A singular light hangs down from the ceiling overhead, flickering on and off. There is nothing but an oak table in the center of the room, with a collection of maps and photographs strewn across it. The dolphin whistleblower directs Jim to follow her as she walks all sexy like towards the table. Jim licks his lips, his trousers tightening as h-

Jim: SHUT THE FUCK UP! HEY NARRATOR, YOU STUPID COCKSUCKER, SHUT THE FUCK UP! THAT’S NOT WHAT I WAS DOING!

The whistleblower looks back at Jim with confusion as Jim raises his fists towards the sky. She shakes her head from side to side, slamming her hand down on the table so as to redirect Jim’s attention.

Whistleblower: Jim! They have the warheads stored inside an old folks home right across the street from the Gentlefin’s club.

Jim: Why is everything so close in this city?

Whistleblower: Because that makes it more convenient for plot purposes. So, you’ll have to sneak across the street. There is a secret back entrance to the old folks home that should let you bypass the residential halls and walk directly downstairs. That’s where the good stuff is. I was able to infiltrate the secret warhead base last weekend, when the lead scientist invited me down there to eat his asshole. While tongue deep in some tuna he ate earlier, I saw the warheads with my own eyes. There are at least one hundred nuclear warheads stored underneath this city. As a peace loving communist, I can’t rest in good faith knowing my city has those violent capitalist weapons underground. Please, can you take them out peacefully, and end this cold war?

Jim: Ok bet.

Jim turns around and walks briskly out the same door he came in from.


The scene cuts back to Charlie, who is still dressed in all neon and trapped in an alternate universe: a universe where Charlie doesn’t main event pay per views, but instead rolls around on the midcard indefinitely as if he were Johnny Legend or Thunder Knuckles.

Annnnnnndddd ohhhhh maaaaan, I got one more thing to tell all you ring rats out there. After I win that battle royale I’m coming BACK out to that ring for the main event. Brotha C and the dolphin slaughterin’ maniac are taking on the man who stole your dying grandma’s social security checks and the poor bloke who should never have been discharged from the old folk’s home. Moms and Dads, grannies and children of all ages beware: for this match ain’t gonna’ be pretty. The folks at home ain’t gonna’ like what they see on their TV screens. When they see ol’ Johnny Jones tapping that mat and screaming like a bitch, the folks at home might get a little nervous, yesss. But when they see fan favorite Thunder Butthole hop through those ropes and get in on the action, their hearts are gonna sink!

You see, when ol’ gal decides to hop inside that ring with Steubenville’s finest, she’s fixing to learn a harsh lesson bout what happens when little wanna-be rich boy fucks around with real pimps, man oh man. They always get smacked around like the dainty little hoes they are. You see folks, I got two hands! Two of em!

Charlie lifts up his left hand.

I got my BITCH slappin’ hand for Johnny Legend.

Charlie lowers his left hand as he raises his right hand.

And I got my HO slappin’ hand for Thunder Butthole.

And folks, both these little girls are fixin’ to get smacked up!

You see folks, little Thunder is the stankiest, nastiest, most diseased ho Brotha C has ever seen! Little Thunder does it AAALLLLL for the mighty dolla! See, Brotha C has seen some freaky hos in his day. But I aaiiiin’t neeeeverrrr seen a ho willing to step into that big ol’ ring and let two murderous sonsofbitches do whatever they want to her. But folks, that’s just how this freak ho gets down.

But she’s a fancy ho, so she thinks. Hell, you ever seen her little videos? Alllll that production value. So produced it hurts the eyes, yes it does. Now listen, ugly hos can get by just fine. But when ugly hos put their face all over everything? Now that just don’t fly right with Brotha C. I mean, there I was, smoking the FINEST ganja you have EVER seen, and I’m just trying to watch tha new Thunder video. Tha new little promo, see what this freak ho wants to do to me. But GOD DAMN, how am I supposed to watch this shit when her ugly fucking mug is all over the god damned screen? Every-single-fucking-frame has got her ugly fucking face right there in the background. She’s on camera, talking about how she wants to do THIS to me and THAT to Jim, but the whole goddamn time she’s got her own ugly ass mug behind her! Someone needs to teach this bitch what a butterface is, and tell her how she can adjust!

See I don’t usually like to beat down the ugly hos. It seems cruel. It harshes my mellow. Ugly hos gotta struggle a whole lot, yes they do. Struggle just to get by. Struggle just to turn a trick. So I don’t like to beat em’ as much as I beat the pretty hos.

But when ugly hos step out of line? And start back talking Brotha C?

Then I gotta put those bitches down, too! And if you fine folks don’t wanna see a big daddy pimp beat down upon his freaky little ho you better turn off that television before the main event! Because if you don’t, then I wi-


Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!


Charlie comes back to consciousness (woah, is the unconscious it’s own universe? Was Jacques Lacan right that the unconscious functions as it’s own symbolic realm? Does anyone watching this know anything about the interplay between quantum physics and psychoanalysis?) as Jim Jimson shakes him. Charlie pushes himself off the peepeepoopoo floor. His head is pounding with pain and his clothes are stained forever in what is, presumably, Greggo excrement.

Jim: The whistleblower told me everything we needed to know. Now quit playing in piss, we have a job to do!

Charlie: I’m not playing in piss! I was attacked! Ambu-

Jim: It doesn’t matter now! Look at me Charlie. Look me in the eyes.

Jim directs Charlie to look into his eyes with a flurry of nonsensical hand gestures towards his face. Jim, still dressed in his dolphin disguise, trades glances with Charlie, who is still wearing an electrical collar.

Jim: This is the biggest thing either of us will ever do. The fate of the whole world rests in our hands. These dirty dolphin communists? They will destroy all of human civilization, unless we put a stop to them right now. These alien communist dolphins want to destroy everything we love, everything we cherish. With the press of one button, these bastards could launch a fleet of nuclear warheads at your child’s school. With just one flipper, these sea demons could end the life of everybody you’ve ever loved. The end of the world is nigh, and it’s up to us to stop it.

Charlie: What the fuck?! You said this was going to be therapeutic, asswipe!

Jim: Fuck therapy! Therapy is for pussies! Are you a pussy, Charlie Nickles? I don’t think so! I wouldn’t take a pussy with me hundreds of kilometres deep under the ocean’s surface. I wouldn’t trust a pussy on this top secret mission to destroy Posadia’s nukes. You don’t need therapy, Charlie. You need redemption! Sure, you lost to some main event matches SO WHAT! All of those losses were to former universal champions! Everybody loses to them! It’s about how you bounce back from your losses! That’s how you measure a wrestler. Are you going to face your next foe with your head held high? Or are you going to pull a Johnny Legend, take a couple of tough losses, then turn tail and leave the federation? The choice is yours. But I think I know what choice you’re going to make. I can see it in your eyes. I can see the drive, the energy, the determination. You’re not ready to call it quits. You seek vengeance. You seek victory. You seek redemption.

You know how you get that redemption, Charlie? How you redeem all those losses you’ve taken in the three straight shows you’ve main evented? You win big on the fourth main event you’ve been booked into in a row! When we beat the television champion AND the number one contender on the same night, we’re marking out our legacy. When you drop that friendshipstealingbastard Johnny on his big fat dumb skull, you’re showing the whole world exactly what kind of man Charlie is. Charlie’s a fighter! Charlie's a warrior! Charlie’s the kind of man who will commit genocide against relatively peaceful dolphins all because they may or may not have a nuclear weapon!

Charlie: YEAH!

Jim: Now let’s go murder some sea rapists!

Charlie and Jim walk out of the shit and piss filled backroom with immense confidence. A toxic cloud of green fumes follows them out the door as they re-enter the common area of the gentlefin’s club. As the pair start to walk out of the strip club, the notice every single dolphin, whale, and shark in the establishment staring at a television screen placed along a sidewall. Charlie and Jim turn to see what it is they’re all looking at. The oh-so-surprising ending of yet another Johnny Legend match rolls across the screen.

Quote:Moving as if by instinct Stuart flips Legend over and applies an inverted cloverleaf submission. Johnny flounders, attempting to break the hold, but after several seconds the pain of being Knotted Up becomes too much and he taps out. The referee calls for the bell.

Charlie: Jesus fucking Christ, does that dude tap out every time?

A nearby stripper turns to answer Charlie.

Stripper: Pretty much! That’s why we love him so much! He is the most caring, most selfless professional wrestler of all time. The perfect comrade to everyone backstage. You need a win? Johnny Legend has got you covered! Well, they’ll have him covered, but either way you get my point! He’s always tapping out, quitting, giving up: he makes every wrestler he shares a ring with look like a superstar. He’s an icon! A legend!

Charlie: You’re telling me he’s basically a communal cumsock that gets tossed around and put out for a match whenever one of the boys backstage needs to blow a big load in front of the audience?

Stripper: Pretty much!

Charlie: And then he leaves the federation after he’s all filled up with failure to go find a new locker room to get pounded in?

Stripper: Yeah! He’s a real communist. He will go anywhere if someone needs a quick and easy win. He is always there to help his fellow workers. He’s always ready to slap the mat and scream for mercy! He was fighting in Action Wrestling, but after he failed to pick up even just one win over his whole tenure there he switched companies! Then he made Andrew Logan look super tough and strong! He’s so awesome! Who else could do that?!

The stripper spoke with complete sincerity. She seemed to really idolize Johnny Legend. Charlie and Jim snickered. Charlie turned to Jim and said some shit he really shouldn’t have.

Charlie: Man, these dolphins sure are dumb. I can’t wait to kick the shit out of Johnny Legend tomorrow night, it’s going to be a god damned cakewalk. Doncha’ think, Jim?

Stripper: JIM? JIM? JIM! JIM!

Charlie: What is this raggedy bitch going on about, Jim?

Jim looked at Charlie with absolute shock. The stripper ran away screaming. All the other aquatic creatures in the strip club turned to flee as they cried out for mercy. The strippers on stage cowered in the corner, too scared to run out in front of Jim and Charlie and make for the exit.

Jim: You gave away our cover! We can’t leave any witnesses!

Jim tosses Charlie a modified handgun as he pulls his own mac-11 out of his dolphin suit. Charlie and Jim start blasting, concentrating their firepower on the aquatic creatures running for the entrance. As soon as the aquatic creatures closest to the door meet their grizzly dooms, Charlie and Jim form up and go back-to-back. The two of them continue firing what appears to be a call-of-duty style modified infinite clip, as they never run out of ammo or have to reload. The two walk in a circle with their backs pressed against the others, making sure that each and every lifeform in that club gets a headful of steel and a belly full of lead. As their guns finally empty the two of them toss the firearms to the ground. The pair step apart from each other and survey the scene of the crime.

Jim: FUCK YOU, DOLPHINS!

Jim flips off the dead sea creatures. Charlie guffaws, delighting in the carnage. Their eyes roll right past the whistleblower, who’s corpse lay on the ground, unmoving.

Charlie: Well, let’s get out of here and fuck up some more dolphins!

Jim: Fuck yeah!

They march out of the club and head back into the street. They see a nearby dolphin humanoid standing across the street with a walker. She wears an old timey dress and glasses with a string around her neck.

Jim: Let’s kill her!

Charlie: Let’s dismember her and take some fillets home!

Charlie and Jim charge at the old lady dolphin who was just minding her own business, walking down the street. She shits herself in fear as the two men close in on her. Charlie hits her with a big boot to the skull, knocking her to her back. As soon as she lands Jim is upon her, grabbing her upper and lower jaws with his hands, stretching them apart.

Charlie: SNAP IT!

The old lady’s jaw snaps in two, her screams of pain ringing through the city. Blood gushes out of her wounds as a large alarm blares and a warning flashes across the screen.

WARNING: JIM IS HERE. TAKE COVER.

Jim: We have to be quick! They might launch the warheads before we can destroy them!

Charlie nods at Jim as the dolphin slaughtering maniac leaps off of the old woman’s corpse. Jim looks up, noticing that he and Charlie are standing right outside the front entrance of the old folk’s home.

Jim: This is it! They’re storing the bombs here! Let’s go!

Charlie and Jim race inside the old folk’s home, literally running straight through the doors placed in front of the building. They blow the doors off their hinges. An old clown fish is hit by the door and pinned to the ground. Charlie and Jim run right in, trampling the pinned clown fish with their boots. The clownfish is turned to mush as the pair run forth to carry out their heroic mission.

Charlie and Jim book it straight to the staircase at the end of the hall. Jim turns back one more time, looking at all the elderly ocean creatures cowering in their respective bedrooms.

Jim: Shouldn’t we go back and kill all of them for fun?

Charlie: There’s no time! We’re in the main event, so we have to be efficient! We need to finish this story so we can get to the arena in time to win our match!

They hurry down the staircase and walk right into a top secret dolphin alien communist laboratory. The floors and ceiling are made entirely of steel, with a few computers and desks leaned against a backwall. On the adjacent wall there is nothing but a glass panel that looks out over a tremendous distance of ocean cavern. Inside the caverns overhead lights rain down upon what seems to be one hundred nuclear warheads. A singular dolphin scientist is cowering in the corner, desperately clutching a clipboard against his chest. He looks really cute in a lil’ dolphin scientist jacket.

Jim: Turn the bombs off!

Dolphin: I can’t!

Charlie: He said DO IT!

Dolphin: I can’t! Please don’t hurt me! The program controls the nukes! It won’t let me touch them until the legend condition has been met!

Charlie: What the fuck is a legend condition? Why you lettin’ some bullshit computer boss you around?!

Dolphin: The program that controls the warheads is locked until Johnny Legend wins a championship!

Charlie and Jim look at each other, then back to the dolphin. In unison they both put their hands on their bellies and guffaw. Their laughs are jolly and true.

Dolphin: Hey..why are you laughing?! When Johnny wins a championship we’re going to destroy all of human civilization! We’re going to nuke you SO HARD! And then, cause Johnny is so strong and tough and legendary, he’ll be the last man alive! Then, he WILL FINALLY be the greatest wrestler ever! And my people will take to the land, establishing communism a-

Charlie shrugs as he looks over to Jim. The two whisper some things to each other before turning around and walking back up the stairs. The scientist dolphin screams at them about what a threat Johnny Legend is, but it’s no use. The blooming tag team just walks on, enjoying each other’s friendship while they make fun of Johnny Legend for being such a loser and they ridicule the dolphin people for being so stupid and bad at nukes. They walk out of town and head back towards their ship, talking about how much fun they had together and how they’re so good together. They board the ship in a jolly mood, ready to weather the storms ahead as tag team partners.