Once again I was being abandoned by everyone I hold close to me. Teakin was only helping me because she knew the repercussions if she didn't. She knew I wouldn’t kill Nero right now, I couldn't. She knew I couldn't handle saying goodbye to her again so soon after I had lost Jason...But she also knew that if Ashba lived through Nero while he was still hiding in everyone's mind, it would be the end of everyone involved. Amaryllis was only staying loyal to me because of my past "heroic" behavior that saved the Sirens and world. Everyone else, every other person I had met in the beginning was gone. I truly felt as though I had no control over anything besides what happened in the ring.

So, what does someone like Mandii Rider do when she has no control anymore? She takes it. One way or another, whether it be with friends or loyal subjects, I would take back control because that is just what I do. I control what happens to me in and outside of the ring. I control who I protect and who I flick the match to and watch burn.

Amaryllis had been ignoring me, only coming to see her mother when I was out training the Sirens or training for the ring. Teakin stayed by Nero's side making sure she didn't wake up. She gave me updates now and then but I didn't want to hear more until Nero was awake and out from under Ashba's hand. I couldn't bare to hear what was going on in her mind and I would rather not be kept up to date with the hell Nero was undergoing.

I sat on my bed, the Bombshell Championship in front of me. The sun showing through the window lit up the golden edges and my name etched into the bottom. I had worked so hard to prove to everyone I was worthy of being this. I worked my ass off in the gym day and night to become something. This championship was the only thing I had absolute control over losing at this point. But that would change, soon I would find a way to control more than just how long I had this championship.

Are you just going to sit there and stare at that hunk of metal or are you going to answer me?

Helen's raspy voice broke me from my thoughts. I looked up, looking only at the wall at first, then directing my eye contact to Helen.

I said, when is Nero going to wake up so I can get the hell out of your bedroom. I'm getting tired of watching over you and waking you up when you have a bad dream. I have better things to do than sit here and watch you play the dark brooding bitch. I can find Blair and now that we know she helped Ashba with his powers it should be a priority to find her, don't you think?

Yes, but if we wake Nero up we are going to have bigger problems than just trying to find Ashba.

You mean my sister is going to want to lock Nero up instead of me and you can't deal with that.

Helen rolled her eyes and mumbled "Of Course" under her breath. I sighed and moved to the edge of the bed.

I'm done explaining myself to you or anyone else Helen. If you want Amaryllis to tell Serena then go right the fuck ahead. If no one here is going to trust me and continue to point out the fact I am watching out for the people who mean the most to me then why don't you all turn on me?

Oh I would, in a heartbeat. But I taught my daughter to be better than I am. I had people, no not even people gods, turn their back on me so I have trust issues. I taught Amaryllis to follow her gut and stay loyal to the people she cares about. Obviously she still cares for you or I would be out and you and Nero would be locked up for treason. Speaking of daughters, how is yours?

Her words were direct and unsympathetic. I growled under my breath and stood up from the bed. I walked over to the window and looked out to the lush emerald grass and clear blue sky.

She's not coming here.

Obviously, where did you put her though?

The sarcasm in Helen’s voice was starting to wear on my patients for her. If I hadn’t promised Amaryllis her mother would be fine with me, she would be dead already from her lack of emotion the majority of the time.

A friend of mine picked her up and took her somewhere safe. Ashba doesn't know about her and that's the only thing keeping him from using her against me.

Helen shook her head and leaned back on the wall.

How do you do it?

Do what?

Keep all this shit up? You go to the court meetings, train the new Sirens, you keep this life hidden so no one can see it, you even hold some championship in a wrestling company. Let's not forget you have a crazy sister, your mother, father, and brother are all dead and you don't know where this Jeremy person is. Now your actually father is planning to kill off all the Sirens because we didn't give him a welcome home hug? Oh, and your daughter. She has to be showing signs of the Siren now and you, her mother, isn't there to explain it to her. How do you do it?

My feet dropped to the ground and I stood up.

I hate myself.

Helen looked me dead in the face and confusion washed over her.

Wasn't expecting that answer? I try so hard to protect the people I love, to give to the people I claim as my own because I hate myself. Every morning I wake up, I look at myself in the mirror and think about the shit that has happened to me. I know I can't change it, I know it all wasn't my fault but it doesn't change the fact I hate myself. From a very young age I was taught how to hate myself and was told I wouldn’t be more than a rape victim to my stepfather and his friends. I was taught my body was the only thing I was good for whether it was to be a punching bag or some human fuck doll. I work so hard to find worth in myself and by protecting the ones I love I find worth in myself. I'm a dark brooding bitch, I have tattoos to cover the scars from matches and my childhood. I'm your generic self loathing bitch, but I don't let it keep me from the things I want. That's how I do it Helen, I never give up. I push and kill myself because I will never feel the way I did as a child. I will never be weak and helpless ever again and I will protect the people I care about because I know what it's like to have noone love you.

Helen was left speechless as I walked past her. She would never really understand, no one would, and I was sick of explaining every little intricate detail of why I do things or why I am the way I am. I just...Am. I have flaws, we all do even if we don't want to admit we do. I'm real and I will never stop improving myself.

Helen was right about one thing, we needed to find Blair. I had already tried to track her but it was no use. She didn't want to be found and it had to do with one of two things. One: She knew what was coming and was trying to save herself or two: She was apart of what was coming. Either way, she had to be found and I had an idea on how to do it.

-----

Jenny, it just might break your fragile mind but you need to hear the truth. YOU LOST. It doesn't matter who I pinned you are the one who didn't get back up and stop me. YOU didn't break the pin. YOU gave it up and yes, I took the opportunity. Isn't that what a smart person would do? I guess a dumb blonde like yourself wouldn't understand what I ,person with a brain, would do. I think the hobos in Africa skull fucked you so hard that you lost any brain activity that you used to have. The truth is that you just can't seem to get through that thick skull of yours is YOU LOST. Plain and fucking simple, are you holding the championship? No. Are you the one who can say you didn't give up? No. Again, since you didn't get off your stupid ass and fight back by breaking the pin YOU, Jenny useless Myst, LOST THE BOMBSHELL CHAMPIONSHIP. Accept your loss, learn from the damn thing, and stop lying to yourself. It's not healthy.

Ohhh, you hit two Pink Perfections? That's cute. You think that matters? I scrambled Hart's brains with THREE, count them if you can count that high, THREE Crackheads. She wouldn't have been able to walk straight even if she tried. By the way, I was meaning to ask you, how did it feel to be dropped on your head as an adult? You make it sound like you had everything under control and I pulled an upset. Jenny, I was able to break your pin on Hart, you tried the same shit and fucking failed because of ME. You tried to take the easy way out but I stopped you. That's why you lost, because you stop trying...You didn't want it the most Jenny so shove your excuses up your ass. That's all you do when you are outsmarted and lose, you bitch and don't take your medicine. Only cowards make excuses and play the "I wasn't the one you pinned so you didn't beat me," card. I lost my match at Warfare with you and Chris and admitted I lost, you can't even admit when you are wrong so I don't know why the fuck I expected you to admit you lost. It's adorable how hypocritical you are.

Let's get one thing straight, every gimmick has been done. Wrestle isn't some new thing anymore, it hasn't been for a long time now. So yes, the dark, brooding, tough bitch "persona" is going to be plaid quit a bit, but you know what Jenny, so is the pretty in pink airhead routine you have. How many blondes who claim they have "natural" bleach blond hair, play the sex card, and act like they are perfect have you seen in your short career? Because I can tell you if I had a dime for every bitch who pulled the same gimmick as you I could have retired after my first year in the ring. No one is original, not even you miss Perfection. But you know what makes me different? Know what sets me apart from people like you and the other emo fucks you want to group me with? I'm real and never pretend to be someone I'm not. You put on this smile and act like you are better than anyone you step in the ring with, but we all know it's fake Jenny. You try to act like the fact everyone hates you doesn't get to you, come on bitch. You base everything around your looks and how much you spend to put plastic on your finger tips. You are fake, you always have been and that will never change. Your nails, fake. Your "Natural hair", fake. Your eyelashes, fake. Your nose, a botch job and fake. Your self confidence, fake!

My motivational speech wasn't for you. My humility wasn't for you. I gave you credit and you want to throw it back in my face? You weren't told you are loved enough as a child. Jenny, I was trying, trying, to give you a boost of confidence after you LOST. I was trying to give you a little bit of that fame you want to badly. How stuck up do you have to be to make fun of someone who is better than you when all they did was try to commend you for your hard work? How fucked up in the head to you have to be to not take the bow I've given you? That's what I mean, you want to come off as the baddest bitch there is when in all reality you are a scared child behind your words. I can be humble because I've learned to be after the years I've had in the ring. You can't even take a compliment, it's sad really.

I know you dropped out of middle school to join the porn scene but I thought you would have at least been there long enough to know you can have stability, control, and dominance without dictating people, Jenny. Keeping people in line isn't something you have to dictate if people actually respect you, which people here don't respect you. That is why you have to bring up in every promo that you made people retire and quit after having a match. You try to damn hard to make people fear you like the high school bitch who uses daddy's money and not her own. You try to damn hard to make people see you as more than street trash and it's sad. Then, when it doesn't work, you give the low blows. You talk about looks, you are literally the mean girl of XWF without friends because no one can stand you. You didn't scare me, you didn't run me off and that's why I was a threat to you. You broke out the "I made people end their careers," card and tried really fucking hard to make me fear you, but I? No, because unlike the bobble headed bimbos you've faced you can't make me look up to you with fear, I fear no one Jenny. If you really want me shaking in my boots then stop focusing so hard on your looks and trying to be Hitler to the women's division and actually work for respect! This is the whole reason you aren't champion, you are so dense that you can't even see what you are doing wrong. Hell, you don't even listen to the words that come out of your own mouth half the time so why should I?

Nobody said that this division is useless huh? Didn't you say later " You are the head of a dead division." Doesn't that imply the division is useless? Let me break this down to you because you kept saying this for turning point and apparently my logic didn't sink in past your bottle blonde hair. If someone's career is dead, like Chris Chaos's, is their career useful? No, because it's dead! If someone is just dead, six feet under, are they useful? No, THEY ARE FUCKING DEAD. When you say a division is dead, you IMPLY it is useless. This whole time you did not come right out and say it but you have implied this division is a lost cause. If it such a lost cause, if you really want to be the only one in it, why do you talk about yourself so highly for holding the championship IN THE PAST? I hold pride in this championship because I can help build this division. I don't see this division as a lost cause like you and others do. I see this division as a new slate that can be built and worked on to be made better. You know why I see that? Because I remember the days that women were only eye candy. I remember when no one gave us respect because we had vigans. I remember when women didn't even make it on the show but were lost in the "Dark Matches." Again, I see the same fucking thing here in XWF and honestly it pisses me off. It pisses me off that the only woman fans had to match that was worth anything was a fake liar like yourself. You aren't improving this division Jenny, you are ruining it and LYING to yourself about it. You are the toxic that kills a division, not the goddess that brings light to it.

Honestly, your self hate shows through in your promotionals with how much respect you give the division you try so hard to be the top of. You talk down about this division, so yes I do have to talk it up because all everyone hears from you is how dead it is. From a fan's perspective, if you have the champion always talking about how useless everyone is a division is do you think they are going to come to a match involved with that division? Come on Jenny, you have to have at least a small brain in that head of yours, I know my Crackhead didn't blow your brains out. I talk highly of the match because when you put faith into a division people watch. That's why we were bumped to main event, because I put meaning in the division while you only shat on it. I made people watch because they listened to me. Fans who loved watching the Riders in the past found me here and wanted to watch because I said there was potential in this division. You never did that, you never put faith into this division so no one wanted to watch. Congratulations Jenny, you truly are the reason for the death of a division and the reason why no one wanted to watch it. I saved this division, a division you ruined with how vain and pathetic you are.

Jenny, your ignorance is showing. First of all, do you hear yourself talk? "Good luck ever moving up, moving on, and being something." Really? I hold the Bombshell championship so I'll never amount to anything else? "You are the head of a dead division, and I knew it was coming from a mile away." So you already knew I would win the championship is what you are saying, right? Because you kept saying it was dead even before this match. "You just locked yourself into a division that is currently a dead end, courtesy of yours truly." Wait, so you just admitted you didn't try and you gave me the win? Didn't you talk about that being my problem in my returning match? Or are you happily saying that you are toxic and killed a division? Why the fuck would you be happy over that you stupid bitch. I can't keep up with your stupidity. So if all this is true, WHY DO YOU WANT THE CHAMPIONSHIP! Because you think so lowly of yourself? It sounds like you are the one who is going to be stuck in one division. Sounds to me like you are the one who doesn't know what you are doing in this business, at all. God, you are a broken fucking record. Ok, I guess I'll repeat myself AGAIN, this division needs work yes but talking down on it and TRYING to kill it doesn't make you look good. IT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID JENNY! Everything you've said makes you look like a fucking moron who doesn't know how divisions and championships work. Wait, there's a name for those people, Rookies. You're still a rookie Jenny and I'm done with giving you credit because you don't deserve it. You don't want me to be humble, alright, then allow me to tell you how useless you really are.

You are so useless you have to say you had a hand in Jim's "death". You had Chris hit him in the skull with a fucking pipe. Eric held a belt over jims throat while you were just there for the ride. The only thing you did was pour gas, wow I'm so impressed. Eric and Chris did all the work while you called a fucking uber. Wow Jenny you had a big hand in killing Jim's career. Do you want a cookie for your effort? Do you want a pat on the back for pouring gas? Jenny! Open your fucking eyes! I took super soakers into one of my bosses office and sprayed the whole damn thing with piss because he didn't book me that week, even that is doing more than pouring gas on a truck because I actually had to talk to the roster to piss in bottles! Stop trying to make it sound like you have any importance in "Empire," your only there because Chaos can't handle being on his own and you have his ball sack in your hand bag. Oh, and by the way, Jim wouldn't be "dead" if it wasn't for Chris needing a fucking pipe to take him down and Eric holding him while Chaos drove. If anything, you shouldn't be bragging about being accessory but I digress. No wonder you have to take care of Chaos, when he loses he really PMSes like a chick. By the way, in that segment alone, you proved how you are STILL EYE CANDY.

So you lost for your endgame? Sounds like an excuse to me. You have a plan B? Well I damn well hope so because if you didn't all those loads you take would keep you out of the ring for at least 9 months. I've heard the main use Empire gets out of you is Eric and Chris double teaming you. Anyway, off subject. If you really wanted this championship, if you really put your worth in this championship, you would have won. I won because I wanted this, you lost because you didn't want it enough. End of story.

Have I proven my point yet Jenny or is it still not sinking in that I'm better than you ever were or ever will be. I'm Bombshell Champion while you are wallowing in your self pity and fucking yourself in hotel rooms. I'm bettering myself while you are stuck on the same old shit. You might be my main competitor but you will never be better than me and at Warfare you'll see that. I wanted to defend my championship at Warfare, you want to know why management didn't book it though? Because they see how much of a fraud you are and how toxic to this division you are. You have to prove yourself like I did and when I pin you at Warfare I'm going to instill that you aren't worth shit. I haven't beaten you? Oh just wait, because I will at Warfare. That is, if you don't seek out help because you know that's the only way you could ever beat me.

Try try again Jenny because you aren't trying hard enough.