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JimCaedus · (02-06-2017)

"You're Going Down Syndrome"

-MOMMY'S SPECIAL BOY DAYCARE CENTER-

This is ridiculous. Being booked as the XWF Television Champion by the brass for promotional signings and meet 'n greets is one thing but a _daycare_ appearance? It makes no sense.

'Well, with all the childish fans a guy like the Cereal Killer draws maybe The XWF is expanding their demographic to include kids, pedophiles and poor

. Just do your thing and make like Cadryn: suck it up. Oh! Here comes the administration for the Center! Behave yourself.'

A pink-dot fuckin' Hindu extends his hand.

"Greetings Mr. Caedus. I am Doctor Dheep Mehtahfor. Thank you so much for electing to spend some time with the children at our facility."

Electing. Right.

"Mhm, no problem." Who the fuck is _this_ Jew bitch now?

"Mr. Caedus? Cybil Izzim, Daycare Director."

"Cybil...Izzim?"

"Yes dear, it's Israeli. We have a wonderful afternoon of activities and fun prepared. Shall we?"

"By all means, lead the way."

We enter the obviously privately owned and operated opulence of a for-profit, why-be-a-parent, upper-class-only spermsitting-station.

'Let's seeeeee....one, two, three, four, five, six kids. Wow, you're real popular Jimbo. Oh and parents too!'

"Parents? No one said anything about parents.

"Yes, we had a little fundraiser and the six highest bidding families won the opportunity to join us here today."

"And I shall leave you two to it."

Doctor Dheep departs.

"Okay children, gather 'round, sit those cabooses down and let's give our very special guest our full attention.

"No!"

"Cadie, come on now, behave yourself ok?"

"Poop!"

"Cadiiiiie, now that's not a nice word."

"Pubes! Dick! Dildo! Hahahahaha!"

"Cadie! Watch your mouth, that kind of language isn't funny at all!"

"Yes huh I'm funny!"

"That is _not_ funny, Cadie."

"Yes I'm the ONLY funny one! And no one else can be funny!"

"Just you?"

"Yes!"

"Ok come sit down now."

"Fart!"

(sigh) (quietly)"I'm sorry Mr. Caedus, normally we wouldn't find a child as...special as little Cadie among our ranks but his parents won a few hundred thousand off a scratcher and they _did_ bid the highest..."

"Penis! Hahahahaha!"

Two porcine greaseball parents waddle over to Cadie. The mother takes first crack.

"Cadie, behave yourself or no milking from mommy later."

"Mommy makes my pee-pee white!"

'What the- What am I hearing?? Is that even possible at his age!?'

"Mommy's a cumdumpster!"

"Shut up y'li'l

!" The father smacks Cadie to the floor.

Cadie whimpers quietly to himself and sits Indian-style. His parents rejoin the flock.

"There we are. Ok, shall we get started?"

"......"

"Mr. Caedus?"

"I'm sorry, what now?" That Cadie kid is giving me the hairy eyeball.

"Shall we read now, Mr. Caedus? Is everyone ready for story time?"

All the kids cheer but Cadie and the sixth kid, off peeking out from behind a cubby dresser.

"Kilroy come join the fun!" (aside to Caedus) "He's a bit shy."

Little Kilroy creeps over like a frightened kitten and sits behind the other children.

"Did you bring any reading material, Mr. Caedus? We have a wonderful selection if you didn't."

"No that's quite all right, I brought my own."

"Excellent!"

Cybil Izzim fetches me a chair that for a normal sized adult would seem miniscule. Yet, despite my bulk, it fits my short ass to a T. God is an asshole.

"Okay boys, I'm going to read a book to you today called 'The Little Queen That Couldn't'." I open and begin.

"Once upon a time there was a sad little girl named Katie."

"Hey that's MY name!"

"No it ain't y'li'l queer-bait butt-sniffer, yer name is Cadryn!"

'Cadryn!? Well _that's_ convenient.'

"Nu uh it's Cadie!"

"His name is Cadryn but you call him Cadie?"

"Wife calls 'im Cadie. She wanted a li'l girl, see, then the doc tells us the ultrasound shows an oversized clit so she names 'er Cadie 'cept spelt different like them jungle bunnies do. Next thing we know _this_ fairy come floatin' out. Turns out he just had an undersized dick. Anyway, she been callin' the li'l he-she Cadie for so long she just kept it. I tried turnin' down the gay by makin' up a name like them spooks _also_ do, turns out Cadryn was a stupid choice. He gets his ass handed to 'im every day in school. Tried to make a man outta the li'l fruit but he and momma got a reeeeal special relationship and I ain't gay, so I gave up. Cadryn, Cadie. Is he, isn't she? Who gives a shit anymore? Not me."

"That clears it up concisely, thank you. (Ahem!)...

Now, the reason sad little Katie was so sad was because none of the other kids wanted to play games with her. They said her jokes weren't funny. They called her a copycat and a cheat and said she ruined every game because she never came up with anything on her own. She didn't understand that cheating or playing copycat, even if in the pursuit of playing grade school mind games, is lame."

"Is lame."

"Yes Cadie, it's lame."

"Yes Cadie, it's lame."

"Uh-"

"Uh."

"Don't piss me off, kid."

(lowering voice and hopping up) "Ooooo, I'ma scary crazy! I talk to my head!"

'What the fuck? Can _he_ hear me too!?'

"Can _he_ hear me too?" Cadie's dad chucks an unopened can of Bud Light and it -DONKS- off his son's head. Cadie drops like a bad punchline.

"Siddown and can it,

!"

"Thank you, sir."

"M'pleasure."

"Well, Katie wanted to prove them all wrong. She thought,

If I was a queen like Alice in Wonderland, I could say off with their heads and all those mean and correct buttholes would be dead! Then I could play Jeff Dunham with one of the heads and try to make fun of someELSE for a change, in a clever way, like I'm F-wording with THEIR head! Then people will laugh!

So, Katie wanted more than ANYTHING in the world to be a queen. She was so tired of feeling like the loser she was that she would cry herself to sleep on her pink sparkly pillow night after night. She prayed to Jesus and she cut deals with Satan. She wished on a star and she Ouija'd her little heart out. But no matter what or how hard she tried, poor, sad, little Katie couldn't change the fact that she was a stinky, furry, unfunny, copycat little cheat none of the other kids wanted to play with.

Then one day, Katie saw an ad in the paper while lining her personal litter box and it said-

COME ONE, COME ALL
JUNIOR ROYALTY BALL*
COMPETE TO BE KING
OR THE FAIREST OF ALL

*price of admission $75 and your choice of bringing an entree or dessert for the potluck banquet

Well, Katie was beside herself and overjoyed!

Now I'll show those B-words! I'll show them creative and win and be the real queen and then off with their heads! But how will I get the money to enter?

Then Katie did what she always did, she stole. She stole the $75 from mommy's purse that mommy'd set aside to buy a diaphragm so as not to repeat the mistakes of the past. Mommy was a loser too, with no medical coverage, so she would have to pay top dollar and the cost of the fitting to avoid another Katie.

Katie didn't care. She was a queen and queens, as we all know boys, are selfish, self-centered creatures who suck.

The next day Katie skipped her way to the Junior Royalty Ball venue with a whole day's worth of new ideas she'd spent all night thinking up in between wiping her teary eyes with her pillow and blowing her nose on her bloomers. She paid her stolen fee and she we waited for her turn to compete.

And you know what, boys? Katie actually did ok. She did so well in fact that by the end of that competition she found herself facing off against the reigning and returning champion, the coolest boy in the whole neighborhood, Jimmy Caedus!"

"That's a _stupid_ name."

"Tiberius! Mind your manners, youngling!"

"Tiberius? Talk about a stupid name, kid. Daddy love the exploits of the Enterprise?"

"Um, pardon me, sir, but are you not waxing hypocritical here? _Caedus_? Like Darth Caedus? I love Star Wars too you know."

'May as well correct him before Cadryn himself thinks to copy the name-game bs.'

"Pardon _me_, dork, Caedus is a derivative of the Latin word caeduus, the feminine for: 'to fell'. I lobectomied a U and left one masculine dick tip. Caedus, to fell. Fell like lumberjacking a damn tree or cutting down an opponent...that's why my avatar on the official promotional website is of me chopping wood. You haven't been the first geek I ran across who accused me of that. Don't get me wrong, I love Star Wars like most people, but sometimes people love Latin too, nerdlinger."

"I stand corrected, sir, my resistance was futile."

"_Anyhoo_...

Try as Katie might she JUST couldn't beat Jimmy Caedus even when he had one hand tied behind his back. She had to watch him go on to win the competition and keep his title as king.

Katie was so distraught she went

. She said-

I won, it's not fair, I won, I won! Nuts to being creative, it got me no where! I'm going back to my OLD ways! I'll make my OWN crown, I'll be the QUEEN and I'll show them all!

So she did just that, cutting a crown outta cardboard and wearing it wherever she went. Katie ignored the ridicule from others. She pretended like she was funny and clever and acted like it was a good idea. She even wore her crown to other, lesser competitions and won but she hadn't noticed the way everyone kinda just let her act out by way of pity. She was a pathetic, sad, little girl that Katie, and willingly ignorant to boot.

Simple, dullard little Katie started to get so full of herself that she thought-

Hey, I AM the queen, I AM funny, I AM creative. Well, no, I'm a filthy little thief but I bet I could get by on that against King Jimmy Caedus the next time around!

So Katie waited until the next contest, a tournament in it's fourth year named the Lethal Lottery and this time it was a TEAM competition! Katie signed up, so sure of herself, and was assigned a partner named Killy that thought he was funny as heck too.

We got this. We'll win for sure, she told him.

Unfortunately for Katie, she didn't expect to see King Jimmy Caedus and his ultimate partner King-from-the-other-side-of-the-tracks Bobby Bourbon in the first round. Poor Katie thought she could gain some momentum leading up to King Caedus but now, with two Kings in her way, she didn't think her lame jokes and cheating and copycat ways would avail her. Then, in a fit of stupidity, Katie rhymed to herself:

No, she said, to heck with that! I'll just keep on cheating and copying cats! I'll throw jokes together, SOME people will laugh, I THINK we can win, I'll be queen and that's that!

Killy said Katie, your one humdingy!

And if we lose, she thought, we'll go down swinging!

So Katie and Killy played war and they lost. Bobby and Jim knocked 'em outta their socks.

I just want to make people laugh, she said, true!

The crowd said: We ARE laughing. LAUGHING AT YOU!

Then Katie drank a doubleshot of Draino, died and the world was all the better for it. The end."

'The kids don't seem impressed. Neither do the parents.'

"Neither do the parents."

"Ok, I've had enough of that little fuck, I'm out. You got a half hour outta me, our deal is complete.

"But Mr. Caedus, we have so much more planned! What about the kids?"

"Fuck the kids."

"You sir, are an asshole.

"No geek, I'm a Bourbon Man and that's reality on the rocks."

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