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Travis McCoy · (03-17-2016)

The following may or may not be based on a true story.

Back when I was driving a truck I got stuck in a truck stop in El Paso for a weekend. I'm listening to the CB and I hear this guy, The Wolf Man. This guy is talking about taking a party bus down to Jaurez, the kidnapping capitol of the world, for a night to a strip club, or a bar, or something, he wasn't very clear but he said wet t shirt contest. I hadn't seen a pair of tits in the flesh in 6 months so I decided fuck it, I'm going. I ask him how safe this is. He tells me

“Never lost one down there that didn't want to get lost. There is a guy going with me tonight that went last night, fell in love with a lady down there, say's he's gonna bring her back.”

This didn't seem likely

I show up at the place a few minutes late and the party bus turns out to just be a dirty late nineties van. I get in this and it's full of truck drivers only going by their CB handles out of shame, Nascar, Rodeo, Keith Urban, Nickelback, those kind of names. The Wolfman is riding shotgun and some woman is driving, his wife I assume. He tells us

“Alright boys, you can have one girl in the room with ya for twenty minutes for eighty bucks, and two for an hour for 100.”

That boys and girls is when I realize our destination is a brothel, in the cartel capitol of the continent

Awesome.

We get across the border no problem. First stop

FARMICIA!

These fat ass truckers are buying all sorts of shit. Everything they could think of for cheap. Mostly stuff that leads to fun, uppers, downers, viagra. One guy, is buying blood pressure medicine. For his fucking WIFE. Dude is going to a brothel in Jaurez but still thinking about his wife's ticker.

These fucking guys.

We get to the bar and it's well, it wasn't bad. It wasn't anything super nice but hell I've been in worse places in the states. We all sit down at a table and the girls come over. Now boys, I'm nothing special to look at but in a group of these fatass truckers, I'm a dime. Every girl looks at me as an easy night. Hell the might even save some money on lube because with a body like mine they might do it naturally. Every girl is coming to me before moving to the others guys, but I don't want my dick to rot off and I remember where I am. I politely tell the girls no gracias and they move on.

We all start drinking and next thing you know I'm playing pool with two half naked mexican prostitutes who don't speak a word of english. I start to realize this bitch is working me. She's roughly 40 but she's held up really well. Great rack, nice ass, and she is getting me to buy her drinks, she's 'accidentally' brushing my dick when she walks past. She's asking me every now and then if I want to go into the back and I keep telling her no but she's persistant and goddammit if she didn't convince me after a few to many shots of tequila.

One problem, I didn't bring enough cash.

Or maybe I did and I'd already spent most of it.

It was probably the latter.

I go ask the Wolfman where the nearest ATM is, and that I'll walk.

“Fuck no you won't son. This is Jaurez, we've got security here for just that reason”

He directs me to security. Guy is a 5'7 mexican dude who might have been 17. Regardless, I follow him to his car which is a 98 pontiac bonneville. I got in the passenger seat and tried to put on the seat belt. The buckle has been torn off and the belt has been tied back together. I look at Pedro.

“Is fine. Is fine”

We go to the ATM and low and behold the mother fucker won't give me money. I stand there bashing the buttons over and over and it's not fucking working. I look at Pedro.

“Is fine. Is fine.”

We go back to the club and I tell wolfman what happened.

“You good for it?”

“Ya.”

“Fine I'll give it to you but I know who you are, I know what truck you drive. I'll find you son.”

I believed him. Guy gives me the money and me and the Senorita head to the back. We walk into a room with a bed, I wish i could give you more detail but that was it. There was a bed. As soon as we close the door there is a knock. I open the door and it's fucking Pedro.

“Condom, five dollar”

Pedro, security and condom dealer. This fucking guy eh?

They're fucking charging me five bucks for CONDOMS. Not five pesos, five fucking dollars for a condom. Now in my head I think about this. They probably started the pricing hirer but dumb asses where saying fuck it and going bareback so they worked there way down to five dollars and realized that was the highest price guys were willing to pay to keep their dick from pussing. Think about that for a second. Do you know how much shit you can get for five american dollars in Mexico?! I don't but I assume it's a lot. I buy two.

“Thanks Pedro, get the fuck out”

“Is fine. Is fine.”

So me and the girl go at it. She blows me for a bit, but I only paid for twenty minutes and I've been drinking and I'm not leaving with out getting a nut. So we get to business. It's everything you expect fucking a cheap prostitute in Mexico to be She's moaning in Spanish, DIOS MIOS, AYYY PAPPI, FUCK ME PAPPI. Bitch even managed to fake her orgasm at exactly the same time as me. She earned that money. We walk out and all other guys are sitting around a table waiting to leave. The look at me, I look at them. Shame setting in, no one says a word. The girl I was with walks out and sits down at the bar. A Mexican guy see's her sitting there and walks up to her greeting her like an old friend. They chat in Spanish for a minute and he begins deeply kissing her mouth that had my dick in it not even a half hour before.

“Is fine. Is fine.”

The room is dark except for one bare light bulb hanging from a cord on the ceiling. Travis stands under it but the light is poor and all we can really make out is his face.

“Forgive me for my late arrival, I had a rough week. And, you know, this isn't really my bag. This over the top gimmick, the tone these promos are going to take. It's not really my thing. I'm broody and stare daggers into people. I'm bitter and I curse a lot, and not in a Seth Rogen kind of way, I curse in a Quentin Tarantino kind of way. I didn't really want to be on Shove It, but I am. This won't be happening again. I don't like this stuff. I don't like a match where shitting on a flag is a way to win. It's not my...thing. I'm booked and I'm going to do my part.

Fuck it.”

The light bulb explodes and the room is plunged into darkness.

“I'm going to do it like I do everything.

Really fucking well.”

The lights come blazing on as the guitar hits and Travis stands in the middle of a massive room. He's wearing an Uncle Sam suit and it's fucking glorious. It's open down his chest showing some sweet fucking chest hair that appears to be shaved into a bald eagle. #chesthairbaldeagle. The room is full of American shit. Guns, ranch dressing, Bert Reynolds, prisons over run with minorities, Canada .#canadaisamerica. Chicks with their twats out serving McDonalds on silver platters. I swear to fuck there's a guy in the corner who looks just like George Washington fucking Marylin Monroe. Not a girl who looks like Marylin Monroe, he's fucking her corpse #yuck #toofarTravis #cancelXWF There is an army red white and blue of wacky arm waving inflatable tube men and because they're so close it looks like they're fighting each other. IT LOOKS LIKE THE WACKY ARM WAVING INFLATABLE TUBE MEN ARE FIGHTING!

“I'm gonna do it for AMERICA. Enjoy this cocksuckers because this Travis is a once in a life time occurance. I'm gonna have some fucking FUN. I'm gonna talk about HASHTAGS, and I'm gonna give a fuck what Kim Kardashian does. I'm gonna buy a people magazine and vote for Donald Fucking TRUMP. Because that's America and America deserves it. I'm gonna get offended when people don't agree with me. I'm gonna watch FOXNEWS! We're good at a few things and one thing is being super obnoxious about how great we are so you cunts better enjoy this because it'll be over before you know it.”

“FUCK YA.”

“I fucking HATE Peter. I hate his fat skinny ass, but for one week I'm gonna pretend like I like him and that he's worth my fucking time. Because America needs us!

LETS KILL DEM GOOKS PETER!”

The music screeches to a halt, the wacky inflatable arm waving tube men deflate, girls put there twats away. George Washington gets soft and looks over his shoulder at Travis.

“Not cool dude.”

…

…

…

FADE

REVERSE FADE

Travis is sitting in the aftermath of the party. Trash and a fair amount of cum litters the room. There is spilled beer and nacho cheese everywhere. Travis has changed, he rented that suit by the hour. He sits backwards on a steel folding in the middle of the disaster he created.

“I tried, I tried to play the wacky wrestler guy. Now I need a shower. It's not that I don't appreciate what that guy represents. It's not that I don't enjoy what Shove It is. It's that it's not really me ya dig? I am here, I am booked and trust me Petey you'll get my best, and for one night only I promise not to intentionally put you on your ass. NKWR and Maverick don't stand a chance. Is Maverick Korean? Did I miss something? He very well could be and I'd have no idea. I listened to a promo of his while receiving a blow job from one of the waitresses earlier but I didn't really look. I picture a Top Gun kind of thing. Was someone called Maverick in that? Ya I think so.

I'm not going to do this out of any sort of pride for my country. It, like most things, sickens me. I'm going to beat the shit out of Maverick and NKWC because it's what I'm paid to do and it's what I love. I'll let Pete handle the grand patriotism.

It's just not my bag

I'm more of a Mexico guy myself.”

FADE

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