Monday, April 20th, 2015
TD Garden Arena
Boston, Massachusetts
…Approximately One Hour After Madness…
We see Muddy Waters backstage drinking a beer, chest covered in blood from his leaking nose while he’s being worked on by a XWF physician. The doctor slowly wraps a bandage around Muddy’s ribs as his face twists up in pain…
“Damn Doc ya’ sure did slather that there hurtin’ cream on Muddy purdy thick… feelin’ like Muddy got bug guts just ah’ bustin out these here bandages…â€
“The damage done to your ribs is quite substantial, without an MRI I’m guessing some internal bruising and bleeding. Your pain levels must certainly be through the roof, but with all your…â€
The doctor looks up at Muddy as he chugs down his beer and crushes it on his head… he clears his throat before speaking again,
“…your, self-medicating… I doubt you’re felling the full extent of that pain.â€
“Hell… at’ ol’ British butt-lick aint hurt Muddy a’tall, hit like ah’ damned limp wristed Ragman.â€
“It’s going to take several weeks before you’re fully healed… I would suggest not wrestling for that duration until I’ve cleared you to go…â€
Muddy cuts him off,
“Hell with at’ Doc… aint ya’ watched tha’ damned show ta’night? Muddy Waters is tha’ new numba’ one contender fer’ Vinnie Lane’s Hart Title, and at’ aint ah’ sumthin’ Muddy’s ah’ willin’ ta’ just sit on. No way, nadda’ never, no how honey.â€
The doctor gives Muddy a blank stare, and blinks his eyes a few times before turning around and grabbing a little pill bottle from the counter behind him.
“Well, what do I know? I’m just a doctor… but I know how scrupulous this company is with their…â€
He looks up at Muddy who’s already cracked open another beer and guzzling it down,
“…talent. So if you’re insisting on performing next week I’m going to prescribe you some pain medication, Percocet, which will help bring those pain levels down. I would hold off though on taking any now, you’re not supposed to mix these with…â€
As the doctor is handing Muddy the bottle of pills, before he can even finish his sentence, Muddy has popped two of the percocets in his mouth, chewed them up and washed them down with his beer,
“…alcohol.â€
The doctor looks at the floor, shaking his head, maybe questioning why he ever got himself in a line of work which involved him giving advice that no one ever took. He looks back up at Muddy… expressionless as he says,
“Mr. Waters, please stand up and drop your tights…â€
Muddy chokes on his beer a bit,
“The hell fer’?!? Muddy’s ah’ bit young ta’ be getting’ any latex-efied fingers plugged up is’ poop-shooter.â€
The doctor rolls his eyes as Muddy drops his tights and pulls a syringe out from his coat pocket… he pushes back on the top a little bit, squirting some of liquid substance out onto the floor.
He notices right in the middle of Muddy’s left ass cheek is a poorly inscribed and fading tattoo that reads:
I
HAVE
AIDS
There is an indescribable look of befuddledness growing on the doctors face,
“Mr. Waters… is there something else we need to discuss?â€
"Dis-crust? Wudd'ya' talkin' bout'?"
"You have... AIDS?"
“Oh! Shoot fire no! Yer’ talkin’ bout’ Muddy’s ink job aint yah? Muddy got that there b’fore’ he gone’ up ta’ prison all them years ago… its ma’ fudge packer shield. Kept them lonely fellers down in PeeWee Valley outta’ ol’ Muddy’s cornhole.â€
The doctor sighs,
“Well…fortunately for the lot of us Mr. Waters, this isn’t rectal exam. I’m going to administer…â€
The doctor shoves the needle right in Muddy’s ass cheek, and injects the medicine,
“SOUIEEEEEE!!!! PIG FUCKIN’ FART FEATHERS!â€
Muddy begins stamping his legs and shaking up and down while the doctor struggles to keep the needle in place,
“…a steroidal injection, that should help heal the damaged tissue quicker.â€
“Stare-a’-roids? Aint that gunna’ make Muddy’s pecker get all smaller-fied?â€
The doctor looks around at Muddy’s front side, then up at Muddy,
“Not sure it could get much worse Mr. Waters…â€
Suddenly the door swings open,
“CON-GRADER-LATIONS DADDY!!!â€
In walks Dolly and Morbid Angel, both dolled up in eyeliner, lipstick and French braids in their hair; carrying balloons, noise makers and flowers. Morbid’s eyes widen as the party blower he was wailing on falls from his lips, his eyes becoming fixated on Muddy’s oddly erect and to-the-left slanting penis.
Morbid grabs Dolly, still starring at Muddy’s junk and covers her eyes, the helium inflated balloon she was holding falling from her hand and floating up to the stucco ceiling, popping loudly
“Lookie thur’! Y’all are tha’ ab-so-lute best! Doc, is’ be ma’ daughter Dolly and her baby sitter, Morbi…â€
“Mr. Angel and I have met… Mr. Angel, are you ready for your monthly colonic?â€
“I don’t know what that is… who the fuck are you?â€
The doctor sighs again. Muddy pulls up his tights and grabs his bottle of pills… his already impeded speech seems to be slurring a bit,
Dolly jumps for joy at the news and Morbid’s eyes light up as he notices the drugged up Muddy stumbling out the door… The three of them head to Appler-Beads.
Tuesday, April 21st, 2015
Dunkin’ Donuts Center
Providence, Rhode Island
…During a live XWF House Show…
Muddy Waters is in the center of the ring, smiling like a slow kid making fart bubbles in the bathtub at the wild crowd who’s roaring with excitement at his presence.
He’s wearing a blue shirt reading: Keep Calm and Fuck On, with the sleeves cut off and tucked into a pair of black blue jeans, on his head a dirty Kentucky Wildcats hat and dark sunglasses. After taking in the crowd for a moment he raises up his mic and speaks:
“My name is…â€
MUDDY WATERS!!!
The crowd full of non-life having internet fans roar in unison with Muddy as he announces his name,
“…yer darn tootin… AND THE GOOSE IS HANGIN’HHHHHIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
… in Providence ta’night!!!!â€
The crowd erupts into an absolute frenzy, this guy has an uncanny ability to work up a crowd.
“Now Muddy Waters knows good an’ well that there be ah’ plenty of ya’ out in this here crowd that have felt ah’ little bit like Muddy b’fore…
Been told ya’ inbred and stupid…
WHAT?!?
Aint ah’ shot in hell ya’ can do it…
WHAT?!?
But then call em’ shit talkin’ sissies some …kick theys’ asses an prove it!
...That there's what it'd been like fer' ol' Muddy Waters all his life, been kicked down like'ah' damned dirty dog on'tha' side of'tha' holler, spit on, told he aint good, or purdy, or smart, or sexy nuff' ta' ever be nuttin'... well all ya' ol' dick lickers can kiss Muddys' white ass.
Muddy heard tha' same song and dance all last week, that it aint ah' chance in hell that he was ah' beatin that tea sippin' fairy Karl Cross, well news flash fer' ya' doubtin' dick suckers, Muddy beat his punk ass plum back 'cross tha' Atlan-tis Ocean. At aint all either...
Ya' see Muddy aint had ah' clue until last night that his match ol' Karl was gunna' det-ter-min tha' new numba' one contender fer' The Hart Championship, but when tha' news broke Muddy stepped his game up to ah'nother' level. At's what Muddy does, and at's what Muddy'll do next Monday right in his very ring when yer' Stuper-Star of tha' Month of February Vinnie Lane, drags her skinny ass and Muddy’s title up here ta’ Providence.
Don’t get Muddy wrong…Muddy respects Vinnie Lane. Hell ah’ month ago I’s sittin on tha’ edge of my haystack watchin’ Vinnie win tha’ Stampede, hell she’s beat damn near erry’ rassler' under tha’ face of tha’ moon, there aint ah’lot Vinnie Lane aint conquered here in tha’ XWF… cept’ she aint stepped up in tha’ squred circle with ol’ Muddy Waters. Muddy’s done been ah’ hearin it already, at’ there be ah’ better chance of God lettin’ ah’ Gay inta’ tha’ Pearly Gates than Muddy Waters leavin’ Providence as tha’ new Hart Champion.
Well Muddy Waters aint ah’feared’ of no man, let alone ah’ former Joan Jett roadie turn’ rassler fe-nom whos’ gotta’ take two weeks off after scroungin’ up ah’ win over tha’ shortbus version of Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde. Vinnie Lane be tha’ last of ah’ dyin’ breed of leather pant wearin’ metra’-sexual pansy ass hair-band fan boys who done spent all day in theys’ momma’s mirror singn’ Damn Yankee lyrics and havin their asses kicked by tha’ highschool jocks on ah’ daily basis. Muddy was ah’ thinkin’ damn near fer’ certain that y’all had all done been killed off by tha’ hepra-tidus and tha’ AIDS germ…
Now Muddys’ knowin' good an’well that Vinnie is gunna’ cue up some sissy-fied promo runnin’ his lips bout’ how he’s so damn special, callin’ Muddy this and that type of redneck inbred slop jar, but what he’s gunna’ fail ta’ realize is that his little pecker gunna’ look more like ah’ camel toe in them spandex he stays ah’wearin’. Muddy aint expectin’ Vinnie Lane ta’ take him seriously, hell, maybe Muddy aint earned that there type’ah’ re-cog-nition from someone as pussy-pink polished as Vinnie Lane, but damnit after Mud-Day Night Madness invades the Dunkin’ Donuts Center, Vinnie…as sure as tha’ sun smokes, and sure as tha’ suns’ ah’ smokin’ yer’ gunna’ know what yer’ ah’ dealin’ with.
Yer’ dealin’ with tha’ Pride of Pike Co. Kentucky hunny’, who was ah’ put on this here Earth fer’ nuttin’ more than raisin’ hell, kickin’ ass, drinkin’ beer and breakin’ big bitch’s spirits. Its’ ripe time that Muddy Waters relieve yah’ of luggin’ round’ that there title that ya’ can barely fit round’ yer’ boney waistline and set it on tha’ shoulder of ah’ real man… Muddy fuckin’ Waters. Again… Muddy likes yah’ Vinnie, Muddy likes most yer’ taste in music, Muddy likes that yer’ ah’ good ol’ Amurican and ah’ fightin’ champion… there aint a lot that Muddy don’t like bout ol’ Vinnie Lane.
But Vinnie yer’ kite flyin’ days as Hart Champion in tha’ XWF are as good as gone. Tha’ fans of XWF are ah’ singin’ ah new tune, and it aint Twisted Sisters. Theys’ ah singin’:
‘God bless our boy from Pike Co. Kentucky, tha’ man of tha’ people, we’s ah’ tired of starry eyed glam rock assholes holdin’ tha’ peoples title hostage.’
Times are ah’ changin’ Vinnie, and here ya’ are stuck right in tha’ middle of it all… but don't’cha’ worry them purdy little walrus-stache hairbangs hunny’, Muddy is gunna’ be right here ta’ help make it easier than dead chicken pickin’ fer’ ya’. As ya’ move on ta’ workin’ tha’ lights at yer’ next Def Lepperd reunion tour, Muddy gunna’ be right here, kickin’ ass, takin’ names and ah’ raisin’ tha’ Hart Title ta’ heights it aint ah’ never been… least that ah’ way yer’ always gunna’ be able ta’ look over yer’ shoulder and catch the glow of Muddy’s regin shinin’ on yer face.
The scene fades with Muddy standing on the turnbuckle, chugging down a cold beer as the crowd roars.
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…kick theys’ asses an prove it!