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The Reverend Tholomew Plague · **08-28-2015, 09:58 PM**

The day replays in my head over and over,

Trevor left me,

Trevor hates me......

I don't understand why?

I couldn't bare it anymore, the deception, the depression, demoralization, I just couldn't take it......I had to tell him, for better or worse, I had to tell him I loved him. I just couldn't take concealing the truth from him anymore. The pain was impossible, I was drinking more and more and I hated myself.....So, a week after Ashley's death....I told him, I am been trying to see how he would react all week and everything seem to be going fine but then....he snapped, he verbally attacked me. Said if I ever went near him again he would kill me. He left me,

Now I don't know what is worse, the pain that has subsided or the one in its place. Yet here I sit at the bar again....I just want to be happy again, was I ever happy? I could never tell, not anymore.

Yet here I sit, drinking my day away, God I am disgusting, I deserve to rot for this. I have an increasing want to die. Maybe it is for the best when you think about it, nothing would make me happier then to give in to death's temptation.

My time is not up yet though, so here I sit. Watching my day go by.......I've seen it all in the last few hours, gay couples, straight couples, lesbian couples, the list goes on and on

I think your brain forces you to notice how happy everyone else is when are having a shitty time.

It is like poison to your body, fueling you with an undeniable hatred to the rest of the world for being so happy when you are so brutally miserable.

Could I ever take this pain away, the Anti-Depressants aren't even helping anymore when I think about it, they seem to actually make my life worse.

Yet I keep going, day in and day out, drink, home, pills, sleep, nightmares, repeat. The same routine forever,

That, is what I believe to be the definition of insanity, a never ending loop of doing the same shit expecting a different outcome.

Do I belong like this, for how long, how long can I just sit here and drink my life away.....

Apparently a long ass time because I don't seem to be moving at all, I'm just, drinking, a lot, I feel like I am going to hurl,

nothing has changed.....

Hey, you look like shit, having a bad day?

I look up and see this guy towering over me like nothing is going on....

Bad day doesn't even begin to describe what I am feeling right now, you can sit if that is what you are asking.....

Thanks, that makes two of us, I went home earlier and found my boyfriend sleeping with a women, he claimed he was straight and had learned he actually didn't like me....

He had a boyfriend....

Well that sucks, names James......

Nice to meet you James, I'm Alex...

This guys nice, I like him already.....

We spent the day talking about each others shitty problems and having drinks.....it was actually enjoyable.

Then apparently I was so drunk I took him home and fucked him.

I can only assume that I fucked him because I woke up with my cock in his ass but I could be wrong of course......

Wait a minute....I FUCKED HIM!!!! Oh God what did I just do I don't even know this guy, he could have AIDS or something, fuck fuck fuck!!!!

I pull out and quickly get dressed......

Alright, I need to try to remember what happened last night, how the hell did I go from talking to fucking.......

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