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Boris · (09-27-2019)

Ah, the States of United America. Or, as they like to call themselves, "America". How selfish is that blin? There are two continents called "America", but only the States is where "Americans" live? I guess that's what happens when you have large nuclear arsonal blin.

Boris survived the trip across the ocean and arrived in Miami. The water guards let me in no problem. I told them I was Ukrainian and had information on Joe Biden. Is easy.

The first thing I needed to do was to purchase vodka. A twenty-seven hour ride on a rusty boat really makes a Slav thirsty. I went to first convenient store I could and bought a bottle of something called "Pinnacle".

America...we have to talk. Why do you label things something that it is clearly not? I went to buy vodka, but I purchased diesel. It is shit, get rid of it. Cyka blyat, no wonder there is so much violence in your country. No one drinks good vodka. Is no problem, I found a bar that sells imported beer for pretty cheap.

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After a few hours of becoming acquainted with the locals, I decided to explore Miami. Do you know what looks strange and feels terrible blin? A man in a track suit and ushanka in the Miami sun. So many people in bathing suits, ladies in bikinis - this is not normal sight in Slovakia. In Slovakia, it is warm approximately 4 days a year, and when that happen, we all stand outside and complain about the heat. Slavs hate all weather blin.

I also went into local grocery story to try different American food. You really have to know what you're looking for blin. America, is has to much stuff. I look for mayonez, there is five kinds of mayonez...well, four. Miracle Whip is not mayonez! Also, what do you do to your chicken blin?! It takes like inside of greace basket! Is all fried, no flavor!

But the sausage...oh, borsha! I try something called "summer sausage" - it was blyatful! With a little bit of mayonez, opa! Now we're talking!

After meeting some...uh, fans, and eating a tasty kebab from street vendor, I go inside to cool down and quench my thirst. I thought I was walking into jewelry store, but no, it was bar! Boris has never seen tables made out of glass in bar! Everything very fancy...and very expensive blyat.

Today I learn, Americans do not haggle. When they say a price, it is that price. I order glass of vodka, they charge me twelve dollars! What the blyat is that! What am I paying you for, ice?

They give me glass with ice and vodka. I say, "what is this blin?" They say it is vodka called "Eee Gee Orgin" out of Oregon. First glass was fine - better than Pinnacle cyka I had earlier. Waitress tells me "ah, Boris, international Slav superstar, the second glass always taste better." So I have second glass. Turns out, she's was right...and the eighth glass, opa! Absolutely blyatful!

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I woke up next day in my hotel room. I do not know how I got there, comrades. I don't even remember checking in. But this place is very nice blin. Free coffee. Large television for watching "Ridiculousness" reruns. They even have built in ironing board. Perfect for ushanka.

I do not know how much this place costs, but I do not care. I tell front desk to charge Vinnie Lane. He is good guy, or at least I think so. Never met him, but I thank him for paying for my room blin.

I decided to stay in. Partially because I need to prepare for upcoming wrestling match, and partially because I can not go four steps without vomiting. I make coffee, order room service, is not so bad.

I take time to watch what people are saying about the debut of the Slav Superstar. I must say, Boris is very confused. My opponents, they seem to have me confused with someone else. Perhaps there is 'nother Boris out there?

Bah, don't be silly, I am only Boris! My opponents, they just debils. They know nothing.

I start with fake actor Brain O'Haire. He goes on TV and spent so little time talking about Boris! I feel insulted blin! How can someone forget about the Slav King? I spent all this time researching him, and he knows nothing about me? Cyka blyat!

Brain seems to only know two things about Boris - that I like vodka, and that I am Slav. These things, they are true, but that is not all Boris has to offer. For example, did you know I am a gentle and delicate lover?

Ah ha, that is not true, blin! I pound that mačička to hardbass! But you would not know that if I did not tell you.

And what was with him adding "ski" to his words. I do not do that blin! I am not Russian! Do I look like I fight bear? This is the problem with you Western spies! You are racists! You think all Slavs are Russian! You are same people who think Cubans are Mexicans. Those are different countries blyat!

Also, I do not wish to see Brain's penis. Nor do I want to see Gilmour's. Why do American men, presumably hetrosexuals, wish to constantly show their, uh...below the belt? I never had the desire to show Little Boris to other men.

Maybe the reason Brain is not in movies is because he prepares for roles like he prepares for matches. Complete pizdek. To think I was worried about showing him my moves. I doubt he would remember them blin!

And then there is Peter Gilmour, the worst of the worst. Cyka blyat, this guy I do not like at all. Not because he is annoying - though he is - but because he thinks he is American hero. He compare this fight to Rocky 4. The point of that movie was that Rocky was the good guy. Even the Russians loved him blin. No one likes this debil. Boris will receive more cheers than Gilmour. That is because Boris is not terrible, annoying man. Boris says a lot of things about America, but I respect many of the people there. I know they would never cheer a debil like Peter Gilmour.

And what is this pizdek - "ME BORIS, ME BEAT PUNY AMERICANS UP!"? I do not sound like that! No one sounds like that! At least Brain confused me with a Russian - Gilmour confused me with a cyka'n caveman!

Brain and Peter are both in for a surprise. Boris is no push over. I may be new to wrestling, but I have Slav strength. Brain covers himself in baby oil and sits in hot tub. He would die in Slav winter. And Peter Gilmour would be stabbed by the first Gopnik he saw. You think your streets are tough? Try insulting a Gopnik's Adidas! Neither of you make it out of Bratislava alive!

Aye, I am looking forward to taking down these Western spies. This is an exciting time for me comrades! I will bring a victory to my Slavs around the world. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy Miami. This place I am staying has a bar in the lobby. You know what that means, comrades.

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