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Ruben A. Mitchell · **01-17-2015, 04:09 PM**

When you give a fucked up man a weapon, he'll be sure to use it however he wants to in order to get his way. When you give a fucked up man a ladder, he'll be sure to climb that thing as high as he possibly can in order to succeed. I don't have to tell you that this place is full of fucked up men that want to get their hands on a belt that they hope somehow carries them to greater and greener pastures. To a man like me, however, a chance to hold a belt like that is a way to hold a belt that can hold up loose pants. Tons of people seem to be raring for a shot like this, so there's only one thing that I can do to people like those.

Hurt them.

I have to make sure that these men cannot climb up that ladder to grab that contract. And with a weapon like the ladder, it should be no problem for a man like me to injure all of these other men in that ring. However, I can't hurt any of them if I'm not in the mood. I'm just going to find a song to get me in said mood while I wait for everyone else to get what they want to say out of the way.

Much better.

Now in order to get through the whole list of people I'm going to fight in the upcoming ladder match, I might as well start with the speaking order and work my way from there. Sadly, only two of the seven other opponents have spoken. So, until proven otherwise, I'll then go from the most to least deserving. Do I mean most deserving of my fist or the contract? Doesn't matter. It's your guess, and you only get one.

Jasmine has the balls necessary to speak out against me first. This was probably the most foolish thing he ever could have done. Granted he's not a coward, but what he fails to realize is that he doesn't stand a chance against a man like me. Me and him fought before in a 'battle royal', where I ended up throwing him over the top rope. According to Baby Love's victory chart, throwing people over ropes count as victories. I'd like to call him fucking stupid, but let's just roll with it for now. By his logic, I'm currently one victory over your zero, which makes me better than you. You know what else it makes me? The person that made your star collapse and become a black hole. Am I specifically going to be the one that makes your star once again implode on itself? Probably not, it can't hurt to try.

When did I get my ass kicked exactly? Oh against Rockabilly over there? Hey, the fucker wanted a cash prize, so who am I to disagree with him? Now what about Space Cowboy, the man who was released on accounts of not sucking Boss' potato sack? You really seem to like that man a lot. Why else would you bring him up? Because you think I might one day take back everything I said about him and praise him as some sort of holy figure? Not going to happen, Jasmine. The fucker did leave me a little souvenir before his departure, though.

{The sound of scratching echos across the walls and into the microphone.}

Hey, stop scratching your scar! The doctor said if it's irritated too much, it'll start hemorrhaging again.

Well thanks for announcing that while I'm in the middle of recording, jackass. You want to tell them my personal address so they can rob me blind as well?

{Silence.}

Yeah, that's what I thought. Anyways, while I'm still on Jasmine, I might as well laugh at how the little bitch took time out of his day to call me a little bitch. It's like having a cop call another cop a fat pig while he's stuffing his face in the doughnut shop. This is coming from the man who I managed to disprove the stereotype that all Aussies are tough. Here he is crying like a little bitch and somehow convincing himself that he has a decent shot in this now eight man bout. If you're the real competition I think you're talking about, then this place is just about to go bankrupt because of how shit you are. Maybe, instead of focusing on bettering the career of you brother, you should instead focus on your own, because I'm just about ready to end it.

Alright, who's next? Some guy named Cain? Seems fitting enough, since this place is full of people similar to Abel. Why the fuck he hasn't killed those people yet is beyond my comprehension. Since I think Cain has become a little overused for a name, I'll take it upon myself to call you something completely different. How does Fluffy sound? I can't wait to get into the ring with you either, Fluffy. Not only do I like causing people pain, but also receiving it from the people I'm hurting. You should know that I'm also not just a normal man. You're not a normal man either, I know that because I've seen just what you're capable of these past couple of months. Should be fun to see just what you're able to back up and just what is as fictitious as the monsters of human definition.

You want to push the pain? You alone? I think I need more than a man rejected by God to satisfy my needs. If I'm going to hell, I need all I can get before I go down.

{Exhale}

Once again, I'm going to talk about the men in the order of most deserving. Starting with the most prolific, supposedly.

Since it's a sign of respect to add san or senpai, I'm just going to ignore all of those titles and call him Shinsuke. Your fights in Japan have been impressive, that's for sure. But what about here in America? What have you managed to accomplish while in this company? So far, not a damn thing. You just better hope that knee of yours doesn't start acting up, otherwise you won't stand a chance against people like us.

At least Shinsuke is an actual fighter and not some meth-head that dopes himself up before every single match. See, that's a great set-up to talk about Dopey, who has decided to show his face in order to grab a contract to roll more blunts. Hell, I like the occasional hit to calm myself down from time to time, but blowing one just before you get into the arena? You're just making yourself an easy target in that case. That is, if you don't fall flat on your face or chase the colors beforehand. Hell, that would be doing yourself a favor.

Now we come to Needles, or Pin Head if you want to be referential. Thankfully, he's not one of those men that get buzzed before the big day, but he might as well be. All he did was pull out an optical illusion, which didn't work, while trying to be creepy as shit. The only creepy thing about him is how he decided one day that "Yes, this is the mask that I want to wear to drama club." Is he a fighter worthy of my time along with everyone else's? More than likely not, but he's more than welcome to try. Hell, he might end up in the same range of skill as Jasmine, and that's just being generous.

Speaking of men with no skill at all, we come to Howie Z. Harmless. Apparently he decided that the beat down I gave him Wednesday just wasn't enough for his punk ass, and he came back with a plate in hand asking for more. Alright then, if you're so desperate to become comatose, I'll be sure to give you exactly what you want. Not a damn thing will change in that ring either. You'll still get your ass beat, but this time you won't have anyone to stop it from happening.

And lastly, we have the Brit that just can't seem to push himself off the ground. I remember from one of the crew members that he was an egomaniacal jackass that would whine if he never won. And that's all I'm going to base on him. Let's face it, after hearing something like that, there's just no sort of redemption for a man like him. I can't wait to make a grown man cry because I tore down a slip of paper from a clipboard. I can only imagine what his reaction would be once I do that. Whatever it may be, I'm just excited to see what happens to the men I end up rendering useless after this bout.

Don't disappoint Cuddles, boys.

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