Poll: Rate this promo

**Doctor Louis D'Ville** · (09-10-2021)

This week we're getting ready for some football with Jack Inthebox. The drifter was a busy man this week as he traveled from his dilapidated dumpster in Austin, Texas; to Columbus, Ohio for an appearance on Anarchy; and more recently to Tampa Bay, Florida to casually observe his opponent Rampage. Jack showed up to Tampa Bay stadium earlier in the week after he learned through his network of homeless people that Rampage would be in the area sucking on pirate dicks. Jack didn't have anything going on all week, so he hitched a ride to Florida in exchange for sexual favors. He was willing to do anything to himself for a peak at his opponent. First he tried the bathrooms. He whittled a peep hole into one of the stalls in order to scout his competition. Jack believes in getting as close to his enemy as possible while being undetected. What else would he need to know about Rampage if he could manage to catch him in a vulnerable position on the toilet? The trick was to get Rampage to go.

So in order to make sure that Rampage would pay a visit to the men's restroom, Jack had one of his drifters go undercover in front of the stadium as a chili vendor. Only, this wasn't ordinary chili; it was chili laced with Milk of Magnesia. Milk of Magnesia is a a laxative that draws water into the intestines in order to trigger a bowel movement. One scoop of this chili would have Mr. Rampage rushing to the nearest bathroom where Jack would be hiding in the stall next to him, armed with a polaroid camera and bowie knife. It didn't take long before Jack heard someone making a beeline for his clever trap.

The only problem was that Jack was emitting a foul body odor that even the bravest of restroom goers would steer clear from. Before Jack could get a good look at his prey, the man already turned around and decided that he would rather empty his ass in public. This made Jack feel a little embarrassed/ashamed. Not only did he sabotage his own plan, he just spent 3 hours waiting for Rampage to walk into his trap.

It didn't take long before the cleaning staff became aware of the situation in the men's bathroom at the behest of the owner. Apparently it wasn't Rampage who Jack had poisoned with his chili, but instead it was 5x Superbowl MVP, Tom Brady. There was Tom in the middle of concessions with his pants down to his ankles pressure washing the floor with his ass cannon. Jack fled the scene of the crime while the cleaning crew and stadium security took care of 5x Superbowl MVP, Tom Brady who was sitting in a puddle of his own excrement. Tom was yelling the entire time.

5x Superbowl MVP Tom Brady: "How could this happen!? I'm supposed to grant a Make-A-Wish today! I need some towels!"

Jack didn't have a backup plane so he kept running until he figured something out. Everyone was on high alert so a new hiding spot was his priority. Boom! There it was, the Buccaneers pirate ship was the perfect spot with it's crow's nest. Maybe he could take Rampage out with a scoped out rifle and win via forfeit. One clean shot between the eyes of the champ and then Jack could paraglide with the ship's sails to his next hideout.

Jack pushed through the tourists on his way to the hull of the pirate ship. His odor cleared out the room, along with a flea plague, which caused the entire attraction to be shut down for health code reasons. Jack snatched a pair of Batman binoculars from one of the kids that was leaving. He was a 6 year old, terminally ill brain cancer child whose dying wish was to meet 5x Superbowl MVP Tom Brady. Stealing from dead kids wasn't in Jack's playbook but he needed eyes on the field if he was going to kill Rampage and deliver his corpse to catering.

It didn't take long for a familiar figure to pique Jack's curiosity. There was a certain 7 foot tall, Humpty Dumpty looking

that was plodding in his direction. He wasn't sure if it was his Savage opponent or a sad lookalike. Jack tried to clean the lenses of the cheap spyglasses but by the time he was through, the man had vanished from his line of sight like a Goddamn apparition. This was the straw that broke the camel's back and set off Jack. With his hands he crushed the binoculars into pieces and pulled out his hair. At that moment he was bumped into by a man in a Tampa Bay Buccaneers jersey. It was none other than 5x Superbowl MVP Tom Brady who was there to meet the cancer kid that Jack gave lice and fleas to earlier. Jack panicked as he felt threatened by the bump from Tom. He tensed up like a provoked scorpion and jabbed Tom Brady with a heroin needle to the jugular.

The attack caught 5x Superbowl MVP by surprise which also made Jack extra jumpy, so Jack pulled out his bowie knife and used it to remove Tom's breeches. With Tom Brady fully exposed and out of it, Jack took the knife and castrated him in front of the pirate ship!

JITB: "Shit, I'm sorry Tom Brady but I got scared!"

Jack scurried off before he could be detected like a thief in the night with Tom Brady's genitals in hand.

Now in present North Carolina, we have Jack Inthebox eating creole at Cajun Queen with a black market trader.

JITB: "So that's how I became the owner of these genitals. I'm giving you a good price on these bad boys. $500 plus the cost of this dinner.

Trader: "$300, that's all."

JITB: "Sheesh, fine. That should be enough to make me presentable on Saturday."

Trader: "If you say so. Peace homie."

One of Jack's homeless girlfriends joins him at the table. Her name is Destiny and she has tattoos on her legs.

JITB: "Look baby this is just a preview of what's to come. Once I get that TV Title from Rampage I'll have even more! I'll take you out to get your nails done and we can see the new Ryan Reynolds movie together."

Destiny: "Ok babe, whatever you say."

JITB: "And then we go after the big guy! The big, rich asshole who's trying to make up the BDC rules as he goes. By the way, I think I've already made a few allies by speaking out against him. Let's just say, I've had a few potential business partners 'sliding into my DM's.'"

Destiny: "That's great, babe. Can we go get ice cream now? I've been craving ice cream so much!"

Jack looked down at his wad of $300 cash and began to run through a list of his upcoming expenses.

JITB: "Ice cream? No, I have to spend this money wisely. I need to pay for a ring outfit, alterations, a barber, boxing lessons, limousine, hypnotherapy, Also, I'm trying to get fog machines for my entrance and a large box for me to come out in. I have to go all out with this presentation stuff if I'm ever going to be a Billion Dollar Champion. BILLION DOLLARS, Destiny. You know how much money that is? I could build us a house made of ice cream sandwiches with that much money."

Destiny: "But babe, I want ice cream so bad. Come on, cookie ice cream now."

JITB: "Goddamnit we're not getting ice cream! By the way it's not just my expenses that we have to look out for. We also need to be looking out for you! You're my valet which means you need to start watching what you eat. We have to get you in shape and get those rotten teeth fixed. Your job is to be my eye candy and distract my opponents with your looks. I can't fight these two big assholes alone. So that means less Takis and Starbursts, and more of the natural shit that you see girls like Dolly Waters eating. In fact, I'm gonna set up an appointment with you and Dolly so we can get you on whatever plan she's using because that is one fine piece of ass. She looks like my niece, remember my niece?"

Destiny: "Shh shh, babe listen. I want cookie ice cream."

JITB: "What did I just say?! No more junk food. We're professional athletes now!"

Destiny: "Babe can we please get cookie-"

JITB: "Fine! Let's get your fucking ice cream."

Jack will see that fat, bald fucker at Savage.

Poll: Rate this promo You do not have permission to vote in this poll.
Mint chocolate chip	33.33%	2	33.33%
Cookies n crem	33.33%	2	33.33%
Homemade vanilla	33.33%	2	33.33%
Total		6 vote(s)	100%

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Buccaneer Chili
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