~Horizontal wave in front of her beaming smile~ "Good morning, everyone! Thank you so much for joining me today."


"Is it alright if I do one of those facetime sessions where I just talk straight to you guys without any type of scene or anything?" ~angled smile, brow curved~ "Who am I kidding? Of course it's alright - I'm the Goddess of the CCWF and proud member of the demolition crew that's been leaving XWF 'elite' broken and minced beyond any fantasy of repair, and I'm also the most emphatically gorgeous woman that has ever graced your television, computer, phone, tablet, or whatever type of screen you're watching me on."


"I'd like to share a quick thought before I really get down to business this morning - you see, I had the perfect song lined up to have playing as background music during this little chat: 'Back For More' by the band Pyramaze, but that was when I was planning ahead and assuming by the time today came around, our beloved Giuseppe Jones would have been pelting me relentlessly with his air tight trash game and" ~laughter held back~ "seamless logical liquidation." ~shrugged shoulders, feigned bewilderment~ "But much to my disappointment, here we are on Saturday morning and he's nowhere to be found! Gasp!" ~a literal gasp with hands tossed up follows the word~


"So how am I justified in using a background song that talks about someone being 'beat up and broken like waves upon the shore, but still coming back for more?' Lyrics referencing a number of reasons to give up, even though the victim keeps subjecting themselves to more?" ~middle finger tapping gently against those pursed lips~ "Hmmmmmmm, I guess I was wrong in thinking this precision-lacking mouth breather could muster up the manhood to try and go toe to toe with the best all week long."


"Here he was firing straight out of the gate the moment our match was booked, flopping - not dropping - his first promotional video for our match and going right for the pussy kick between my smooth, toned, perfect legs in his opening statements as if he were some big bad bully who was going to make Abigail and I run in fear. Then, before he can even blink, I've already got two responses airing live across the CCWF and XWF networks that gutted him so thoroughly you could see his entrails starting from the tip of my home state of Florida, splattered and stretched all the way up to the northwestern tips of Alaska; and the sad part is that poor schmuck was so fat he still had enough left in him to circle the entire world if he'd have only had the balls to go head to head with a woman all week." ~disgusted, contemptuous glare~ "But you know what? Screw it; I'm still using the song I want because he's not even worth having to re-think the background music for this shoot."


"I hope you're listening, Code Red, because if you make the same mistake Lazy G did and you choose the route of puking up unsavory insults about 'boring stories' instead of coming up with a more enthralling and inventive means of thrashing verbal barbs, I'm going to turn your promos and match footage into an endless comic strip of hilarity and humility that leaves you feeling like such worthless trash you'll be considering suicide before you even step into the ring with me. I'm hoping at least one of my opponents this week isn't some random rookie they dragged in just to make inane remarks and be the bane of every quality roast lover's existence with how devoid of thought and proper planning his entire routine has proven to be on his first day." ~leaning in, tilted head~ "And here's a free tip, Code Red… for the love of all that you may hold dear or worship, if you're going to film some sort of murder scene with fake blood - remember to use a god damned camera with color so we can at least see how red it is instead of having to wonder if it's just motor oil." ~a sickened roll of the eyes and wayward gaze~


~Light laughter still looking far left~ "So now that I've made myself clear on what kind of quality I expect, let's have some" ~turning head forward and smirking~ "real fun!"


~Snaps fingers~


"I've sent out a team of investigators to track down and spy on Giuseppe Jones to see just what exactly he's been doing the last couple of days."


~Snaps fingers~


"I've hired a morbidly obese stunt double to take part in some humorous scenes just so we can all get another laugh at Giuseppe Jones' expense since he's too lazy and cheap to give us more laughs himself."


~Snaps fingers~


"I've used my magical powers as a Goddess to just create scenes and images at will, depicting Lazy G in some entertaining moments since he robbed us all of anything even distantly captivating when he uploaded his first piece of trash production."


~Snaps fingers~


"Take your pick from the list; the point is I'm going to take this time to get ridiculous and just make fun of what an embarrassment Jones is to himself and to the wrestling industry as a whole. Why not, right? It's not like I'm in any position of taking damage this week so I might as well just show some pictures to give you all a better look into the type of 'man' Giuseppe Jones really is!"



"Let me start with the obvious - we all have seen how sickeningly fat he is; I mean even his face alone is often times too large to allow the top of his head or anything below his neck to make it into the shot."




"This effect often times has him appearing to be intimidating or flat out overwhelming in a sense, yeah? Take a look."

"Yes yes, of course you're very scary, Mr. Jones." ~all the shivers, those breasts shaking and nearly escaping the loose fitted top with a revealing slit cut down the middle~


"We're terrified, Giuseppe!"


"Until we watch a promo of yours,"



"And hear you try to trash talk,"




"At which point, it's…"

"Well well well, people, isn't it amazing how when you take a couple steps back and get a full view of what's really going on and size this piece of trash up properly, you realize he's doing all the work for you? Go on, Giuseppe - keep on squeezing on that windpipe or yours. Show us how it's done!"



"Show us how to properly play the incredibly unique role of a fat schlub who is supposedly some kind of enforcer for the mafia and also just happens to be a murderous butcher. Y'know, because that's so believable as you try to pass that off as who you really are while calling other people's real life situations boring stories."





"Oh no! I think he heard me! Look!"

"Yeah, I said it. Your gimmick is a joke."




"And now we know why he hasn't been anywhere within 100 miles of one of his butcher sets to film his second promo. He's speeding away faster than a group of women throw themselves out of his gravitational pull as soon as they take one look at him."

"But hey, as least you have to give him some credit for trying to look cool and collected while he's driving in the opposite direction of his greatest fears in life."



"He looked a lot more self contained there than he does in, say, this shot we caught him in."




"Brace yourselves."

" … "



"Where do I even begin?"



"Hold on, I just got a text message…"



"Stop the presses! We've just received word that Giuseppe Jones has finally put his second promo of the week together and he's asked me to do him a favor and show some clips from it so it actually gets seen by more than four people."




"Sure, Giuseppe, what are friends for? I'd be glad to help you get some views. Let's take a look at some of the best moments of his brand new promo."

"Hmmmm, it seems like some off camera chatting got caught there by the crew helping him film his promo. Was that really the whole thing?"



"Yes."




"But luckily we've uncovered some bonus footage for your enjoyment. Let's take a look."

"Wow, really? Nice shameless self promotion there too. Grindr, eh? That explains a lot actually."



"What if you try a little harder though?"




"What happens then?"

"Ok… sorry I asked."



"So somehow trying to rack your brain for something better has caused you to break out into a massive sweat and for some reason caused your shirt to rip? I think we've seen enough."




"Let's go ahead and call this a wrap."




"Wait, what was that? You say it's not a wrap?"





"Well then by all means, Lazy G, tell us what it is then."

~Enthused clapping!~ "Why, you're right! That is a cookie!"



"Now, want to see a piece of cake?"



"Me making you my bitch all week long and straight through Warfare. Ta-ra, teddy bear!" ~kisses blown~





Disclaimer: No fat wannabe Italians were harmed during the making of this production. The camp (or kitchen) of The Butcher Giuseppe Jones has had no official involvement and may take no credit for any of the preceding pieces of footage or freeze frames.