I wake up like I do every morning. Soft and flaccid...
Wait no, that's not right! The fuck!? I throw my satin covers off from me and inspect my undercooked love sausage, god damn it's lamer than a Charlie Nickles promo! I open the nightstand drawer beside me, pushing away the ivory dildo collection and reaching deep into the never-ending loose pills like I'm trying to find the forbidden blue skittle at the bottom of the bag, I wrap a fist and throw a random assortment into my maw and chomp ferociously hoping that at least one of them is a viagra. As I chew I look around the room now realizing two important things, one there are no bitches nor thicc dicks in my bed chambers, two I am blind in one of my eyes. These are troubling times indeed... I look up to the ceiling inspecting the sex mirror, I look... thinner, my muscles atrophied... I race to my dressing mirror to inspect my eye... Thank God, it's only jizz. It'll sting for a while but it'll clear up look down at my now less than impressive genitals I hurry over to the spotlight ball mirror on the floor and I become faint. My dangling pendulum-like balls have been reduced to mere dusty raisins. Falling back onto the ground I break into a sweat, grabbing my temples and trying to steady my breath, just trying to focus, do... Something!
When I pull my hands away, clumps of my glorious locks come with it. I scream, I scream at the top of my lungs that echoes through my mansion. A blood-curdling, whistle note that would make Ariana Grande say "daaaaaaaaayyyyyuuuuuuuuuum". As my voice goes hoarse I hear the chubby footsteps of my manager Riley Reed enter my room; I look to him with tears forming in my eyes.
"My God, Dick! You look like a Voldemort at the end of the series"
"Riley I have no FUCKING time for your goddamn British nerd shit!"
"Wh-what happened!?"
I manage to move my limbs out of the fetal position and get on my knees to Riley.
"I don't fucking know dude! Did I... Did I blue ball a warlock?"
"No, Dick, you're always generous to those of the dark arts... Maybe... Maybe you're just getting old?"
I lunge for him but Riley dodges
"I. AM. TWENTY. NINE!"
"Dick... You're clearly not."
I shake my head, strands of hair cascading from me.
"No... No, no, no! It has to be something else, I am immortal and hot this does not happen to me! It must be... It must... Be..."
Like a lightning bolt to the tip of my cock, it hits me. I stand to my feet and grab Riley's shoulders.
"Riley! I've lost my mojo!!!"
Riley stares at me blankly, his eyes almost glazing over like he just saw his grandfather be overcome by dementia. He removes my hands from his shoulders and grasps them.
"This is very serious then."
"Right!?"
"We gotta get your mojo back, Dick! But how?"
I turn dramatically and placing a finger and thumb against my mighty jawline.
"Hmmm. We need to assemble a team! And as if by some cosmic coincidence, I have a team readily assembled for War Games! The universe KNOWS I need my mojo back and I know just the place to find enough mojo to fuel me until the heat death of the universe or should I say I know WHEN to find enough."
I spin back to Riley, more curly locks falling slowly to the ground like I'm the world's sexiest chemo patient. Slamming my fist into my open palm.
"Riley, go grab my business eyepatch I'm assembling The Assvengers!"
"Well that was easy."
I say removing my tie as I re-enter my mansion.
"Now, where could I find something capable of time travel!?"
I scratch my chin as I ponder in deep thought, a voice from behind startles me.
???: "I can help with that."
"GAH! FUCK!"
I spin around to find Drew Archyle in my home eating popcorn... MY POPCORN! We both look at each other and point to our eyewear.
"Cool eyepatch." "Cool eyepatch."
"Jinx you owe me a chocolate almond milk."
I chuckle reaching into my pocket and emptying loose cocaine into Drew's popcorn bag who looks befuddled.
"So you can help?"
"I could, yeah but you're against Rob's team so I don't know if I should."
"But Jim is on my team."
Drew collapses the popcorn bag whilst trying to get the kernels out of his teeth, he finally nods.
"Not helping your case. But I like your style so okay, you wanna take your car or your car cause I don't drive?"
"We'll take mine, you wanna drive?"
"Sure."
Drew and I begin to leave.
"By the way, why were you in my house?"
"Definitly not reconnisance and sabotage."
"Well that's a relief."
After a short and eventful drive of mostly me screaming and Drew testing the top speed of my Pontiac Firebird we arrive at a dock in a remote location. Drew swerves into a parking spot and hops out of the car, I stay for a moment trying to unshit my pants, strangely a success. Thank god for Kegels. I step out and meet Drew who is admiring the horizon with a wide grin.
"Well." He gestures outward. "There she is."
I peer out to the sunset bouncing off the waves.
"Yoooo! It's invisible!?"
"What? No dude it's that giant pirate ship."
Drew points slightly right and indeed shows a huge fuck-off pirate ship, curse my blind cummy vision!
"Dude! How the hell am I going to take that back in time?"
"Time? ... Wait did you say time before?"
"Yes, dude!"
"Oh... My bad I thought you said Thames, like that river in England."
My jaw slacks as I look at Drew.
"Why would I want to go to the Thames?"
"Why would you go through time?"
"... Okay, fair."
"You want it still or?"
"... Fuck it, yeah, I'll take it."
"Sweet."
Drew slaps my shoulder and walks back to the car getting into the drivers seat, before he speeds away he throws me the peace sign and shouts.
"Peace dude!"
"That's my car!"
Falls on deaf ears under the squeal of tyres as Drew races off. I sigh looking at the ship with my hands on my waist.
"... Peace, dude... How the fuck am I gonna DeLorean this bitch?"
"Hey babies. Daddy's making a stink on the poop deck..."
I pause and question everything I just said with a sip of rum aboard my bitchin' pirate ship, The Moby Dick.
"Curse my lack of mojo I only pray I have enough to get through this!" I breathe a deep sigh. "My beautiful team has been SEXcessfully ASSembled so we go to war like two tribes with two rings and baby you better know that Tricky Dick is gonna DP the fuck out of those rings. Making them as loose and ragged as that worn-out cock ring between Charlie Nickles' nose and chin; hey capitán! How are things over in the clown car? Bet you're just building confidence with your team as they watch you jump on Jim Caedus' dick quicker than your momma walked into the abortion clinic and sadly both of those attempts failed. How much of a dumb fuck do you have to be to not realize you're dry humping the back of a Korean man? I mean, I've made that mistake before but I'm constantly horny, and that Korean BBQ was dark A-F. But yeah, pretty desperate to just try and sneak that title before our match, what's the issue baby? You trying to steal our thunder because one of your teammates fucked up achieving one or do you just know you can't pin Caedus in our match?"
Another swig of rum, mmmmhmmm! Damn that is tropical!
"So, Charles, what's the angle this time? With yourself, Demos and Thrax you got a regular ol' devil's threesome going on in you and with this carnie bullshit you've named your team I'm basically feeling that creepy clown GIF from American Horror Story forming in front of me. Guess you and I have something in common, neither of us can commit. Shame dude, at one point I kinda think people cared about you but nah you just can't keep that edgy 13-year-old in check and you jump from a child predator to a demon to a child predator in a mask more often than Dolly Waters quits a company. It's basically like having a coked-out Stephen King behind the wheel of a truck that only sells 90s comic books. And the most hilarious part is that you just talk and talk and just keep falling down after every single fucking word, Jesus dude you actually tried to win the Captain's match and you got fourth. FOURTH! Me and Fury were trying to speedrun that shit because we had a plan in mind, you couldn't break the top 3 and now you got a team that you had zero plan for and won't work together. Meanwhile, what did this handsome son of a mother fuck do? He got 3 beautiful babes that all have heavy experience in stables competing with me in a 4v4 match. I have the NEW X-treme Champion, the nastiest son of a bitch on a mic I have ever had the pleasure to meet, a fixture in the pillar of XWF that is APEX. Ned Kaye, this hunk plays 4D chess and is always thinking ahead, part of Apex Prophecy and Avalanche. Geri Vayden, bit of a wild card but baby that's how I like them, experience in the Left Hand and some other faction that I don't know the name of in another fed that I won't mention because I refuse to acknowledge real competition. Then there's me who put the Dick in Brick Squad."
"Who the fuck do you have bitch? Robert Main, sure, Apex but let's be honest, this dude only cares about himself and needs Jim to scare people away from his safe space and Drew to add some fucking charm to his beige-ass promos. Dolly Waters who gets bounced more than her dad's checks, gets used as a fleshlight before being buried between the couch cushions only to get suction cupped to another new BFF's ass for another week or so. Marf which I'm fairly sure stands for Mediocre Ass Fuck is apparently in a tag team which someone much hotter but about as talented and they've done well, right? ... Right!? And then there is Charlie Nickels who plays with himself more than a Blackwater before piggybacking onto someone else's work like, oh I don't know, attacking half the roster and then trying to make it like he's the asshole that spat in the gumbo. Some ratchet bitch with an ego who shits in their diaper so nobody wants to be around that mess. So here is the pickle you're in Charlie, you are unlikeable and literal trash with a team that doesn't know teamwork that well with a leader who solely thinks about himself and tries to be a real singles competitor despite declining rapidly, again and again, and again. Against a team, that with the points I've discussed actually DO have the capacity to work together. Also, we're ridiculously hot and fucking sweet as fuck. I was gonna leave you til last Charlie, had this whole ending speech to really tie shit together but you really don't deserve the honor."
I quench my thirst and itch the pube-ike wig atop my head.
"I don't know anything about Marf so someone else can bully him."
"Dolly! How's your face, babe? Last time we were together I think I broke more than the bed frame. Listen, I don't wanna talk shit about you, to be perfectly honest I like you and I do feel so, so bad about leaving your nose at a permanent obtuse angle. Least now you can be called a work of art! Even if it is a Picasso. But you are still pretty to me, m'lady."
My eyes go wide and I freeze, I don't think I have much mojo left. Damn it! I haven't even got to Main, c'mon balls don't fail me now... I have the power... The Dick Power!
"Forget I said that last part... Shut up... Doll, everything I said to you last time still stands. You've done nothing to prove me otherwise and you're continuing to do nothing except dumb shit; I saw you on Twitter, you're the only one on your team who is even promoting your team like why? Why are you sticking your neck out for people who do not care about you? Why are you trying to prove something to 3 fucks who do not give a single shit about you? People who will not give you the same amount of respect as you give them; Charlie will try and tie you up in his rape dungeon and lie to your face about how this will help you in the long run if you just trust him. Main will pat you on the back with one hand and hold a dagger to your throat with the other, and Marf... I don't know what Marf will do to be honest but he's a bitch too!"
"All I'm trying to say Dolly is you're dumb, and you keep trying to latch on to something new and it never works out. Shit, maybe you and Charlie are made for each other. I honestly don't want to lay into you too much, as a matter of fact anything I say will only be made weaker looking when Caedus verbally hits you with a semi-truck. Man, it's a great thing I actually built a team that covers several bases instead of 3 edgy fucks and a sheep with blonde hair; it's almost as if I'm a good captain! Whodathunkit!? Dolly, like I said, I do like you, I just think you're severely wasting your potential, and I'm not a fan of sipping backwash so why would I waste my time hitting up a chick I already Dicked?"
"Now finally, Robert Main. You just lost a title match so I'm guessing you're gonna run away from me again and take the fuck I gave with you? Maybe Charlie will make a last-minute trade with Betsy and get Estrada in here to cover you again. Man, that'll definitely take the wind out of my sails. And don't come at me with the "you couldn't even secure the Xtreme Title" because you fucking know that isn't even what I wanted. I wanted to beat Robert Main in a match, a non-wrestler, some rich dude who pops in from time to time to make sure we sell pay-per-view tickets beating someone who at one point could have been a legend. That's just gold, that's what I wanted, not the title. I'm too busy for that shit."
"Man how the mighty have fallen, dude. You are the longest-reigning Hart champ of all time and now you can't even secure it. You and Page were a dominant tag team and now you're back to being carried by Apex. I guess this is just what happens when all you do is fight Chris Page and then team with Chris Page then fight Chris Page then run back to Apex to eventually team up with Chris Page because you're a rat in a maze running without direction just begging to the higher-ups to just place the cheese in front of you just so you can finally know what the fuck to do with your miserable fucking life. How sporadic you fucking are just makes me so annoyed dude, fucking zombie mask-wearing badass one minute to promoting The Emoji Movie on Twitter and back to letting Drew Archyle showing you how to cut a fun promo. Like, isn't part of being a wrestler building a persona that people can get behind? Your entire team, except maybe Marf because again I don't acknowledge the cunt, just goes around the pinball machine hitting every flashing light hoping to get more points. Dude, people know I'm gonna talk about sex and be funny, people expect that, it's not a bad thing I don't need to just switch shit up and show that I'm actually a deep, dark, depressed bitch just to swerve expectations. That's why I have fans, that's why those fans watch my promos because they want more of what I give them! Shit, the Dukes have been recording promos about the same shit for 10 years and their fan seems to enjoy it because it's what they expect to see!"
"Charlie just adds more whacky sock puppets to his schizophrenia, seriously Charlie, looking forward to spooky clown I really think it'll be a hit."
"Dolly just copies whoever she's close to at the time and when she can't do that she just floats through the void."
"Marf..."
"And you Rob, again you just go through the cycle over and over just hoping to hit that high note again but alienating the people who just want to see your other 2 states."
"ME!? Sex and funny! And it fucking works! I come by once in a blue moon and I get more looks than a nun in hot pants, that is fucking embarrassing for you losers and at War Games, Acockalypse Now is gonna crip walk on your coffins and mister fat dick over here will pull a drive-by from my motherfucking pirate ship and ransack your booty whole!"
I make a loud clap.
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Finally made the joke baby! See you fuckers later."
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