Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

Agent Orange · (06-24-2013)

XWF HOUSE SHOW – OPENING SEGMENT

“New Disease” by Spineshank roars through the P.A. system; house lights go down and the orange spotlights run through the arena. A chair goes flying through the ring curtain, then a large poster in a frame and then a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. Agent Orange, wearing jeans and a simple black t-shirt with an orange biohazard symbol on it emerges from the curtain. He picks up the items he’s tossed through and heads down to the ring.

By the time Agent Orange has entered the ring and set up his chair, the music fades and the house lights come back up. Orange grabs a microphone from the ring announcer.

Agent Orange: I was supposed to be filming a promo today. It was going to star Ben Affleck, Morgan Freeman and Jeremy Renner as the President. See, the President was kidnapped by a terrorist and I, the wrestler who is about to wrestle his first match since coming out of retirement, was supposed to save him and get to the match at Yankee Stadium on time. The whole thing was shut down when Jack Kronus needed to film his promo, tentatively titled “Are We There Yet? 3.”

Agent Orange picks up the framed poster for everyone to see. It’s an older picture of a gentleman in wrestling trunks and a blue ring jacket

Agent Orange: This is my wrestling trainer, his name is Wesley Dallas and he taught me the science of wrestling. He taught me ring psychology, he taught me every hold he knew and most importantly, he taught me how to be tough enough to survive in the ring and the life a professional wrestler chooses. Mr. Dallas is clearly a failure, because he didn’t teach me that wrestling in the modern day and age was more about theatrics, lights and cameras than it was about wrist-locks, leg drops and letting the fans know why you feel that you are a superior athlete to the other guy. He didn’t teach me that it was more important to mack on a woman in public to aggrandize my own image than it was to be proficient in the sport I trained for. All the titles I’ve won, all the matches I’ve lost and all of the things I’ve seen mean nothing because I’m not running through a sound stage with burning cars or sitting at a bar and drinking on camera. Based on what I’ve seen from my opponents, that’s what I should have been learning.

He sets the poster down and picks up the baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire.

Agent Orange: I made this when I was about 14 years old. I don’t typically use weapons when I wrestle, even in extreme cases. I made it because it reminded me of my favorite wrestler growing up and what his sacrifices meant to me. He gave so much of himself to the sport and for fan entertainment, for my entertainment that I keep it to remember what I’m wrestling for. Legally I’m not allowed to say who that wrestler who so touched my psyche was but I can tell you that he was a gift to all Mankind, he is a great Dude to Love and as tough to wrestle as a Cactus. When he got on the microphone, it wasn’t to lay the tile for a game of tonsil hockey or to blatantly say that he was going to wrestle a bit so that he could feed his anarchy fetish. He spoke openly about how he felt and how he felt about his opponents.

He sets the baseball bat down and looks down at his hands.

Agent Orange: I’m sharing all of this with you because frankly, I am positively offended by Death Merchant and Jack Kronus. I spent years in the wrestling gym, I’ve spent even greater years in the ring with other men who put in just as much time as I did. We paid our dues; we were students of the sport. These two a**holes have spent less time addressing the immediate threat to their well-being and focused on things that Hollywood wouldn’t sodomize.

Let’s look at Death Merchant. I went out publically and said that this guy has a name that doesn’t even strike fear in the heart of the elderly. He starts going on about other things; I didn’t understand much because I don’t speak douche-bag fluently, but he started talking about slamming my ass. After he’s done slamming my ass, he’s going to slam my ass through a burning table. Now, I am a huge supporter of the LGBT community and I’m not trying to make innuendos about Concussion Salesman being attracted to me. Frankly that’s insulting to the LGBT community; they don’t want him any more than the heterosexual community does.

Eve, whoever she is, she can speak to me when she’s relevant. When she is good for anything other than being penetrated, she can speak. Until then, there is a truck stop that needs their Lot-Lizard back and time is a-tickin’.

Jack Kronus. This a**hole didn’t even have the decency to insult me with a complete sentence. At least The Nightmare Before Flag Day had the decency to purchase a prostitute and attempt to intimidate me. Jack Kronus spent his entire camera time, crouching with some guy named Jewelry-Box and just getting a real erection over being in the middle of a riot. A riot? Really? Boy-One-Get-One-Boring-Match-Free is at least trying to give the impression that he’s out getting girls and you are spending your time in a burned out car, getting blue balls and shell shock over a riot.

I’m saying this from the bottom of my heart: It’s people like you a**holes that are making people turn to MMA. The entire wrestling industry wonders why MMA is kicking our ass and here is the reason why. Not once has anyone said why our match will be a compelling match. There is no feeling to the match; there have been hook-ups on the Jersey Shore with more personal involvement than the three of us getting into the ring.

Agent Orange stands up from the chair and climbs to the second turnbuckle. He looks the camera right in the eye.

Agent Orange: I want the both of you to take notice and pay close attention. The threat isn’t a riot and it isn’t some broad at a bar. I am the threat and the threat is close. I am aiming for the top and I am perfectly prepared to walk over both of you, to embarrass both of you in that pursuit. When the sun has set on me and my career, neither of you will be a foot note. I was going to have fun with this one, I was going to take it easy and just feel it out but now you’ve gone and pissed me off. This is now personal and now you both are on notice: things get messy when I get angry.

You both might as well stay in your fantasy lands of riots and floozies because there is no amount of training that either of you can do, no special skill you can learn that’s going to keep me from crushing the both of you. When the newbies come in and wonder why there are two guys with a limp still working dark matches, you all are going to think of Wednesday night and how your professional careers ended in a big orange blur.

Agent Orange throws down the mic and “New Disease” starts playing again. He leaves the ring, agitated, and he heads to the backstage area.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode And it Leads Me to a New Disease.
Author	Message