The officers booked Frodo and literally tossed him in the cell. He's sitting there for a few minutes, when he has to take a massive shit. So massive it'd probably be considered a normal sized Texan, and even get the same rights at the people in John Samuels' home state. So, he looks around and doesn't see a toilet, but there is a hole in the floor. He's been to Asia, so he knows how this shit is supposed to go. He walks over to the hole, looks around, there's a large black dude in the cell with him, and some old fat white dude. Kind of looks like Santa. They're not paying attention to him. Frodo figures they know what's coming, so he's goes ahead and drops his pants and begins to shit down the hole. The black dude looks over and jumps to his feet.
"NIGGA!! What the hell are you doing? That's not the toilet! GUARD!! GUARD!! THIS NIGGA IS STRAIGHT UP SHITTING IN THE DRAIN PIPE!!"
The guard comes rushing over as Frodo's finishing.
"What the fuck, Son? Why did you shit in the drain pipe?"
Frodo pops to his feet, turns around pisses down the pipe before answering.
"That's not the toilet?"
He pulls his pants up and looks around. The black man is looking at Frodo with utter disgust in his eyes.
"No. Why would you think it was?"
"He's nasty, nigga. I don't wanna be in a cell with this nigga."
I been to Asia. It's what they do there. I thought you were doing that to torture us. Where's the toilet then?"
"You call us and we take you to the toilet."
"Hey, can I get my phone call now?"
"Fine."
The guard comes in and unlocks the door so he can take Frodo to the phone. Frodo steps out and follows him to the phone. They go to a room with just a leather chair and a table holding a singular phone. One of them old phones from the fucking 80's. These cops got fancy Asian Drainpipe toilets, but they ain't got a new phone? The guard walks just outside of the room, and Frodo sits down in the chair, picks up the phone and dials Sarah's number. It rings twice and then she answers.
"Hello?"
"Hey, babe. It's Freddie."
"What is this number?"
"Police Station. I've been arrested in Texas. Fun times."
"Why are you in Texas, and why did you get arrested?"
"I'm trying to figure out old Bitch Tits Samuels. And I heard Maddy could be found here, I wanted to donkey punch him in the balls. But that all got fucked up when I went to McDonalds. They gypped me on French Fries, and I attacked them. I'm slightly ashamed."
"How did they gyp you on French Fries?"
"I'm supposed to get 159, only got 157. Theo predicted that I'd be a few fries short. I had to test it."
"Fred, babe. I love you, but there's not a set number of fries you're supposed to get."
"But Theo said."
"Theo was not being literal. And if he was, then he's not the brightest bulb in the dog's asshole. Anyway, so you need me to fly down and bail you out?"
"Can you?"
"No. But I got a friend I can call. So, is everything else ok?"
"Yeah, I guess. I met a fan today."
"Yeah, was he cute?"[b]
[b]"It was Demi Lovato. She's a fan of mine."
"Really? Was she cute in person?"
"Yeah. She is. We traded numbers."
"Did you fuck her?"
"Yeah, actually. I got video of it if you want to see it."
"Sure. She better in bed than I am?"
"Nah. No one is baby. Would you want to fuck Demi? I'm sure I can probably get that if you want."
"Yeah, for sure. But you can only watch."
"Sweet. Anyway, I gotta go. Jail isn't fun."
"I love you, babe."
"I love you, too. Be home soon. And I'll be a champion when I get back."
Frodo hung up the phone and went back to the cell. This time the black dude was transferred to a new cell, away from Frodo. Mostly because of the feces in the drainpipe thing. He was alone in the cell with the father Christmas looking mother fucker. It was time for Frodo's afternoon nap, but there weren't blankets, and Frodo was cold. So he snuggled up next to the fat Santa mother fucker.
Exactly 2 hours, 55 minutes, and 12 seconds later
Santa wakes up and flips out, as most would if they encountered a sleeping hobbit snuggled up next to them.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Frodo half wakes up.
"Nah, bruh. Five more minutes."
The man forces Frodo onto the floor and stands up, staring down at the hobbit.
"BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING?!"
"Check it, bruh. Cuddling. Calm down. I was cold. Hashtag no homo."
"YOUR BONER WAS POKING ME!"
"Correction. Hashtag little bit homo."
The guard walked over which calmed the Santa down a little.
"Fred Ward? You're free to go. Charges have been dropped. You can get your stuff and leave. Don't attack McDonald's again. Just go home."
He opened the door and left the cell. He went up front, collected his stuff, and began to head out the door. Until someone stopped him.
"Son. You gonna thank me?"
"Dunno. Did you get me out?"
"Yeah. Your mother in law called in a favor. We're even now. But you need to do me a favor. Do America a favor."
"Listen, dude. I ain't sucking your dick. Not today."
"Look at me."
Frodo turned to see the man who got him out of jail.
"Gabriel Iglesias? How did you get me out of jail?"
"Boy, you stupid. I'm George W. Bush. I was like the 3rd president of the United States."
"Oh. Ok. Whatchu need?"
"Kick Samuels' ass. He maked Texas look bad. Oh, and tell Suzzane I said hey. How is she? She seeing someone?"
"She's married. And I can do the other two. You know my mother in law?"
"We dated. Then Sarah dated Jeb. Although, Sarah was Barry then. You knew about her, right?"
"Yep. And I'll kick Samuels' ass for you. I'm gonna go shower and sleep, though. See ya. Thanks for getting me out."
"You're having dinner at my place tonight. Suzzane asked me to do that for you."
"K. Text me the addy."
Frodo just walked off to the sunset. Not really, it's not that late.
"So, Samuels, I'm going to keep this short. Like your reign as the champion. It's cool, bruh. Once you lose the titles, you can fight about whose fault it is, and then maybe cash your title shot in on Theo. But even if you managed to win, it won't change the fact that it was your fault that you guys lose to us. Well, will be, but for that argument was. You're just not fucking good enough. You weren't a king, you're not going to answer what I say, because you're afraid. You're a massive pussy of Gilmourisian levels. Bruh. That's why you're choosing to stay silent this week. Isn't it? Or is it because you're crying deeply knowing that Scorpio chose me over you, and you see why? I know you love that dude. Who doesn't? But, bruh, he called you a dog's ball sack, and he chose me to help him get the titles. Not you. You? You were only there for World War X, I was there for the long haul. And know what else? Team Painted Hobbit will be back to also take the tags. Not now, but soon. And you know why? Because he'll keep choosing me over you. You have his face on your ass, but I'm his number 1 choice. Because you suck. You're not fucking good enough to pick the imaginary Sesame Seeds from his Wendy's buns, but me? Yeah. Put that in your pipe.
Not only that, but bruh, Nader wants me to kick your ass for making Texas look bad. Does it make you sad that my mother in law and wife have had Bush cock, and you're stuck jerking it to old World War 2 footage of George Bush Senior? Bruh, you're a sad dried up dog's ball sack. Kill yourself. Save your family the shame of knowing you. Wait, bruh. Do you even a family? Or did they disown you because of how much of a giant pussy you are? Bitch. You got put down by Kendall Sawyer. ."
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