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I felt a little nervous right now, I looked in the mirror and glazed at my reflection staring back me. I was wearing a green mask to represent Ireland with the shamrock printed the forehead. I stood in my hotel bedroom, alone and I was feeling some what anxious for the upcoming match live on Wednesday Night Warfare for the XWF Tag-team championships. Me and my tag-team partner, Robbie Bourbon will be teaming up to face two of the XWF'S top superstars in Unknown Soldier and Doctor D'Ville. It wasn't just a tag match, it was for mine and Robbie's XWF Tag-team championships. I had watched the promo's of D'Ville and Soldier, I had noticed something. I had to get it off my chest and it was time I spoke my mind live into a camera I had set up in my room. I look at myself one more time, feeling like a scene from 8 Mile, my palms are sweaty but I didn't have no spaghetti. I turn around and walk to the camera situated in my room, I take a seat to get comfortable and look directly into the lens. I feel the Irish coming out and decide to talk like Connor McGreggor.

Arby: Greetings earthlings
It is me, Arby-Wan Kenobi aka The Beefeater aka Barmy Arby aka Gonna chop Soldiers head off and shove it up D'Villes shitty ass. Call me Beef, Arby Beef. Arby who loves Beef, beef flavoured hula hoops, beef jerky's, corned beef, roast beef, beef flavoured Monster Munch, fuck potato shrimp, it's all about the beef and I don't squash the beef like Bourbon Beef's opponents do. I am here in Limerick, Ireland.

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Limerick is a major city in the Republic of Ireland, set in Munster province in the south of the country. Its compact old town is known for the medieval-era St. Mary’s Cathedral, which I visited earlier today. It was a fine place, that's for sure. I'm not a religious guy, I'm sort of in the middle, I wouldn't go and pray on a weekly basis, but it was interesting. The cathedral that is in honour of Jesus's mother, Mary. Now Unknown Soldier brags about Satan, supports the Devil and seems to approve of evil. If that's what you want to preach then of course that is up to you. But if you think that Evil conquers good then... What the fuck am I saying? I don't care about that nonsense, I didn't visit the cathedral, I drove past it and looked out the window. If you want to follow God and you want to believe in hell, then go ahead be a follower. I however, believe in Bourbon Beef.

Tomorrow I will drive past St. John’s square, lined with Georgian townhouses. Standing along the River Shannon, the 13th-century King John’s Castle is one of the city’s most recognizable sites. Will I stop? Who knows?! It depends how I feel, if I can be bothered. But I do have the luck of the Irish, my grandma and grandpa (not the one that seen me in spirit, he was my dad's dad) they were Irish, there is more of my mothers relations in Ireland. My mother has Irish relatives and the Irish are tough, they are fighters and Bourbon Beef are fighters.

People don't think Bourbon Beef have a chance in hell, that makes you people stupid. Hold up....

I grab my pint of Guinness that sat on the table, a quarter gone and take a large gulp of the famous irish drink, wiping the head from my lips (and mask) The taste of Ireland and the taste of victory. I reach over and grab my acoustic guitar, I begin to play Whisky in a Jar.

Arby: As I was goin' over the Cork and Kerry mountains.
I saw Captain Farrell and his money he was countin'.
I first produced my pistol and then produced my rapier.
I said stand o'er and deliver or the devil he may take ya.

Musha ring dumb a do dumb a da.
Whack for my daddy-o,
Whack for my daddy-o.
There's whiskey in the jar-o.

After singing with my talented voice, okay I kind of sucked. I decided to get my keyboard ready, the drum beat was set and as soon as I press a button during the song, it will kick in. I began to strum another popular song, Tenacious D- Tribute.

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Arby: I'm going to tell the story of how me and Roberto became tag-team partners.. It goes Something like this..

Long time ago me and my mate Robbie yeah,
We was hitchhikin' down a long and potholed road.
All of a sudden, there shined a tasty beef flavoured hula hoop
In the middle of the road.
And he said:
"Become the best tag-team in the world, and you can lick my hole." (Hole)

Well me and Roberto, we looked at each other, (not in a gay way)
And we each said. "Oh yay."
And we did the first thing that came to our heads,
Just so happened to be,
We became the Best team in the World, we are the best team in the World.
Look into the ring and it'll be easy to see,
Bourbon Beef destroyed S and D with the one, two, three,
It was destiny.
For about seven years or so,
No one could beat us, no, no, no,
It was the Bourbon Beef show!

Needless to say, the hoop was stunned.
Whip-crack, he went a bit stale,
And the hoop was done.
He asked us: "(snort) Is Soldier a homo?"
And we said, "Yay. He likes to bum men."
Cock!
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah,
Ohhh, whoah, Slurp- it up- oh!
We are just, The Greatest Team in the World, woah.
This is our Distribute.
Your going to remember The Greatest Team in the World, yo, yo.
This is our Distribute, oh, we're The Greatest Team in the World,
All right! We're The Greatest Team in the World,
D'ville is shite! We are the best muthafuckin' team, the greatest team in the world.

And the peculiar thing is this my friends:
The team you see tomorrow night, won't do no wrong.
This is just a distribute! You gotta believe it!
And you will be there! On Wednesday Night Warfare.
Ah, fuck! Good God, God lovin',
So surprised to find you can't stop it.
All right!
All right!"

I finish strumming thus ending the song. The keyboard continues to play as I try to turn it off quickly. God damn it! I turn it off after pressing the incorrect button a couple times in panic. Phew! I take a deep breath and continue, still portraying my attempted Irish accent.

Arby: I am Arby Beef, the new guy who likes to prove people wrong! Under the mask, is just a young, handsome face, not that any of you two clowns know what young and handsome is. The tag titles is my first championship, which is a great start in my XWF career. I am ready and I can't wait to get in the ring tomorrow night.

So all of a sudden the quiet Unknown Soldier won't shut the fuck up. He is forcing the people to listen to tireless rants and watch bedtime promo's, putting the XWF fans to sleep. In one promo, the XWF'S dumbest Xtreme Champion, refers to me as the Mystery Competitor? When we all know my name is Arby Beef. Is it that hard to figure out considering I dropped a promo way before your anorexic ass did anything? It states on the XWF website: Unknown Soldier and Doctor D'Ville VS Robbie Bourbon and Arby Beef for the tag titles in an Xtreme Rules match. Where did you see it say.. Mystery Competitor? I'm glad Roberto told you where to stick it. I am attempted to call you a but that would be an insult to ! Arby Beef is the name, you thick twats, stay with the programme and stop spitting shit. Jeez. Jee- Whizz. You or that fucking Mongolian, D'ville never even mentioned me in your first promo's. Both as special needed as each other! It didn't and still doesn't say you two are facing Robbie in a handicap match does it?! It feels like Bourbon Beef are facing a pair of handicaps though!

Yes I watched Doctor Satan defeat three mediocre, pitiful teams. I mean one team had Lord Reever and John Black? Glad you're proud of that! The second team had Gilmour, who is currently in a rut, a losing streak that he can't get out of. The third and final team you fought, had GT. We all know how GT is the biggest but softest giant the XWF has to offer. Don't act like you pair of cocksuckers beat established tag-teams. You want a medal? Well fuck off you ain't getting one but one you can have is a first grade slap, courtesy of the Beef. Both of you that is. I have Robbies back, he has mine and together as a unit, we are unstoppable. This is your opportunity to face a real team, a team that might not be established either but hold the tag titles and will still have them after Warfare goes off air!

Soldier, I am a man who admits responsibility, I apologise for giving you more credit than you deserve by calling you a former Universal champion. A statement that I got wrong, Soldier has never been good enough to win the top prize! And to be proud of trying to collect some stupid briefcases instead of actually becoming Universal Champion, is idiotic in itself. Well done, bravo!

To simply call Doctor Satan an incredible team is in fact a lie. I hearby give you all the evidence:
I don't know why you put your own partner down like that, Soldier? Telling us not to speak about D'villes defeat to Alexis Riot. A wench who you say you easily beat. Wow.. You really are a great partner, making your team mate look inferior to you. Doc fucked up, he couldn't get the job done but I, Unknown Soldier beat that bitch with ease. Are you going to take that Doc? Me and Robbie are a team, we are equal to each other, we are both fuckin' awesome and that's why we are going to succeed! Doc, you just take that swipe on the chin, let your partner make you look incapable.

Soldier, also referring to what I just said... Alexis Riot beating Doc? Well she was the underdog. We spoke about Ginger Snaps cuz one we can and two we can. It was relevent in all aspects of the conversation because again she was referred as the underdog against Gilmour. Bourbon Beef, the tag-team champions are classed as the underdogs but that's fine, it will make the victory that much sweeter!
Get it now? You dumb, inbred, brother bumming Prick!

You called me a numerous of times too and then you threaten to bum rape me? I think you proved you are a raging homo with that statement. Your cock loving cock, I will cut off and ram down D'villes throat. No one threatens to do gay shit to me. You say you don't care who I am? After Warfare, you will have no choice but to care and Doctor Satan will remember Bourbon Beef!
P.S 6 + 6 + 6 equals 18. Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrz!

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