Quote:Want to know what preceded Sar's epic failure during her driver's test? Want to see my little sociopath through the eyes of Kenzi? Look no further than this section of promo written by my partner for UGWC! Enjoy!

DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES
Hollywood, California


Today was the day my wife had been looking forward to and loathing all at the same time. She’d finally be getting her driver’s license, that ultimate symbol of freedom and independence that so many teenagers craved. My baby was no longer a teen, but the pampered existence she’d led as the Princess of Lacklanland meant that driving was hardly something she needed to concern herself with. Whenever she needed to go somewhere, a driver and car was always within earshot. Sarah had even told me of times she had actually just ridden the servants like horses, beating them with riding crops.

I thought she was joking…but she actually had pictures!

Now that she was far from her ancestral home and the comfort of having servants to drive her wherever she wished…or ride them like herd animals, this would be a big and exciting change! All she needed to do was pass the driving test and then a whole new world would be opened up to her!

Sarah was usually picture perfect, long platinum locks done up in a tight high bun, adorned with jewels, and her red eyes framed in black painted wings contrasting against her alabaster skin. She was picture perfect, but she was as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs as she sat next to me. Next to her, Ashley Allen sat, cross-legged in her pinstriped pantsuit, still giving me the stink eye. I ignored her and gave my wife my full attention. This was the moment of truth, but I could tell by the death grip she had on my hand that she was on the verge of running out of there and not even taking the test.

I covered her hand with my free one and gave it a reassuring pat. Even though I had things of my own to be concerned with, namely my Chill re-match with Hide, I did my best to keep the focus on her and what she needed to do. We could worry about Mr. Death Wish and Mr. Bonecrusher after she had her license in hand. I needed to do my best to calm her down before she found herself in the car with the person giving the test. If she freaked out then, I would be in no position to help her.

“Baby, you need to calm down! You’ve got this! You’ve been preparing for this for weeks with Roxy…just settle down. You’ll be fine!”

Sarah's hard stare cut into me.

"Fine? FINE?! Because of that stunt you pulled with Ashley, I was forced to do everything myself to get ready for this! Do you think that was easy for me Beloved? DO YOU?! Because Ashley was in no condition to help, I was forced to read the driver's manual...TO MYSELF!! WHO DOES THAT?!"

I could see a smirk tracing it’s way across Ashley’s pursed lips as Sarah recounted the trials and tribulations that led us to this point. I actually wanted to reach over and snatch a bald spot out of that that bitch’s head, she wasn’t hurt that badly…you could barely see the cuts and bruises from the beating Hide had laid on her. No one liked a fucking crybaby! Hide beating her into oblivion was not only the funniest thing that I had seen in a long time, but one of the most satisfying things I had experienced since she arrived to 'help' my wife. The bottom line was that Sarah didn't need anyone 'helping' her, especially some loud mouth, big titted, drunk!

"Look, you don't need anyone to do anything for you! Not Ashley or anyone else! You can do this...you just have to go out there and do what you've been training for all this time with Roxy."

Sarah looked at me, her eyes growing wide behind the thick lenses of her glasses, giving her a comical appearance. I could see a thin sheet of sweat beginning to form on her forehead as her chest heaved.

“NO! You don’t understand Beloved, driving with Roxanne was one thing, but this? THIS is another thing entirely!”

Her hands quaked as she shook her head frantically back and forth, threatening to shake loose her elaborately twisted bun.

“What if the person grading me is an ogre?! Some sort of Princess hating road Nazi on a mission to see me fail?!”

Admittedly, I found her fears to be overblown. Not that Sarah was a drama queen, but she was certainly an overly dramatic princess…at the very least. I took her by her shoulders, looking deep into her eyes.

“You’ve got this Baby! You are going to go in there and make that test your BITCH! You have trained for this harder than I’ve seen you train for anything since your return to the ring! I know you’re not going to let a little thing like some driving test stop you from getting your license, are you?”

I lowered my voice as I got close to her, allowing my eyelids to slip down while I gave my lower lip a bite in that sexy way that I knew she liked.

“I’m really looking forward to making out with you in the backseat of your car after you get that license.”

“…Ummm…yeah?”

“…oh yeah…”

“…gross…”

I ignored Ashley, choosing to focus on Sarah. I heard her gulp as she looked back at me, eyes filled with the possibilities to come. She took a deep breath to steady herself as determination took hold. She threw back her shoulders, looking at me with a newfound air of confidence.

“Beloved…how is my makeup? I want to look my best for my very first driver’s license picture! I saw Roxanne’s and she looked like a painted up whore, mines needs to be better!”

“You look great Baby.”

I answered, giving her a peck on the cheek, but Ashley was right there in that irritating way she always was as of late.

“Sar, you look fine…but like you said, you need to be picture perfect. A touch up wouldn’t hurt. I can spruce it up right here, I just need a…”

Ashley opened up her purse to find her make-up, but reached across and grabbed her arm. This was getting out of hand in my opinion.

“ENOUGH! You look fine!”

“NO! That’s not good enough! I need to look my best…nothing short of perfect!”

Sarah pushed my arm out of the way and handed the number she had been given nearly an hour ago to Ashley, then turned to me with a devilish grin.

“I’m going to go freshen up! I’m going to be the hottest looking new driver on the road today Beloved! Then we’ll see all about that little make out session of yours, yes?”

“…ack…”

She was gone an instant later and I was left there with Ashley, wondering when this day was finally going to end. I pulled out my phone and took to amusing myself…

“HEY! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!”

I ignored Ashley’s yelling and screaming as I settled in for a long day at the DMV. At least I would have a hot date to look forward to when it was finally over…

---

A REALLY LONG TIME LATER
Way longer than anyone should be in a restroom…


I had no idea what Sarah was doing in the bathroom, but she was gone so long that I actually considered getting up to go check on her when I heard her number called…

“Now serving G489 at window 14!”

Ashley popped up and trotted to the kiosk, but apparently the clerk wasn’t buying whatever Ashley was selling as she glanced back at me with a panicked expression on her face. She waved frantically for me to come up there. I started to ignore her, but the thought of enduring even more nagging to be ‘nicer’ to Ashley from Sarah prompted me to leave my nice comfy seat.

“…damn it…”

As I walked up, Ashley handed me the number.

“Can you hold Sarah’s place while I go get her! They won’t hold her place in line!”

Before I could protest, Ashley was running off towards the restroom and I was still cursing under my breath as I looked back over my shoulder at the sea of humanity that was still waiting to be called.

“Are you Mrs. Lacklan?”

I turned back to the woman sitting behind the desk, answering her question as I deposited the number in front of her.

“Yes, I’m Mrs. Lacklan, but I’m not the…”

The clickity clack of long press-on nails hammering against the keys of a computer filled the tiny space over which this ogre bore dominion. She snatched up the number from the counter, without even looking up, tossing it into the bin with the rest of the numbers from the previous customers she had no doubt also ignored.

“How can we help you?”

Obviously she hadn’t heard a word I’d said.

“Yes, my wife needs to take her road test today, but she’s in the bathroom and I…”

The clickity clacking continued as the woman gave a disinterested sigh without even glancing in my direction.

“Numbers are reserved for customers! If you aren’t here for service, you’re going to have to have your wife get a number and wait her turn, we…”

The woman paused as she looked up at me and her eyes widened with recognition.

“OH MY GOD! YOU’RE KENZI GREY!”

The woman behind the counter, a girl who probably at one time had been young and vibrant before the rigors of working at the DMV had left her a shell of her former self, stared at me from the confines of her cubicle.

I was actually filled with relief, knowing that whatever fame I could attribute to myself would actually come in handy in this situation. I put on my most dazzling smile in the hopes of currying a bit more favor with the woman.

“Yes! Like I was saying, my wife is…”

“Beautiful! Yes…I know!”

She looked around, then leaned in close, her voice taking on a whispered and conspiratorial tone as she imparted a bit of secret knowledge to me.

“…the Blood Princess Bride is my favorite movie…”

I was genuinely taken aback by this, I had never EVER heard anyone say that before. ‘The Blood Princess Bride’ was the first movie I actually produced and it starred my wife. It was a passion project at best, and a terrible film venture that we produced for the sole purpose of annoying people we disliked. For a moment, I even considered the thought that she was pulling my leg, but the crazed look in her eyes told me that she had seen the film…a lot.

“Errr…thanks? Look, I am trying to…”

The woman grinned, going back to typing away on her computer as if I hadn’t said a word. I tried to get her attention, but here fingers were flying across the keys at a million miles an hour as she babbled to herself.

“Are you guys ever going to do new episodes of that Hexx show? I really really like that show! Especially when you had Angie Vaughn on there! Are you guys bringing her back for the next season?”

All I could do was attempt to get a word in edgewise as the woman continued to ramble on.

“Yeah…she’ll probably be there if we do another season. Look! I just need to hold my wif…

“That’s awesome! Hey! Did you know your license was suspended?”

She turned her computer screen towards me where she had pulled up a CTN report from a 2016 accident I’d had with a bus I had lawfully purchased, but driven with without a license. The good thing was that I hadn’t driven it very far at all…maybe just a mile or two before that parked car got in my way…

@Sidrulezthworld was questioned for several hours and later released after a vehicle accident earlier this morning. pic.twitter.com/biPWyesXZ3

— 🌏Circle TV Network (@CircleTV) June 7, 2016

I flushed with embarrassment from the incident that had cost me my license, or actually ensured that I wouldn’t have one until…

“2020! Wow! They got you good, didn’t they?”

“Yeah. But, look…I’m just here to get my…”

“Eye test and then we can get you a new picture for your license renewal!”

“…wut…”

The woman leaned in close again, that same hushed tone as before as she waved me in close.

“…yeah, just a few key strokes and 2020 becomes 2019. Easy, peasy, lemon, squeezy…”

All I could do was blink as she winked at me and pointed towards the LED chart on the wall behind her.

“Please read the words on the first and second line for me.”

HIDE IS A
DOUCHE

“…wut…”

“GREAT JOB!”

She laughed as she waived for me to come close again.

“…I know you’re going to totally kick that guy’s ass again on Chill! Who does he think he is? Didn’t he see how you won the Trios all by yourself? That was so badass…cheese…”

“Cheese?”

The ensuing flash nearly blinded me as she took my picture. I stumbled back, rubbing my eyes.

“That’s gonna be a great picture there! I think you’re really going to like that one…very natural.”

“I didn’t come here to renew my…”

“You think you can get me tickets to Chill on Monday?”

All I could do was stare as she continued working away. I knew that anything else I said would just be talked over. I shrugged my shoulders, totally defeated.

“Yeah…I can do that. I just need to get my wif…”

“Here you go! All done!”

She slapped down my new driver’s license, sliding it over to me. I picked it up and stared at it, scratching my head as I wondered how any of this had just happened.

“I have your number in the system, I’ll just call you for those tickets, okay?”

“Yeah, but I…”

“I’m here! I’m here now!”

I turned as Sarah ran up with Ashley in tow. She actually didn’t seem to look much different than when she left. I couldn’t help the frown on my face as I wondered what had taken so long. All I could do was throw my hands up and shake my head. Sarah just spun around in response.

“Amazing, right? I’m going to kill that photo right after my driving test Beloved!”

I rolled my eyes as I turned back to the booth…

CLOSED FOR LUNCH

“Excuse me? EXCUSE ME!!”

The woman was gone, her computer was off, and only the light from the LED sign illuminated her now vacant cubicle. I looked around, but the woman was gone, in fact, many of the other cubicles were sudden going dark as the lunch hour approached.

“What happened? Ax said you were holding my place.”

“I was…but…I don’t know where she went. She was right here!”

“We have literally been here all morning! This is unacceptable!! TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!! WHO MUST WE FLOG TO CORRECT THIS?!”

I grabbed my wife by her shoulders, giving her a good firm shake. Causing a scene wasn’t going to help our cause.

“It’s fine…we will get another number and wait for them to reopen. Maybe we can get in sooner.”

Sarah’s face scrunched up into a severe frown and I could feel the disappointment radiating off her like a furnace.

“But...what about our make out session?”

“...gross...”

I ignored Ashley and held up my newly renewed and probably illegal driver’s license and Sarah’s frown slowly evaporated. It might not have been what she’d come for, but I’d do my very best to make it up to her.

As for that bitch Ashley? Maybe I’d need to check her schedule for Monday. Then we could see how gross she thought we were compared to Hide and Johnny.