So, I'm listening to the radio in this big ole Kenworth and this dumb fuckin' smokie comes up behind me sounding his stupid sirens and flashing the reds and blues and I'm all like "well Big D, guess ya got it this time." So I pull off the side of the road and stupid bitch smokie strolls up on me and he recognizes me instantly. I'm the WWF Champion, of course he recognizes me. So he's like "bro, you gonna go to the XWF and get in that battle royal?" I'm like "yo bro, I'm already IN the World Wrestling Federation." And naturally, I hold of my WWF title belt which is lying on the floor behind the shifter.

He looks at me, confused. As if I told him Dunkin Donuts was out of donuts or something. Then he's like "well its a New Generation theme and they got a sweet In Your House logo." And I'm like "bro, I AM the New Generation." Again, I show him my WWF title. So he's like "dude you were totally awesome in battle royals and you can get a shot at either the TV or the Hart title." And I'm like "woah dude, slow down! It's IC, not TV, wrong company and Bret doesn't even have a title right now. And whaddya mean were?"

So yeah, the smokie let me off and naturally the next thing I do is go see Shawn.

Diesel saunters into Shawn's office and plops down in a chair and tosses his WWF title on the desk.


SNORT!


The sound startles Big Daddy Cool for a second but continues to wait on Shawn.


I WANNA ROCK!


The loud interruption causes Diesel to jump out of his seat as Vinnie Lane enters his office.


"Oh god no! Lane says in reaction to Diesel sitting in his office.

"Shawn, what the hell was that!?"

Lane sighs.

"Door chime, dude," Lane says as he sits behind his desk. "I don't really wanna know dude, but what brings you in?"

"Had a run-in with a smokie out on 95," he says as strokes his goatee. "He tells me there's a battle royal for a shot at a title that's not mine. You know me Shawn. I'mma fighting champion."


SNORT!


"What the hell was that?"

"What was what?"

"Let me in on that battle royal, if anyone has the balls to eliminate me, maybe they can earn a WWF title shot! How 'bout that?"

"Whatever dude," Lane sighs deeply, hoping Diesel will just go away.


SNORT!


"Tell me you didn't hear it that time!"


Taco reveals himself as he trots his fat lil piggy butt out from behind Shawn but not Shawn's desk.


"WHO THE FUCK LET HENRY GODWIN IN HERE!?"

---

Later on at a House Show in Ocala, Florida... because house shows are a thing I guess, I have an in-ring interview with the one and only Todd Pettingil live in front of all of the Dieselmaniacs, brother!


Steve Sayors stands in the center of the ring in his WWF blazer, charred and burned in places from his last interview with Diesel.


"Ladies and gentlemen, my guest at this time..."





HORRRRRRRRRN! INTENSIFIES!


"God dammit! WHY!? WHY VINCE?"


Diesel makes his way to the ring with a lukewarm fan reaction. Mostly, they wonder if this walk to the ring might make him blow a quad or two. As Diesel fist bumps some fans, he climbs the steps and and steps over the top rope. Sayors meanwhile, cowers in the corner, deathly afraid of the dangerous 90's pyro that one time set his polyester clothes on fire.



Safe from the pyro as the Diesel Blues winds down, Sayors steps to the WWF Champion.


"Ladies and gentlemen," he sighs deeply. "The World Wrestling Federation Champion... BIG DADDY COOL DIESEL!"


The fans go mild.


"Oh how sweet it is, Todd! Big Daddy Cool is BACK!"

"....ugh. So Diesel, in under a week, I'm hearing from Vin... from Shawn's office that you yourself plan to take part in the battle royal on Sav... excuse me, on Superstars. So the question is: you're already the WWF Champion, what more do you need to prove?"

"Well Todd, I once eliminated 75 guys in one rumble match and the fact is, that this title right here..." he holds up his belt and slaps the centerpiece. ...is the only one that matters. So, if anyone, and Big D means ANYONE, can eliminate me from the rumble, they'll be earning a shot at the World Wrestling Federation title!"

"That's... you know what? I can't do this.

"Listen, you're not Diesel! And I'm not enabling your delusions anymore!"


Diesel looks on at Todd in confusion.


"You haven't been Diesel since like 1996. Your name is Kevin Nash. You're not the WWF champion and the WWF hasn't existed since like 2002! It isn't 1995. It's 2020 and Donald Trump is president of the United States. Sure, Kevin. Sure that last one made me throw up in my mouth but you know what? It's true! It's real! Yeah, he's in Walter Reed because he caught a hoax that will die out by itself, but Kevin. Just like everything I've said.

"Oh it's damn true!"


Diesel looks shocked and despondent, almost like he wants to cry. He drops the WWF title to the mat and looks down, then kicks Sayors in the gut doubling him over. Diesel then delivers the Jackknife on Sayors, planting him in the middle of the ring. He grabs his WWF title and Diesel poses as the Horn Intensifies and the fans boo him.