"Mic Drop? Try Quality Drop"







-XWF WELLNESS & MEDICAL CENTER-

--Tuesday, February 7 2017, 3:30 PM--



'What're you doing? It's probably not the best idea, you know, as an admitted former meth addict and current _psychopath_, to be seen walking into the company clinic. What will people think?'

I assume they'd think it was warranted after mouthing off to the boss's lady like I did. Where the fuck were your warnings _then_ by the way? I could've used your cautious approach, asshole.

'Don't blame ME for your lack of filter and thought process in reacting to emasculation.'

Anyway, you know why I'm here. I could care less about public opinion on my sanity. The pressing issue that needs to be addressed is how Cadryn is now hearing my inner monologue. He's listening right _now_ apparently. I mean, inexplicably eavesdropping on _you_ is impossible enough...but my definitive own thoughts and musings? It's like he's some amateur writing...uh... What's the proper terminology?

'Roleplays. Oh, and Efeds.'

Right, it's like he's in an Efed writing roleplays and mistaking inner monologue for "spoken" text.

'How do you know what goes on in Efeds? You're a real wrestler, not a fedder.'

No comment.

"Fourth Wall break?" A girl scout age possibly 11 or 12 yet almost as tall as I am anyway, fuck you God, shoves a four section chocolate bar in my face as I try to enter the center.

Girl Scouts are selling candy bars now too? Jesus, no wonder our poor country is tipping the scales. Lemme see this thing...

"What is this? A Kit Kat© knock off?"

"No, it's the Girl Scouts of America's singular addition to the menu that'll revolutionize our business and corner the market on loitering law defying storefront sales. The Fourth Wall. Break into a Fourth Wall!!!! Five bucks."

'Well spoken little lass, ain't she?'

"Fuck me, a dollar twenty-five per skimpy section!? No thanks sweetheart, I have to fast this morning anyway.

"Then fuck off you baby dick cheapskate loser."

'Haha, hey she's an XWF fan!

As I storm into the center and approach the front desk I yell back at her: "It's not baby! It's _average_! AAAAAVERAAAAAAAGE!! Hi, Jim Caedus here to see Doctor D'Ville- Whoa, shit, I mean Doctor Devoll."

'Yeah, let's not get too ahead of ourselves. You're here for help, not looking to get slaughtered.

The receptionist advises me sweetly to wait a moment while she verifies my appointment. Two jag-off attendants walk behind the desk, one carrying a box labelled LOST AND FOUND.

"Anything new today in the box?"

"Oh hell yeah, I have Cadryn's _smile_, Killjoy's _spine_ and _funny bone_...hey, here's Cadryn's _brain_! I'll just set that next to the smile.

"You didn't find Cadryn's sense of humor? That was reported lost as well.

"Huh? First of all, that's not a tangible object to be lost or found. Second, WHAT sense of humor? Can't lose what you don't have! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Before the yuckfest can continue, the receptionist hangs up the phone and directs me to make my way to Doctor Devoll's office.

After about ten minutes of taking wrong turns and receiving dubious directions from staff, I arrive and enter. Devoll is nowhere to be seen. Typical. On your ass with the bills but when you need them it's hurry up and wait.

Back to Cadryn impossibly reading my mind...

'Well, you DID react to his Fravy bullshit did you not? He said aloud Fravy was a voice he manifests in HIS head after all, so...'

Thanks for the sarcastic segue. Dude's a vile vaudevillian ventriloquist act, you know that as well as I do. We both know the difference between some twerp with a prop velcroed to his cock speaking for two and actual mental illness.

'YOU? Mentally ill? You're not mentally ill.'

I know, right? Grazzi.

'Prego. Mmm...spaghetti."

My spaghetti still stands, however. I mean my _point_. Please don't confuse me right now, I'm hungry too; I had to skip the continental breakfast this morning and decide not to take candy from a baby earlier. Depending on what tests and possible surgery I may have to undergo, if anethesia is involved I'll need an empty stomach. And by the time this fucker Devoll gets here, I'll have already eaten all those suckers in the dish and be halfway through the vaseline and dipping sticks.

'You mean the ear swabs?'

Yes. Those delicious, delectable ear swabs just smothered in mouthwatering petroleum jelly goodness.

'Well...you could promo instead. Cadryn is in need of correcting.'

...................................

"Howdy Cady-cat. I know you were hoping your last promo was a killer and would silence me in a fit of stupendous shame...unfortunately there are a few key points to correct you on before you continue vigorously jerking your delusions to the concluding dribbling climax.

Beginning with Item 1; during that promotional Daycare Center promo, which I was BOOKED for, dumbass, when you read my mind and heard me describe Doctor Dheep Mehtahfor as Hindu then again read my mind describing a 'Jew bitch', I was clearly referring to the Daycare Director Cybil Izzim whom you should've been able to clearly see walk up behind the doctor and introduce herself. She also stated her name was Israeli. And although that much is obvious to the other members of the roster, the brass and the fans of the XWF, I just can't miss an opportunity to zero in on your nervous numb-minded mouth diarrhea.

Item 2. That whole questionable providence of the name Caedus deal. I love you Cadryn...I've been waiting for someone stupid enough to comment on that but no one in the XWF has ever been thick enough to challenge until you."

'Or more probable, no one thought of it or gives a shit.'

"Lo and behold, little Tiberius and his fappin'-to-Dax daddy at the Daycare Center yesterday were kind enough to trip that trap for me so I went ahead and expanded on the actual Latin root of the name to head you off at the pass. It should've been seen as substantial evidence by anyone with half a brain at that point, what with my XWF fansite avatar and all, as to the validity of my claim. Oh but not to the persistant professor in you, Cadryn, no sir. You pushed, as I thought you would, in your response that I'm a Star Wars geek that _did_ in fact steal the name, therefore denying any claims to my love of the ancient and dead tongues. You took the bait hooker, lines and stinker and became the first moron to wander headlong into a pitfall that'd ALREADY been uncovered. If you'd ever thought, _before_ your panicky response, to research beyond drop down search result snippets you'd have learned that for some reason the Star Wars community believes Caedus to mean slaughter, not the actual translation of: to fell. Again, as I'd already been challenged before in other promotions on the subject, my carefully chosen avatar says it all. But if that isn't proof enough...how about the name of my finisher, Katabasis? Grecian...because I enjoy the ancient shit, like LATIN. Katabasis, as the label for the most devastating move in professional wrestling history, has been used as such since 1999 when my long time colleague Sean Wiley and I put actual brainpower behind our business personae. In these times of new and newer we love the old and rarely used, not Star Wars novels. I do love the property...but that name just simply happens to be an unwelcome coincidence I've found the need to have my defense at the ready for; and I've capitalized on my burden of proof. You're an idiot.

Item 3. In context with myself and my golden girl, you haven't beaten anything but a dead horse...at great length...and that expired equine named 'Undisputed' needs to be sent to the nearest glue factory."

'Or possibly the Mars© Company. Their pet food factories use horse in their dog food.'

"Mmm...thoroughbred lumps dog food. Sunuva- Goddammit, STOP distracting me with thoughts of food!" I produce my title belt from off camera and present her. "This is my golden girl. Her name is Dorothy Rose Deveraux...sometimes I just call her ma. Do you know why she's been my bottom bitch since our match? Because you didn't win, Cadryn. Get the fuck over it.

Item 4 and my favorite..."

'This here's a good one.'

"Allow me to put to rest once and for all your rabid confusion over how anyone can think you're gay. I've given you an allotted amount of time to catch it yourself but as the name-game and really, EVERYTHING ELSE I've pointed out has proven, you're not too quick on the uptake. Do you remember that day in the roster opt-in meeting when you James Browned like a motherfucker, stood up and said it loud, "Aw my Gravy opted in"? You're gay and you're proud. Bro, we were ALL there to hear you say it, it was public. The two minutes of uncomfortable and awkward silence that followed your creepy comment should've been the hint we all heard it. If you don't want people to call you gay, don't fuckin' act like a queer in public. Is that clear enough for you?"

"Mr. Caedus?"

"That's me, Doc, what took you so long?"

"Oh we're busy busy busy here every day. What seems to be the problem?"

"I need you to give me a cranial CAT scan and check for anything foreign."

"Were you hit with an object at one of the shows in which a piece could've been embedded beneath the flesh or in your skull?"

"No, no, nothing like that. There's this douchebag on the roster who can somehow hear my thoughts and I'd like you to see if maybe some kind of never-been-invented mind-reading-and-broadcasting device has been inserted into my brain."

"Uh...wouldn't the term 'never-been-invented' imply that this theoretical device is unlikely?"

"Just humor me, Doc, please.

"If that's what you wish to expend some of your credit with the company on that's fine by me. Come on, we'll get you situated."

I stop the recording while Dr. Devoll takes me to the CT lab, has me change into a hospital gown and lies me in position on my back.

'In a gown on your back...how many times has Cadryn been in this position legs and cheeks spread-eagle I wonder?'

I'd given one of the assistants my phone to record and asked to continue my promo while undergoing the scan. As the center is XWF property, he'd agreed.

........................

"You sure tore into Robbie didn't you? Knowing him, he must be stressing hard over how you threw the same ol' shit at him that everyone else has...you know, all those athletes he's Robbiebombed into oblivion before and after he won the XWF Hart Title? He doesn't need my help responding to the likes of you but I WILL point out you made yet another error during your tirade to him. A 'quick' game D&D? Cadryn, there's no such thing as a quick game of D&D. I never took the opportunity to take part in the franchise myself but I do know that shit can take endless hours, even _days_ to complete a single scenario, let alone the entire lifespan of your character. You're a new age dork, you've probably spent a few years and a lotta dough playing WOW so you should be canny enough to figure out how long a written and spoken game would take in comparison to the length of time an actual computer game steals away. Then again, you're not very good at figuring anything else out, why change now? As for me, I'm not into that sorta thing but at least I know enough not to fly such flawed insults. And as far as D&D goes, I personally prefer the kickass cartoon from the 80s."

"The fuck? D&D, WOW, cartoons...are you really a wrestler under contract with the XWF?"

"Hey, nerd shit has been 'in' for years now, asshole. As consistently broadcast members of a televised business it behooves us to lend relevant and popular tripe to our verbal repertoire so as to draw in all possible members of our fan base. Now close the craw, Kubrick, and keep fuckin' filming."

The massive machine draws me into it's open maw and the scan commences.

"All of that bullshit really has no bearing on our match, however, I know that. As fun as it is to reveal how much of a jackass you are Cadryn, all this mudslinging and proving of the facts won't help Robbie and I defeat you and Killjoy in the first round of Lethal Lottery; our undeniable in-ring ability should potentially take care of that for us. I use the qualifier 'potentially' because as a man like me who does NOT have a spotless win/loss record here, I've learned to be a little more protective in my proclamations. As _you_ should be; after all, I'm the one representing a draw on your tally, tough guy, so in context I'd advise you to drop the alto in your tone, adopt the more-appropriate-for- soprano, and exercise a bit of practical humility before you enter the ring against two men who have the credibility to back up THEIR words. I understand that your winning the XWF Heavymetalweight Championship at Wal-Mart has your clit swollen and engorged with the blood flow of the fresh champ but perhaps you should've taken some time to shop and locate the foot-in-mouth aisle to pick up a rollback reality-check item. Catching Reno unawares while running errands hardly compares to competing in the ring, winning and defending titles like The Robster and I have. Once again, you're taking an admittedly impressive feat, like taking me to the time limit, and spackling it with a whole helluva lotta overzealous candor. Robert 'The Omega' Main did what you couldn't, he handed me my first loss. Do you hear him _monopolizing_ his camera time repeating over and over that he's the actual XWF Television Champion? If anyone should be, it's him, not you. Robert has class though, Robert has honor, Robert has dignity, Robert understands what you refuse to...you don't lay claim to what you don't have. You, Cadryn, do not have a win over me and with that attitude of underestimating both of your opponents while your own PARTNER has yet to even join in...it's safe to assume you never will. Period."

I'm slowly spat back out of the machine and I rise to swing my legs over the side of the table into a seated position facing the lens.

"Look, I used to date a CT tech, I know you pricks have the results nigh instantaneously. I want them as soon as _you_ have them."

I receive a confirming nod from off-camera.

"You took me by surprise in our last encounter. Even if I'd been at my max potential you still would've surprised me. I never expected someone like you to be that good, just as I made the same mistake against Main. I don't overlook your stamina, heart and skill now, I'm expecting it. I'm ready for it. I've been ready since your names were drawn as the first opponents for The Bourbon Men and I've been scouting you with an incomparable amount of dedication pertaining to our first match. Now I'm keeping up with you. Hell, The Bourbon Men are LEADING you, fuckstick. In my humble opinion I think I've done an excellent job out rhyming and out trashing you in promo thus far and I'll say the same for Robbie with _his_ hilarious hijinks."

'Oh hell yeah, who doesn't love Pacino and Pesci? We certainly do. We look to those miniature movie mobsters as legends of the film industry AND we identify with short shit killers.'

"And here you go, Cadryn, with your lame nursery level poetry and oh-so-funny obviously woodsy locale stab at yours truly, thinking you're hot shit, before I answer back with a one-two combo that stole your smile, torpedoed your need for scenes and raped your ribbing game leaving you appropriately and visibly upset to the point that all you could manage was an out-of-your-realm flacid, mean-spirited response. It reminds me of your third promo in reaction to my second in our pre-TV Title match donnybrook. You lost your cool then too...and all it led to was a draw. That tells me you aren't so steady under pressure...like I am. I managed to fight through it and survive Thomas Nixon himself with a repeat win in the closing seconds of our WWII. You? You're floundering already and Lethal Lottery IV Round One is still a week away. I won't predict certain victory...but goddamn it doesn't look good for you and Killjoy right now. Fuck man, The Bourbon Men have only just BEGUN to fight. You'd better wise up, chump."

'Who you callin' chump, chimp!?'

No, no Roger Rabbit references. He doesn't deserve something that light-hearted. We'll save that one for Trax if we face him.

'OOGA-BOOGA! Oh...no...wait...Cadryn can hear us both, remember, so that spoiled it. Can't use those lines now. Boy I hate that buttfucker.'

You and me both.

"The unfortunate nitty gritty of this shitty diddy is-"

"Mr. Caedus, there are no foreign bodies or thought-recording device in your head. There does seem to be some brain damage however, most likely incurred during competition."

I knew it...so how the fuck can Cadryn hear me? It defies all logic. AIDS doesn't awaken a latent ability for esp, it just kills you unless your name is Magic Johnson.

"No that was a stomping to death that did that." I return my now zombified dead-eyed gaze to the lens. "The unfortunate truth to this situation is that win, lose or draw you seem to be out of your league...and you know it. You know I'm on my game like never before. You know I've hit you hard, I've made you stumble and you know everyone can see it. You know I was already seeking revenge on you in the first place for being a like the cocksucker that sold me out is but now an ADDITIONAL level has been established...the fact that I need a decisive win over you to make up for that draw. Go ahead and slam me for being homeless, go ahead and poke at me for not having a job despite the fact I'm under contract and paid by the same promotion you are, fucking idiot; none of it affects me. Your words are nothing more than desperate insults spewed haphazardly from a desperate woman. As far as the tournament goes, believe The Bourbon Men are intent on doing whatever it takes to win overall. But in this first round, I'll be doing whatever it takes to fuck you up. That's simply reality on the rocks. Oh...and your little four line rhyme closer...next time try to not steal a well-known dumbass online meme theme you fuckin' amateur. Maybe that's one of the reasons why Gravy ain't happy with you lately, you alienating asshole. Copycat Cadie is at it again. Fuck thieves. I'm Jim Caedus."
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