Dick date. 31st of March, Dick time. 10:33pm. Dick meter. Drunk as a sorority chick at an all night kegger. Dick look good? Dick does.
I sit in a booth of my favorite club in Venice Beach, The Golden Cock. Yes, I own the club. Yes, there is a giant golden rooster out front. Yes, women drink free between the hours of 11pm and 1am. No! You cannot wear sandles in my damn club. I'm looking at you Dan! Fucking Dan. Thinking he can come in wearing damn sandles. Gah, people will think we're European in here, just need women with hairy armpits and men smelling of cheap wine and cheese and Dan will feel right at home. Moving on. The club's great, pretty busy for a weekday, but you know Californians. It's full of pretty, rich white people smelling of cologne and perfume, some of the dudes are wearing designer sunglasses indoors. Can't decide if that's cool or stupid, the club's pretty dark when you're not on the dancefloor, must feel like a blind dude in a minefield when the guys make their way to the bathroom. I take a sip from my third Manhattan. Let's say it's the best thing to be associated with New York, ever. EVER. Riley sits beside me in a full white suit and his favorite lilac ascot. His Cheetah pattern shirt buttoned halfway to show his mane of chest hair. I'm wearing my tailored Giorgio Armani black suit. I look like a million bucks.
"Dick!" Riley leans in and shouts into my ear, Mojito spittle hitting my cheek. Gross. The music is so loud I barely heard him with him so close, I loom at Riley who has those drunk eyes staring at me.
"Sah Rilo?" Woah, drunker than I thought. Let's try that again mouth. "Sorry, sup Riley? Second time's the charm I guess. Riley breathes in heavily, probably trying to not puke or something. We have been partying hard for a while.
"I need to take a piss!" Okay? "Come with me!" He can't be this drunk? No way I'm going into the bathroom with him.
"Nah." Not as poetic as I intended but it got my point across.
"Please Dick! I won't make it across the floor on my own." Riley makes a point as he pleads with me with puppy dog eyes. I sigh and take another sip of my Manhattan and motion for him to stand up with me, he smiles like a happy child and stumbles to his feet. I clasp my Manhattan as I walk away from the table, looking at all the fine guests dancing and chatting among themselves. A warm hand holds onto my shoulder, Riley's of course. I guide him through the crowds of people and take him through the long journey to the bathrooms. I feel like Dildo Baggins with Samantha Wise walking to Mt. Boom in the Lord of the Rings porno parody. I've never watched the original, doesn't seem sexy enough for me.
After a few minutes of walking we get to the bathrooms, Riley slaps my shoulder in comradery and enters I stand outside drinking my Manhattan, parched from the perilous journey. A woman, tanned probably Latino, catches my eye staring at me. Her short black dress showing off her spectacular body, boobs like a classy escort, butt that could make J-Lo make a double take, her legs could go on for days. She smiles at me, I smile back and raise my Manhattan to her. She seductively sucks on her penis straw. Subtle. I saunter over to her, yeah that's right, I fucking saunter like a goddamn fuck loving man. The club is playing my jam, literally, it's my hit song 'My Jam' it makes cooking sexy and fun. I walksaunter to the fine woman and hit her with my wanna fuck? Look. She giggles and extends her hand. I delicately grab it.
"I'm Mercedes." Score. Chicks named after cars and gemstones are always easy.
"Powers. Dick Powers. Nice to meet you Mercedes." I kiss her hand, she smiles at me. I'm so fucking smooth. 'My Jam' gets to the chorus, I decide to sing it to Mercedes.
"Hey there girl!"
"I should be the only Dick in your world."
"We could cook together the best we can.
"I'll bring the peanut butter, you can be my jam." She's like butter melting in my pan. Which is another line directly after the one I just sang.
"Oh my god!" Won't be the first time she says that tonight. Mind five! {SLAP} "You sang this!?"
"And wrote it. And performed it at the VH1 Music Awards."
"VH1 has music awards?"
"Yes!"
"VH1 is still around?"
"Uuh yeah!" Well Dick, they can't all be smart and pretty. Mercedes nods and takes a sip through her penis straw probably thinking really hard about ponies and stuff. "Hey! Wanna see a trick?"
"Sure!" Mercedes stares at my godlike complexion, totally psyched from this amazing trick I'm going to show her fine ass. I take the cherry that was sitting in my Manhattan and suck the thing dry, giving Mercedes a sex wink as I do. I throw the cherry high into the air and catch it in my mouth. I bat the cherry around in my mouth and chew off the.. Red. Ball. Thing. What do you want from me? I don't know cherry anatomy, I chew that bitch off so only the stem is in my mouth, twirling it around with my tongue aka second penis. I stick out my tongue at Mercedes with the stem lying there twisted into a perfect.. "Is that a dick?"
What? I pull the stem off my tongue and look at it, it does look a little like a penis. It was meant to be a heart, she should still be impressed dammit! More impressed even. I need to play this off. "Yeah. It's a penis, a dick from Dick." I hand the moist stem to Mercedes with a smile, she grins back at me. "And if you're lucky, that won't be the only dick you're getting from me tonight." Wink. Mercedes scoffs at me and playfully pushes my shoulder away. I am so in I might as well get naked now.
"Dick!!!" I ignore the scream of Dick coming from the bathroom, either it's some annoying fan or someone whipped out there tackle in the men's bathroom hoping for a Cincinnati Stranger.
"I have a permanent VIP room at the club, best champagne always on ice. Would you care to see it?" I lean closer to Mercedes, she smiles at me and raises her eyebrows, playing with her penis straw.
"I'd love too." Dick you've done it again you handsome bastard.
"DDDIIIIIIIIICCCKKK!!!!!!" Screaming for Dick once more, that's too loud, even that can't come from a friendly stranger offering someone a Cincinnati Stranger. Someone's in trouble! And if the cops show up at this club again I'm fucked!
"Uuh you okay?" Mercedes takes my attention away from the bathroom, I look her in the eyes. Then dart my head up to look at her actual boring eyes.
"Sorry my dear, but I need to go fix a private matter. Esteban el bouncer-o will show you the way to my VIP room." I raise my hand in the air and click a few times to get Estaban's attention, he sees me and starts to walk over. Is it weird that all my lackeys are Hispanic? My maid, cleaner, gardener, cook, bodyguards, club bouncers, personal valet, fluffer, personal shopper, chauffer, make up crew, dog walker even though I don't own a dog anymore, should really fire her. She turns up every Saturday and my butler turns her away. OH! Charles! He's British! Okay cool, not racist, although I do have a lot of Hispanic servants. Maybe I should hire a black dude, or would that be TOO racist? Maybe I'll hire John Black after this, he seems down on his luck, and it has been a dream of mine to own a cotton field.
"You called boss?" Esteban snaps me out of my trance, if I didn't call him over I would flay him for disturbing my thought zone.
"Ah Esteban, hola amigo. Show Mercedes to the VIP room poor favor-o." Esteban rolls his weird beaner eyes at me, sonuvabitch, and guides Mercedes to the VIP room, she gives me a cute wave and I smile back, watching as she walks away grabbing onto Esteban's muscular roided up arm.
"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAYYYYYYCK!!!!!!!" EVEN LOUDER NOW. Oops, mind caps lock.
"I'm coming!" No homo. I saunter through the crowd, my boner rubbing pretty harshly against my thigh. Damn these tight pants. I barge through the mass of people towards the bathroom, I swear to god if this is anything like the leather pants incident of 06' I'm going to bust a nut. I bust into the bathroom wear I see Riley on the cold tiled floor, his pants around his ankles. He looks to me with wet eyes and a red face. I'm worried now.
"Dick!"
"Riley?"
"Diiiiiiiiiickkk!!!"
"Riiiilllleeeyyy!!!"
"Dick! My-my trousers Dick. They won't fucking work anymore!" This isn't drunk Riley, he must have took something.
"What's wrong Riley?"
"They're too far away from my hands Dick. And my legs.. They're so fucking long Dick, the science doesn't make sense!" Christ, why does shit like this happen when I'm going to dip my dick in puss?
"Riley, have you tried moving your legs up closer to you? Or bending down to pull them up?" Riley looks at me, still sobbing with saliva coming from his lips and snot coming from his nose. Thank god this bathroom is empty. His eyes go wide, as if he's had a great epiphany. Riley struggles on the floor like a wounded turtle on his back, I reach my arm out to help him but pull it back. He needs to learn this on his own. After a good 2 minutes of Riley struggling and groaning on the floor, he manages to get his pants to his thigh. He looks at me with a large smile behind his tears and laughs to himself. He goes back to the floor throwing his arms in victory.
"Yes! Yes! Yes! Harhaaa!! I did it Dick! Yes!!" I feel as though Chariots of Fire should be playing now. I smile and nod at Riley.
"Great job dude, now if you don't mind. I'm going to lay some pipe." I throw my thumb back to the door and go to leave.
"Very good Dick, be sure to use protection." I stop opening the door and turn to Riley, a few seconds of silence go by before we both break out in laughter. "HAHAHAHAHA!!! Give her a good rogering for me Dick. And for my trousers you saved." I smile again and leave Riley be. Back into the fray so to speak, the club is still booming. I push past the party people and walk beside the dancefloor towards Jameson, guarding the door to the VIP room, he nods at me and opens the door, closing it behind me. The music goes quiet, I walk through the hall adorned with art of myself to the room at the very end, were the lady waits holding a glass of champagne. She sees me and smiles.
"Sorry to keep you waiting."
"It's okay. Champagne's nice."
"Only the best for you Porsche."
"Mercedes."
"Yes I own 3. Are you cold?" She goes to speak but before she does I grab a small remote beside the ice bucket and click one of the many buttons igniting the fireplace to the side of us. She's impressed. I grin at her and stylish point the remote to the wall, I press another button and a heart shaped bed flips through the wall. Another button press and the lights go dim, smooth jazz starts playing and I throw the remotes aside as I saunter to the bed, lying on it seductively. Mustang smiles at me and bites her lip, she places her drink on the table and walks to the bed, swinging her hips as she does. With a finger I take down her dress, exposing her perfect breasts and perky nipples, she leans in close and cocks her head as we passionately kiss. I grab her tiny waist and push her on top of me, she removes my Italian leather belt and unbuttons my suit pants. She pushes her hand down and grabs Captain America standing at full salute. She moans as I kiss her neck and pull down the rest of her black silky dress.
She kicks her legs and gets rid of the garment as she tugs down my pants and designer underwear. She climbs on top of me and slides the captain into position. We both let out a groan of ecstasy as Pontiac rides me like the wild stallion I am. She unbuttons my shirt and removes my black tie as she's on top, impressive. Girl can multitask. I grab her supple ass tightly and push her up a little as I ram deeper inside. She moans loudly and falls on top of me as I penetrate party central.
We fuck for a good ten minutes in cowgirl position before I mix things up, lifting her up with me and moving her to the wall, grabbing hold of her butt for support. I continue the vagina pounding twice as hard as she's against the wall, the room is shaking. Art is crashing against the wall, and the art hanging on the walls is going pretty wild too. We're sweating, swapping saliva as I pound her pearly gates. My arms get tired after a while and I throw her away from the wall, turning around and hit that sweet pussy from doggystyle like a king. You know what, i'm going to raise my arms in victory. Fuck it, I'ma do it. WOOOO I'm the king baby!
Several more minutes pass as I'm tapping the booty of Honda. We're both still moaning in delight and I can feel myself ready to blow. I pull out Captain America, he did his mission a great service for this beautiful country. "UuuughGHhhuu! Turn around!" She looks back at me panting as she falls to her weak knees. I jack it to keep the stream coming.
"What!?"
"Turn around, open your mouth!"
"Ew gross no!" Oh, now she has self-respect.
"I'm gonna. I'm gonna OOOOOUGHGHGUGG!!" I spray my baby gravy onto the side of the chick's shoulder, catching her cheek and most of her long black hair. She looks at me in appreciation, well, I take it as appreciation. I fall back onto the wall, my body exhausted.
"Ugh. There a bathroom here?" She tries to wipe away my seed and gets up, I point her to the door beside the bed.
"Use the scented soap. It will do a wonder to your rough Latino skin." She looks back at me and scoffs. I decide I did fantastic and fall onto the bed to relax.
...
Several hours later I wake up. Drunker than I thought with a slight hangover. I open my tired eyes and look around the room, Car girl is gone. I get up and take the satin bed sheets with me, my dick is stuck to them due to left over residue. I pull them away. "Yeow!" Ooooh that's a bout a bitch. I sit up on the bed and go to the end, grabbing my pants and taking out my iPhone checking the time. 8:07am, damn. Few missed calls and texts from Riley. I swipe open the phone and take a look at the texts. 2:54am
"Wer r u?" 2:59am
"U stil fuckign????" 4:20am
"im home no" 4:22am
"miss u." 8:01am
"Dick, John Black released a promo. Here's the link on the XWF website http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=19380 make a reply promo when you can."
I click the link from Riley's text and sit through the most painful minutes of my life. I sigh to myself and remember what Flip told me, just treat him like a preppy bitch. A look of determination sets on my face and I tap through my phone and open the camera, flipping it to selfie mode and recording my response. Hungover with little sleep, I still look fucking amazing.
"Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. You're right with your guess, I'm so over I'm under. I'm so loved I feel like the XWF family is giving me a warm hug. I'm loving my time with the company so far and you're trying to ruin that. I can't take you anywhere. I ask you out on a date and all you want to do is complain about your feet in those heels and talk about how your sister got a promotion at work, and you're just so catty about the whole thing. Bitch learn your place!"
"Now I did say wrestling was fake, but I quickly learned I was wrong about the XWF. My mistake. But you're wrong about me! $2 hookers!? John please, I would hope you'd think better of me. Try adding 3 or 4 zeroes onto that amount and you have the truth. I get it, you're jealous of me. Don't hate me cuz you ain't me John. You could never measure up to the walking fuck machine known as Dick Powers. And that's okay, there's only one of me. And you John, are dealing with Dick Envy. A common symptom to any inferior male who hangs with the Alpha of Anal Annihilation. With chicks only though, I'm not gay."
"It's okay though, because on Wednesday Night Warfare. You will feel the full POWER of Dick. I will crush you, destroy you, because you are a small man. And I am a pussy loving giant! I'm going to Sack Tap you until you're comatose, the commentators will shout 'YOU'RE GONNA GO FAR KID!' As a I flip through the air like a graceful Swan attached to a boomerang. And after the 1 2 3! I'm going to party like it's 1999."
"Okay, byyyyyyeeee!" I give a smooch to the camera and turn off the recording, throwing my phone onto the bed and lying down, resting my hands behind my head with a smile on my face, confident going into my first match. I breath a sigh of relief. "Ah, it's good to be Dick."
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