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TheBigKahuna · (09-27-2017)

The Big Kahuna is in his room at home, in Monterey, California. He's sifting through different wrestling outfits in a rather large walk-in closet. He seems a little frustrated.

The Big Kahuna: This week, I think it's my turn to tell a little history lesson Sinclair. Look, I get it, you're the long time-champ, you're respected, you've done well. And really, how am I going to disagree with that? You really are the challenge I've been looking for. Because it seems you put as much effort in the ring as you do ramblin' on about some history shit. But this week...It's my turn...

Because, look!

Kahuna motions through a varied assortment of styles, colors, and sizes of wrestling attire, specifically wrestling trunks.

Kahuna: It's been an absolute disaster. Let me tell you about it...It's a story about freedom. Freedom to be the thing you are, on the inside. To reach your full potential! To fight for the space you need and want! It's a story, and you would know this, that's been repeated through all of time. Yearning to live unmolested from outside threats. To keep your resources to yourself, while still having relations with those around you. To not be frightened by force, but to embrace the force within yourself every once in awhile!

But the problem is Sinclair, that men like you, and our XWF contemporaries just don't know the story like I do. You haven't felt the pain personally, like I have...A history of tightness. A division - of balls, sometimes. Yes, of course, I'm talking about....

THE BATTLE OF THE BULGE
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Kahuna: Look at it! This is a picture of me at a recent bout. Can't you tell, my dick is screaming for help!

Kahuna slowly puts down the photo of his huge dong.

Kahuna: And I can't believe it. This was me soft, not aroused at all. Can you imagine....? Sinclair, history can be so cruel. Because the more we look into the past, the more we see our future. Will this atrocity ever be accounted for? Is there hope for men like me out there, that I can someday live in a world that can accept someone like me? That can make loose fitting apparel for us chosen few? Mr. Sinclair, you may be a history teacher, but I have lived this history. And I have succeeded anyway. Because history has taught me that my perseverance and my ethic are all I have. The only history that will someday matter is the one I leave in my wake. My footprints and monster wang just dangling a path in the sand, of the beach that is....the XWF.

So that's my story Sinclair. That's my history...

Kahuna puts his hands on his hips. He turns off the lights in his closet, turns around, and walks out. He makes his way over to his large circular bed in the middle of the room.

Kahuna: But I also can appreciate your history. And the history of the XWF. Any wrestler worth a damn knows it takes preparation, work ethic, and research to be a successful fighter. You need to know your opponent more than they know themselves. You need to know the backdrop of how they came to be who they are, on that day you're face to face with 'em. In more ways than one...you need to know your history.

When they open up the books on the XWF, maybe they will have a chapter on you Sinclair. Maybe your reign...so far...is good enough. But you can't live on the Television title forever. What happens when you lose? Your shot at the big-time, up in smoke over hubris. You've got a good thing going now, it can't possibly come to an end, right? Streaks never die!...But you know better than that, right? Okay, so maybe North American sports leagues aren't in your history wheelhouse of study...But let me tell you something Neville, it all comes crashing down. No one dies a champion.

You say you're not afraid. But I've seen this twisted logic before...Your success, Neville, has been just good enough. You get the gold....Maybe you get some female attention, and you get that little pecker up, and BOOM! "Hey, this feels good", you think to yourself. But it's a trap. You're satisfied. You look up that ladder, one more step to take - and decide it's not worth the risk. NOT WORTH THE RISK?!? Neville, what are you doing here, if not to fight the best of the best? If not to get your shot at the Universal Title?! Ohhhhh Sinclair! You have fear! Sure, your successes have been numerous...But the last notch...The last belt...You have the fear of failure...Does James Raven scare you, Sinclair? His reign too, must end...at some point, right? And you're willing to put that on the line, against me?

The history book pages will be fluttering on Saturday Night in Hollywood. I wish you wouldn't do this. But I won't feel bad for taking your title shot away. Think about it Sinclair...

Kahuna walks out of the room, but not before having to adjust the large snake in his pants to make it more comfortable to actually walk.

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