Hello! And welcome to The Ingraham Angle. I'm Laura Ingraham, and I am helping to protect the purity and future of the white race. Yes, that is something I just said live on television because fuck it, we're saying the quiet parts out loud now.

We've got a lot of ground to cover tonight, so stay tuned for our segments later in the show such as “Bernie Sanders, has he signed a pact with Satan? We don't know we're just asking questions!” and “Will washing your hands actually make you GAY?”

But for now, it's my pleasure to introduce a member of the Fox News Family, XWF wrestling megastar, and most recently, the founder and CEO of New/You Enterprises....Madison Dyson!

One of cable news' eponymous talking heads boxes appears on the screen, with Madison Dyson in it. She appears to be wearing some kind of New Agey charm on her forehead, whose positive vibes are completely counteracted by the “I stan for The Fuhrer” shirt she's wearing. Madison slides on her characteristic fake smile before setting in. Oh my goodness Laura, it's so great to see you! You look AMAZING, not a day over 56!

Laura clears her throat awkwardly. Madison, I AM 56. You know that. The daggers she's shooting Madison tack on a “bitch” for added flavor that goes unspoken.

Madison puts her hand up to her mouth abashedly. Oh, I'm sorry! Well, at least you're right on the money then.

Yeah.... Laura huffs before pushing forth a more professional veneer. So, for those listening at home who may not be familiar with the very important work New/You is doing, why don't you fill them in.

Absolutely! To back up a bit, it all started a couple promo cycles ago when Elon Musk gave me the power to change people's races. At first, I just went around giving minorities the gift of being a default Americans willy nilly, I was just so, so infused with this amazing power that I wanted to share it with the world! But I didn't have a plan....to cash in! So I created New/You, a premier spa and boutique where you can come, get a Brazilian wax AND change your entire racial identity.

Laura looks astonished. Wow! I mean...Madison, that's groundbreaking! But you're not just doing work in the private sector. Why don't you tell us more about your partnership with the Trump Administration.

Madison snaps her fingers. I was just getting there Mama Bear.

Laura mouths “Mama Bear” disdainfully but doesn't cut in.

As you all probably know, the administration's ICE Concen-I mean, DETENTION Centers are getting mucho, mucho, full. So I, in conjunction with ICE and Stephen Miller came up with a solution that will empty the centers in a way that is safe and beneficial for the nation. Here's a clip now of us embarking on this vital humanitarian mission.

The shot cuts to the exterior of a detention facility's yard. The entire area is surrounded by imposing fences topped off with brutal razor wire. Control towers house armed guards with sniper rifles. The detainees are huddled in the center of the yard, as ICE guards just barely contain the snapping jaws of angry Dobermans that encircle them. Madison Dyson, flanked by a contingent of more ICE grunts, steps up on a podium with a bull horn to address the desperate masses.

Hello everyone! I hope you're all having a wonderful day in these great United States!

The only reply is a wracking wheezing cough towards the back, followed by someone keeling over dead. ICE guards swoop in to drag the body away by the ankles.

Madison continues on oblivious to the tragedy. My name is Madison Dyson, and I am here to offer you the opportunity of a life time. Do you want to get out of here and become a real American citizen?!

The crowd of detainees start to murmur amongst themselves suspiciously.

Of course you do! And you all can leave her TODAY and fulfill your dreams of living in the United States. Honest Abe, I'm being serious! She holds her hand aloft “scouts honor” style.

The detainees continue to debate amongst themselves, until one of them finally raises a hand. Madison points him out. So, what do we have to do? He speaks as though exhausted and cowed.

I'm glad you asked! All you have to do is to accept the gift of being WHITE!

Naturally, this draws a great deal of consternation and confusion amongst the detainees.

Madison puts her hands out placatingly. I know, I know, it's tough to believe that something so miraculous could be that EASY! So let me show you. Gimme....uhhhh.... Madison points out at the crowd and snaps her eyes shut. Then, she moves her pointer finger amongst the masses before randomly settling on a young boy. ...that one!

The ICE agents leap into action, forcing their way into the crowd and grabbing up the young boy. His mother howls in protest and they brutally put her down as the child is wrenched away and brought up to Madison. Madison stares down at the cowering child and cracks her neck. You ready for the rest of your life kiddo?!

¡Espero que mueras de coronavirus, demonio blanco! The child spits angrily.

Ohhhh ho, ho, kay....I'm just gonna assume you are super jazzed about this. Here we go! With a wave of her hands, the boy's photogenic tanned skin melts away. His hair goes from dark brown to a pert blond, and his eyes turn a soft blue. The child looks at his arms with detached horror as his entire body shifts and alters before his very eyes. The assembled crowd gasps in fear, amazement, or a combination of both. In a matter of moments, the child standing before her looks like he was ripped straight out of The Hitler Youth. He starts to sob openly, but Madison just talks above his wailing.

That's right everyone! No pain, no fuss, no muss! All you have to do is accept the procedure and you are free to go! The line starts to the left and at the end you will be able to sign your citizenship papers and get an early ballot to vote for Donald Trump in the 2020 presidential election!

The ICE guards start to close in on the group, making it clear that this is not exactly optional. The detainees start to shout and cry as they are herded into a line.

The image then cuts back to the set of the Ingraham Angle. Laura looks flushed and she's fanning herself with some papers. Jesus, I am so wet right now.

I know, right? Do you know how many Mexicans we converted into fine upstanding citizens that day, Laura? But you know what, for me, it was all about that little boy's reaction....seeing those tears of joy and knowing that that kid now has a future as a God fearing, white American male. The world is his oyster. It just....it just makes ME want to cry. Madison makes a show of wiping a tear from her eye, but there's nothing there.

Laura puts the papers down, and runs a sleeve across her moist brow. Well, as you know Madison we have reached the part of the show where we proffer up some well paid liberal pantywaist to ostensibly serve as a counter point, but he will eventually just cave and let us shout over him. You ready?

Ready? Hell, it's my favorite part! Madison claps her hands together and rubs them vigorously. Fresh kill!

Great! Let me introduce Dr. Julio Santa Maria from some pompous bitch ass Ivy League college. Laura hits a button on her desk and the whole studio fills with raucous “boooo's”.

A Hispanic man who is wearing a tweed jacket with thick glasses appears in another inset. It's great to be here!

So Dr. San Francisco, I assume you're here to try to cajole us into competing in the “woke Olympics” with you? She palm slams the BOOOOO button again for good measure.

Dr. Santa Maria adjusts his glasses. Well, I don't know about all that, but I think that what Ms. Dyson here is doing is extremely dangerous and is tantamount to ethnic cleansing!

Madison bites her lip and her eyes roll back in her head a bit. Mmmmm.....say “ethnic cleansing” one more time....

Uhhhh.....what?

So tell me this, how exactly can it be ethnic cleaning.... Madison moans in the background....if nobody actually DIED? Answer me that you effete Ivory Tower Intellectual!

The doctor stammers out a reply. Well....she's....she's still destroying an entire race! A race with it's own history, and heritage, and culture. By making all of humanity uniform she risks....

Let me ask you something! Madison barks out. What is so bad about everybody being the same, huh? Think of all the racial turmoil and unrest that would be resolved!

Racial turmoil that white people caused in the first place!

Oh, here we fucking go! BLAME THE WHITE MAN! Madison scoffs. Why don't you just say you HATE AMERICA AND WANT TO SEE IT BURN?

Laura leans in like a vulture eying up a half rotted mouse. Yeah, why DO you hate America?!

What....I didn't say......Just then, a hand reaches into view and gifts the good doctor a wad of fresh bills. He tries to take it surreptitiously while moderating his tone down to the point that what he's saying is indecipherable. **Mumble** **Mumble** **Mumble**

Laura cups her hand over her ear. What's that? I COULDN'T HEAR YOU!

Madison gasps. I think he just said DEATH TO AMERICA, ALLAHU AKBAR!

Laura's face contorts into an expression of pure fury and disgust. GET THIS FILTH OFF MY SHOW!

Dr. Santa Maria's box starts to fade, and the last thing we hear is him asking for change for one of the hundo's he got before his mic cuts off completely.

Unbelievable. I'm so sorry you all had to witness that spectacle. Madison, are you okay?

She is now dual wielding two obscenely huge assault rifles. I think so. I'm in my safe space. But I'm gonna go ahead and cut my promo now.

Laura blinks in confusion. Promo?

Yeah, your producer said it was cool. Why don't you go take a Xannie break, Laura. I got this. Madison drops the assault rifles and pushes out at the edge of her square, pressing the edges out further and further until she has entirely eclipsed Laura.

Ahhhh, that's better. So, Geri Miller, eh? What can be said about good old Geri that hasn't already said?

That listening to her talk is like listening to a fart whistling through a loose anus?

That wrestling her is hard because of the natural oils produced by her numerous corpulent fat folds?

That her personality is the food equivalent of a diabetic rice cracker?

That she thinks shopping at Hot Topic IS a personality?

That the only championship she was capable of winning was the C-show's B-title?

Hold up, let's talk about the Internet championship for a bit. Like...what the fuck is it even? Do you have to be massively online to get a shot at it? And if that's the case why hasn't Fuzz gotten a shot at it? He's CONSTANTLY on Twitter acting like a messy bitch princess!

GERI, WHY ARE YOU DUCKING FUZZ?!

Anyhow....

Geri, lets also discuss how you tried to get haughty on Twitter until The Engineer clapped you harder than Skyler did on prom night when he convinced you to let him go all in without a Durex. (It's a play on words hon, think about it but don't hurt yourself).

Atara = Vanquished
Barney = Vanquished

Madison Dyson goes down next on my way to the #MarchMadness @XWF1999 semi finals

— CoolKid Geri (@GeriWithAnI) March 3, 2020

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Ahhhh, yeah, there's that money. So, is this bitch seriously crowing about beating Barney Green? That's like being proud of the fact that you made it through an entire day without masturbating in public. Which, ironically enough, for Barney probably IS an achievement, but it's the lowest of low bars to clear for the rest of us, Geri.

Yeahhhhhhhh, so look bitch, you lost to me, okay? So maybe you should pump the breaks on that bravado a smidge because you have done NOTHING since then to lend credence to the fact that this second go round is going to be any different than the first. I mean, sure you won that Internet Title from the only chick on the roster that makes you look svelte, but sweetie I grew up on the dairy and cow tipping is second nature to me too, ya feel me?

I'm gonna beat your ass again, Geri. And even if the planets align just right and you somehow don't roll both your ankles heaving yourself off your HoverRound so you can waddle into the ring, even IF you somehow manage to put on a PASSABLE wrestling performance that makes me break out in a single bead of sweat, then I have plenty of friends at my disposal to make sure mama scores that dubya. Because fuck yeah I'll cheat again. Who you got? Centurion? Yes, please bring his geriatric ass to the ring with you. I mean, what choice do you have? You need to get something out of those old bones to make up for all those long hours you spent elbow deep in his pucker milking his grapefruit sized prostate! Was that as good for you as it was for him? I bet you didn't even scrub underneath your finger nails afterwards. NASTY ASS!

I understand you may have been too busy lately pandering for attention on social media to notice, but I am the odds on favorite to win this. And despite you being a “champion” (and I use that term in the loosest possible way), the odds makers have assessed you as being a mediocre 8/1 chance to win this thing. Think about that, you are the only “champion” (big fuckin' quotes there!) in the entire March Madness tournament and STILL most people thought at the onset of this thing that there are 4 people who had a better shot at winning than you, and another 3 people who had roughly the same shot at winning as you.

Does that sound like a ringing fucking endorsement?

Nope! Because just like literally every other thing about you, your chances of winning March Madness are MEDIOCRE at best. The writing is on the wall, and it clearly reads: Geri Miller is a fat sack of MEH.

Oh, but what do the bookies know, you will protest! Fine. Then take my measurements you paint huffer. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you take me lightly at your own peril. I've forgotten more knowledge about wrestling on a weekend bender than you've known in your entire goddamn life. I've won championships across multiple promotions and been in these trenches for almost half the time you've been ALIVE. Plus, I'm just SMARTER than you. After all, nothing says Mensa like somebody who's XWF profile reads “Personality: STONER”. Anybody who uses marijuana as the corner stone of their entire existence is GUARANTEED to be a human waste product who finds double knotting their shoe laces to be a Herculean challenge. Geri's probably one of those mouth breathers who wears pot leaf clothes unironically and then wonders why the cops always want to search her car after she gets pulled over because the zip tie broke and the muffler's dragging on the pavement again.

I literally cannot WAIT to tear apart whatever bland verbal diarrhea you decide to grace us with. But until then, here's a clip that I'm sure will speak to you on a spiritual level. Because you're a moron.



BYYYYEEEEEE!

Madison waves goodbye emphatically as her talking head inset gets smaller and smaller until nothing is left but a very confused looking Laura Ingraham.