Robbie Bourbon is what some would consider to be a superhero. Not the mega-powered variety, for certain, but behind his bluster and chutzpah lies the heart of a hero, willing to put himself in danger for some abstract notion he refers to as "the people".

Last Wednesday night Robbie survived being run through with a sword in a losing effort to former champion Steve Davids, the former Universal Heavyweight Champion, only to be brutally attacked by LeStrange following what would have already killed a normal man. He's currently the tag team partner of Trax, holder of a 24/7 Briefcase. This Monday, in his first appearance competing on Monday Night Madness, Robbie and Trax will be contending for the vacated XWF Tag Team Championships.

But before all that...

A BANK HEIST IN PROGRESS.

We open scene to show, of all things, what appears to be a bank heist in progress. Masked men armed with sub-machine guns patrol the floor of the bank, keeping patrons on the ground and maintaining crowd control. A guard lies dead on the ground in a pool of blood, most likely the victim of said SMGs, and quite a few of the people are actually in hysterics while stuck with their faces on the floor. We see the bank vault is wide open, and another masked man is seen walking out of the vault. He holds up a walkie talkie and speaks softly into it. He listens for a reply, then signals for another man to walk back into the vault with him. The other masked gunman grabs a hostage, an elderly woman who is staying remarkably calm considering the circumstances she finds herself in.

"C'mon, grandma, get your old ass up and get it moving into the fucking vault, now!"

The gunman pokes the gun into her back as she coolly walks towards the vault door. As she enters, she is seated on the floor of the vault while the other masked man with the walkie talkie confers with a woman. She has long brown hair, is very buxom, and is also holding a walkie talkie. The gunman leaves and the brunette approaches her.

Look, lady, we don't want to hurt anybody. You just sit here, nice and quiet, and you'll be back to your Antiques Roadshow in no time.

The buxom brunette and the masked man with the walkie talkie leave the Vault as Jim Beam, the ghost of Robbie Bourbon's brother, appears within. The old lady screams.

Woah, sorry! You should be more quiet!

Jim fades out of view as the brunette and the masked man with the walkie talkie re-enter.

What was that?

The old lady looks up at him.

I saw a ghost!

The brunette rolls her eyes.

A ghost? The only ghost in this vault is the soul I'm talking to right now if they don't keep quiet!

The brunette and the man leave again, and as soon as they do, Jim Beam reappears. The old lady faints.

Oh shit. It's Janice.

---

AUGUST 2002

We see a home video shot on actual tape, the time and date saying 15:66 AM AUG 20 02. In the background, we see a young Robbie Bourbon totally rocking the Fred Durst look. He's sitting on a deck with a group of, well, shlubs. There's a sickly looking humanoid Twinkie wearing a red bandanna, a gaunt pale kid with a ton of acne, a younger Jim Beam, who looks almost identical to how he did in 2002, and beside him a few girls his age who are rather pretty, if not bored looking. The gaunt kid turns to Robbie.

So, you ready for training tomorrow? You're eighteen now. You and me, Homeless Jimmy!

Hell yeah! That's going to be sweet!

The young Robbie puts a beer can to his lips and takes a guzzle of Budweiser. A woman's voice is heard from behind the camera.

That's right, sweetie, your uncle and granddad could drink at 18 so you enjoy that!

Thanks, Aunt Kathy.

Yeah, thanks Aunt Kathy! Hee hee! *snort*

The Twinkie fellow awkwardly stares at the chest of one of the girls after saying this.

So, dude, when is the rest of the party going to get here?

Huh?

The rest of the party?

Oh. Well, I invited like forty-five people on myspace, so they should get here.

Yeah, Robbie, this party rocks!

Homeless Jimmy takes a sip of Budweiser, though not as hearty as Robbie did.

That ain't how you drink that!

Robbie puts the can to his lips and knocks the entire beer back, spilling a consistent drizzle of liquid piss water on his Big Dogs t-shirt. He slams the can down on the table and lets out a loud belch.

Yeah, fuck yeah Robbie!

One of the girls puts up her hand for a high five, and Robbie shyly looks at her and limply puts up his arm to return the gesture. She shrugs and slaps it good and hard. The other one rolls her eyes.

Jim, when can we leave?

Hey, it's my brother's birthday, you know?

Okay...

Hey, Bob, is it cool if we come back a little later?

Yeah, dude, there's definitely more people on the way!

In the background a doorbell rings. Robbie's eyes light up as he jumps up from his seat and power walks to the front door. His aunt posts up with the camera filming into the foyer from the kitchen. As Robbie opens it, his voice cracks as he speaks.

HI. Man, how are you, it's awesome to see you here!

A young woman walks in, looking like a 13 year younger version of the woman robbing the bank. She awkwardly grins at Robbie.

Uh, hi. So where are all the people?

Another young woman walks in with sunglasses on, looking bored and smoking a cigarette.

The fuck is this place?

Robbie snags the cigarette from her and throws it out the still open door.

Sorry! Sorry, there's no smoking here, my aunt lives here.

You live with your fucking aunt? Lame. Janice, I'm going outside.

'Kay, Veronica, I'll be out in a second.

Robbie's face contorts at the mention of this.

Uh, I thought you were...

Look, the camp was fun and all, Robbie, it really was, and I think you're a really special person and look forward to whatever your mind can create. I gotta go.

She stands for a moment, waiting for a response as Robbie turns around and starts to sob. The young woman and future bank robber, Janice, awkwardly nods her head no and turns around and walks out the door following Robbie's untimely emotional display.

Sweetie, what's the matter?

Robbie is still sobbing as he wipes tears away from his beet red face.

RRRRRRRAAAAA!

Robbie roars as he marches past the camera, which spins to catch up to him walking out the back door and back onto the deck. The camera follows along as Robbie actually pulls a Steve Austin with two beers. Everybody screams in approval, save Jim's bitchy friend, and Homeless Jimmy walks up to Robbie and slaps him across the face. Robbie giggles and slaps Homeless Jimmy, who rubs his chin in pain afterward. They walk down some steps into a lush grassy lawn and begin to tie up.

---

We cut back to present day to show, speeding down the highway, what looks like the A-Team van painted up to look like the Ghostbuster's Ecto-1 complete with flashing blue lights and all manner of inexplicable paraphernalia atop it as the sound of it's siren blares. It zooms off of Exit 10A off of 395 as we see the Washington Monument, surrounded by scaffold for maintenance, in the distance on this sunny afternoon. Soon, the van pulls up behind a police barricade that is surrounding a bank. The van stops, and the back door slides open to show Robbie Bourbon, who steps out. Some of the police turn and look.

Ah, hello good citizens, I am Robbie Bourbon, how can I be of assistance?

Sir, back away. This is a dangerous crime scene and there are hostages inside.

Yep, yep, I saw on the news, drove here in my spiffy new van.

Oh, really? Well, Mr. Bourbon, you and your spiffy van are intruding on a police investigation.

What's to investigate, you dolt? There's bad guys in there!

One of the officers steps forward and takes their helmet off. She calls out to the rest of the cops.

Let him take point. Go get them, Murphy!

Bourbon.

Go get them, Bourbon!

Cyberjaw, the man with the cybernetic jaw, along with a few other nameless Bourbon Men, step out of the vehicle. Cyberjaw walks around to the back of the van and opens the rear doors to reveal a small mobile lab and computer station that folds out. Suddenly, Jim Beam, Robbie Bourbon's ghost brother, appears. This startles one of the police officers, who opens fire on the specter in front of them. The bullets pass through harmlessly and strike Robbie, well, harmlessly, and all stray shots pepper the van itself as the rest of the Bourbon Men take cover behind it. The shots stop as Robbie looks over his shoulder at the damage to his new vehicle.

God damnit! I just got that painted!

Robbie turns around and walks up to an officer who is reloading and snatches the gun from his hand before he has a chance to finish. He looks up at Robbie, dumbfounded, then back at his pistol. He reaches out for it before having his wrist slapped sharply by Bourbon.

No. Bad policeman. You get this back after you learn to not shoot at things all willy nilly.

Robbie walks up to another officer and hands them the clipless handgun.

Damn, sorry dude, bad timing on my behalf.

Well, yeah, but you're already dead so I guess I can't be mad.

Thanks. Bob, don't go in that bank.

Why?

Just, don't go in that bank. You won't be able to handle what's in there.

From behind the camera, we hear the voice of Blue.

What's inside? A dude with a flamethrower?

No, it's...

Jim leans in to whisper into Robbie's ear. Robbie's whole head perks up as he hears what he's saying.

What the fuck is it?

Nobody.

Who?

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it? You stupid fuck! I care about you, I love you to death, and you always just run around putting your fucking neck on the line for no real reason other than you get your jollies making people happy and you're not creative enough to pick up a guitar. What the hell is going on, and you tell me right now!

Robbie's eyes go wide as several onlookers also share the same wide-eyed visage.

Her name is Janice.

What, is she your ex or something?

No, we never dated.

Bob had the biggest crush on her.

I was an awkward teen.

You're an awkward man.

Truth.

So, you had a crush on this chick, so what?

He had the biggest crush on her, and she knew about it.

You told her?

Yeah.

Wait, you just up and told her you had a crush on her?

Yeah.

Well, that was very forward, but...

It was awkward.

Well, what does that mean?

Robbie looks at the ground in thought for a moment before looking back at Blue with a regained sense of focus.

Nothing.

Robbie walks past the police car lineup and towards the bank entrance.

---

We see the inside of the bank again as the front door swings wide open. The armed men all point towards the door and fire, showering glass from the door's panels. As the criminals empty their weapons, we see Robbie Bourbon charge inside towards the closest shooter, throwing an overhand right directly into his forehead and dropping him to the ground. He immediately dashes towards the next gunman and grabs the weapon from him, smashing him in the skull with it. As he drops, the final gunman finishes reloading and picks up a hostage, putting his gun to their head. The other masked man with the walkie talkie and Janice step out of the vault.

I don't know who the fuck you are, but if you don't stop now this guy is going to splatter bank patron all over the place.

Robbie glances at Janice, then at the masked man with the walkie talkie, then at the armed thug holding the hostage. He shrugs, slaps the clip from the weapon all the way into place and fires on the other armed man, hitting him in the wrist. The barrel of the weapon pointed at the hostage flies skyward as the gunman drops. Bourbon then points the firearm back towards the unarmed man with the walkie talkie.

Oop, don't do that, he'll get mad.

The masked gunman drops the walkie talkie and doffs his mask to reveal a hideous array of eye stalks out of his head. They all shoot beams at the gun in Robbie's hand, which disintegrates.

Shit!

Robbie blows the dust towards the abominable looking man with the crown of eyes, causing most of them to shut. Robbie charges him and grabs his arm, twisting it behind his back in a hammer lock. He then lifts the man up into the air and slams him head and shoulder first into the marble floor of the bank lobby. He turns to Janice.

Well, you're just special, aren't you? Well, I don't know how you dodged the bullets of these pathetic henchmen, but point blank...

She pulls a revolver out of a concealed holster and points it directly at Bourbon and fires. The smoke from the revolver's barrel wafts away as Robbie looks cross-eyed at the bullet lodged between his eyes, then simply plucks it off of his face. Janice lowers the weapon.

Robbie?

Bourbon glares back at her silently.

Oh my god, why are you here? Don't tell you you've come to be one of my henchmen. How did you know I would be here? Jesus. Well, you maintain crowd control, I've almost cracked the vault. I guess it's a good thing you are here, you being bulletproof and all. Seriously, though, how did you find me?

Robbie takes his mask off.

I didn't. You called me out.

What? Oh, wait, don't tell me, you're playing for the other side now? Shit, I'd heard of someone running around D.C. helping little old ladies across the street and pulling kittens out of trees, but you? You're, like, supposed to be legacy or something like that.

Things change.

Well, that's true. Don't you remember the camp, Robbie? We were partners there. We were amazing together. You were the brawn, and I had the brain. I mean, we won the hostility award for best political assassination together. Think about it, Robbie, we're special together. We can take on the world together, and with you by my side there'll be nothing that can stop us! I don't know what kind of operation you have going on right now, but I guarantee you, I have full union backing, I have no problems funding myself, all the latest and greatest tech, you name it. Plus, Robbie, it's me. How can you forget me, how can you stop caring about me? I know you need someone who will...

She's immediately cut off by a right cross that drops her to the floor from Robbie, leaving her unconscious.

I hate villains that monologue.

He scoops her up and tosses her over his shoulder and carries her out of the bank as several patrons begin to stand up, questioning how safe they are now that all the would-be bank robbers had been knocked out.

---

Robbie walks the ring set up by the cops and places Janice on the hood of one of the D.C. Police cars. He then walks past the barricade and to his van. He approaches the camera directly, and it fades to black with muffled sounds of clothing rubbing against the microphone as Robbie embraces Blue.

I love you, you're amazing.