We see the preceding logo appear and then begin to fade as the shot floats downward onto a game show set that looks strangely familiar. There's a host podium in front of a large board subdivided into numerous squares, with each vertical column pertaining to it's own category. Across the way, are three contestant podiums, alit with their names and current monetary winnings. I should stress that any similarities to any existing game show, alive or dead, are strictly coincidental.

Standing behind the host's podium is Corey, but he's wearing a stupid looking muscle suit and has a fake crew cut haircut affixed to his scalp. He's also wearing a suit and tie, but the sleeves have been torn off to reveal the muscle suit's rippling biceps. Hello, and welcome back to THE COLD BIG D TRUTH, the game show where the only correct answers are Big D's version of the truth. I'm your host Big D. Well, we're about halfway through today's gameplay and let's see where our contestants stand.

The camera swings over to the contestant's podium. The shot closes in on the first contestant.


First up we got Jeopardy super champ James Holzhauer who still hasn't figured out the Cold Big D Truth and is currently sucking ass. James, what happened bro?

James looks miserable. He's sweating, and his hair is unkempt. His body is quivering with repressed anger. I REFUSE TO BOW TO YOUR LIES! VERITAS FOREVER! He chants, looking like a crazy person.

Uhhhh, the word “truth” is right in the name of the show my dude, so I don't know what you're talkin' about. Next up is former Universal Champion The Engineer who seems to have caught on quick and is in a commanding lead!

BWAHAHAHA! MY MONEY HAS 69 IN IT TWICE!

Indeed it does, Engy. And our final contestant, sitting at a big fat goose egg is XWF Interviewer Steve Sayors. But that's ok Steve, we love you anyway. Can I get you another martini?

Steve takes a sip of the martini he already has, and sits back on the plush kingly chair behind his podium. Oh heck, no! I'm good! I'm just happy to be here and not have you trying to intimidate me. Why, for the first time in years I kinda don't want to kill myself!

That's good to hear Steve. Anything I can do to make you comfortable.

Engy stabs a finger at Steve. Why does that fucker get special treatment?!

Corey/Big D sighs. Because Engy, I've been really mean to Steve before for no good goddamn reason other than it was the only way I could think of to try to get myself over. I now realize what a tired, uninspired shtick that is and I'm trying to make it up to Steve.

Oh. Well, carry on then.

Good! Now, let's return to the board. And because James is in last place, he gets first choice. James?

James clutches his buzzer in his hand, and his face is a tightly pinched landscape of rage. Oh what good is it?! IT'S ALL GOING TO BE LIES! He turns to Engy and Steve. Don't you see? BIG D's TRUTH'S ARE....

PICK A CATEGORY BEFORE I EAT YOUR FACE, NERD!

Cowed, James turns his attention to the board. Fine. “Big D Biology” for $800.

Ok, here is your clue. “It's where piss is stored in the body.”

James looks disgusted even as he buzzes in. Well, the correct answer would be the bladder, but I know that's not the “Big D Truth” answer, so I'm going to say “in the elbow”.

A harsh buzzer sounds.

No! I'm sorry, that's incorrect!

Engy buzzes in. What is, “in the butt”?

An affirmative jingle sounds.

Corey/Big D looks at the camera nervously. That is correct! But please don't answer in the form of a question or I'm liable to get sued into eating radiator cooked Easy Mac again. Engy, you have control once more!

Sweet! Uhhhhhhh how about Bi-uhhhh, B-i-.... Engy squints as he tries to sound out the letters.

James scowls and looks at Engy with disdain. The category is Big D(ickings)!

Oh yeah! Big D(ickings) for the four with two zeroes after it!

Very good. The clue is “Is it gay to have sex with a pre-op transexual?”

James buzzes in quickly. Yes, I'm going to say yes.

The harsh buzzer sounds off again, and James looks angry. Engy buzzes in then. The answer is NO, Big D!

The affirmative jingle is heard, and Engy fist pumps the air.

What?!

That's correct! It is not gay to have sex with a pre-op transexual.

But they still have a penis!

IT'S NOT GAY! Corey/Big D shouts, starting to look upset.

YEAH, DIPSHIT! Nothin' gay about it, not that there's anything wrong with that! Engy retorts.

You two seem really invested in this question for some reason!

Engy looks like he's fixing to pop. You don't know what a man's cap-a-bull of 'till he's down and out. Twenty dollars is twenty dollars! Now shut the fuck up before I unscrew your head and shit down your neck stump!

Uh...excuse me? Steve raises his empty martini glass in the air. I think I'll take another one now.

Corey/Big D instantly pacifies. Oh, of course Steve! Jeanette, please top Steve off.

A bikini girl saunters up to Steve and pours him a fresh martini. Steve blushes a bit and offers her an awkward thank you before returning to his seat.

Alright, let's get it back on track. Engy, it's your call.

Alright, give me the next category over for like a lotta dollars.

The next category is “Big D Promos”, Engy. The clue appears on screen and Big D helpfully reads along. "In his April 30th 2019 promo, in what way did Big D TOTALLY NOT completely fucking embarrass himself?"

Engy rings in. Oh, I know this one! Big D totally didn't embarrass himself by getting so shook by Corey's promo that he wore bra and panties.

DING! DING! Winner, winner chicken dinner!

James looks like he's trying to stifle a laugh. Whoa, hold on. Big D, you wore bra and panties?

No! I wore a bra and a thong, but we'll give it to Engy anyway because he was close enough. And if you must know, I decided to do that to lob a cheap transgender joke at Lux.

Couldn't you have just, ya know, done a transgender joke without wearing women's underwear?

Corey/Big D stares intensely at James for a moment, breaking into a cold sweat because now the whole fucking world knows this big swollen idiot will leap at even the barest thread of an excuse to enshroud his nips in lace and bust out a pair of Juicy Couture bottoms.

Engy shoots Big D an awkward glance. This dork has kind of a good point, Big D.

Big D wipes his brow and laughs nervously as his secret shame is laid bare; that by God sometimes a man just wants to feel pretty and enjoy the gentle tickle of flossy fabric drifting into his nether regions, I mean is THAT SUCH A FUCKING CRIME?!

By now, Steve Sayors is totally wasted and he stumbles drunkenly over to Corey/Big D. With a crooked smile, he leans in towards the big man. Damn Big D, you gay as hell!

Corey/Big D punches Steve in the face as the show abruptly cuts to....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A LITTLE LATER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We cut to a different room, where Lux (who has now resumed control) is seen standing holding a clip board in front of a round table of average focus group participants who just got done watching the show.

Alright everyone, so what did you think of the show? Be honest!

The focus group folks all shoot each other pained looks, before one man finally steps into the gap. So this guy actually wore women's underwear to prove a point?

Yeah, but we're here to focus on the show so....

Okay, okay....but he wore women's underwear because he thought that would give him an advantage over you?

Lux looks a little frustrated. Look, we're not here to make fun of the mentally disadvantaged, we're here to talk about Big D's show. So can we please move on? What did you guys think?

A woman interjects with her thoughts. I think the name of the show “Cold Big D Truth” sounds like the kind of slogan an autistic would come up with because they thought it sounded tough and cool, but anyone whose brain isn't broken would just think it's really corny.

Hmmm....interesting observation. Anyone else?

Another viewer puts his hand up to speak. Lux points to him. I think I'd rather inject myself in the brain with cancer, and then inject my ass with cancer, and pray to God that both cancer's eventually meet up in the middle and kill me before I ever have to watch anything having to do with Big D again.

Lux is taken aback by how succinctly this man just described her own feelings about Big D. That was...huh. So does everyone else pretty much feel the same way?

Every group participant nods in unison. Lux tosses the clip board over her shoulder. Well alrighty then, you're free to go! They all file out of the room in a hurry, leaving Lux alone with the camera.

Oh, Big D.....

I actually feel kind of bad abut this. It's like when you hit a deer with your truck and it's just pawing uselessly at the pavement, it's body broken beyond repair so you mercy kill it with a quick shot to the head. It's kind of like that, except the deer decided to wear a thong for some reason.

D, you are going to enter the annals of XWF history as the only man who is better at dunking on himself than Peter Gilmour. And while yeah, you led real strong with that opening example of self-humiliation, the hits just kept right on coming after that now didn't they? From that patron saint of chintzy promo ideas “the jobber beat down” to your ongoing assertions that I'm the one who's full of shit after I scalded you so hard on your own bullshit you basically tossed your hands in the air and let me have it.

You know how I know I've got you shaken up Big D? Your long winded explanations defending yourself in the minutest of detail. Because not only is that ratings poison, but nothing says “I'm on my back and getting my throat torn out” quite like a senses deadening play by play of your exact thought processes as you got pinned by Kid Kool in the 24/7 hallways. And you wonder why nobody wants you for Superstar of the Month? D, you're about as inspiring and captivating as watching paint dry on growing grass.

Oh but hold up, I need to watch my back because THIS GUY TRAINS! Somebody better alert the rest of the locker room that this guy has found the holy grail of winning championships and it is doing SICK CRUNCHES and jamming out to early 2000's bland-rock while you strategically try to highlight your dick bulge to all the ambivalent women at the gym.

And you know what's even more inspiring than that? Bitching like some rules lawyering Dungeons and Dragons player about how you got screwed by me because the leadership team ignored the “two titles rule”. Scintillating television, that. “Oh I'm sorry but page 134, sidebar C of the Dungeon Manual clearly states you can't pursue one of our jobber titles while also holding a real title. It's all listed right there underneath the section you can't read anymore because it's drenched in my OH MY GOD I'M LOSING flop sweat.” And then, on top of that, you threatened LEGAL ACTION if you didn't earn a Hart championship shot after beating me and winning three more matches?! D, people have gotten legit murdered in this company and nobody bats an eye. Jesus, Graves just carted off poor Dolly Waters and it's barely garnered a peep from anyone. And you think that your vanilla ass not getting a title shot is what's going to bring the XWF ambulance chasers slavering to your door? The GM team has to field about 3.7 sexual assault allegations in the five minutes it takes Tommy Wish to walk through the parking lot and you think they're going to sweat you?! Please. You'll get no argument from me that this place is an ethical cesspool, but it certainly has a side effect of making you the least of the company's concerns.

Look....you're gonna lose. Okay? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm so glad you actually care about my title. But it's just not gonna be you. It's not. We're two promo's in and I'm already running mental circles around you and getting you to immolate your own credibility without even trying. You literally proferred up your own dignity like an Aztec sacrifice and walked away thinking it was a slam dunk on me. I just.....Jesus......

In fact, I think your complete and utter dereliction of common sense is so severe, your War Games team...nay, the ENTIRE XWF UNIVERSE needs to know about it. So, to that end, I did something I never wanted to do. Lux takes a deep breath. I signed up for Twitter. Yes, I feel dirty just saying that, but I'm willing to take the hit to warn your team about the hellstorm of incompetence that they're about to walk into.

The world needs to know that Big D leapt at the chance to wear women's underwear like a fat kid on a pile of candy, and honest to God thought he was landing a sick burn on me. This is “red alert, call CNN, and batten the hatches” levels of mouth breathing imbecility and I hope you are ashamed of yourself for subjecting us to it. May your deity of choice have mercy on your immortal HGH infused soul, may your loved ones one day muster the nerve to again look you in the eye, and may you gain the requisite insight to shut up before you slip in shit again.

GOD!

And with that final exclamation, she walks off camera, leaving the image of her official first EVER Twitter post on camera. Yes, she really for real did this.

My first ever tweet is a public service announcement that Big D enjoys wearing bra and panties. Thank you. @GilmourINC @the_rain_storm @WarBearded @CircleTV @XWF99_dot_com #BestWarGamesTeam

— LuxXWF (@LuxXwf) May 2, 2019

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Madison Dyson is seen laying face down on a table getting a massage. A towel is draped over her nakedness, and her face is peeking through the little hole at the end of the table. A young good looking shirtless guy is working over her shoulders, while a similarly shirtless and buff boy holds her phone up to her face.

Oh my God Erato it has been AGES! Too long! How's it going?

There's a response on the other end of the line we can't quite make out.

Sounds hot. Hey, so listen, I'm putting together a kill team to take out some stupid hermaphrodite named Lux and I was wondering if you and Thalia wanted in.

There's another response, followed by a wet sounding smack and the distinctive sound of a pleasured moan.

I had you at “hermaphrodite”?! Oh that's excellent news, I'm sure you girls will have ever so much fun crucifying this little shit for me.

There's another loud smack, followed by an even louder sexy moan.

Although perhaps not as much fun as you're having right now, haha! Alright babycakes, I'll have a peon call you with the details later. Stay thirsty. Madison nods at the hunk holding her phone and he hangs up the call.

I love it when a plan comes together. Oh, Skyler darling, could you play my “relax time” music?

The masseuse immediately goes to a nearby laptop attached to some high end speakers and clicks play on play list of Nazi nationalistic music from Triumph of the Will. Madison sighs contentedly and settles in for some shut eye as Skyler resumes his duties.