[The shot opens on, uhhh, this seedy as fuck looking website actually. It kind of looks like a blog, but somehow even more cut rate and basic bitch. You see an article that Corey appears to have authored.]

Hey everybody, Corey Smith here! Boy, coming down from a manic episode sure is rough. Sometimes you find out after the fact that you did a whole bunch of really crazy things. No different this time! Well, it's not quite as bad as that time I swallowed 'ludes till the hospital made me puke them all up. Or that time I bought 5 cases of Naruto headbands on Amazon (I went through one hell of a weeaboo phase).

No, no....but I still managed to make a questionable purchase. Enter this website!

www.clickbait.notrussia

I know what you're thinking. “Not Russia”? But don't worry. I'm sure it's legit. But just in case it's not, I proactively accept zero blame for getting Donald Trump reelected.



Ah shit, sorry. Tons of pop-ups. Gotta work on that. You might want to run a virus scan or something, just to be on the safe side, ya know?

Well, in the spirit of clickbaity bullshit, I decided to do a Top 10 for my first ever article on here. So, without further adieu.....

TOP 10 BEST SHARKS OF ALL TIME

10. THIS SHARK THAT GETS OWNED BY A CHAINSAW IN SHARKNADO 3



Holy shit, I never realized how much I wanted to see this movie until RIGHT NOW! Goddamn, that's badass. But shark still gets owned pretty hard so I can't rate him any higher than 10. Sorry!

9. JABBERJAW


So apparently Jabberjaw is from a 1970's Hanna Barbera cartoon in which he was the drummer for a rock group with 4 teenagers in an underwater civilization in 2076, and the band went around solving mysteries and stopping super villains. It sounds like Scooby Doo but for people whose diet consists of like 80% peyote. Kinda cool now that I think about it.

8. Dinoshark



How'd you guess I was gonna pad this thing out with like the entire sci-fi channel summer movie line-up? But Dinoshark presents something of a conundrum. He is not wholly a shark, right? So does he truly belong on this list? Does it's placement somehow impugn the credibility of this article, and to a greater extent, the credibility of this spyware laden Geocities-esque site I bought from a covert KGB operative for like 5 bucks?



WHHOOOOAAAAA! Who the fuck cares, that's AWESOME!

7. LEFT SHARK



Oh, Left Shark! It's not every day you manage to upstage a multi-platinum pop music sensation and capture the hearts and minds of the entire country. But you did it, and you did it by personifying that most quintessential of American virtues: marching to the beat of your own drummer, even if it makes you look like a total spaz. God speed Left Shark. God speed.

6. STREET SHARKS



Speaking of American virtues, what's more American than lifting the premise behind an existing ultra-successful pop culture phenomenon, slapping a thin veneer of mid to late 90's corporate “TOTALLY EXTREME” branding on it,and calling it a day? Nothing I say. Nothing. Nonetheless Street Sharks take spot number 6 because at least they had the common decency to wear pants.

UGH! Jesus, sorry, but it looks like you're going to have to watch this shamelessly pandering ad before you can progress to the next page. Just fire up PornHub in incognito and punch one out while you're waiting.



5. The Shark That Eats Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea



Ohhhhhh man...this fucker! I mean sure, he's a paean to late 90's CGI and Deep Blue Sea was one of those movies that tap danced over the line of “so bad it's good?” levels of camp, but has anyone or anything owned Samuel L. Jackson as bad as that shark did? Okay, well maybe Jamie Foxx in Django Unchained, but it certainly wasn't this FUNNY! Good on you, shark!



Whoa...whoa....wait, what's this? Where did all these pop-ups come from? Oh shit...MORE OF THEM?!



ABANDON SHIP! ABANDON SHIP! This fuckin' site has just hit the iceberg and it's taking on water! Quick, follow me to Youtube!

[Naturally, you dutifully do what Corey asks despite your computer no doubt being a virus-filled shell of what it once was. Your loyalty will be greatly rewarded in Valhalla.]

[Corey Smith appears on screen from the safe confines of the Youtube video he just linked you to.]


Hey guys, I'm back! First of all do not question the logic or reason behind me linking you real time to Youtube as the site Hindenburged, that way lies only madness and gross storytelling inconsistencies that I'm just not prepared to deal with right now. Instead, allow me to treat you to some classic Corey Smith style verbal castration! Buuut, just in case you were wondering, the rest of that list was rounded out by Baby Shark, and the sharks from Jaws 1 through 3. But fuck Jaws: The Revenge, that thing was a steaming pile of used menstrual pads left out in the sun. And it sure as fuck wasn't rounded out by El Tiburon! Which was....kind of the point of the entire exercise, you know?

I also wish to apologize in advance if I get a little too wordy or verbose. Apparently the way I cut promos is difficult to parse for certain members of the shallow end of the Atlantic, so I'll try to keep it in check and talk a clip or two slower. Is that fair?

So turns out that El Tiburon dropped a late night dook from on high, and boy it hit the bowl with a mighty crash, splashing C.Diff laden water all over the bathroom floor. Although I am sincerely sorry for the racist attitudes you encountered in one of our American Southern states. The rest of us have been trying to break up with them, but unfortunately they're too stupid to get that the whole “It's not you, it's me” speech we've been giving them for the last 100 years is code for “please fuck off and die you Bible thumping sister rutters”. This, of course, does not include our remarkably sophisticated XWF fans.


[Corey flashes all the paid ticket holders a winning smile.]

Now it appears as though we can list El Tiburon as one of those people who is still very very confused by my gender despite the last five months of Lux and I explaining the sitch. I'm gonna apologize on behalf of humanity for the rising ocean temperatures and decimation of the coral reefs rendering aquatic life like you unable to perform basic mental functions. It's a terrible burden we've placed on all of our watery friends and I can't imagine what it must be like to go through your short lives being so stupid you require 6+ months of straight fucking repetition before you can grasp a concept. And here I thought that whole “gold fish have a memory of about a minute” thing was myth. Turns out sea life is mad , but it might be mankind's fault so “our bad”.

It's also pretty cool how you accused Luz and I of being “dime a dozen” before you dumped your gimmick like a bad habit to code switch straight into trash talk that sounds a whole hell of a lot like a certain unfrozen cave man's manager. Seriously my man, it's fucking uncanny. The remarkably detailed crude descriptors. That textbook irreverence. It's almost like you two KNOW each other. Was he out on the boat one day and saved you from being strangled to death by those six pack can rings? Come on people, you're supposed to cut those things before you toss them! But yeah, did he take mercy on you and teach you the way of the “land walkers”? I mean, if so, by all means tell THAT story. It has to be better than the oh-so-innovative “encountering angry drunks at a bar” narrative set up you treated us to in your first go-round. Because apparently the opening scene of every shitty Chuck Norris movie ever is what counts as an “interesting narrative to keep viewers enthralled” under the sea.

Maybe you haven't been paying attention, but “an interesting narrative” is the sum total of Lux and I's entire existence. And that's putting it mildly. So don't think I haven't caught on to your horseshit hypocritical mewling about how we're simultaneously too confusing to pin down and yet somehow a trite font of interchangeable gibberish. Oh damn, that was a lot of syllables. Guess I lied.

You wanna know what REALLY sucks? What REALLY sucks is, after months of facing scrubs we finally get somebody who could be a breath of fresh air stepping up to challenge us. Something fun and new and unique. Only for that expectation to wither and die on the vine when you cut your first promo and lay bare the fact that you're just the same kind of trash talk promo we've heard come out of other people's orifices but OH OH I WEAR A FUNNY COSTUME AND HAVE A BARELY THERE TEX-MEX NAUTICAL GIMMICK! And you see, that's what really burns me up about people who make fun of Lux and I because of our life circumstances. Because usually the people making fun of us are about as interesting and unique as dollar store brand paste. As hard as you try to make us out to be something trite and uninteresting, the fact is that the XWF has NEVER had anything quite like us. Unfortunately for you, it's had PLENTY of tossers with paper thin identities who cut serviceable promos that rely a bit too heavily on gross-out humor. But feel free to lean in on how unrealistic we are now that you have nowhere else to go but down. Lots of other people have. You might as well start plagiarizing from other people too while you writhe around in your own strings of waste.

In other words, you're really not that special. And certainly not special enough to warrant a TV Title run. But for the benefit of the developmentally disabled Aqua Man cosplayer who has seen fit to take a moment out of his busy day of devouring his own young and getting caught in discarded fishing line to show his ass on national television, let me summarize in a language you can understand.

I AM GUD. U SUCK. Y DO FISH EAT THERE OWN POOP?

Seriously though on that last one. Fish really are nature's mongoloids.

[Quite abruptly, the screen starts to fill up with pop-up ads and fake virus warnings.]



Oh gawd nooooooo, they found me! SAVE YOURSELVES!