech' an' a half, like all you Greeks seem to be with your kickass orgies, ahead of it's time historic wokeness and contributions to the kink community. Must be why you throw it (pussy, sex and all that) around like the weapon you see it to be- and is -and you do so to the extent that it stinks 'a DFV, "desperation for validation". Y'know, the kinda thing where a chick needs to get nailed to feel valued and/or important, special, whateverthefuck ya wanna call it but it all amounts to failure in recognizing one's own value outside the approval of others and it's weak. That's gender specific specifically bc you're a woman btw- yeah I know, "no shit" -I ain't sayin' both genders (and alternatively whatever anyone else identifies as) don't have representatives among them that do the same shit, I'm just sayin' it applies to you, my opponent, directly. And I mean, there's evidence that can be used to support Validation Atty in nearly every promo...but you're clever af too so it could simply be the whole weaponized wet trap Twerkin' Atty.


I'm hopin' that ain't really the case- in EITHER case -with you and that you're better than that, 'cause THIS shit here--







--I love.


Provocative, risque obviously and rather than in your face gyrations and sex-sledgehammering it's a funny-sexy. It's probably one 'a the sexiest things female I've ever seen- without it bein' a fully nude woman or a sexual act bein' performed, as misogynistic and/or "patriarchal" as that may sound (yo, I'm just bein' honest) -and even if you intended some tongue-in-cheek there or it was just to troll JB, it's a pretty huge compliment I genuinely appreciate 💯. But, if it IS in any way an attempt to _throw me_, you're over-the-clothes cock-tease tribbin' up on the wrong tree wood.





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Btw, forgive me if I'm incorrect how you come at me. I guess we'll see with your cold open promo but it don't pay not to prepare for any perceived avenue of attack and it ain't like you don't lean towards Mistress of Emasculation often.


Anyway, that whole thing- usin' women and their sexual power to inspire/trick men/pathetic dullards to do shit, buy a specific brand or product, watch a film, treat some other chick less than she is by comparison, etc -ain't ever worked on me. What I and Main said to Lycana durin' the hype cycle for the tag match (you referenced the Eiffel Tower remark in a promo, though you were, as usual, drunk at the time and may not remember) was a similar _strategy_- and admittedly a strategy that failed -so don't bother tryna use that to contradict what I just claimed.


Yeah I'm sexual af; I love and respect women, I love sex, I'm kinda old-head how I act and I've been respectful to you Atts but I ain't a sucker and I ain't no slave to pussy, ass or titties that ain't bent over my bed daily. I ain't capable 'a bein' swayed by it.




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I'd buy an assuredly frosted or "lips and assholes" type product with Bourbsy's licensed and tragic new face on it before I'd waste a dime and my time on advertisement tits tryna drain my nest eggs. I'd drop dollars at the cinema and spend two hours starin' at Ron Perlman's "head-on collision, no one survived" fucked up face- gladly, the man is an amazing actor -before I'd even consider catchin' a chick flick with the latest 🔥 "insert she'll-be-gone-in-ten-years-at-the-Hollywood-ancient-age-of-30-actress here".


Or tip a flirtin' bitch bartender 50% like some limp-dick virgin Charlie Nickles just because she's a cute girl and I (as Charlie Nickles) got a cock maybe.


It's an insult.


Pathetic. Again like Charlie.


Tbh, I wouldn't dump a match to my own GIRLFRIEND for any reason, includin' just 'cause I'm ballsdeep or we're an item.




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No honor in it. No pride. No respect to be offered and none to be earned in return.


Fuck that.


So yeah, you ARE attractive and sexy...but your best quality is your talent havin' NOTHIN' to do with the hyper sexual. And while I may have taken the precaution to shut you down in that aspect- like my bro Bob-O did as the X champ when you pinned 'im in bed and he sprayed you in the mouth with Lysol or somethin' lol -I'm very much hopin' you take an alternative route. Legit doin' what nature itself does for every preteen dude, makin' a dick hard, canNOT be your only go-to. I apologize to all the fans that wanna see that (and go ahead and keep doin' it where it works) but I ain't lookin' for Doggystyle Atty, as intriguing as she sounds, I'm lookin' for somethin' more.


Alias did a fine job 'a shinin' a light on the many Attys, I saw a few myself in the 24/7 Halls. I understand it's fun and liberating to change it up (unless you legit ride that kinda emotional rollercoaster)...but I wonder if it ties in to constantly usin' your sex like an uzi with the spray and pray play and if it all just means you're havin' difficulty discoverin' who you really are aside 'a the pussy. Confusion over your own identity beyond the cast of Attys we've all been shown. The sassy, the sexy, the soused, the self-degrading, the confident, the tantrum, the oh woe is me Attys...


I wanna know...



"Which Atty Am I Gonna Get?"



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::STATIC::




================================



Come ooon...come oooooon...


Some creepy fuck sits around the corner of an intersection in the 24/7 Halls clutching a string stretching around said corner and tied to a branch for a large stick & box trap setup. Directly beneath the box is a frosty cold bottle of Bud Light.


God, where IS she??


From behind the creepy fuck. 'Sup.


JESUS CHRIST!!


The piped-in elated exclamation of children. JIM CAEDUS!!


Wrong JC bruh.


Fuck are you doing here dude!?


Fuck am I doin' here? These are my Halls brother, fuck are YOU doin' here?


That's fair.

I'm huntin' Atty; I noticed she pins often and I've got this criminal level of obsession thing going on with her. Rather than address it clinically, I'm gonna kidnap her.


And your first thought was to use a Bud Light as bait?


Clueless. What.


Dude... she ain't a 16 year old white boy from Orange County or a middle aged good ole boy at a tailgate party. This is Atara Themis you're tryna trap. Aphrodite Incarnate. Hypersexual Greek girl on the wrong side 'a 25; she drinks-


Jim extends a hand clutching a bottle of Bear Republic APEX Special IPA.


-wine for sure. I think they invented it, the Greeks. Either them or Jesus. Also, she drinks lotsa tasty chick drinks probably. Oh and vodka straight out the bottle most definitely.


Deadpan. So...why the APEX IPA?


I look like a liquor store?


More a question than a statement. ......But you carry a bottle of APEX IPA around.


Nah, I'm the spokesman. So I can do this- Magically poofs another into his other hand. Here, two's better than one and the abv is close to red wine! MUCH higher than that horse-piss.


Fuck it. It's worth a shot. Replaces the Bud Light with two APEX Special IPAs. Hands Jim the Bud Light.


Jim tosses the Bud over his shoulder.


::BINK::


::SHATTER::


Off-camera. You ASShole!


A moment later, the string twitches in the creepy fuck's hands like a fish on the line. We all peek around the corner to see...











.."Atty" on all fours sniffing the brew like a thirsty deer.


Creepy fuck tugs the string and the box covers his quarry. A scuffle sounds within the box but clearly she's too drunk to escape.


Huge smile. Thanks Jim!


Aw, you're welcome bud. Now go get you some Themis y'little scamp! Jim turns to the camera with a salesman's grin. Wanna raise the odds 'a pullin' pussy like Atty? Poof, he raises a third bottle as the pop of a tranquilizer dart being shot is heard off-camera. APEX Special IPA. Hey, she's Atty and it's alcohol.





Bear Republic's APEX Special IPA
An actual product. And it gots alcyhall.



================================



---An Eating Establishment---



Jim fills the frame, looking around from his table amidst the din of diner's voices and horrendous piped-in pop classic rock.



Atts', I encouraged the limits you requested, for the challenge- because I respect your ability -and right now it should be obvious I'm attemptin' to promo like you (as of late) 'cause I wanna give myself the full-on Atty experience (which you may insist ain't possible outside 'a high heels or slammin' in the ring or in bed on the floor on the beach anywhere really, hell, Hera's shit-closet Greco-Roman style)...and thus far I'm findin' it half chaotic, half a wonderful shruggin' off 'a effort type thing.


But hey, when in Greece amirite?


I know when I'm "lecturing" you on the sexuality it's gonna fall on deaf ears. It's your thing and you're good at it. And that's cool, do you Atty, it _has_ led to success over the course 'a your XWF career (really I could care less about the other feds, if it ain't XWF it's prob'ly a joke) and other than my personal opinions, the fact you'd be wastin' your time against me durin' the hype cycle and the potential psychological implications, there ain't nothin' wrong with it.


However, and I say this with concern and love Atty, the drinkin' to the extent you show up for work either in the ring or in promo tipsy or drunk...that could be contributing to some 'a the less than desirable moments.









If you didn't immediately tune out or just skip my promo altogether, this again is another opinion on another topic I don't expect to be welcome and I apologize for that. Y'know what though? I actually give a shit about you Atara. Whether that matters to you or not, I don't really care. You're an adult and you can do whatever the fuck you want within reason. I'm just sayin', that kinda sitch ain't people laughin' with you...it makes you a punchline. Fuck what they may say to your face, they'd want you to keep doin' it for their own amusement.









It makes you do things y'may not have done sober. I mean unless I'm wrong.


Things like sittin' back and allowin' the Freestyle to be taken away 'cause you were butthurt 'bout the Shooting Star and Internet Titles gettin' retired. I mean, I get it. In your place I'd have been upset too. What I wouldn'ta done is hand my last shred 'a gold- or whatever the Freestyles made outta -to anyone like you did. It made you look weak, unstable, emotional and self-destructive...shit I know all too well myself. And it followed whenever it was the Shooting Star had already been previously tarnished which- along with disinterest among the division -started the ball rolling on that belt's demise. None 'a that sent a positive message to the fans, the roster or the brass, especially in combination. And I ain't hangin' it on you by any means, I know you were happy to be so decorated...but the last thing you shoulda done is give up on a title. Piss on pride. Flip off your own reign.


What else didja do?


Didja sober up and epiphany?


Nah, fuck that. Why learn?


Ya stoked your own fire with pure rubbin' alcohol, went on camera and blew flames at the lot of us.









And don't gemme wrong, I personally found it emotionally charged- and it was -and powerful. It also took courage to do that. Unless you were just like, no turning back blasted and feelin' invincible. I also noticed the part where you alluded to no one (paraphrasing) liking you anymore. Felt for ya. The reaction I saw however ranked from negative to apathetic.

"Huh? I don't pay attention anymore."


What you said as Noir Atty was partially true, _some_ people have gotten tired 'a your cooing. I was right too though, not all of us have. Some of us just wanna see you be the best you can be.


Only you can ultimately do it.


Go ahead, tell me to take myself and my 12 steps off the edge of a skyscraper (lol, good one Atty. I mean if you slur that out or some variation, into traffic etc). You can call this and what I'ma do to you in the ring tough love or someshit. Hopefully you fight back.


Like you shoulda done when the other two titles under Atty 3 Belts disappeared and the third was in jeopardy.


Instead, ya more or less vanished for a bit after that, to the point I got worried. 'Cause I care and I didn't wanna see someone with so much potential (for more and greater than) lose it all to self-destruction like so many others in this business before her. This ain't baseless, you were hurtin'. IdgaF if you were active on Twitter and elsewhere in other feds, that anger and resentment built up and boiled over in the 24/7 with Noir Atty. I had to explain myself while you held a gun to my face 'cause you jumped to conclusions...justifiably to an extent given your history.


The 24/7 X aside, there wasn't much of a pickup with you as far as competing until facin' John at Relentless. I did find it kinda funny you slammed 'im for incoherency when so much 'a your material lately sounds like this:

Prolly Buzzed Narrator Atty Said:"...whatever social media you fucking are stuck to even though pretend you're too good for such things."

"A thing with zombies doing undead zombie things and being general not alive"

"You're not sheep. No shit, you're not. You're the almighty Farm God looking at the sheep and thinking to yourself

'If only I knew I wouldn't caught.' "

lol... That last one sucks. Nothin' worse than droppin' a word in the midst of a punchline while insulting someone for "butchering a sentence". There's more:

Def Buzzed Promo Atty Said:"Fighting and sex are alot of like Dove"

"..we'll see John Black to the same exact thing.."

"It's why alot of us do it and when we someone try and fail so miserably time after time..."

What?


Oh Atty, watchin' you go through that sorta stuff is like seein' how fucked up Keanu Reeves looks now in the 3rd Bill & Ted movie. I'm like "ooooh noooooolololol".


Anyway-


As I was sayin', despite your pin series there wasn't a lot outta you until your match with JB, a match and stip reward I'm assumin' you didn't request and was simply booked because you have draw.


Ability to go with it. In the ring. You can kick ass, Atty, when you want to. But when you sabotage yourself you wind up on the receivin' end of an asskickin' the likes 'a which Alias handed you. If ya bring the drinkin' and the Sable grind with me, you'll end up the same way.


Humiliated.


I don't wanna do that. I wanna win in an actual competition or lose to a better opponent.


But...I know it's difficult for people to break habits.


So...


which Atty am I most likely gettin': Drunk Atty, Hooker Atty or Drunk Hooker Atty?


Aphrodite Incarnate Inebriate.


The drunk chick at the party. Fun...and always ends up on 'er back. At the very least her knees.


The Goddess of Engorgement.


If that makes you a Goddess, fucks that make every other ass, pussy and pair 'a tits? Or porn? Or Chun-Li's panties in Street Fighter II on SNES back in the 90s when she somersaults and us preteen boys paused it?


Mhm.


I ain't a john, Pretty Slitty Woman, I'm the XWF X-Treme Champeen Jim Caedus; my reaction to drunk and/or sexual warfare won't be anything less than savage.


In promo...and in the ring.


Because if all you're good for is sex and drinking...

























I mean clearly Hooters Atty got talent too. Fuck wrestling. Go get them tips girl.





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