"Jimmy! You come down here this instant!"

"Aww but mom I don't wanna!"

"March your keester down here right now mister, or no dessert for a week!"

"A whole week!? Mom! That's not fair!

The scene opens to the kitchen interior of a typical, upper middle class, suburban home. A woman is leaning against the humming dishwasher with a glass of wine in her hand and an agitated look on her face. A teenage boy, no older than 16 years old lumbers down the nearby starway and into the kitchen with his head hung low. Without making eye contact the woman begins nodding her head and points to a piece of paper on the center island in front of her. The boy sighs and takes a seat at a bar stool on the opposite side.

Jimmy's mom: "Do you mind explaining to me what this is young man?"

Jimmy: "A letter?"

Jimmy's mom: "You're darn right it is. And do you know what that letter says?

Jimmy mumbles something under his breath, prompting his mom to grab the letter and slide it right underneath his face.

Jimmy's mom: "It's a letter from your principal saying you got caught smoking a cigarette after class! Jimmy! That's not the handsome son I know and love. What were you thinking?

Jimmy: "I don't know..."

Jimmy's mom: "Well you better figure it out real quick or no Pokemon for a whole month!"

Jimmy: "MOM NO!"

Jimmy's mom: "Then you better spill it right now young man! What has gotten into you lately?"

Jimmy: "It's just... It's hard, you know? Everyone expects perfection out of me all the gosh darn time. I've gotten straight A's since fifth grade. I'm the quarterback of the football team. I'm dating the prettiest girl in the whole school. I've already gotten scholarship offers from great schools like the University of Michigan and Ohio State, not to mention the terrible ones like the University of Kansas and Penn State. And every day people just expect me to be 'Jimmy the stud,' the golden boy who can do no wrong. And the pressure is really getting to me mom, it's just so hard to balance being so popular, talented and smart. I wish I knew how real live superstars like John Samuels do it...

Just then the front door swings wide open. John Samuels steps in wearing a full football jersey with pads and eye black underneath his eyes, holding his helmet underneath his arm. The camera zooms in close as he gives it a sly look:

"Did someone say...

Wink.

Superstar?

The camera flashes back to Jimmy and his mom, who both throw their hands up to their faces with a look of amazement.

Jimmmy & Jimmy's mom: "WOW IT'S JOHN SAMUELS!"

Samuels suddenly appears behind them, setting his helmet on the ground and placing one leg on top of, striking a very heroic looking pose.

Samuels: "Thaaaat's right, it's me. And I came all the way from wherever I was, doing whatever it was that I was doing, because that I heard my little buddy Jimmy here is having a tough time coping with the stresses of being a bonafide icon. Is that right, Jimmy?

Jimmy: "Yeah, Mr. Samuels! How do you do it?"

Samuels: "With God given grace, humility and...

Samuels pulls out a football from behind his back and with one graceful motion, tosses it to Jimmy who catches the balls with a large smile on his face. Samuels winks at Jimmy again gives him a nod of approval.

Samuels: "A little bit of style, of course.

Jimmy's mom: "Well good thing you showed up when you did! Can you help Jimmy, Mr. Samuels?"

Samuels: "Fuck no."

Jimmy: "Uhhh... what? Why not?"

Samuels: "You see, Jimmy, you may be hot shit now but let's be realistic: You'll never be John Samuels. And don't take that personally, millions of fans across the globe right now are hammering away with their 10 lb. dumbbells just dreaming of the day when they can get their name in bright lights and have their own following. The sad truth of it though, is that all you poor youths are reaching for the unreachable. You have me on this pedestal, because I belong there. If it were so easy to be John Samuels, there would be more of them walking around, don't you think?

Jimmy's mom: "So what you're saying is that my son is doomed to fall into a bottomless pit of self harm and loathing?

Samuels: Oh no, not at all! It's your lucky day. I have just the thing to save your son.

Jimmy: "Wow John! Wha--"

Samuels: "Let's stick with Mr. Samuels, junior."

Jimmy: "I'm sorry. Mr Samuels, what can you do for me?"

Samuels: "That's easy Jimmy. We're going to lower the bar."

Jimmy: "How do we do that?"

Samuels pulls out a blue box with a picture of Steve Davids on the front and ' Flakes' written in white letters above it. He holds the box up next to his face while smiling wide.

Samuels: "With Steve Davids' Flakes! Part of a balanced breakfast.

Jimmy: "Steve Davids? But he sucks!"

Samuels: "Exactly the point. Ever heard the phrase 'train like a champion?' Well this is like that, except instead of training like a champ you're eating like a dipshit Englishman with mammary glands and a penchant for being mind-numblingly dull. Think about it Jimmy! You can be just like him! Instead having people smile and wave at you as you pass, they'll sneer and make faces behind your back. Instead of being gifted athletically, you'll lose everything that comes your way unless it is the most basic and mundane of challenges. No fear of public speaking? Well after a couple bowls of this, you'll be so goddamn boring that as soon as people see you open your mouth they'll get so sick to they're stomach that they'd rather drown themselves in their vomit than listen to one of your countless tales of how you grew to become so pathetic."


"And you'll grow tits! And not just a couple of lumps of chubby kid fat, I'm talking some hefty fun bags that'll get you droolin' like granny's sunday gravy."

Jimmy: "My very own boobs!? Cool!"

Samuels: "Hell there's probably a vagina in it for you too, I doubt anyone has been down there to see what's actually going on. Given that he couldn't be bothered to face Theo straight up and had to cash in like a little bitch after Theo faced two other men, I'd say it's safe to assume that this here queer cereal is likely to force you down the Tampon aisle every now and then. It'll be just like the commercials; you can sit next to a window, looking out into the rainy night sky longingly, like you're thanking God that Aunt Flo actually showed up because you'd have one Hell of a time explaining a black baby to your parents."


"Here Jimmy, try them out yourself."

Samuels hands the box over to Jimmy, who quickly eats a handful. A cloud of smoke suddenly envelops Jimmy, and dissipates with a loud 'pop.' Jimmy emerges with a curly brown wig, a look of sheer idiocy and a giant set of titties. Jimmy looks down in astonishment and begins jiggling them.

Samuels: "Now you cut that shit out, Jimmy. Steve Davids is the kind of guy that would masturbate to the image of himself playing with himself. Creepy fucking asshole. How does it feel?"

Jimmy Davids: "I... I'm not sure. I'm smart enough to realize that I'm a worthless piece of shit and even as the words leave my mouth I want to rip my own penis off strangle myself with it... Yet I'm too dumb to realize that I would actually be doing myself a huge favor so I think I'm just going to start babbling and staring into a fire while I cry."

Samuels: "Boy, if I see one tear roll down that cheek I will force feed you enough severed goat nipples to get you fat enough to be mounted by the Dimallisher."

Jimmy Davids: "Uh oh."

Samuels: "What?"

Jimmy Davids: "Being Steve Davids does make you grow a vagina. Does this mean I can get pregnant?"

Samuels: "Absolutely. Luckily for you, I also brought along a box of Steve Davids' brand condoms, 'Psycho Sensations.' The only condom approved by faux Universal Champion Steve Davids himself! Have your man friend strap on one of these babies and he's guaranteed to become incapable of getting an erection and satisfying a woman. No children in your immediate future."

Jimmy Davids: "Wait, does turning me into Steve Davids make me a woman or a sexually inept mongoloid with ED?

Samuels: "Both, plus you get to keep the titties."

"What do you think, Jimmy? Are you ready to make Flakes a part of your daily diet?"

Jimmy Davids: "Gee Mr. Samuels, I don't know. It's kind of scary being Steve Davids. I've never felt more useless in my entire life. But at the same time, I don't have any pressure on me. Everyone knows that I'm not worth half a shit and I feel like they'd all be shocked if I successfully tied my own shoes."

Samuels: "And that's exactly what we're going for, Jimmy. The world needs more Steve Davids', they do a fantastic job at making the John Samuels' of the world thankful for being so damn gifted. And at Turning Point next weekend, when Steve Davids and I square off for the Universal Championship, I will make sure that I thank him for being such a pushover before I take that belt from him and return it to The Kings, where it belongs."

Jimmy Davids: "Yeah, I guess you're right. I suppose there's nothing wrong with being an over-emotional, mentally-stunted Englishman with tits, especially when there are real stars in the world like you, Mr. Samuels. And like the real Steve Davids, I'm just going to have to accept it. Thank you, Mr. Samuels."

Samuels: "All in a day's work, Jimmy. All in a day's work."

Samuels picks up the helmet from the ground, puts it on his head and high-fives Jimmy and his mother as he makes his way to the door. He stops, turns, and holds the box up to the camera with one hand and gives a thumbs up with the other.

1X - GOAT.