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~~Sweet Cheapshots~~ · (04-16-2013)

{Episode 008}"The one in which our hero is going back to Cali, Cali, Cali"

"Here we are yet again. I feel like I've really gotten to know you quite well over these last few weeks. I'm starting to enjoy your company. I hope you're starting to enjoy our story as it slowly unfolds and you can see all the wrinkles. See, that's where it's interesting. Those little creases in the fabric. The lines that are narrow and sometimes never cross. You can almost be blinded by the brilliance of them. Ah, I'm going on one of my tangents again, I apologize. Stop me next time. I feel we've built enough of a rapport now. Anyway, we're back in the City of Angels. A city where the lights are just bright enough and on a cool, spring evening, a young girl from Idaho will come out and try to make a dream happen. It all starts here. And that's where our story will begin this week. As always... we join... already... in... progress..."

Sweet Cheapshots Fun Fact #729:
Sweet Cheapshots lives vicariously through himself.

The location: The home of a one Sweet Cheapshots Time: 3:17pm PST

We begin outside as a black Range Rover comes up the sharp incline of the driveway. It parks in the bend near the garage. Engine dies. Driver's side door opens and we see polished, black high heels touch down.

We widen to show Natalie Foxx, she sweeps her hair back as she removes the sunglasses from her face and deposits them in her purse. We track behind her as she heads up the front walk. She pauses at the front door and enters the security code.

~BLEEP~ ~BLEEP~ ~DENIED~

She frowns. Tries the code again.

~BLEEP~ ~BLEEP~ ~DENIED~

Natalie Foxx: "What the...?"

She tries the code a third time. Denied again. Now she's pissed. She hammers on the door with her fist.

Natalie Foxx: "Sweets! Open the door, so help me god or I'll --"

The door swings open and a hand snatches her by the wrist and before she can even yell in surprise it's yanking her inside. We're in the foyer of Sweets' house now and we find Cheapshots wearing shorts and a bullet proof vest over a gray tank top. Natalie straightens her suit as she looks at him annoyed.

Natalie Foxx: "You want to tell me why you changed the code on the door?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "Safety precaution."

Natalie Foxx: "From what? And why in the hell are you wearing a bullet proof vest?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "Dikembe and I are hiding out from Joe Rogan."

Natalie Foxx: "I thought you told me before we left New York that you smoothed everything over with Joe."

Sweet Cheapshots: "That may have been a lie --"

Natalie Foxx: "Jesus --"

Sweet Cheapshots: "--and before I knew he lived in LA. I didn't think there was a possibility I'd see him again."

Natalie Foxx: "What's the damage?"

Sweets digs into the pocket of his shorts and pulls out his iPhone. He scrolls for a second and then holds the phone up between them.

Joe Rogan (Voicemail): "Awww did little baby go running back home? Is he scared? Here's a newsflash, McFly. I live in LA! I personally plan on fCENSOREDing you worse than guys in prison. I am going to find you, hurt you, and make you drink my piss. And it won't even be good piss. It'll be like after I've been dehydrated over a long weekend, high off my ass on Oxycontin, drinking nothing but salt water and Moxie. Rogan out!"

Sweet Cheapshots: "I have yet to determine which is more disturbing -- that he wants to make me drink his piss or that he wants to fCENSORED me like a guy in prison."

Natalie Foxx: "The salt water thing seemed a little intense."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Agreed."

Natalie Foxx: "I need you to put Joe Rogan out of your mind for a moment and so we can talk about Wednesday."

Sweet Cheapshots: "I can't think about wrestling right now, Nat. Joe Rogan is out there. Some where. He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until I'm dead."

Long beat and then --

Natalie Foxx: "Did you just do a monologue from Terminator?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "...yes. How was it? I felt like I rushed it."

Natalie Foxx: "Let's just say commercials are still a ways off. Can we talk in your kitchen?"

Sweets sighs and motions Natalie to follow him. As we cut down the hallway and into the kitchen we can see that Sweets has made a fort out of his couches in the living room. Dikembe smiles and waves as they pass.

He takes a seat up on the stool in front of the island in the kitchen. Natalie passes him over a brown folder and Sweets opens it as he glances inside.

Natalie Foxx: "Wallace released the card today. You're in the Main Event."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Against who?"

Natalie gestures to the folder in front of Sweets.

Sweet Cheapshots: "This guy? For real? I thought you were just showing me a picture of a guy with sub-tits wearing a half-tee that says 'Who farted?' to show that anyone with a GED can get hired at Costco.

Natalie Foxx: "And I've shown you pictures like that before because...?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "You tell me, Nat. You tell me. Christ, this guy looks like he's smoked a few cocks in his time."

::Due to the family nature of the show this portion of the scene will be played again but edited for content.::

Sweet Cheapshots: "You tell me, Nat. You tell me. Christ, this guy looks like he's smoked a few cockfighters in his time."

Natalie Foxx: "This isn't someone to take lightly. He's established and one half of the tag team champs."

Sweet Cheapshots: "Right, cause that means something here. There isn't even a tag division. I can go buy the same belt he has off ebay and call myself tag champ. But seriously though, this guy looks like a Craigslist hook-up gone awry."

Natalie Foxx: "It's not the best picture of Gilmour, I admit, but it's all I could find on short notice."

Sweets holds up the photo of Gilmour and twists it into the light.

Sweet Cheapshots: ""He sorta looks like one of those guys who puts peanut butter on his balls and has his dog lick it off.""

Natalie Foxx: "That is a very uh... astute observation there, Sweets. Glad we have you in moments like this."

Sweet Cheapshots: "I don't think I've even seen this guy around before. I feel like I'd recognize a face like this."

Natalie Foxx: "Not even in the locker room?"

Sweets puts his hand to his chin and thinks...

~FLASHBACK FOUR WEEKS AGO~

We're in the locker room of whatever arena XWF is in that week. We find Sweets near the entrance to the open sink area of the bathroom. He's quietly tying his boots. Suddenly, we hear a cranky voice yell from the next room.

Janitor: "Ah, goddamnit! How many times do I have to tell that fat tub of sh** Gilmour to stop shaving his balls over the sink. The sink probably has crabs now."

Sweets looks up, perplexed.

~FLASHBACK THREE WEEKS AGO~

We're in the locker room of whatever arena XWF is in that week. We find Sweets near the entrance to the open sink area of the bathroom. He's quietly tying his boots. Suddenly, we hear a cranky voice yell from the next room.

Janitor: "Jesus, Mary and Joseph. What the fCENSORED is wrong with this guy?! Who takes a dump in the middle of the carpet like this?! I thought someone was going to make sure blockhead was housebroken."

~END OF SEQUENCE~

We're back at Sweets house as he shakes his head.

Sweet Cheapshots: "No. Nothing I can recall."

Natalie Foxx: "Well, you're both from the area, maybe you've run into each other around downtown LA?"

Sweets pauses as he thinks...

~FLASHBACK TWO WEEKS AGO~

We find Sweets and Natalie standing in line at a sub shop waiting to order.

Sweet Cheapshots: "You're just jealous. Have you seen how awesome this chin is? Seriously, I could crush a grapefruit with this."

Natalie Foxx: "Would you just order please?"

Sweet Cheapshots: "I'd love to but Chunk from the Goonies up here is taking forever. I'm loving the sweat stained half tee by the way."

We move up the line where we find a portly man practically spitting on the counter clerk as he orders.

Portly Pete: "Just... just give me all the ham. I only want ham. Yes, that's right. Pack it into that loaf of bread you see over there and then drizzle that tub of oil onto it. Also, mayo, lots of mayo, but... do NOT forget. Ham. I just want enough ham to feel like I'm eating an entire pig."

~END OF SEQUENCE~

Back in Sweets' kitchen as he's shaking his head.

Natalie Foxx: "Oh! I think his mom or his grandmother was in New York for the UFC event last week. She was talking to reporters about him. Ring a bell?"

~FLASHBACK ONE WEEK AGO~

We're back in the Hilton in New York city. A group of press has gathered around an elderly looking woman with sagging breasts where her belly button should be. She's got a shock of white hair and stained teeth. In the background, we see what looks to be Joe Rogan cutting in front of Cheapshots.

Mama Gilmour: "Let me tell you about my son, Patrice... PATRICE! PATRICE! Come here! You know I can't stand for long before my tired, old cankles begin to hurt. Anyway, my son Patrice -- he always hated that name -- he's a good boy. A little doughy in the head sometimes, but that's to be expected. You should've met his father. He was one of the best guidance counselors I ever had. That's why I married him. He's passed on now."

~END OF SEQUENCE~

Back with Sweets and Natalie. None of this is jogging Sweets' memory.

Sweet Cheapshots: "That was his mom? I remember seeing the interview. She talked about how he spent the first six years of his life being raised by raccoons in a garage and sleeping in a suitcase. It's why he's scared of black people."

Natalie Foxx: "Oh, you HAVE to remember this. That little bar we went to after Warfare..."

~FLASHBACK ONE WEEK AGO~

Rowdy, raucous New York bar. Full house. Loud music. Glasses and bottles clinking. Thousand conversations at once. We find Sweets and Natalie at a high top table near the front door as they share a drink together. Suddenly, the bar door is KICKED open and a man in a tight leather jacket, a bad haircut and a potbelly stands there surveying the room as everyone quiets down.

Patrice Gilmour: "I'll fCENSORED anything that moves!"

We hear a cat screech from somewhere.

~END OF SEQUENCE~

Sweet Cheapshots: "Wait... is that how your cat got pregnant?"

Natalie Foxx: "What? No... uh, never mind."

Sweet Cheapshots: "The only thing that guy is fCENSOREDing is his fCENSORED doll he made out of butter and shotgun shells."

Before either can say anything else a loud CRASH like the sound of metal crunching is heard from the front of the house. Both exchange looks and Sweets goes running with Natalie bringing up the rear. Sweets gets to the window in the foyer first.

Sweet Cheapshots: "Oh, sh**!"

Natalie Foxx: "What?!"

Sweet Cheapshots: "It's Rogan!"

Natalie Foxx: "What was that crash?"

We follow Sweets' line of vision outside where Joe Rogan has crashed his Jeep into the rear of Natalie's Range Rover.

Sweet Cheapshots: "Uh, nothing. He hit a tree. Quick let's get to the fort!"

As Sweets runs from the window we can see Joe climbing out of the Jeep. He's got a baseball bat in hand and is wearing dark sunglasses. He starts to approach the house.

To be continued...

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