It's hard to beat a good backup plan. In just about every sport in the world, teams sign players they never EXPECT to play, just in case one of their stars suffer an injury. Because while nobody WANTS to rely on their Plan B, they would be foolish NOT to have one in place.
This is exactly what I intend to do by entering myself into the Open Invitation Battle Royal for Relentless Day 1. While I fully intend to walk away from Day 2 still the Xtreme Champion, I'm not an idiot. As we saw in my match against Thaddeus Duke, you can be the most talented athlete in the world and still lose due to unforeseen circumstances. Outside interference, as well as ref's going into business for themselves, can cause someone even as good as Robert Main to fall flat on their face. Knowing anything is possible, I've got to look out for my best interest and keep myself in Title contention in case something DOES go wrong in my Championship Match. Worst case scenario, I set myself up for another opportunity to become a Double Champion when I DO successfully retain against Fuzz. It's a win-win scenario regardless.
When I look at the competitors in this match, it truly keeps me up at night. However, I don't lose sleep because I fear them, I lose it from laughing hysterically at them all night long. The fact that this joke of a match has any sort of Title shot on the line is pathetic. It's like they booked it straight out of the jobber lockeroom! The only person missing is Mingermind himself. Some people might argue that Finn Kuhn is no joke, but what the hell has he done recently? He may be a "big name" to people who remember guys like Migraine, but that doesn't mean shit to the fans, or roster, of now!
Well, Big D is gonna add some star power to, not only this match, but Relentless Day 1 in general. Before I announced my entry, the favorite to win was very likely Barney fucking Green. When Barney Green is the biggest name in a match, you know the talent level is shittier than Shane
's hotel room after a night with a $5 hooker. But never fear, now that I'm in the Battle Royal, there'll be a reason for fans to tune in!
I actually feel bad for Barney Green, though, I'm sure he had a similar thought process as I did and was expecting an easy victory. Sorry to ruin your day, Barn, but I couldn't just sit back and watch someone undeserving get handed a Title shot! It's nothing against you, I respect that you were World Champion back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, but that doesn't mean you deserve a high profile matches against Tony Santos or Thaddeus Duke. It's a whole different ball game, not just for this match, but in XWF in general. The truth is, you don't have what it takes to hang with the likes of me. But hey, runner-up isn't too bad of a spot; maybe they'll give you a shot at the belt I DON'T go for. Fat chance, though!
Speaking of fat chances, when I look over the names of participants in this match, I seriously wonder who most of these people are! I mean, one of them literally goes by "The Wretched NOBODY" for crying out loud! And who the fuck is Tyler Cross?!?! With a name like that, I would expect to see him jobbing to someone like Viscera on an old episode of Sunday Night Heat. And not in a match where he gets in a few good shots, nope, I'm talkin' about a straight up squash match! Well, don't worry, Tyler, I'll make you feel right at home when I make quick work of you!
And then there's Isabella Ravenwolf, a character straight out of a J.K. Rowling novel. It's rather shocking to find a female wrestler whose name DOESN'T give you the urge to shove dollar bills into her underwear! I'd say she passes the name test, but considering I fear Voldemort(a FICTIONAL character) more than her, that's not saying much. She should take solace in passing the name test, though, because it's gonna be the only success she experiences as long as I'm around!
While we're on the subject of success, that brings me to the current Heavymetalweight Champion, Jim Jimson. Most people won't give him credit for being a Champion because of the belt he's holding, but I give him all the props in the world. He's probably the best Heavymetalweight Champion since it was held by the likes of me and Lux. Though he's been successful in capturing and defending that belt, the level of competition challenging for it is on par with the rest of the "wrestlers" in this Battle Royal(myself excluded, of course). And while it'd be unfair to judge him based on THAT, you can only fight whoever is put in front of you, why don't we take a look at what happened when he stepped out of his comfort zone?
Jim got big headed and believed he was destined for bigger, better things. So what did he do? He tried to take MY Xtreme Championship, multiple times, and failed with each and every try! He shoved a fucking pinecone down my throat, broke into my house, TWICE, AND attacked me while I was at Sea World! But I was always on guard and ready to kickout, because the XWF is MY ocean and Jim Jimson is merely plankton for me, the bigger fish, to feed on. And if you think for a second I won't return the favor for the pinecone down my throat, you'd be mistaken! I got a size 13 boot that I'm gonna shove right up his ass once we meet in the ring come Relentless!
You wanna know who else gives me the desire to shove my foot up their ass? Thunder Knuckles. I've heard of the White Knuckler(a girl who gives hand jobs so tight, you can see the whites of her knuckles), but this guy takes the cake! I'd talk shit about how he probably gives HJs, but considering he needs X-Bux SOOOOOOO badly, I think that goes without saying. He probably wouldn't be offended by it, either, because if it gets him his money he's gonna do whatever it takes. Essentially, Knucks is an X-Bux whore! He talks about them more than Kid Kool ever did, and that's saying something.
In the same way I do for taking the spotlight from Barney Green, I actually feel bad for Thunder Knuckles. My being in this match means he's NOT gonna win and get his precious Bux. I'm sure he needs that money to fix the plumbing in his trailer, so I'll tell ya what? Here's some X-Bux because I feel bad and money isn't an issue for me. Obviously you need it more than I do. You're gonna need it to have a doctor rearrange your face after I'm done giving you MY thunder knuckles.
And that goes to anyone else who wants to enter this Battle Royal, if you step up, you're gonna get knocked down. If you're thinking about participating, here's some advice: don't. Now that I've tossed my name into the hat, there's no reason for anyone else to waste their time; you're only gonna get your ass handed to you! If you have a match later at Relentless, you might as well not risk an injury and focus on THAT match instead. Because everybody knows the winner is right here and his name is Big D!
The question is, though, which belt do I go for when I win? A TV Title shot sets me up for another match with Thaddeus Duke, someone who is the true definition of a sham of a Champion. People want to question MY reign as Xtreme Champion?! One look at my bout with Duke, and even Stevie Wonder could see that I had that match won. If it wasn't for Mastermind's interference when I was within arm's reach of the Title, I'd be standing here right now with a belt over each of my shoulders. Thaddeus didn't prove he was the better man, but rather a poor excuse for a competitor who couldn't win the Championship without help.
Knowing Duke and I have unfinished business makes it tempting to go for his Title. I know I can beat him, I already proved that before Mastermind showed up. A rematch would give me the chance to further display what the world SHOULD already know: that Big D got robbed. That I'm obviously on a completely different level than the current TV Champion, I'm a man while he's merely a child. The next time Thad and I are in the ring together, he's gonna need his Pampers changed after I'm done with him. And as tempting as that may be, it's not the only option to consider upon victory.
A shot at the Hart Title also hangs in the balance and, considering who the Champion is, it may be the better of the choices. Tony Santos is one of the most respected competitors in XWF today. As I prepared for my Universal Title match, all I heard was people clamoring to see Main vs Santos, and I will never forget how disrespected I felt upon hearing that. Me and Donovan Blackwater were written off like we were nothing, though I don't blame 'em for feeling that way about Blackwater. It's nothing against Tony, because he's proven himself time and time again that he may be the best Hart Champion of all time, but that doesn't take away the fact people wanted him against MAIN as opposed to ME.
Knowing how people view Tony makes facing him almost impossible to resist. If everyone views him as a potential Universal Title contender, there's no way they could deny the person who defeats him the same respect. While him losing the belt might help accelerate him to the Main Event, it would also set the person who takes it from him up for the same opportunity down the line. That's a bigger boost to your career than a win over someone still in school could EVER do.
Now I'm no fool, I'm fully aware Tony has a hot date with Centurion before having to worry about the result of the Battle Royal. I also know that if Centurion wins that match, he has to defend the belt against Mastermind. As much as I despise Mastermind, I can't help but root for him if that situation DOES arise. The chance to exact my revenge on him for costing me the TV Title, by taking a Championship from HIM, would be the ultimate poetic justice. And regardless of if it's him, Tony, or Centurion; a win over ANY of those men would instantly toss me into the discussion of Universal Title contenders. And that's always been the ultimate goal.
I'm not doing this to get an easy win, even though it will be, I'm doing it for the long-term. If beating a bunch of enhancement talent is gonna earn me another Title shot against some REAL competition, then that's what I'm gonna do. If management doesn't want to open their eyes and see the superstar in front of them, I'm gonna stand in their path until they DO! And if that means winning every belt the company has until I get a fair, one on one shot at the Universal Champion.......... then so be it. That ain't no story, it's the Cold Big D Truth.
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