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Guppy Parsh · (10-12-2016)

~Act II~

XWF Head Interviewer Steve Sayors is backstage at the October 12th edition of Warfare; he's waiting for the show to begin. He's eating a pineapple that was provided by catering. Not that it would ever get the taste of shit out of his throat. He seems to be shaking from when Peter Gilmour threatened him with a scary sword, but that happened two days ago so maybe he should just get the fuck over it.

Steve doesn't have many friends because he is a

. No one can put a number to the amount of times he has been raped, so at some point he must've enjoyed it. You might not like broccoli the first time you eat it, but if you keep forcing yourself to you'll eventually tolerate it's taste. The same goes for sodomy, Steve knows from experience.

It is just like any other time no one bothers to book an interview with him. He has nothing to do, so he just stands there and collects a paycheck. That is until a black guy grabs him by his collar and drags him away at knife-point.

"Keep quiet or I'll stick it in you." Steve shudders at the thought.

Meanwhile, a few feet away.

Batman keeps his eyes on the target. The scanners in his mask give him a reading within seconds.

Name: Amare Ironsi
Age: 24
Place of Birth: Africa

"Africa...Computer is he here legally?"

Citizenship Status: Illegal

"Oh no!"

If that meant the same thing in Norway that it meant in the United States of America, then this man was dangerous, evil, and a stain on this world. He can't just stand there and let his mark get dragged away. He would surely be raped and then murdered if the Batman lets this continue for any longer.

The Dark Knight throws a batarang and knocks the knife right out of the dindu's hand, then he expertly throws a pair of bathand-cuffs that somehow cuff his left wrist to his right ankle. The knife is just out of the reach of his right arm, so the criminal tries to hop towards it only to be knocked out by a batbrick to his forehead.

A smile emerges from Steve's face, but on the inside he's devastated that there won't be a dick in his ass. It goes away when he hears the voice of his rescuer.

"Hi Steve!"

Steve thought he was done with Guppy Parsh. He hadn't seen him in two years.

"Um...hi,"

"I don't think we've met. I'm Batman."

"We've definitely met."

"You do seem familiar," The Masked Manhunter looks him over with curiosity, "When did we meet again?"

Steve scoffs. He should remember what he did to him.

"Guppy, I don’t feel like telling you my life story right now.”

Steve goes back to chewing his pineapple, but what he said is still ringing in Batman's head. The way Sayors's lips move when he eats has The World's Greatest Detective fixated on his every movement. His walk is just so familiar.

Then everything clicks.

"You're Stevil...aren't you?"

"Shit."

Stevil? Shit?

"Look...I was really glad when you killed my character off. It was fun at first to put on a mask and act, but making me eat your shit crossed a line. Please don't make me work with you again."

Was his wife lying to him about this for a year? Guppy could've sworn Stevella said that she was really Stevil all along, but for some reason he feels like he has to believe him. One question burned his tongue as he spoke it.

"I thought eating my poop was your idea?"

"Nothing I said was my idea. Nothing I ever say is my idea. People tell me what to do in promos and when the cameras turn on I do it. That's my job."

"So you didn't want to eat my poop?"

"No," Steve sighs. Why did the XWF hire so many

anyway? "I better get going, Guppy. I can still taste your shit to this day. I don't want to think about it. Thanks for saving me from that African-Norwegian man, although I don't approve of your methods."

Steve tucks his head down and walks off, but he doesn't get very far before The Caped Crusader blocks his way.

"You can repay me by telling me everything you know about #BoycottXWF."

"I know nothing. Someone told me to write an article about it so I did. I do everything people tell me to do."

Silly things to tell Steve to do immediately pop into the Bat's mind, but he pushes those thoughts away to get back to business.

"Who told you what to write"

"The Union, who else would tell me to write something like that?"

"They are British. Did it have anything to do with Brexit?"

"What?"

Batman shoves Steve up against a wall.

"You heard me."

"It was months before Brexit, Guppy...Do you even know what Brexit is?"

He doesn't, but it sounds like a terrorist plot. Batman doesn't loosen his grip.

"I don't know what else to say. You're digging up shit from like five months ago. #BoycottXWF is just some dumb thing that only The Union cared about. It's not a grand mystery. They tried to use it to make the fans like them, but now all of them except for Scully are as irrelevant as you are."

"But they lied. Isn't that illegal?"

"I don't think it is."

"It should be. Their tongues should be cut out so they can't lie again."

"I don't see how that would prevent someone from lying in writing, which is what they had me do."

"Then I'll cut their fingers off too!"

"Is that really necessary? Can't they just say they are sorry?"

"They could be lying about that too."

"Well sure bu-,"

"Lying is bad," interrupts Batman. "It needs to be rooted out and exterminated."

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry...please don't cut me up."

"Someone else told you to do it so it's fine." Batman lets go of Steve, "I'll have a talk with this guy and if I find out he was trying to rape you I'll cut off his arms and leave him to starve somewhere."

"Uh..thanks, can I go now?"

"Wait...Steve, I'm sorry I pooped in your mouth. I thought Stevil was actually my wife a mask, but since it was you I'm sorry. I hope one day you'll forgive me and we can be friends again."

"I wouldn't count on it."

Steve goes back to standing still and waiting for someone to make him do something while The Caped Crusader vanishes with the black guy.

Guppy findu nuffin.

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