The Black Hand has traveled through time to undo the series of fuck-ups that led to DC being backwards and all but destroyed. They have arrived on the day the pink slime was originally confronted.

Then Pest spoke to mark the occasion.

THE BLACK HAND SAVES WASHINGTON

We open to see both pairs of Robbie and Pest sitting at a table, staring at each other. Finally, future Robbie, as noted with vomit stains on his shirt, and future Pest, as noted by his fancy ski suit, speak in unison.

Pest: You both have to disappear.

Future Robbie and Pest look at each other and smirk. Past Pest and Robbie shrug, turn around, and head down a hallway in the dojo.

Pest: That was remarkably easy, Robert.

We're easy to get along with. You can always tell when someone is well-informed...

Pest: I know, I heard.

Gotcha. So, we just sit here and wait?

Pest: Perhaps. I have a matter to settle with some of your Bourbon Men.

Morbid Angel enters the room, leading Cyberjaw and Diamondback in by their ears.

Ow ow ow ow!

Hey, what are you doing with my guys?

"They know too much."

Cyberjaw and Diamondback look utterly deflated, like a kid waiting to see the principal in school. Robbie sits with his arms folded.

Pest: Which one of you geeks thought it was funny to mess with my toiletries?

Diamondback points at Cyberjaw.

He did it!

Cyberjaw looks like he's ready to cry. Pest produces the container of Gold Bond marked 'Old Bond'.

Pest: Do you think it wise to laugh at the expense of Pest?

Cyberjaw, I'm surprised at...

Robbie stops and looks at the Gold Bond. He takes the container and sniffs it.

I use this stuff too.

Pest: This should not be a surprise, Robert. We are professional athletes.

"I love Gold Bond. I use it before taking a Godshot."

Robbie wretches, recalling his experience with the Godshot*.

Oh, fuck you Morbid, for bringing that up again. But, if we all use Gold Bond...

Robbie runs out the door with the container of Gold Bond, followed quickly by Pest and Morbid Angel. Cyberjaw looks at Diamondback.

Why did you snitch?

Dude, I don't want that big motherfucker getting pissed with me!

Robbie and Pest continue to jog down the hall and get into the van, where Morbid Angel is waiting for them already.

Wait, how did you get here already?

"We raced. VICTORY FOREVER!"

Whatever. Pest, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Pest: Are you thinking about taking wood screws and slowly turning a Philips as they sink in between the fingernail and fingers of Cyberjaw?

Not at all. Get in, let's roll.

The Black Hand tears ass towards the pink slime wall, again. They approach the wall, which shrieks, then calms down. Robbie takes the container of Gold Bond and squeezes, spraying the powder all over the pink slime wall. It instantly dissipates into nothingness.

Well, looks like we're not that evil after all, guys. It was just our choice in medicated powder!

Pest and Morbid look at Robbie like he's speaking backwards Chinese.

Pest: Robert, we are most definitely not good people.

Yeah, and I'm not a bad guy.

"He has a point."

Pest: So then what does that make us, then?

Robbie smiles.

We're the god damned Black Hand. We're whatever is needed.

Robbie puts his hand forwards. Pest and Morbid look at him curiously before he jostles his hand. They continue to look at him oddly.

C'mon, all in guys.

Pest rolls his eyes as Morbid gleefully sticks his hand into the circle. Pest puts his hand out, and all three men touch fists then raise them up in the air. Robbie turns and starts to walk back to the van.

Pest: What do we do now, Robert?

Hrmm. I dunno.



One week passes.

We open to see Robbie and Pest preparing to board their plane for Russia.

Pest: That was a much more relaxing week than I anticipated, Robert.

Yeah, I know. It's a shame I had to sit and watch all those Austin Fernando promos again, though. It was funny to watch him slowly go crazy as the week went on, I guess the lack of sleep from constantly not getting fired, and I seriously had no idea his job was on the line I just wanted to watch him squirm, but I guess the lack of sleep drove him over the deep end. Did you hear towards the end where he was just kind of hollering about how we were being defensive? He even confused me with Cain.

Pest: I would slap the taste out of his mouth if he called me that.

Robbie shrugs.

Brother, if you think he's in a bad way now, just wait until after the show when we walk out of the ring the one, true XWF Tag Team Champions of the Universe.

Pest: I think Peter will take it a little more to heart.

Peter's a fucking dink with no cock. Luca's a head case with a problem with the nose candy. Dim is just a Trump puppet.

We hear a muffled sound coming from Robbie's back pack. It unzips itself, and out hops the dick of Peter Gilmour.

That's right. Peter Gilmour doesn't have a dick. I'm my own dick now, so I make my own decisions. That date you set me up on was swell of you, Robbie. Unfortunately, that spy sub we were after got away. I am ready, though, for your next assignment.

Pest looks at Robbie with narrowed eyes. Robbie looks back at him wide eyes with hands raised as if to say "I didn't pack that". Robbie turns back to the dick of Peter Gilmour.

Alright, bud, what I need you to do is get on that airplane that's departing over there, headed for Sri Lanka.

Okay, and once I'm there...

Once you're there await further instruction, but Penis...

Yes?

This is top secret.

Okay.

With that, the dick of Peter Gilmour stealthily makes his way towards a group of nuns, crawls up on of their legs, and waits to go to Sri Lanka.

Pest: You live a very strange life, Robert.

It's all in the company I keep.


*As explained in the Adventures of Morbid Angel, check your news stands!