The sun quietly sets behind the picturesque visage that is the Woods of Elderdom. All is quiet – if you’re able to block out the nearby road and gas station. Block all of that out and, yes, the scene is totally serene. With the sun taking its final bow, darkness soon consumes the landscape.

An ominous scene. The Woods of Elderdom holds a mysterious, macabre aura. Only one man would dare enter the woods this late in the evening. And, that’s if you could refer to him as a man. For he is no man...he is THE WIZARD.

Only…

He isn’t ENTERING the Woods of Elderdom. No, no. He’s EXITING the Woods of Elderdom.

Why oh why is The Wizard leaving his home?

It must have something to do with that nefarious Edward Mof, leading him down the steep hill, toward the parking lot of the nearby Chevron. The duo march across the parking lot. Mof’s pompous head held high, chest puffed out, attempting to hide its lithe nature. The Wizard uses his staff to guide his large, lumbering legs. His hood and robe are their usual grayish-blue. Why are we giving you this much detail on The Wizard’s appearance? Who the fuck knows.

Edward Mof enters the convenience store. The Wizard is right behind. Mof pauses, looks around, “Ah, there it is!” He points toward the back where a giant, walk-in beer cooler is stationed.

The Wizard heads that way. Mof turns toward the employee, who is on his phone, playing whatever lame app is popular these days.

“Don’t worry, he won’t be in there long.” The employee no-sells Mof. “We’re just going to shoot what we, in the business like to call...a cold opening.” The employee couldn’t care less, keeping his eyes focused on his phone. “And by business I mean...professional wrestling.” Mof leans in, wiggling his eyebrows. The employee has yet to react.

Hesitating, The Wizard looks around. He hasn’t bought beer in awhile. And, the last time he did, he purchased it from a grocery store. This beer cooler exudes a foreign element. A vibe that says, ‘don’t come back here, whiz kid.’ But, The Wizard, feeling a sense of rebellion, reaches out, yanks the door open and steps in.

“Holy smokes!” he exclaims. “It’s cold in here!”

Yea, no shit, bro. Now, get to opening!

He looks to his left. Wrong. To his right. Nope. He spins around, looking directly at us...there ya go. He clears his throat.

“This past Wednesday, at Warfare, I faced what, on paper appeared to be a relatively simple task. Show up, handle your business, and leave a winner. Only..it wasn’t so simple. Not only were Greggo and Bilbo tougher than I had any reason to expect...but, I was bamboozled at the match’s conclusion!” The Wizard shakes his head...a head that is still ringing from the damage it took at the hands of Mastermind and whatever name he calls his group.

“But, that’s okay. Your time is coming, Mastermind. For now, though, I must stay the course. The pathway toward success. A road map, if you will. I’ve burst through the starting gates, leaving Bilbo and Greggo behind. Now, I face my next challenge...split into three. Three men who, I’m sure, are lockstep in terms of career ambition.”

The Wizard shivers. A chill runs up his spine. He looks out the window at Mof. Edward is showing off a ring he won several years earlier from a defunct promotion. Again, the employee pays Mr. Mof zero attention. The Wizard turns back around.

“Chris Chaos, Wrestler 82, and Liam Roberts – I share in that ambition. I share that goal. Like the three of you, I want to stand atop this legendary promotion. I want to be the man...the Grand Wiz…”

Oh. Oh no. Gonna have to edit that last part for sensitivity reasons. Okay, let’s get back to what the Wizard is saying.

“But, in order to do that, gentlemen. I need to sharpen up my promo game. I’m a little rusty but, back in my day, before calamity struck...I could cut a scathing promo as good as anyone. So...here we go...time to turn back the clock and cut you boys down to size.”

The Wizard straightens up. He takes his staff and points it at the camera. His chest swells...he breathes in and…

We cut outside the beer cooler. The Wizard is gesticulating like crazy. He’s hopping around on both feet, waving his staff around like an insane person. A father has come to a stop. His son stands at his side, “What’s wrong, Daddy? I thought you needed your medicine.”

The father eyes the giant, wild man dressed as a wizard dancing around in the beer cooler and makes a parental decision. “I think we are gonna get my medicine somewhere else. C’mon, Timmy.” The father and his son Timmy hurry out. Mof picks up the scent...it’s the all-too-familiar stench of fear.

“What’s their problem?” He raises up, leaving the disinterested attendant behind. Rounding the aisles of snacks and shitty car products, Mof pauses, spotting the wild and animated Wizard. Arms folded around his waist, he shakes a hanging head, “We’ve got a long way to go.”

---

The first week was rough. A constant state of doubt lingered in and around the forefront of my consciousness. The vets took extreme liberties with me during our training sessions – sessions that were rife with derision. Had it not been for Mof, I would have walked. No doubt.

His constant anchor, keeping my motivation from floating astray, wouldn’t last forever. It needed reinforcement. Which eventually came, in the form of an unexpected glimpse of potential.

“C’mon you sack of shit!” an aggressive veteran by the name of Cole yelled, staring down at me as I struggled to maintain an ‘all fours’ position. “I mean, seriously. You are a literal sack of shit.” He threw a kick into my ribs. It felt like I’d be stabbed. I flipped onto my back, clutching my side, gasping for air. His boot, looking to bring me to my end, crushed my windpipe. Grabbing the ropes for leverage, his eyes located Mof, “Hope you’re paid in full, Mof. Because this pile of shit isn’t going to last much longer.”

I can’t remember what lit the match. All I know is that from one second to the next, I went from being mocked and choked to standing tall, over Cole, his ankle in my grasp, twisting with all the hope and intent on hearing the thing snap.

“Fuck!” Cole yelled, trying to get away. I was too strong. My base too firm. The entire gym stopped. All the oxygen inside the place had been consumed.

Tap! Tap! Tap! It happened so fast I barely had time to realize what occurred. Cole was tapping out. Before I knew it, several wrestlers were in the ring, tackling me to the ground. “Let go of him, bitch! He fuckin tapped!”

Mof rushed to the ring, grabbing my arm. Together, we were able to secure my freedom, mostly unscathed. Expecting commendation, I looked up and located anger. A mob ready with fists willing.

“C’mon, kid. Get dressed. I think that does it for today’s session.”

Soon, I found myself in the facility locker room, alone. Nearly dressed, I looked up, holding my Dave Matthews Band T-Shirt. A video for a national promotion aired...a man, a striking man, cut the best interview I’d ever heard.

His name – Mastermind.

The way he talked about mastering people’s minds. The conviction in his eyes, despite the fact the shit coming out of his mouth might have been considered drivel. I was enraptured. Pointing at the screen, I declared, “I’m gonna be like him someday. And, when I reach that level, I’m gonna meet Mastermind and thank him.”

“Yo!”

My attention stole away. I jerked to my left. There stood Edward. “Who are you talking to, kid?”

I quickly put on my original Dave Matthews Band T-shirt.

---

The Woods of Elderdom opens its branches for Mof as though he were a long, lost samaritan. Mof, holding a decade-old recording device, observes The Wizard’s cold promo.

He winces. He twitches. The Wizard, standing behind him and rubbing Jamal, looking to make amends for their falling out a few days earlier, keeps a peripheral watch on Mof’s stream of reaction. “What?” he asks, somewhat bothered, “no good?”

Edward drops the device into the dirt. He jumps into the air and crushes it under his feet.

“Hey! I worked hard on that!” The Wizard dives to the ground, snatching the destroyed electronic, “Not to mention I got an employee discount on this. A really great deal.” The Wizard turns around, his face consumed by the darkness of his hood. But, if we could see his face, no doubt it would be twisted in anger. “How could you?!”

He’d grown comfortable with Mof back at his side. Did that equate complacency? Sure, he was 1-0 since the re-emergence of Mof. Was it fool’s gold? Was the bottom about to drop out?

“Look, maybe we should…”

Mof, anticipating a break-up, steps forward, placing his index finger inside The Wizard’s hood, presumably over his lips. “Quiet, kid. I have an idea.”

---

SEVERAL CRUCIAL MINUTES LATER

“Okay, so we’ve got Wrestler82 figured. We’ve got the Chaos thing covered. But...Liam...what the heck do we do with Liam?”

Edward Mof sits upon a log, looking very much like The Thinking Man. The Wizard, using his staff for guidance, paces to and fro...hither and yon...back and forth. The two were wedged against a preparational impasse. What the heck do you do with someone named Liam Roberts?

About to lean upon Jamal for support, physical support, The Wizard comes to an abrupt halt. His head turns upward. His eyes locate the midway point of Jamal’s thick trunk...his head shakes. His heart remains wounded by Jamal’s betrayal.

Wind blows.

Trees moan.

The Wizard takes a step back, “Jamal...is...is that true?”

Branches quiver. Jamal seems to shake. The Wizard turns around, “Edward! Jamal has some information for us!”

Slowly, Edward Mof stands...really buying into this whole Wizard thing. The Wizard reaches out, placing a warm palm upon Jamal’s body. “I...I hear you, brother Jamal.” Turning around, The Wizard explains, “There is a tree around here named Liam. He’s a bad seed. A real bad seed. We need to uproot him.”

CLAP! Mof’s hands meet each other with great impact. “Giddy up! Let’s go!”

“Is it time?” The Wizard asks.

“I know it’s been a while, kid. But yes...it’s...it’s time…”

FREEZE IT

It’s time for epic music.

EPIC MUSIC PLAYS



We cut to a montage.

The Wizard is on all fours, performing push-ups. Mof stands over him, “C’mon, kid! You need to knock out 82 of these bad boys! Let’s go!”

“Arrghhh!” The Wizard grunts, making it obvious he hasn’t done much upper body training lately.

CUT

Mof and The Wizard run down the hill, snickering. Their destination – Chevron. Reaching the side of the building, they lean against the exterior. With a nod, they take off toward the pump. No cars are in sight. The Wizard removes a pump and sprays gas everywhere. Some might call this an attempt at creating chaos.

CUT

A leaf breaks from Jamal’s branch. The Wizard and Mof hop around, hustling through the woods, following the leaf which is set to take them directly to Liam the Bad Seeded Tree.

CUT

“Thirty-seven! Thirty-eight!” Mof yells, staring at his phone. “Aww man, Bilbo died.”

“WHAT?!” The Wizard’s 82 push up goal is unexpectedly interrupted. On his knees, he looks up at Mof, “You don’t mean...did we...did I?” His body, like his soul, is shaken.

“Did you what?” Mof is nonplussed.

Both men exist in silence until a light bulb flashes above Mof’s head, “OH! Not THAT Bilbo, I’m sure he’s fine. I’m talking about the actor who played Bilbo in Lord of the Rings.”

“Oh!” The Wizard’s hand finds his heart, “Whew, what a relief.” They share a long, hearty laugh.

Mof slaps The Wizard on the back of his hoodie, “Now, get back to those push-ups. You gotta start over.”

The Wizard begins the process all over again.

CUT

The gas hadn’t done the trick. So, The Wizard sneaks near the front door to the convenience store. He enters. Mof is right behind him. The Wizard rushes over and knocks a bag of chips off the aisle, onto the floor. No reaction from the employee. He looks at Mof. Mof shrugs. The Wizard turns and grabs a Snickers bar. He ‘accidentally’ drops it on the floor. Still, no reaction.

They are confused.

CUT

They continue following the leaf through the woods. It’s really impressive, the hang time of this precipitating piece of foliage. The Wizard, leading the way, uses his staff to knock debris from their path, acting as a shield for Mof.

Through branches, around bushes, underneath the sky, the leaf travels with the duo in hot pursuit.

CUT

“Sixty-seven! Sixty-eight! Sixty-nine…”

Both men pause. They snicker. They laugh. They even GUFFAW.

“Ahaha, I love it,” Mof explains. “Alright, back to it, kid!”

CUT

The Wizard and Mof are no longer sneaking about. Casually they stroll, knocking items to the floor. The employee, glued to his phone, fails to take notice.

Mof, hands on his hips, looks at The Wizard. Via eye contact, he seems to suggest something. The Wizard nods. He holds up a finger, “Wait. Before we do…”

Reaching over, The Wizard pockets a handful of Slim Jims. Slim Jims secured, he declares, “Let’s get chaotic.”

CUT

Dwindling lower and lower, gravity doing its work the adventurous leaf appears on the precipice of its destination. “Halt!” The Wizard yells. Mof comes to a stop.

The leaf seems to cry out, as though dying. “Eh...I...eeeee...arrghhhhh…” and with that, it lands on the ground, perished. Our view, zoomed in on the doomed leaf, slowly scrolls upward to find a small but stout tree.

“Hmm,” The Wizard wonders aloud, “are you the seed they call Liam?”

A violent wind picks up, blowing something from the tree. It hits the Wizard right in the face. “Ah!” He swipes his staff, too late to block the shot. “Yep, that’s him alright. A true bad seed.”

CUT

“SEVENTY-EIGHT! SEVENTY-NINE! C’mon, kid...you’re almost there! EIGHTY!”

“AHHH!” The Wizard’s screams fill the night sky. His arms tremble with exhaustion. Sweat pours from the black abyss that is the hole where his face should be. “I...I don’t…”

“DO IT, KID! DO IT!”

CUT

Candy Crush. Level whatever-the-fuck-is-considered prideful. The employee’s fingers move fast. His eyes are locked in. He’s as focused as any person has ever been on anything ever.

A giant hand reaches out, snaring the phone.

“Hey, bish, what the fack?”

Mof, holding the door open, follows the Wizard as they sprint from the convenience store. The Employee leaps over the counter. His feet land on and crush several bags of chips. He has no time to open the door, crashing through the glass with his body.

“Come back here!!!”

The Wizard and Mof have too big a lead. The employee is trying to catch them. He slips and slides along the wet spot where The Wizard emptied out a shit load of gas. Reaching the road, The Wizard hurls the phone through the air.

“DUDE!! WHAT THE HELL, MAN!” The employee sprints ahead, faster than he’s ever sprinted in his life. He leaps into the road, to catch the phone. A car comes driving into view. A loud honk is heard followed by a sickening thud.

The Wizard and Mof cringe. They look toward one another and sprint back up the hill, into the Woods of Elderdom.

CUT

“C’mon you little asshole! You bad seed! Get out of that ground!”

“You got this Whiz, let’s go!”

The Wizard, yanking on Liam, utilizes all the strength in his massive frame to...try...to pull...to yank...to...finally...unearth the fucking roots from the ground. Staggering back, he nearly falls on his ass. Once his balance is recovered, he looks at Liam, in his hand.

“Alright!” Mof yells.

The Wizard throws Liam out of The Woods of Elderdom, sentencing the tree to a term of permanent banishment.

CUT

“EIGHTY-ONE! ALMOST THERE! ONE MORE! C’MON, KID!”

“Ahhh...holy...mother...son of a...for the love of...oh my...I...I…”

The Wizard’s body trembles, violently.

Mof leans in. We zoom into Mof’s face. We zoom into the Wizard’s black hole (where his face should be). It’s tense. It’s unnerving.

And then...Mof yells out, “EIGHTY-TWO!”

Exhausted, The Wizard gets to his knees. Mof dances around. Slowly, The Wizard reaches his feet.

“Way to go, Kid! You did it!”

Mof raises his hand. The Wizard responds...the duo connects with a hearty high five.

FREEZE IT.

---

There’s always some form of rust when returning to an old profession. It’s inevitable. We are all human.

The key is to minimize the damage while removing said rust. Prevent the exterior from appearing too wounded. Emerge relatively unscathed.

That’s what I’m attempting to do. Chaos, Liam, and 82...you three pose a serious threat. A serious threat standing in the middle of my pathway toward ascendency. Normally, I’d slice right through the three of you...but this version of myself...is still molting.

However, despite my incomplete state, I know I’ve got what it takes to defeat the three of you. It may be tough, but I can do it.

There’s a confidence building inside me.

Strange. I avoided the services of Mof for so long yet, here I am, with him at my side, feeling more confident than I have in years.

Perhaps I was wrong about the guy. Perhaps he wasn’t the problem. Perhaps I was the creator of my misfortune.

Huh. Weird. Anyway, time will ultimately tell, I suppose.

In the meantime.

I am the Wizard.

Bask in my muthafuckin aura.