Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

Hunter Payne · **10-07-2016, 03:06 AM**

OOC: For those who have never seen Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, I highly recommend it. This is a parody of his show.

Hunter is on a set that looks very similar to John Oliver’s. With Joy off to the side, this might be a little different from the podcasts. He sits at a desk made out of awesome material he has no idea about. He gets ready for war in a very comfy chair he also knows nothing about. The background resembling a beautiful metropolitan area. Hunter flips through what looks like a script for a few seconds before chucking it. He doesn’t need that shit. Lights, Camera, Action!

Welcome to Next Week Tomorrow! I’m Hunter Payne, and I am accompanied by my beautiful wife Joy! First things first, John Oliver if you’re watching, this is a parody, we love your show, please don’t sue.

Now onto business, it is has been circulating around the XWF that the Hart Champion Ghost Tank is a terrible person and nobody likes him. We have never met him, but I overheard him the other day, and he sounds like a whiny little piece of shit. Take this strangers advice, and get your shit together Ghost Tank!

Next, Mr. Kitt-Kat Kennedy, is the new number one contender for my future championship. Good luck Kitt-Kat. Hopefully, you’re more intimidating than your name suggest.

Mia Dim, Dimallisher, you name sounds like an as-seen-on-tv sex toy. You had a real brief argument with my wife, probably because she demolished you so quickly. You seem like a real piece of shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if you and Ghost Tank are tag partners. With your unpolished attitudes and ignorant beliefs, it looks like a match made in Heaven.

Dolly Waters, what else is there to say? You’re 12, and you’ve yet to mention me or our match. Are you gonna show up? Are you grounded? Do you have Saturday school? Doesn’t matter. I’m going to beat you like your parents should have!

And now, Joy with How is THIS a thing?

We switch to camera 2 off to the side where Joy is standing.

Frodo as a General Manager. How the fuck is THIS a thing? He is probably the least qualified person the roster to run a show. Seriously! You wouldn’t leave a child molester in charge at middle school would you? But you’d leave Frodo Smackins in charge of your talent? What kind of fuckery is this?! You couldn’t give Wallace Witasick or Miranda Tigris a call?! XWF, get your shit together! So Frodo as a General Manager. How the fuck is THIS a thing?

We pan back to camera 1 so Hunter can focus on his main story for the night.

Tonight’s main focus, Paul Heyman or as others might know him, if Danny DeVito and Joe Pesci had a Jewish stereotype for a son.

Let’s not focus on Paul’s failures as a businessman, or how many people in this industry hate him because of it, for now let’s just talk about present day Paul Heyman. Now I know some of you are at home saying, “But Hunter, you’re wrestling Dolly Waters tomorrow, not Paul Heyman.” But am I though? If you were a stranger looking in, it would seem like after our back-and-forth promos, Paul Heyman and I would be the ones wrestling. Take a look.

Sound bites of Paul Heyman begin to play.

Paul Heyman Said:but somehow! Someway! You proved the naysayers wrong, you overcame the odds and you won!
Only you’re not a winner, because the prize awaiting you is nothing less than your certain demise. The prize waiting for you is a five foot one, seventy-nine pound, blood thirsty animal, an indestructible slayer of the weak, a young woman who laughingly bathes in the blood of those who dare oppose her… Awaiting you, Hunter is Dolly fucking Waters.

Anyone ever tell you that you should be a used car salesman Paul? Because if you can oversell a used car with the same effort you’re trying to oversell Dolly Waters to everyone, then you might actually find a job that you’re good at!

Paul Heyman Said:“And this time Hunter? It’s going to be much, much worse, because my client is an absolute Savage. How fitting, right? She’s a Savage, and you’re but a little miniscule blimp on her radar that she will plow through like she’s the goddamned A-Bomb dropping on your Hiroshima ass! Confused, Hunter? Maybe it wasn’t racially specific enough for you since you’re obviously Mexican, not Asian, and I know that type of shit burns your sensitive ass up! Silly me!”

Wait, What? Did you think I would understand that or did you just recycle some Asian threat you’ve said before? Like, what were you thinking would be the end result of you saying that? Were you going for shock or stupidity?

Paul Heyman Said:You know what the number one trend worldwide was Saturday, Hunter? It certainly wasn’t: #shittyassdisneyworldlaughingstockbullshit

The number one trend worldwide was: #dollywaters, just like it will be every Saturday night for as long as my client desires to hold the Television Title. And Vinnie Lane and Frodo Smackins know damn well that what I’m telling you is the unassailable truth, why else do you think Vinnie again stacked the odds against my client? Threatening to strip her title if I get involved? Because they know you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell bucko.

Congratulations on being the number one contender Hunter, because Saturday your ass and your jaw belong to Dolly Waters. I just hope that Joy can get you out of there while you’re still alive.”

Okay, now first of all, I don’t think you know how hashtagging works, because “#shittyassdisneyworldlaughingstockbullshit” is WAY too long of a hashtag, and I get that you were just being a dick about it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re joking hashtag is still WAY too fucking long! Learn how to use social media before you come up with a social media insult.

Now, on your second point, Vinnie Lane didn’t make that ruling because of your client, he made it because you are an annoying weasel who was questioning his authority, or were we not watching the same show?

And if you aren’t going to be involved in the match, then why the fuck are you still cutting promos for the match?! That makes no fucking sense! You don’t see Joy cutting my entire promo for me while she banned from ringside. Hell, you never see her cutting an entire promo for me anyway. Do you know why? Because I am a professional wrestler. Is your client?

Paul Heyman Said:Suck my dick, Hunter.
Is this the way you decide to go about trying to insult my client? By sitting around and rambling about me with that half-witted Kardashian clone with half the tits, half the ass and two quarters the talent.
Pssst hey Joy, that also means half!

“Suck my dick, Hunter.” Did I hit a nerve? You sound less like a manager and more like the Republican Nominee for President. You both do have a lot in common too! You both love New York, you both spew out the first thoughts of garbage that come to your head, you both are egotistical old men with awful hair, and you both need to be moved far far away from society as soon as possible.

You’re right Paul, normally I wouldn’t spend this much time talking about my opponent’s manager, but normally my opponent’s manager doesn’t spend this much time talking about me, so you made your own bed on this one Pauly.

Oh nice Kardashian zing, I guess. He really got you on that one Joy. Because apparently the Kardashians are dumb so that makes you dumber than dumb! Clever, not really. I’ll tell you one thing, Kris Kardashian is a whole lot better at promoting her whore daughters than you are promoting literally any of your clients.

Paul Heyman Said:The only thing Joy is best at Hunter is popping the worlds tiniest tamale in and out of her mouth in record time, dumbass. You’re in line the for the biggest match of your miserable career and all you have to offer my client is the same bullshit we heard all of last week from Christopher Cross and Hello Kitty?

What do you think you’re really going to do to Dolly Waters? You wasted all of that time and you can’t even describe the ways in which you want to hurt her? The ways in which you ‘hate her’? You haven't got the spine, bitch, you haven't got the cojones to speak disparagingly, to speak violently against Dolly Waters, because you know it will end the exact same way it ended last time you thought you could skeet out a bunch of suave sounding shitter speak and still walk away from my client.

My client, Dolly fucking Waters pinned your bitch ass on her first day back in the company, taking your precious little Federweight Championship away from you, ooohhh I know it hurts, and I know how hard you worked to earn that title Hunter, and I remember how you cried to Vinnie Lane like a little after the match:

When Dolly bodied him, Joy and Hunter Said: Said:But I give you props Vince, because you're so bad at your job, that you made me realize something I'd never thought I'd say.

Joy: What's that?

Payne: I actually miss Paul Heyman running things around here.

Awww, I knew you loved me deep down.

Okay, there is a lot in that, so let me break it all down for you. First, I did say I missed Paul Heyman, but you aren’t the same Paul Heyman, as crazy as it sounds. The Paul Heyman I’m referring to would never say things like “popping the world’s tiniest tamale in her mouth” and “I knew you loved me deep down”, because the Paul Heyman I knew wasn’t a

. I can only assume you got into an accident and became

overnight. It is the only explanation imaginable, to see you go from sounding like a boss to sounding like a gay version of Oswald Cobblepot.

Paul, you’re getting mad at me for not talking enough about your client, but are you getting mad at your client for saying nothing about me?

Yes, your client beat me randomly in the middle of nowhere, in what has to be the most questionable 3 count in XWF history. So congrats, do you know what’s different now? A wrestling ring and a prepared Hunter Payne. I still question the idea that Dolly Waters is actually a wrestler, I mean, the championships she has won, have been in the middle of nowhere. Who wants a fucking 12 year old creeping up on them? Joy and I were doing very adult things when she ran up on me. I would’ve called child services already but Hunter Payne ain’t a snitch. And the title she did win in the ring, she was practically playing hide-and-go-seek with herself until everyone else eliminated each other. And don’t get me started again on your clients lack of ability when it comes to producing a promo! For all these reasons, Dolly Waters is not a professional wrestler, sorry.

Regardless, I will see Dolly Waters Saturday Night to take what is rightfully mine, the Television Championship. I wish I could keep filing through all of Paul Heyman bullshit, but we are out of time tonight. Before we go, Joy has a special announcement.

We switch to camera 2 off to the side where Joy is standing.

Yes, we just got word a few hours ago that Night of Payne 3 is definitely happening in the near future! Get ready for the best night of the year. Until then, this has been Next Week Tomorrow, have a goodnight everyone!

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Next Week Tomorrow
Author	Message