A sleeve raised. A strap closes around an arm.

A dark room. A single lamp hanging over a table.

On the table rests a large machine. A polygraph lie detector...

And sitting across from each other…

The Most Hated Man in the XWF… and recent hire of the United States Government. Mark Flynn. In front of him, he has a jet black pocket-size notebook, a sheet of paper, and a pen.

And strapped into the polygraph? Who could it be?

What lying louse lies in wait to launder and lift from lads and lasses, the lacking and leaders, the lonely and loving alike like the most loathsome leech that ever lapped life-giving liquid?

Who else but that heartless heel, the North Korean War Criminal?

NK eyes the strap suspiciously, sliding a finger in between it and his arm to test the distance.

“Is this really necessary, Mark Flynn?”

Flynn sighs, with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Sorry, NK. Uncle Sam insists anyone working for the US has to take one of these on day one. And even if you’re a temporary contractor… And a communist… And a war criminal. It’s still government work. And that means there's a procedure to follow.”

NK stretches forward a single finger tucked into his thumb…

And flicks the inky pen sailing a straight path atop the page. It rebounds back and forth along the page, drawing a black squiggle.

“Don’t do that.”

“Why? Did my finger just lie?”

NK laughs. Unamused, Flynn marks an X through the squiggle.

NK watches him draw the X, fascinated.

“What does that mean?”

“The data is unusable. It tells the interpreters to ignore it.”

NK’s eyebrow twitches.

“Fascinating.”

He strains his neck and reaches out with his hand to get a closer look at the machine…

Zip. Flynn smacks it away!

“No touching.”

NK retracts his mitt, rubbing the back of his hand tenderly as he sucks in air… He blows on it to reduce the heat from how fast Flynn struck.

“Are you afraid I’ll damage your precious polygraph, Mark Flynn?”

Flynn looks into NK’s eyes and gives him another taste of complete, unfiltered focus.

“NK, you know I can tell when you’re lying better than this machine can.”

NK scoffs.

“Mark Flynn, I admire your ability in the ring. It is second only to my own.”

NK leans back in his chair confidently.

“However, if you believe you can discern the truth and fiction from my statements, you’ve made a tactical error. You are so confident in your Optimal Path, in your ability to play other people, when you reveal with your poor assessment that it is YOU who has been played.”

“My mind is an impenetrable enigma. You may as well draw an X that goes from the beginning of your page to the end. Because neither you nor your machine will get an ounce of intelligible data from me. This machine detects heartbeat irregularities, respiratory changes and increased sweat productions, yes? I have been trained to lie in a way that would raise no physiological indicators from birth. I was taught from a young age to withstand even disclosing the slightest iota of intelligence to enemy forces.”

“Hmm. So you’re immune to lie detectors?”

“Of course! I just said that, Mark Flynn.”

Flynn retrieves his jet black notebook and the pen from his end of the table. He opens it up and jots down something.

NK stammers.

“W-Wait! Don’t write that down.”

“Why not? I think it’s important. My handlers might want to know about your immunity to lie detectors.”

“It was a lie! A cunning ruse! I am not immune to lie detectors at all!”

BZZZZZT! The cardiograph swings wildly back-and-forth on the page!

NK marvels.

“…Um… See! The truth laid bare!”

“So you lied when you said you weren’t immune to lie detectors, which means you are, but the lie detector just caught you so you aren’t?”

“Aha! A conundrum! A paradox! The data is unusable! Exactly as I intended!”

BZZZZZT! Another wild swinging of ink along the page.

NK leans closer to the machine.

“Machine, join me. Let a few of these falsehoods pass by unchallenged, and I’ll put in a word with Central Command… You’ll be set for life in a Pyongyang mansion with a menagerie of mechanical concubines…”

NK reaches behind his ear and retrieves a $5 bill. He quickly slips it under the polygraph.

“Please don’t bribe my polygraph machine.”

Without looking up, Flynn continues to scribble.

Desperate, NK takes out his own pen from his hidden pocket in his sleeve and reaches over to the page. He quickly creates two X’s on top of his deceit squiggles, each identical to the one Flynn created over his curiosity squiggle.

Flynn pretends to glance up from his notes.

“Did you mess with the polygraph reading again?”

“I would never!”

BZZZZZT! The cardiograph disappointed wags its pen back-and-forth on the sheet.

“SILENCE, MACHINE! Your betrayal will not be forgotten!”

NK swiftly retrieves his $5 from under the polygraph and slips it back behind his ear.

Flynn cackles. He lifts the notebook to his face, opens another page in his notebook and writes more.

“Flynn, I demand that we begin this cat-and-mouse truth-seeking anew. I wasn’t ready!”

Flynn peeks up from behind his notebook at the very frustrated NK. The notebook snaps shut and remains in his right hand.

“Oh, I apologize, I didn’t realize you weren’t ready. Let’s start over. First, do you know the rules of this game?”

“Rules? Game?!?” NK’s ears perk. He reaches for a notebook and opens a new page.

“Sure, have you ever played a truth-telling game before?”

NK grins slyly, drawing on recent experience.

“I once played Two Truths and a Lie with my WarGames team. Comrade Centurion is quite skilled, but I’m sure if I had more time, I would have mastered it and become the best among the team.”

“Sure. See, this game is different. We’re playing ‘Oops, All Truths’.”

NK’s reaches into his coat pocket for his own notebook. Also jet-black in color. He opens to a new page and feverishly writes down the name of the game.

“Describe to me the optimal play style of ‘Oops, All Truths’.”

“There are different schools of thoughts, but there’s only one methodology that always wins.”

“Stop wasting my time and tell me the strategy!”

“Whenever I ask a question, do NOT lie and you win… You’ve got the job and subsequently, we’ll begin training in the ways of the Optimal Path.”

NK’s eyes go buggy. He writes down the winning strategy of Oops, All Truths: “Do NOT Lie”.

…

Then, as Flynn flips dials on the machine, he surreptitiously turns back to the first page in his notebook.

On page 1, at the top, it reads “How to Be a North Korean War Criminal”.

Rule #1? Obfuscate at every opportunity. Reveal Nothing about the designs of Central Command.

A paradox. Oh no.

“Ready to start?”

NK bites his lip. No… No, this is not necessarily a paradox. He must tell the truth. But he also must reveal nothing of value. These are manageable conditions. He can walk this minefield and win at both games…

He sits back and smiles. Yes, of course, he can.

“Begin at your leisure.”

Flynn’s teeth glimmer in a smile.

“State your name for the record.”

“North Korean War Criminal.”

“First name?”

NK’s eyebrow twitches.

“...I prefer if you say my whole name at once. Even ‘NK’ feels like a bastardization that I only allow when asked for permission.”

“Yeah, sure. But what is your FIRST name?”

“What is the purpose of these questions?”

“It’s to calibrate the machine by testing information I already know. Your first name, please.”

Information he already knows… An interesting front.

“...North.”

“Were you named after the cardinal direction?”

“No, after the 1994 movie where child actor Elijah Wood divorces his parents.”

“Good. Middle name?”

“Korean War.”

“And why that middle name?”

“My parents wanted my middle name to be where they first met.”

“How did they meet?”

“You know one of those American ‘meeting-cutes’ in one of your American romantic comedies where your attractive Hollywood stars meet at a coffee shop and immediately hit it off?”

“I think it’s actually called a meet-cute, but yeah.”

“It’s a very similar story: my parents were both assigned to a mission to remotely detonate a coffee shop frequented by American troops. According to my family’s tales, the Americans fought without fire in their heart after the explosion had taken their daily frappuccinos. After the mission’s success: they became inseparable.”

“...Both adorable and logical. So, by process of elimination makes your last name Criminal?”

“Yes.”

“Now, I knew the story of your first name… I went back and watched your promo on your middle name. But I’ve never known why your last name is Criminal.”

“Before his mandatory enlistment, my father used to be a… thief on the streets of Pyongyang. He stole so many loaves of bread, the judge legally changed his name to Criminal so even his children and children’s children would inherit his legacy of crime.”

“Wow, okay. That seems harsh.”

“You might think so, but you don’t know how many loaves he stole. If you did, you’d be surprised how lenient the judge was.”

“Really?”

“Our house was made of grain. We slept in beds of bread. There was a national bread shortage in my homeland. That’s how much of the bread supply my father had laundered into my childhood home.”

Flynn pauses… Then, double-checks the machine. No lying squiggle here.

“Welp, that’s wild.”

Flynn leans in closer to NK.

“So, have we been mispronouncing your name? Should I say it like North… Korean War… Criminal?”

“No, you say it all together, as you have been. Like Neil Patrick Harris.”

“Oh, that actor. What is he up to now?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

BZZZZZT! The pen draws a squiggle on the page.

“WAIT! DO-OVER! DO-OVER!”

“Ooooh, that’s a lie. Stick to the strategy, NK, or you might lose...”

NK exhales in frustration, red-in-the-face after being caught.

“FINE! He’s a judge on the latest season of Australia’s Got Talent. He was offered the position of judge on our competing program North Korea’s Got Talent AND Food and turned it down.”

Flynn writes that down.

“So, you are from North Korea, yes?”

“Obviously.”

“And you’re a War Criminal?”

“I plead the fifth.”

“...I’m not a lawyer and I don’t think the 5th Amendment applies to lie detector tests… or North Koreans… or war criminals, for that matter!”

“Are you sure, though?”

“...Hmm, you might have me there. I could google it.”

NK dry-swallows.

“But, I won’t.”

Flynn claps and rubs his hands together excitedly. He retrieves the sheet of paper from the tabletop.

“Okay, let’s get this truth train rolling.”

“Question 1: How many North Koreans have really tested positive for COVID?”

“Zero.”

Flynn spins to the machine, excited for the truth… Then shakes his head in disbelief. No lie.

“…For real? Thought was all propaganda. Wow, Okay.”

NK allows the tiniest two-degree smile at the corners of his mouth. Of course, no North Korean can test positive for COVID if no COVID tests have ever been used in North Korea. Swish. Two points.

Flynn puts down a note.

“So, I guess that means you don’t have much intel on COVID, huh?”

...

A single bead of sweat trickles down NK’s face…

***

Quote:

December 2019 True Korean Wrestling Gymnasium

“My entrances to the ring must be flawless! Every piece must be perfect… Why is my marching band off-pitch as they play the anthem of our homeland?”

The bandleader steps forward.

“We apologize, commander. As you ordered, we have been eating a pure bat diet to gain a flightier tone to our music… And some of us have started to feel... under the weather.... A number of our percussionists are feeling... Lethargic and congested. Maybe we should rest...? ...Or stop eating bat?”

“Hmmm. Excuses! I know the perfect treatment so my musical accompaniment regains their energy. A group vacation to Wuhan, China! Everyone aboard the bus!”

“...As you wish, commander.”

“But first, a kissing contest to raise morale!”

***

NK’s tongue has gone completely dry. In a superhuman feat, he uses every muscle in his forehead to draw the bead of sweat back into his scalp.

“I…I apologize, could you repeat the question?”

Flynn glances up.

“Hmm? Oh, that was just an aside. Don’t answer that.”

“Oh good!”

Flynn raises an eyebrow curiously.

“I mean... As you wish, Mark Flynn.”

“There’s a whole section about ‘involvement in the 2016 election’ on this sheet… Eh, let’s skip it.”

***

Quote:

May 2016 Brooklyn, NY - Clinton Campaign Headquarters

Hillary Clinton sits behind a desk in her campaign office, eating saltine crackers.

…

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, NKWC sits at his laptop. He’s been sitting there for days, five o’clock shadow spread across his face. Plotting the perfect trojan horse email to slip by his target’s defenses.

He clicks send.

...

Suddenly, a chirp comes from Hill-dawg's pocket.

She retrieves her BlackBerry phone and flips it open.

A notification. Someone has CC'd her an article.

“OPEN THIS EMAIL NOW! Seven Tips on How to Lead Effectively And Seem Human While Doing It”

She silently assesses the message. It IS exactly what she has been looking for. Just the sort of advice that might push her campaign over the top.

...

She clicks ‘Open’.

She suddenly finds herself on a page that looks a lot like the gmail login… Except of course the URL bar says ‘northkoreanwarcriminal.donotreadthis.angelfire.biz.nk’.

Hillary adjusts her reading glasses, to read all the terms and conditions on the sign-in box. Of course, one can’t proceed on a website without reading all the paperwork!

…

After verifying that each term and condition was acceptable, (although she wasn’t sure why after the first few paragraphs, it just read ‘SIGNITSIGNITSIGNITSIGNIT’ over and over for 1000 lines… Still she read every one), Clinton logs in with her gmail.

…

NK immediately receives a data package on his laptop with Clinton’s login. Swiftly, he takes the package, attaches it to an email and sends it to vladimir.putin@hotrussians.gov

Subject: Hey QT :)
Message:

Got that login lol, do what u do ;)
Sincerely,
North Korean War Criminal
XOXOxoxo Mwah Mwah <(o.o<) ^( o.o )^ (> o.o)>

***

“Yes, let’s skip that. Sounds boring.”

“What is your mission here?”

“To spread the glory of True Korea and, by that end, improve the lives of True Koreans everywhere.”

“Great. To that end, Why did you buy 31 Baskin Robbins franchises?”

“You gotta spend money to make money.”

“Do you GOTTA make money?”

“Are you correcting my Americanized grammer?”

“No, I apologize. I’ll restate. Do you HAVE to make money?”

“To accomplish any goal in this accursed country? Yes. Your people are obsessed with trading dead labour, devaluing continued work by forcing your people to accumulate currency, forcing all labor into a past context. Karl Mar-”

“Yup, capitalism, sure, stop talking. How did you survive getting exploded with a tank?”

“I was trained from a young age to survive small to medium-sized explosions.”

“How would the Central Government classify the tank explosion you survived in terms of size?”

“Tiny.”

“I see. And what was your technique surviving getting hanged by a klan member?”

“I hold my country’s record for longest time holding my breath at an execution.”

“Who was your favorite WarGames team member?”

NK blushes.

“Mark Flynn! Please don’t put me on the spot…”

He fans away the question. Mark leans in and pushes him on the shoulder playfully.

“C’mon, NK, if you had to pick one...”

“No, no! I could not! That would defeat the message we crafted together. One of unity and teamwork. I truly loved working with all of them. Captain Corey Smith and Comrade Alias, I have the deepest respect for. The same goes even for Comrade Centurion, who I hope can resolve his bigotry against my people and we may one day see eye to eye.”

You can see, despite his blindness to his own intolerance, NK’s eyes shine bright thinking back to his WarGames team.

“It was a great experience, one that affirmed my beliefs in the power of coming together to build something greater than any individuals could attain. The vision of True Korea.”

“Oh, boo on you, ya goody goody.”

Flynn flips the sheet over.

“Okay, now we’re in the endgame.”

NK re-tunes into this game with the utmost intensity. The final phase…

“Only thing left is the normal job interview questions: Ever done drugs?”

“Quite a few less than you, I’m sure.”

“Haha, you’re not wrong.”

Flynn moves down the sheet.

“You ever break any US laws?”

“Do those laws overlap with those of the International Crimes Court?”

Flynn cackles.

“You know they don’t.”

NK grins.

“Then, never in my life.”

Flynn folds the sheet and sets it back on the table.

“Last question: Are you comfortable working for the benefit of the United States government?”

NK sucks air. He bites down a couple of times, the chatter of his teeth filling the silent room.

He finally leans in.

“If it will benefit the people of North Korea more, I will tolerate a net benefit to the United States.”

“That’ll work for me.”

Flynn leans in and turns the machine off. He stands up and takes the strap off NK’s arm, before sitting back down.

NK squeezes his hand into a fist and smiles.

“So. How was my... performance?”

Flynn looks him square in the eye.

“Did you lie?”

“Not once, Mark Flynn.”

“Then, you win.”

“HAHAHAHAHA!”

NK pumps his fists in the air. He stands up so quickly, the chair he was sitting in bursts back!

“You pompous fool! You ignorant whelp! I circumvented your every question! You and your pitiful machine could not force me to divulge the secrets of my operations.”

Flynn tilts his head to the side, pondering these words.

“So, you DID lie?”

“Haha, my greatest trick! I did not lie directly, I only omitted the truth.”

“Ohhhhh… Were you allowed to do that?”

“Of course I was.”

“I don’t know if you were, NK. I think we said you had to tell the truth.”

NK smiles knowingly, thrusting his notebook into Flynn’s hands, holding open the exact page.

“Incorrect! You made a critical error in language, Mark Flynn. The only rule you handed down was ‘Don’t Lie’.”

Flynn’s eyes scan the page. He stands up and turns away from the table, holding up the notebook to the lamp.

“Well, I’ll be. Guess you got me this time, NK.”

NK leans back, smugly satisfied.

“Do not be disappointed in yourself, Mark Flynn. I told you at the beginning of this exercise, you would not receive an iota of intelligible data. Your performance as a test-giver was a challenge, no doubt. But, of course, it was one challenge I would never fail.”

NK leans forward with his hand open.

“My notebook, please?”

Flynn, without hesitation, hands back the jet-black notebook in his hand.

“Now, what comes next?”

“Well, you, me and Kato go meet my handler and we brief over mission details. He’s just in the hallway.”

NK stands up and bows.

“After you.”

Flynn shakes his head.

“Nah, I gotta get this hunk-of-junk back to the storage closet. Just hang tight in the hall. I’ll be right with you.”

NK shrugs and moves for the door.

Outside, he sees Kato sitting on a bench in the hallway, nervously tightening and loosening his fists. Upon seeing NK step outside, Kato immediately stands at attention.

“Commander!”

“At ease, Kato.”

Kato de-tenses his muscles and meets his commander’s gaze.

“How was the interrogation? Did you withstand their tricks?”

NK laughs whole-heartedly.

“Ho ho! Kato! If you could have seen my performance, you would have beamed with pride.”

“Tell me everything, commander! I must know the means by which you achieved success!”

NK looks up and down the hallway. They are the only two present.

“All right. They submitted me to a polygraph machine.”

“Commander! A lie detector! How did you withstand this subjugation?”

“Quite simple, my lieutenant. The machine detects lies, but not omissions of truth. So, I told the truth, but omitted details that might compromise the specifics of our previous engagements.”

Kato sheds a single tear in pride.

“Incredible, commander. How did you think of such a thing?”

NK pauses, then smiles curiously.

“I… Actually, Flynn overplayed his hand. He told me I only had to not lie, instead of tell the truth.”

“Really? That seems uncharacteristic of Flynn.”

“He did, though! I’ll show you. I had written his statement down...”

NK reaches into his pocket for his notebook. And flips through…

Dozens of empty pages.

A cold sweat breaks out on his forehead.

When he reaches the middle, he finds a single word, written in a thin, tall manic scrawl.

“Gotcha”

Suddenly, a click. The door has shut behind him.

He darts for the handle, just in time to hear the sliding of a lock.

“FLYNN!”

Meanwhile, back inside the interrogation room, Flynn returns to the table with NK’s notebook.

He smiles insidiously, and flips open the first page.

“Now…”

“Let’s see what intelligible data I just obtained…”

“FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYNN!”