To many, the world is a splendid place full of beauty and wonder. Okay, to a few. To most, it can be a daunting, horrific experience looking to short change you every turn of the pass.


We open to see Jackie Peppers standing outside, the sun beaming down on his glum, weary face. He is holding a piledriver, as in the tool, not the wrestling maneuver. He is flanked by Black Angus, his surly Scottish manager, and Robbie Bourbon Bob Whiskey, the lovable that he is, both of whom are holding hoes, as in the tool, not the person who gets paid for sexy times.

Uh, A-Angus, what are we d-doing out here?

Gittin sum sunsheen laddie, ye gut quite de task cummin up, lerd knews whut keend uff loonaticks wul shew up.

I know it's sunny, but why are we holding these tools?

Yill see, lad, yill see.

Well, what should I do to prepare for the big battle royale?

Bob and Angus glance at each other and shrug. Angus pulls a gallon bottle of rail whiskey from under his kilt, removes the cap, and takes a swig. After wiping his mouth, he looks at Jackie.

Survive, lad, survive. Tik na prisnars, slide oot the buttom roop if ye need ta, dunna worry about gettin' all de eliminations, jus' get the las' wun, ya kin?

I, uh, I guess I get it, but is there anything more specific you could tell me?

Well, the secret I found...

A squirrel runs past. As it does, Bob loses his train of thought and takes off after it, swinging his hoe madly.

GET BACK HERE YOU PRICK!

Angus laughs and pulls the bottle of whiskey out of his taint or wherever.

Angus, I think that guy has problems...

As Jackie utters this, Bob comes charging back into view, running in the opposite direction with a look of terror on his face.

LEAVE ME ALONE, THIS ISN'T FAIR!

Bob, still flailing his hoe around, is now being run down by 40 squirrels, holding a machete and, in a rather biblical turn of events, the jawbone of an ass. Samson eat your heart out.

Angus, I need a new sparring partner, that guy is a little wiggy.

Aye, but un of de best aroun'.

Bob runs back into view directly behind Angus and Jackie and is overcome by the 40 squirrels, all of whom tackle the corpulent Bob to the ground as Bob writhes, probably in both agony and ecstasy.

No, Angus, I need someone who doesn't get beat up by 40 squirrels every so often.

Welp, de groop we ur meetin' tadee might help widdat.

The camera turns and shows a school bus pull up. The doors open, and a group of adults begin to exit. Some are carrying bags, some are carrying more landscaping tools, some are carrying coolers.

And that's when an angel steps off the bus.

Long flowing hair, big bright eyes, and as per the norm, a massive set of boobs. Major league yabbos. The woman is distinctly racktacular. Jackie's jaw drops as he watches her get off, as in depart, not have an orgasm. Angus snickers.

Lewks like quite de sparring partner dere, lad!

She's amazing! I, uh, I have to, um...

Play it cewl, lad, be easy. Lit her cum to ye.

Who are these people, anyways?

A man approaches, obviously in charge as evidenced by the fact he's not carrying a damn thing (management has its perks). He is wearing a name tag that reads Chet.

Hi, I'm Chet, are you Angus?

Chet sticks his hand out to shake, however with his digits creating a horizontal plane, not vertical. Angus sticks his hand out to shake like a regular person and Chet makes a queer face, queer as in befuddled, not as in homosexual.

That's not how we do things.

Chet reaches out and twists Angus's hand to accept his. Angus makes a queer face, though with Angus it may be slightly homosexual.

Angus, Mr. Peppers, we of the Flat Earth Society appreciate you lending your brand of celebrity to our cause today.

Woah, Flat Earth Society?

I know, you must be very excited to be associated with us, debunking the falsehoods of the rounded earth theory. Our ancestors knew secrets we don't, Mr. Peppers, and the Illuminati, Facebook, Social Justice Warriors, Christian Conservatives, and their ilk all try to propagate the silly idea that the world is not flat.

Um...

All will be explained at our barbecue here today.

Jackie turns and glances at the beauty he was agog with earlier, and she is staring at him. Both look away, the girl with a coy smile, Jackie looking like he's on the verge of a heart attack.

Mr. Angus, I am glad you brought some tools to help us with the ceremonies. Please excuse me, I have other things to prepare.

As Chet turns and walks away, Angus pulls his whiskey out and hits it. He offers it to Jackie.

I, uh, that girl...

Dat gurl is a flat earth believer, Jackie me bye. Ye kin seal de deal wit little effort widdat one.

I, ooooh, I don't know Angus.

Angus rolls his eyes and puts his whiskey away.

Lewk, lad, dat sweet fine lass believes in fairy tales and rubbish, jus' tell her yew dun like the round earth society, bounce yer dick off a' dem knockers, give'r a pearl necklace.

B-But, what if I really like her...

Pssht.

Angus yanks his whiskey bottle out from under his kilt. As he does, two bowling balls and a hockey stick fall to the ground, followed by the report of a huge fart. The fart causes Angus's eyes to cross. Jackie recoils.

Lewk, lad, dat girl ain't de un. D'ye believe de earth is flat?

What? N-no! Only an idiot thinks the world is flat, what is this, the dark ages?

Zactly, lad, zactly. Dunnah be fallin' fer sum lil' piece of tumble and spurt in a short skirt dat idn't right in de head.

You aren't right in the head.

Haw!

Angus takes a slug of his whiskey and slaps Jackie on the back.

Yer learnin'! Good on ye!

Chet and the rest of the flat earthers, having set up a picnic area behind Bob Whiskey, still wrestling with 40 squirrels, approach Angus and Jackie.

Gentlemen, we're ready to get started. Hamburgers should be ready in about thirty minutes.

Do you have any hot dogs?

Chet scowls at Bob.

We don't have "hot dogs", sir. They simply aren't flat.

Chet, who literally used air quotes when saying hot dogs, as though they were hypothetical, forces a pompous laugh, along with a few other flat earthers. The beauty bites her lower lip as she and Jackie make eye contact again. Angus notices and elbows Jackie in the ribs.

Yer in de money, lad, now get in de panties.

Shh!

Jackie's eyes bulge from their sockets, and the beautiful lady giggles. As she does, Chet and his crew start to pile globes.

Uh, Chet, what are you doing with those?

These are lies, Mr. Peppers. Falsehoods spread by the liberal, conservative, and moderate media. We intend to destroy these pieces of propaganda thoroughly.

A random flat earther starts the massive bonfire of globes, the sight of the world burning, or a bunch of the worlds burning, leaving Jackie making a queer face, queer as in perplexed, not as in befuddled nor homosexual.

Alright, let's get started!

The flat earthers all grab landscaping implements and take to the fields around them, finding mounds, ditches, holes, or stumps and setting to the task of flattening their surroundings. Jackie carries his piledriver, stepping over Bob Whiskey, who seems to have several of 40 squirrels in assorted tickle holds and vice versa, and walks towards the gorgeous woman he saw earlier. She reminds you of your second crush, the kind you had after you realized the first was a fool's errand, her cleavage jiggling like mad as she holds a clothes iron plugged into a generator to the ground, scoring the grass. Scoring as in burning, not as in having coitus.

Uh, hi, I'm Jackie.

Hehe. I know. I love the XWF. I'm Laquandisha.

Oh, heh. Laquandisha. I like that name.

Heh, thank you. Do you want to help?

Uh, how?

Well, just take that big tool of yours, find a few mounds, and smash it until you're satisfied.

Laquandisha grins innocently as Jackie's eyes shoot straight at her chesticles.

B-But, Laquandisha, I need to tell you something.

What's that?

The earth, it's...

With a loud 'fwoosh' the entirety of the globes catch fire, and the cooking team representing flat earth put a big flat grill across the flames. The flame makes Laquandisha's eyes glow as she looks on in joy. She turns back to Jackie.

What about the earth? Would you like to go on our cruise to the edge of the earth, Jackie? We will set sail, see the tip, and come back.

Uh, about that, Laquandisha, the earth isn't flat, it's round! These guys are all crazy!

Angus rushes up, clearing his throat very loudly along the way.

Nye, nye, nye, nah ye didna! Jackie, stop jokin' wit de lass...

It's not a joke, Angus! The world is round! We didn't have to go into space to learn that, we knew it for centuries, and these people need the truth!

The flat earthers all turn and stare at Jackie. Chet steps forward.

Heretic. We will stop you and your lies!

With that, the flat earthers all charge Jackie. Flat earthers weilding hoes, shovels, pavers, and other landscaping equipment. Jackie drops the piledriver he'd been carrying and runs at Chet. We fade out.

---

As we fade back in, we see Jackie surrounded by all the flat earthers, all flat, all on the earth, and there's a crazed look in Jackie's eye. He turns to Laquandisha, who looks terrified.

La-La-Laquandisha, I, uh...

Angus walks up to Laquandisha.

D'na worry about de lad, missy, he's a fightin' machine, he thought he was here to spar wit yer friends and was only funnin'.

Laquandisha looks at Angus like he was the savior she always needed.

Oh, thank you...

M'names Angus, but yew kin cull me Blackie.

Blackie. I like it. Would you like to spray your semen on my massive, firm, and youthful breasts?

Yep. Less gew.

Laquandisha stands, turns off her clothes iron and disengages her generator. She and Angus frolic off into the bushes.

Tole ya, lad.

Jackie, catching his breath, looks around at the mess of beat up flat earthers, and watches as Laquandisha goes to have any of seven different STDs splattered all over her chest.

Oh, shit.

Jackie slumps. As he does, 40 squirrels, having had their way with Bob Whiskey, who is snoring on the ground, attack Jackie.