"Like Waters off a Dick's Back"
(continued from "Dollygagging")



Caedus Rewind...
--MONDAY MARCH 20 2017 POST PROMO--

I slowly turn to identify the intruder crunching through the brush behind me...and what I see...
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...is just the goddamn fisherman (the one who brought me here) returning from what I can only assume was a leisurely walk about. He looks up to greet me, spies something over my shoulder and grimaces. Before I can wonder, the sharp feedback from a megaphone erupts followed by:

"Caedus 씨, 우리가 당신을 찾고 있습니다! 우리의 영광스러운 지도자는 당신의 안전을 걱정합니다. 우리와 함께 본토로 돌아가십시오."

I spin as the screaming begins to see a yacht sized North Korean military vessel dropping anchor as close as possible to my island from the shallows. The fisherman steps out from behind me, heading for his boat anchored off shore.

The zip in charge with the megaphone on the deck turns his attention to the man.

"당신! 누가 이것을 승인 했습니까!"

The captain halts, turns, half shrugs, starts to shake his head but stops short, unsure of how to respond. The staccato of automatic weapon's fire rings out. He takes a few shots to the torso, raising him to his toes, before the final upward tracing shot knocks his head with a jerk, a small mass of flesh and skull jettisoned from the back. He dies facing up into the sky, the waning light of the setting sun reflecting off his sightless eyes.

'What the fuck!?'

My breathing immediately intensifies as I stand, stuck in place, while the zip-in-charge descends to a dinghy, motorized, along with three soldiers. They pilot the tiny craft to the miniscule beachhead I'd swam to to access the island from the fishing boat earlier and disembark, one soldier pulling the dinghy onto the sand.

Guy in charge repeats, at least it sounds the same, what he'd hollered at me from the vessel, this time much calmer and more cordial. I pull out my phone, activate translate and ask him to repeat again. Instead he slowly replies in English.

"You should not be here, is very dangerous. Our Glorious Leader is concern for you safety."

I look to the slain fisherman for a split second then back to zip-in-charge. This all seems so unreal, too bizarre to be happening.

"There's nothing here, how am I in danger?"

He seems at a loss for English...

"아시아 먼지 폭풍."

"Asian dust storms," the translate app bitch says in conversation mode.

"Yes. Asian dust storm. Very dangerous."

"그그렇습니. 아시아의 먼지 폭풍. 매우 위험한."

Better turn that shit off.

"Sorry-"

"죄송합니다."

'Oh for fucksake.'

I turn off the mic, exit the app and search Asian dust storms...

Hmmm..."Yellow dust storms" they legitimately call them as well.

'That's funny as fuck but how are they dangerous?'

I read on...not impressed.

"Doesn't sound so bad. We had dust storms in the high desert too."

"I'm afraid could make you very sick Mr. Caedus."

I don't feel like leaving. Before thinking I say:

"Have your men build me a shelter then. Right in there." I turn to point in the direction the fisherman had returned from when he snuck up on me earlier.

Zip-in-charge narrows his eyes, frowning.

Shit.

'What the FUCK are you doing??'

I don't know.

'Did you just give that gook, who had one of his undergooks shoot that fishergook, an order?? ......Hey!! Don't you DARE say what you're-'

"Ask the leader if that's ok. He met me earlier, remember? My chubby lil' buddy Kim, he loves me. Tell him King Zombie needs his men to build him shelter on Caedus Isle. Hope he doesn't get mad at you for making me have to ask.

'You ARE insane.'

Zip-in-charge gulps hard and turns away to make the call...turns back to me.

"Island Caedus?"

"Sure, or IC for short. And the ten square miles surrounding IC are now to be known as the ocean of Caedus. That's OOC floating IC. Understand?"

"No."

"Just tell my new best buddy I need some shelter built. Some ZIC you are."

"Z...I...C?"

"Zip-in-charge. Head Zippy, zipperhead."

My new ZIC doesn't seem familiar with the term zip or zipperhead (probably for the best) and makes the call. Kim Jong-un not only agrees but has a few ideas of his own.

64 plus hours and several boatloads of laborers and material later...


-Thursday 23 2017, 11:22 AM Local-

-Island Caedus, Ocean of Caedus @ 39.291605, 124.738011, Yellow Sea-


...I find myself sitting on a throne constructed of bleached human skulls and Korean quikrete within a miniature palace, the walls and ceiling composed solely of the freshly preserved corpses of DPRK enemies, all female (stuttered facing in or out judging by the quality of rack or caboose of course) and all possessing faces masterfully manipulated to express "horny", complete with elegant stained hardwood floors.

I turn to the supreme leader, my new bestie who'd also had his team of handpickedthreatened electricians and aqua techs run fresh water and power to my new digs in record time.

"How many bodies did you say it was, Kimbo?"

"One thousand triflin' hos who dare tell me no."

'Kimmy's pretty good with the urban English.'

"You like?"

"I do. The throne could be a little more comfy though. It's a bit lumpy and scrapey."

"Don't be such a pussy, Jimbo. Speaking of which, I brought you housewarming gift."

Kimmy claps his hands and two soldiers march in carrying a large cherry oak crate. They set it down, crowbar open the lid and front facing end...................

'A pet carrier?'

"What's this?"

The soldiers take their leave. Kimmy opens the thing carefully, conceals the contents, places whatever atop the carrier and backs away.

The two of us then take in the gift, his laughter so very much resembling an actual chick despite definitely belonging to him, Kim Jong-un, my greaser gangsta gook chum.



'Fuck ME that's the cutest animal ever!'

"Fucking adowable right?"

"Kickass cat bro, thank you...is it supposed to sound like that?"

"Don't know. Caracal, not cat, from China desert so maybe it has sore throat. That remind me...you choke that lil' bitch but she come right back. Want me to kill her?"

"Who, Dolly?"

"Yes, Dolly, I hate her. Hate bitches, they no good for anything but Korean fingertrap. She make no sense, what all that with a priest? She heretic. You should let me execute."

"No thanks Kimbo, pretty sure I can handle her myself."

"Oh, you gonna do right now? I can be in too?"

"Sure, why not?"

"So excited! My debut in XWF, Korean bitches will splash all over my 음경."

"You haven't been in an XWF promo before?"

"Nooo, you crazy? This real life, Jimbo. No one ever have balls be my friend before you."

"Cool, cool. Alrighty then..."

I remove my phone for promo.

"No, no, no... You do it right, I do it FOR you, then we have lunch. 영화 대원을 데려와!!"

Wasting no time, a Korean film crew hustles in and sets up in the span of five minutes.

"동작! That mean action, Jimbo. Focus on her third promo, number four just more of the same."

....................

"Awwww...baby get scary take a tinkle? Did I hurt your 'iddle feelings, Dollywog? I didn't backhand you so hard you're now on the defensive are you? You aren't the next in line to flinch hard at my words are you? I see you went back and edited the superimposed air date on your 'First Take' from February 1st to March. Yeah you better frantically scramble to look better, bitch, you better desperately invent farfetched 'fallacies' to save fuckin' face. You're only fighting chance against me is to do so and hope your fans are too slow to catch on...of course, you'll never pull the wool panties over MY eyes, imbecile; I'll always be right there to kick you in the tissue-padded 'skeeter bites when you're down. Catch you when you crumble.

Shall we begin with your little bitchfest over...what was it, some offhanded remark I made about your callous actions toward cats? You really gonna argue over textbook psychology outing attitude towards animals as stemming from upbringing? Why do you think your coming up with that clusterfuck calamity of a collab disappointed me? When I was 7 I killed a sparrow with one of those high-powered hose gun spray nozzles, blew its feathers clean off and when I was 13 an ex-friend of mine blew up a kitty with an m-80. Been a guilt ridden animal lover ever since and it was made clear way back when I fought Nico. I guess once again what you think you know amounts to dick, Dolly and...taaarnation you ain't no good at this debate shit are ya? But hey, feel free to continually spin fabrications and fantasies for that first collaboration we had in round 2, twat, it ain't like I just presented an in-promotion precedent smashing your horseshit to smithereens, right? Fact remains that was all your brainchild and all I was was a willing participant in your scripted savagery 'killing' cats and gen-x jag-offs to make YOU look good. Our _second_ co-op was my directorial. Deny it, cunt, try it. Lyin' lil' loser. I should curb your ass and split your head in half like a motherfuckin' muppet. I don't give a fuck if you're a chick OR how young you are.

Which reminds me... Did you actually say you were 13? You were born November 1st 2004, it's March of 2017. You're not even 12 and a half you fucking idiot. Can't keep track of your own age? Gee, that definitely makes me believe you're on the up and up and not just some fibbin' fuck-up. You're so REAL! Hurry, Dolly, HURRY...locate the loose end I just nailed and edit it before everyone can see it! You're so fuckin' pathetic, you make me sick, slut. This is how you wage war isn't it...ISN'T IT!? THIS is how you got so famous in the XWF, by covering your snailtrail tracks and fakin' like a real fuckin' female. You're all the same, none o' ya can handle the truth; changin' your hair style, color, cakin' on the makeup, lyin' 'bout your age and shit...typical. You ain't no different than that kike bitch who acted her way into the NAACP. It must suck to realize you're just like every other dismal dipshit dame out there. Fulla lies and alligator tears. Go fuck yourself, stupid, you ain't foolin' Caedus. Sew THAT shit up, cunt.

You rep real life? I aughta smack the pacifier right the fuck outta your candy-trap, brat, you ain't adopting MY existence 'round here as reality...bad enough you've basically been copying the fuck outta my trash talk game to the letter. Matter of fact...you so fully TRY to encompass what makes me ME I don't think Muddy is your daddy, I'M your motherfuckin' daddy, bitch! I demand a blood test, Maury, Dolly is the fruit of my seed and I musta fucked momma Flora back in '04. Tryin' to prove my words over wielding similar trashing game as false. Try again numbclit, you've already provided proof positive you can clone the style but not the smarts. You and that new douche Danny Imperial. When oh when will they learn there's only ONE Jim Caedus? Fine by me...as I continue to showcase, no one can match me at MY game and yes, Dolly, it IS a game, this war of words we all enter into. This is absolutely MY LIFE, MY REALM, MY REALITY...but when we cross and slash swords of semantics it becomes a game I'm all too talented at while you take aim and manage to hit all BUT the target. MY groupings are smaller than a quarter, you just spray into the dirt down range, .

By the way, don't you ever put words into the mouths of Trax and I to insinuate anything having to do with your underage ass. Another desperate roll o' the dyke dice to get the people turnin' on us, shame on you young lady! Ain't no one interested in your creepy kid testosteroned sexuality. What's the next shot in the dark you got lined up? Think it'll make a difference? Bitch I'll keep chippin' away at your head like fuckin' shingles and there ain't a goddamn thing you can do about it but edit and lie. Period. Maybe Cadryn ain't interested in joinin' in 'cause he can see you fuck up enough for the both of you.

Oh no...no...NO!! Don't insult my dead wife like Robbie did! Nnnnoooooooo- suck a dick, Dolly. Shit only works once against me and, oh hey, considering Scull' and the Bourbs were ejected from the tourney I'd say it didn't pay off THEN like it ain't payin' off NOW. Call me homeless, big deal. Worked just as well for Hero as cuttin' on my wife did for Rob. You got nothin', Doll', nothin' but your generic Caedus clonery. You claim you can't be thrown off your game but try as you might, you ain't me, you're just another asshat that thinks they can do it too. I'm the father of the fuck-around, ho, ME. And you...you already been knocked for a loop like everyone else is when takin' me on. Yeah...you're one helluvan opponent, I'll give you that. Hell, I'm honest, you're definitely one of the best I've ever come across in 20 years...but that won't change the fact I'll rip those powerful legs off, beat you with both meat ends and throttle you with your own training bra before bashin' your brains to PB&J. Gonna have you singin' 'I got the blues' and it ain't gonna have shit to do with mac and cheese, chickenpox chump. Scratch them dots, Dolly, I already connected and drew you up and exposed you for the thot you are, fuck your hundred plus pedo-fueled views.

You're so fuckin' tough tearin' into me aren'tcha? Stuttering and stumbling through your statements, mispronouncing words like the VERY nervous and imperfect pissant you are.

Uh duh duh...'for you to be dancing with such neurotic fantasies in your shit fed mind of "spanking" AND underage girl', 'sure, I'll maybe rib you two for _having having_ such gaudy fantasies', 'it's pretty funny to me frankly that you would claim to have some super fucking intellect yet you also said you let a thirteen year old girl "corral" you into hurting a creature that you're obviously so FOUND of.'

Dur dur dumfuck dipshittery, that's all you got, girl. Motherfuckin' MORON. Calm the fuck down and take more time with your promos, punk, you're racing headlong into inevitably effective erasure. You're sweatin', shakin' like a dick what can't loose the last drips at the urinal I'm sure you patronize, ya jailbait boy-bitch."

Kimmy laughs.

"Hahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Stupid lil' ho! She scared and off her game, Jimbo, you always do that, you the shit!"

'Heh heh...yeah you are.'

"And yet, Kimbo, they keep on tryin' expecting a different outcome. Callin' me insane, you _define_ the word, woman. First you claim you're oh so realistic then throw quotation fingers up around _underage_. Yeah, you're believable as fuck doin' that, dude, keep it up, make this easier than it has to be. You started off strong until I opened my mouth and you've been tryin' to catch up ever since. Fuck Dolly October, this is Caedus 2017 and you fall short just like the rest. Will that lead Trax and I to victory in the LL finals? Will we be cuttin' off the flow of Running Waters, damming up your determination and demolishing your dubious ass? We'll see won't we?

Yes, Dolly, I saw through your deception starting with your teaming with Trax as a 'newcomer' yet you bein' somehow so damn adept at this and familiar with your opponents. Who the hell did you think you were foolin', fuck-o? In your last promo you basically tore down your own lack of skill in hiding your identity, for ONCE bein' a bit more honest, sayin' even Ghost Tank could've guessed. Wayta own up to it while really not. Hey Dolly, don't confuse all of our polite asses letting a woman maintain her fiction as foolin' us, it was bad enough I sold your bullshit following round 3 with Steve Sayors. You ain't no genius, you're just an egomaniac who couldn't keep her own ass in check. I may have been the only one to come forward and publicly spotlight the masked bullshit but I sure as FUCK wasn't the only one suspecting Buronan was no newcomer. Both Trax AND Cadryn spoke with me backstage following your oh so glorious bombdroppage and both shrugged, unimpressed, sayin' you weren't that convoluted of a mystery to solve. Sorry to burst your bobble head bubble, bitch, but even the fuckin' fans in Zagreb knew somethin' was up. The truth is no one GAVE A SHIT who you really were, despite the crowd happily chanting welcome back for the sideshow tent tween. You ain't no different than any other kid thinkin' her lies succeed in foolin' the adults while we all nod half smilin' and tell ya, 'oh you're so CLEVER, Dolly, you sure put one over on us!'. Golf clap, cunt, that's all you get.

What was that you said about me being frustrated over men pretending to be chicks online? That doesn't make me look bad that makes them look gay. That's about it. And if you WERE really a dickless douchebag prancin' around like you got tween labia 'tween your legs that'd make you the biggest I've ever come across, wouldn't it? Keep laughin' like a tranny 'bout to get his ass kicked by the man you were tryin' to suck up to like the freak you are, fairy. Laugh your way right into the grave. Makes me wonder why gaybashin' went outta style. But you ain't no guy, you're a GIRL, right? Not that it matters...you wanna fuck with the guys get ready to get ground up like one. Get ready to have your beanbag boobies beat the fuck concave, cocksucker. I don't give a shit HOW dangerous you are, I'm still gonna whip that pancake ass and show you what dangerous really is, lil' Debbie dumbass. This ain't your crowd in Korea, it's MINE. They're gonna be chantin' for me to chop you up and by God I'm gonna deliver.

No matter what you say I'm gonna exploit your lies and mistakes, Dolly. It doesn't matter how hard you try twistin' shit to fit like a big black rubber cock up your cooze, you LOSE and shall continue to do so when squaring off with me. You may be the 'Phenom' but I'm the mythbuster, bitch, and ain't no tall tales ever trumpin' me. Don't bother keepin' kissin' my ass in context with Trax, it ain't gonna save you. You wanna sidle up to me you better just lie on your back and gimme the pin so I can move on and MERC that Black Superman standin' in my way.

I'm sorry Trax, I do respect the fuck outta ya, you ARE an excellent tag partner, more of a friend than Robbie ever was, and we WILL crush the competition if we keep on with the pressure...but like you said, you're shootin' for that briefcase too. Ain't no superpowers gonna avail you in that ring, Catch-22-kryptonite-Caedus is gonna Lex Luther your ass, snatch that cape off your shoulders and choke you to death with it like I'm NYPD and you're Eric fuckin' Garner. Gonna be a whole lotta black mothers fallin' down cryin' their eyes out, I know, but what the fuck? I didn't come this far to back down now and I ain't gonna. Fuck givin' up. I'm Jim Caedus but as far as you're concerned I'm Ferguson fuckin' Missouri. Dolly, your words ain't shit to me but Waters off a dick's back while you fail to effectively duck mine. Believe I've got you lined up with the light gun right up against the screen ready to Duck Hunt your ass into high score territory. Fuckin' dog is gonna have a helluva lot to giggle about when I've finished with you. DUDDLE-UN-DUN-DUDDLE-UN-DUN-DUN! Quack quack! POW! How you like me now?"
XXXXFXUXCXKXXYXOXUXXDXOXLXLXYXXXX

"Now what was that you said about lunch, Kimbo? Figuratively raping young ladies and black men works up a hunger no Snickers could EVER sate..."

TBC