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Steven Kessler · **11-09-2014, 04:04 AM**

The scene opens in a generic gym in some generic part of New Jersey. Generic signs with generic weight lifting tips line the generic, bland walls. Generic athletes work out on generic workout equipment, wearing generic weightlifting gear. In the middle of it all Ricky Blowjob pumps iron in bright pink spandex, sweat pouring down his face like a waterfall. His nipples ache and his back arches as he heaves the bar onto the rack after his last set.

Ricky: “Man, I am one sweaty blowjob.”

The people around him start to snicker. It’s a generic, hollow laugh, almost like television canned laughter. Ricky looks around confused. He towels off his face and takes a big swig of his water. The glistening dew sticks in his thick moustache, and he swallows the water down with a grateful gulp.

Ricky: “I’m exhausted. Back when I was just wrestling on the amateur circuit I could wrestle all day long, but now that I’m wrestling for GWF, the Generic Wrestling Federation, they put me in their Extreme division. I’ll tell you one thing, a hardcore Blowjob is a tired, messy Blowjob.”

This time the generic background laughter intensifies, and the surrounding generic athletes let out chuckles as loud as they are generic. Ricky laughs nervously, not knowing what’s going on… his paranoia grows.

Ricky: “Alright, what is it? Did I say something? C’mon guys… this always happens. Anyway, back to my point. Sometimes after a match, all I can do is go home and collapse. My dog, Teeth, jumps up onto my lap and wants to play, but I never have any energy. I have to yell at him, I say “NO TEETH! NO TEETH!””

More laughter. It’s less generic now and more cackling. Everyone is trying very hard to keep their composure, and every one of the generic weightlifters is watching Ricky. He looks very nervous.

Ricky: “I don’t get what’s so… anyway, when I started in this business I tried to make Teeth my manager, but John Smith, the general manager of the GWF, said there was no way I could have a dog as my manager. According to him I’d never be a great Blowjob if I used Teeth.”

The laughter is deafening this time, and Ricky snaps. He reaches into his gym bag and pulls out a small, yet practical sub-machine gun. He pulls the trigger as the camera cuts away to darkness. All we can hear is the automatic gunfire and the screams of generic gym-goers as they are mown down in a hail of bullet rounds. The gun runs out of ammo and there is a sobering *CLICK* one or twice. Ricky doesn’t bother to reload, and after a moment the camera returns to the gym floor. Ricky drops the gun in his gym bag and throws a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt on over the top of his spandex. He looks left, and then right, and runs to the door, scampering out of the building. It’s silent for a few minutes, with only the low moans and groans of the dying to fill the awkwardness in the air. The camera suddenly cuts to an alley, presumably outside the gym since there is a sign that says “Gary’s Generic Gym.”

Standing in the alley is the future of the XWF, Steven Kessler, who runs his hand through his hair and flashed the camera a million dollar smile.

Kessler: “Ladies and gentlemen, what you’ve just seen here has been a public service announcement courtesy of yours truly. The events that just transpired weren’t real, but they very well could’ve been. That’s why I’m out here tonight. Kids, some of you might think it’s funny to call other people names related to things like fellatio, homosexuality or other topics related to sex and gender, much like Frodo Smackins. Some of you might even think it’s okay to participate in street vigilantism or lead some kind of bizarre pseudo-cult like JACK. And it’s definitely not okay to take an AK-47 and shoot someone in the face, because if you do that, you’re gonna end up in jail. And there’s much worse things than mocking in jail!

But that’s not the only reason I’m here tonight, kids. I’m here to teach you about survival. Ricky Blowjob, our fictional character from tonight, he was a survivor. He knew how to survive and beat the odds. Just like me, kids. Even though no one liked him and they all made fun of him for things, he sure did show them who was the boss in the end didn’t he? Kids, tell your parents to pay the cable bill this week and tune into Monday Night Madness, because if you do you’ll see your one true role model in action. Frodo Smackins? JACK? Those two sillies are just losers like those people in the gym… they’re generic, bland and in the end they’re just going to get what they’ve got coming to them.

This Monday night, I’ll show JACK and Smackins just what it takes to be a survivor firsthand. For the XWF and PBS, I’m Steven Kessler and you’ve just been educated.”

Kessler gives his best thumbs up and a big fake grin to the camera, before turning and walking away as the camera fades to black.

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