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002

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SIDE TRACKED

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The chopper takes another blast from the anti-air gun attached to one of the vehicles below. It twirls back and forth and takes another one, only this time, the back bursts into flames! It takes a nose dive and crashes into the woods below! The team of Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, and Doc D'Ville watch the crash from a hillside a safe distance away, just escaping an ill-fate. The pilot, unfortunately, suffered just that and went down in a blaze of glory for his country.

"Who the fuck would shoot at us?"

Bill Cosby yells at his two friends as they make their way down off the hill into the dense forest. Bill Clinton then speaks up.

"Hard to say, Lord knows how many people are pissed at me just from backsplash, ya know?"

"Does he now?"

Doc reaches inside his jacket and pulls out one of his cigars and lights up.

"That didn't seem like your normal protester. They knew who we were and where we were going."

"Smoke 'em if ya got 'em, right?"

Willy searches around in his pockets for another cigar of his own, but appears to be out. The three of them continue through the woods in an attempt to find a road. Whoever shot them down would probably head to the crashsite. Problem was, there weren't too many roads and the team would most likely bump into them eventually.

It's nearing night when they finally reach an embankment leading up to a small paved road.

"Which way do you think we should go?"

Bill Clinton inquires. All three of them look back and forth, up and down the road.

"Probably doesn't matter. We're lost, that's all there is to it. And whoever the fuck THAT was...."

"That way."

Doc cuts off Bill Cosby and points where he wishes to go. The three of them begin walking.

"You know, Miss Dolly, I warned you previously about your focus being distorted, and how you HAD to fix it."

The three of them present three dark silhouettes all marching in unison down the road. Doc stands in the middle, the cherry of his cigar glowing bright red and bouncing in the air with every step.

"In just a few days you'll be face to face with a force that you've never, not once, faced in your time here. Your daddy never even faced such a threat preceding you in this FINE federation. The Tag Team Titles are on the line and you're worried about what comes next. I mean, don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with having a plan... Looking to the future... Being one step ahead. I get it. But the Xtreme Championship should be at the bottom of your priority list right now. Geez Louise, Miss Dolly, I can hardly keep up with you here. One week you're Television Champion. You win some strange three-way match with the Hart Champion, Brother McBride, and the two of you end up switching titles. You have a Tag Team Title shot this week. And now you're sniffing around the Xtreme Title scene. Honestly, my dear, you need to get your ducks in a row here. What then? You kickout for eight weeks and get a briefcase? Todd forbid what you'll do with one of those."

"Let's just hope that after this week you don't lose steam and it costs you your Hart Title. It would look pretty ridiculous to throw you into an Xtreme Title contendership if that happens. Just roll with it, my dear. You are only the first of many different teams in the XWF to be lined up and shot down by Doctor SATAN! It's a shame that you've become one of those ones too big for their briches. Believe it or not, Miss Dolly, there are still a few things around here a bit out of your reach. And it's not because your short. When you first arrived in the XWF, you were just the cutest little thing. I've told you this. Your innocence fascinated me. You were just a little victim, my dear. Even after Muddy came back and 'found' whatever he 'found' while he was gone, bunch of hibbidy if you ask me... He was still, if not a bigger, piece of crap. The image of your daddy stares back in every tear you shed, Dolly. It still does, today, the pain is still there, Doc can see it. Fear not, because you HAVE grown. You've grown from the trailer park! You have grown from some smelly little twat. Someone that no one had any thought of. That no one even HEARD of. To what you are now. One giant cunt, am I right? I listen to you at times and I forget I'm even dealing with a little girl here. It's defilng to your character, Miss Dolly. Or? Are you a BIG girl now? I mean, you have your own apartment, all brought to you by Mister Heyman INC, himself. He pays the bills, probably fills the refridgerator with everything you need. Pays for cable... The works, right baby? Everything and anything you need. I told you before, that's what he does for his little clients. Makes them comfortable. Makes them feel real good. He knows just how destroyed you are inside and he's doing everything he can to repair that. Take a nothing and make it a something! Perhaps, it's Paul Heyman that has something to do with your hot streak as of late? Is it possible that little Dolly's success is because her new found back bone is ALSO brought to you by Paul Heyman INC?"

In the distance, a pair of headlights appear of the horizon and are coming towards the trio.

"Should we hide?"

Bill Clinton speaks up. The two Bill's look to each other and realize the Doc has vanished in thin air.

"Where--? Where did you go?!"

"Aw, damn."

Before they can react, the vehicle is slowing down in front of them.

"Is THAT who I think it is?!"

A voice shouts from an old pick up truck.

An older gentleman in a pair of coveralls steps out of the truck and appoaches the Bills. They shiled their eyes from the headlights and cautiously step towards the side of the road.

"What are you guys doing out here?!"

"Well, to be honest, we're kind of lost."

"We're fucked!"

The man steps into the light, he's an older, farmer looking fellow with a strong limp on his right side. He had a gentle face and almost a sadness in his eyes.

"I've got a house up ahead. Kind of secluded back in the woods. You guys are welcome to tag along... Maybe help ya find your way again."

The Bill's look at one another and shrug.

"I don't usually pick up too many strangers so far out here, but it's not like I see a former President or a couple of celebrities out here everyday."

The man studies them for another few seconds.

"The name's Henry. Hop in."

He motions towards his truck and makes his own way towards it and gets in. The Bill's follow his lead and both cram into the cab and all three of them share the only bench seat. The truck slowly putts away, struggling with every shift to the next gear. In the bed of the truck sits the doctor, lighting another cigar and cracking open a bottle of beer the old redneck had in a box back there.

"It's not that you're not worth the Tag Team Titles. There are plenty, plenty of things around here within your reach, INcluding them. Just... Not right now. Know what I'm saying? Soldier and I have our own plan for destruction, too, just like you, my dear. Soldier, for example, just spent the last however many months as the Xtreme Champion... Two briefcases are now in his grasp. Now that Mister Gilmour is the Universal Champion, now that there's already a Universal Title match in stone at Wild Card, it's only a matter of time before Soldier gets HIS prize. I mention Mister Gilmour because I'm quite sure that most of us were pulling for the fat moron a little bit. He just has the affect on some of us around here, does he not? I admit, I was even pulling for Peter a bit when I, myself, defended MY Universal Championship against him. It did no good, of course, but now... With every ounce of breath, I'm happy to say that Peter Gilmour is the XWF Universal Champion."

"That just tickles your belly, doesn't it Dolly? That just sends the butterflies a fluttering. If Peter can do it.... IF SCULLY CAN DO IT...... Anyone can?"

The doctor chuckles to himself.

"Hardly. These gentleman JUST happened to be at the right place at just the right time. It was the opposite around here a year or two ago... Most gentlemen found themselves in the wrong place at the WRONG time. Eli James, Theo Pryce, John Samuels.... GATOR.... Even our beloved owner, Vincent Lane suffered from it. Winning the Universal Title cleanly was unheard of there for a while. At the same time, a lot of those ridiculous cases were just handed out like a damn piece of candy. I know that's how my reign over this company began, but I earned my ticket. I destroyed everyone I faced and did so in a fashion like no other. I took the XWF by the horns and dominated from day one."

"I'll give you credit, since you've come back with the new 'tude you've definitely had your fair share of success. Only failing in my RUMBLE, really. You've pretty much held your head up and taken on your own little run. Fear not, this won't be where it ends. The doctor is just going to remind you that there's still guys like me around here. Guys, that if we really wanted to, come in and just splatter the fucking wall with you. I think your partner used to be like that. Everyonen always talks about Luca if you haven't noticed. He's kind of like our Universal Champion, A K A, XWF Mascot, Peter F'N Gilmour. Only, Peter has one thing over him now. That would be... OF COURSE.... The Universal Championship."

"I'll be honest I forgot you were such a pussy to life. It's after dark here now. Are we sitting in the bathroom contemplating it while crying over the sink? Or are we paased out on the bed after popping a bunch of pain pills? Is it late enough? You know, there's far plenty more... EFFICIENT ways to take care of that, you know, Luca. You seem like you spend enough time alone, buy some rope and fucking hang yourself for fuck sake then. After being such a staple in this place for such a long time and Peter holding the highest trophy over my head, even if he gets crushed at Wild Card, I'd want to hang myself, too. Do you think if you and Miss Dolly manage to win these titles you'll be around long enough to defend them? I'm sure the tendencies thing is nothing new, but seriously, will you be around for that? How close to the edge have you come where you've nearly ended it all, Luca? What kind of position would that put little Dolly in? She's just a little girl Luca and I've already questioned her about her choice in partners. Of course it's not because of your ways about in our little business. Like I said, you're a little icon in your own right. I just haven't seen it. But you're just like her daddy. Some of the craziest, most confused, fucked up individuals we got."

The truck pulls off onto a small dirt road barely visible if you weren't looking. It's a bumpy ride for a while through the woods until a small clearing where the Bill's assumed was Henry's home. Which, indeed, it was and Henry parked the truck out front of a large garage and lead the boys inside through the front door.

"Can I get anything for ya, sirs?"

Bill Cosby shakes his head with a smug look on his face.

"Man I could use a drink, if ya don't mind."

The house is basically one large room. It's definitely big, with the kitchen off on it's own and the living area adjacent to it on the other side. Stairs lead up to a second level with a small loft where he most likely sleeps at night. Henry heads to the kitchen area and pours Mister Clinton a glass of water.

"I'd imagine you'd be thirsty. How long were you guys out there? And what happened to ya?"

Yes this fella decided to ask these questions AFTER he invited them into his house and road for miles down the road with them. But they are Bill Clinton and Bill Cosby.

Henry carries the glass over to President Clinton and hands it to him

"Damn, what's this? Staright vodka?"

Willy takes a drink and spits it out on the floor?

"What the fuck is this?!"

"It's water you dumbass."

"There's none of that kind of drink out here, Mister President. In fact, the drink is what's driven me out here. I--"

Just as Henry was starting his story of a man on a downward spiral; losing his job, his wife, his life, everything... All because of misplaced priorities... Just as Henry started it... The door bursts open and a couple of front windows shatter as the room is now filled with large Russian men all wielding assault rifles and pointing them to our three friends. Bill Clinton drops his glass of water and joins Henry and Bill Cosby with his hands high in the air. The Russians move in and force the trio to the center of the large room. After a few moments, the shorter, fatter Russian leader steps through the front door and marches to the center of the room where the Bill's and Henry are now all tied to wooden chairs. He approaches them and paces back and forth in front of them.

"What's the meaning of this?! Who are you people?!"

Henry shouts at the Russian leader and he stops in his tracks.

"Now, calm down buddy, let's just see what they want."

Just then the Russian leader starts squeezing the neck of Henry choking him. Henry gasps for air, unable to defend himself with his hands bound behind him.

"Stop! Stop! I was the President! I can give you anything you want!"

Bill Clinton acts like a fool hopping around in the chair trying to hop towards Henry and the Russian. Bill Cosby remains still in his own chair, not caring of the situation. The Russian releases poor Henry and he fills his lungs back up with much needed oxygen.

"I know what you're doing."

The Russian finally speaks. Not towards any of the men, but off across the room. The three men look at each other curious whether he's talking to them or not.

"I know what you want to do."

Again, the three men have the same reaction. Henry hasn't chosen in his mind not to speak no matter what now anyway. Nearly got him killed before.

"I cannot allow this."

"Uh, excuse me, padre? Bill Clinton, 42nd President of the good ol' US of A. But, uh. What is it exactly we're doing?"

The Russian closes his eyes and appears to be building up a fury of rage from deep inside of him. He powers up for a few moments then releases a verbal fury across the room towards Bill Clinton.

"DON'T YOU PLAY YOUR GAMES WITH ME AMERICAN SCUMBAG!"

The Bills are attacked and demolished with what could have been gallons of spit and saliva from the fat Russians mouth as he spoke above them. They do their best to shield their faces by shifting it around, but it was to no avail.

"I know you plan to find your wife, Mister Clinton. I know you have plans."

"Hilary? Have ya seen her?"

"SILENCE! I know you plan to reunite her with Unknown Soldier."

"Well she's just been such a cold bitch since the election.. And I think some warm demon SATAIN! love could do the trick for her. Lighten her up a bit."

"Which is exactly WHY we cannot allow that to happen."

Bill Clinton shutters and has a surprised look on his face. He looks over to Bill Cosby who's facial expression is the same old bitter face that he's had, and to Henry who has no idea what the fuck is going on.

"But why?"

"You answered the question yourself, Mister fancy President.... When she is alone, without the demon clown, SHE IS A COLD CUNT! It is very important to Mother Russia that she stays this way."

"But she's such a bitch! It's unbearable! I'm begging you!"

"SILENCE! We have also intelligence that you have certain help to find this missing person. Is THIS him?"

"No! No, no, no! I don't even know these guys!"

Henry shouts out loud.

"Yeah, Henry just picked us up and brought us here not long ago. I don't know where the old man ended up."

"Well then he is of no service to us."

The Russian snaps his fingers and one of the men standing guard beside Henry doesn't hesitate to walk over, pull a combat knife from his belt, and saw through Henry's throat. Henry gasps for a few moments with a deer in a headlights look until his head falls forward spilling blood all over himself and the floor in front of him.

"HENRY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Bill Clinton shouts! Bill Cosby can't believe his ears.

"Man! You just fucking met the guy! Shut the fuck---"

"So where is this 'Old Man'?!"

The Bill's look at one another.

"I don't know! He just disappeared before Henry picked us up along the road."

"Disappeared you say? What is he? A spy?"

"I don't think so. He's just.. An old friend, I guess. He was going to help us get Hil-dawg and Unkown Soldier back together. We were heading to N.Y.C. to see Hilary and see if she knows where he's at. He's M.I.A. apparently."

"New York? We will go there."

"Wait, wah?"

"You will lead us to your wife, which you say will lead us to Unknown Soldier. If we eliminate him, he will no longer be our problem!"

"But that won't solve ANY of OUR problems!"

"Mother fucker!"

The two Bill's look to one another again in despair! What are they going to do?! Where the hell is Unkown Soldier?! AND WHERE THE FUCK IS DOC?!

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