Robbie has recently been handed a note from Vanessa Gibson pointing him in the direction of Billy Paladin for the sake of learning new techniques to use in a submission match. Vanessa left with Blue, Robbie's supposedly estranged ex-girlfriend.
CUPCAKES AND JIU JITSU
We open to see a city street in Washington, DC. A vendor is posted at the corner, with t-shirts that say "Washington DC", bearing the seal of the President of the United States, and the logo of the Washington Nationals. A jogger makes their way down the sidewalk as three men in suits walk past them, possibly discussing any manner of political details. There are families, most likely tourists, walking the street, all looking somewhat impressed with the nation's capital with an underlying sense of regret that they didn't just go to Disneyworld. A group of cyclists riding in formation make their way down the street as the distinctive "WHUURRR WHUURRR" of a Metro Police Cruiser is heard in the distance. Rounding the corner, we see Robbie Bourbon and Ash, Robbie's personal hair stylist.
I hope you're hungry!
I am! Seriously, we've passed like eight restaurants.
Well, we're going to Paladin's Cupcakes and Jiu Jitsu, they're on the Travel Channel!
I want a cheeseburger.
They don't serve those there.
I know!
Well, this is a part of my training, and you volunteered...
I know I volunteered, Blue isn't here anymore and I thought we'd grab lunch.
Robbie stops. He turns to Ash to say something, but turns and keeps walking.
Things are different now.
If you say so. I'm still super hungry.
Well, I'm sure Billy will give you a cupcake, he's a sweetheart.
Ash looks less than pleased as Robbie continues to walk down the street. They step into a crowded bakery which also has a wrestling ring in it. As soon as they do, a man comes running out from the back. Billy Paladin himself greets Robbie with a massive hug.
Oh, woah woah woah, Billy, a little snug there, good to see you bud!
Billy backs up, grasping Robbie's hand and shaking it. He turns and bows to Ash.
Hi Billy! It smells good in here!
Billy smiles, not saying a word, and gestures to the counter. He then looks back inquisitively at Ash.
I can have one?
Billy grins and nods. Ash squeals giddily as Billy turns back to Robbie.
None for me, thanks...
Billy puts his finger on Robbie's lips, causing Robbie to jerk his head back and make a weird face. Billy then takes his finger and points at the ring.
Oh, you already...
Billy blinks and nods, still smiling.
Well, let's get to it.
Robbie and Billy step into the ring.
So, Vanessa said you could help me polish up on some holds.
Billy shrugs and quickly entangles Robbie in an abdominal stretch.
Woah, shit, damn, that's working a few kinks out right there...
Billy quickly transitions into an octopus stretch as the people in the crowded bakery all start to watch as Billy Paladin starts to wrap Robbie up like a birthday present.
Ooooh, ow, ow, ow, ow...
Billy Paladin then swiftly transitions and takes Robbie down, slapping on an ankle lock.
Jesus! How am I supposed to learn this shit, you're just...
Billy rolls over Robbie, transitioning into a crossface.
Fuck. This. Hurts...
Billy transitions into a guillotine choke.
Fuck this...
Robbie methodically gets his feet back under himself and lifts Billy Paladin up, who cinches in the choke deeper.
...
Robbie struggles to breathe as his face turns bright red, meanwhile hooking both his arms between Paladin's legs. Robbie plants Paladin with a Robbiebomb, but Paladin does not let the hold go. Robbie lifts again, and delivers another Robbiebomb. Paladin releases the hold and transitions into a triangle choke while on Robbie's shoulders.
You were one hell of a student, Billy...
Robbie drives home another Robbiebomb, and lifts Billy a fourth time, the triangle choke still applied.
But now you face the...
As Robbie tries to speak, he passes out due to a complete lack of oxygen and collapses. Billy releases the hold and gets to his feet, rubbing his back. He grabs a bottle of water sitting on the ring apron as Ash approaches the ring holding a very ornate looking cupcake with shining sprinkles.
Damn, Billy, what'd you do to him?
Billy smiles and shrugs as he pours the water on Robbie's masked head. Robbie comes to, and groggily sits up on the mat, looking around the bakery trying to regain his bearings as Ash sinks her teeth into the cupcake.
Not bad, Billy. You always had a flair for the technical side of things.
Billy helps Robbie up and performs a circular motion with his finger.
Again?
Billy smiles and nods in assent.
Okay, but this time...
Before Robbie can finish his sentence, Billy has maneuvered Robbie into an abdominal stretch again.
God damn it!
Robbie counters the abdominal stretch by hip tossing Paladin to the mat. Robbie then just grabs Billy's head by pressing his palms on either side of his temples.
Okay, you silent sumbitch, let's practice some phrenology.
Robbie, no! Billy's your friend, you can't just eat his brains, he won't tap out.
Robbie pauses for a moment, then looks back at Ash.
I'm not eating any brains today.
We see the muscles in Robbie's arms go rigid as he continues to apply pressure to Paladin's temples, squeezing Paladin's cranium in a cranium crush/Kona clutch. The people in the bakery look mortified at this brutal hold. In short order, Billy Paladin taps. Robbie releases the hold, and Billy rubs his noggin.
That, Ash, is just the Phrenology Claw.
Billy smiles as he gets back to his feet, giving Robbie a thumbs up.
Pfft. I don't have enough time to learn how to do a beautiful hold, Billy, I reckon I'll just stick to my guns.
Billy pats him on the shoulder. He then points at Robbie, then into the heart of the ring, then shrugs with his hands high in the air while nodding his head 'no'.
You mean my mystery opponent? It doesn't matter, Billy. Whoever they are, they're just going to get the beating of a lifetime.
Billy rolls his eyes and puts his hands up, holding up six fingers.
Yeah, so what, I'll get beat on by some Cubans before the match starts, but a fat lot of good that'll do my opponent.
Billy puts his hands on his hips, looking in disdain at Robbie.
What?
I think he doesn't like your plan.
My plan?
What the fuck do I need a plan for? This isn't some scheme, or some plot, or anything special at all. I'm just a guy going to get what is rightfully his; the Intercontinental Championship. Pest and the Hand have run off into some dark corner of fuck-if-I-know, Blue has left me, I can't get in touch with TJ Wallace, and I gotta defend the XWF Tag Team Championships with Arby...
Robbie raises his eyebrows and crooks his head slightly while looking at Billy, who rolls his eyes and shakes his head 'no' very quickly.
...who may or may not be up for competing after so much down time since we won them. Besides the fact I have had that prize slip through my fingers more times than I want to count, and I know it was twice but having it happen once was too fucking much, I have absolutely nothing to lose. I have no reason to fight for anything else at this point, so let the damned Cubans have their little beat down, let them do a two-step over yours truly before I have to stagger into a ring and have every joint and bone in my body tested by some lunatic who likes cutting people up and has a thing for Sprite, which while a fine product in the Coca-Cola family, is definitely not Coca-Cola.
Robbie, Billy, and Ash all reach for the floor and pick up opened cans of Coca-Cola. They toast each other, have a swig, and place the cans back on the floor, all while making sure the logo faced the camera.
I'm Coca-Cola. I'm the name you see everywhere, that's on everyone's lips, that's being said daily at gas stations, restaurants, and your local grocer.
My name is Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon. You're going to remember that name. It's the name of the man who had a name in the fight he won after taking whatever the vicious bastards that Lane has no doubt handpicked to punish me for my strong negotiation style when reworking my contract and taking home the mother of all severance packages. Nobody will remember your name, because nobody cares what it is, least of all me, because...
Billy stops Robbie by putting a hand on his shoulder.
That's idiotic.
Robbie seems taken aback as Billy Paladin speaks.
What was that Billy?
Billy smiles and nods 'no' again.
Robbie, you have plenty to fight for. You fight for me, and Billy, and all these people here to get overpriced cupcakes and hope to be filmed buying one so they can tell everybody on their Facebook to tune in and see them on TV. You fight for frat boys, school nurses who are morbidly obese, Parrot Heads, yoga instructors who don't know what the word 'yogi' means, angry liberals, frustrated conservatives, broke mothers, overpaid athletes, and people who drive SUVs.
What are you saying?
Billy and Ash point at the wall, where an American flag is hanging on the wall. Robbie knits his brow and clenches his teeth for a moment. Suddenly, his eyes go wide.
Hello, America!
Robbie shouts at the customers in Billy Paladin's Cupcakes and Jiu Jitsu. They all scream and wave back, thinking they're going to be on TV. Well, TV other than XWF broadcast. They probably don't care.
I WILL GO TO CUBA AS AN EMISSARY FOR ALL OF YOU!
The crowd screams again.
I WILL DEFEAT MY OPPONENT!
The crowd goes nuts again, as we see people coming in off the street to join in the commotion.
Let me tell you the tale that plagues this here superhero, Robert Bourbon by name, no not Robert Deniro, not here to arbitrate like I'm Robert Shapiro, just to carry on, here goes, to win by submission is my mission lest I face extradition from a Cuban inquisition is the aim of my career, yo, so settle in and listen up while I shoot to thrill on Doctor Zero.
Who?
My opponent, I think.
Oh.
I'm pretty sure the odds are greater than zero so I'll go on, I'm greater than the Zero, positive like the proton, this sumbitch would've done well just to have stayed gone, I'ma take that psychopath, crush his skull, make Cubans fawn then pose with Barry O. on the White House lawn for being the model American that y'all can depend on. I'm coming with down the ramp like a rabid rottweiler, territorial lyrical beguiler, Robbiebombin', Neckwreckin' spinal defiler, my loyal Bourbon Men, and my mute buddy's a smiler, you're just a sad freak named Stevie Tyler, or is that just the guy you call your income tax filer? And that, sir, is the truth, sir, you're in quite the jam, I push rhymes like they're a baby in a pram and I also possess Earth's Mightiest Chokeslam, you're a head case with a slow pace, losing the human race, flooding us with parlor tricks like that shit isn't spam in the XWF, all you fools buying Halloween shit and eating it up like canned ham, like I could give a damn, I bring it strong like caveman, Bam Bam, you want to be spooky like I'll stammer and scram, but you're going to get your fucking teeth coming out of your asshole, a fragment or three of nose cartilage sticking out of your eye socket, and you'll tap out to the Phrenology Claw, because I'm Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon, and like Popeye before me, I am what I am.
Fuck your Sprite. Let's win one for the good ole' U.S. of A.
The crowd in the bakery goes wild, chanting "U.S.A! U.S.A!" at Robbie, as none of them care that Doctor Zero is from South Carolina. Through the colossal windows at the front of the bakery, unbeknownst to Robbie, we see the A-Team van painted to look like the Ghostbusters (1984) car pulls up, and Blue is grinning as she sees this. Beside her in the passenger seat is Vanessa Gibson.
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