Hey-yo!

So I'm sitting in my car when I get a text main. Why these punk kiddos like texting more than hearing the voice of Razor Ramon is beyond me, chico. Anyways I look at my flip phone and check it out. It's from one of the young punks letting me know that I have a match on Monday Night Raw teaming up with mi amigos, Hunter, Shawn, and Kid. And even Big Daddy Cool will be there. That's cool, main. Who wouldn't want to see The Kliq in action on Monday Night Raw, right? Well I look below that and I see our opponents.

Derrick Silva, Bryan James, Maverick, and Scully.

I thought it was a joke, main. I mean I know there are a lot of squash matches on Raw, but man, I didn't know we were going to have a huge one for the main event! Seriously chico, the main event is going to be four of the dirtiest players in the game vs a bunch of Rugrats? Then I get a text from Pac that explains it all. Apparently this Maverick cat took a Scully on the European title and blamed it on 1-2-3 Kid. Man what kind of noise is that, main? Who puts shit all over a nice title like the European belt? Don't get me wrong, chico. It's not the Intercontinental Championship, but it's a nice belt main.

Razor Ramon picks up his belt off the table and slings it over his shoulder. He slicks his hair back and adjusts the toothpick in the side of his mouth with his tongue.

Now let's see what kind of punks they've stuck in this match to be decimated by The Kliq. The first main on the list is Derrick Silva. Now, according to the roster sheet here at the WWF, this dude hasn't even debuted yet, but he has a tag team title shot on Warfare? Now hold up one second. Hey main I want a tag team title shot! I've actually wrestled a match too, chico! This must be that damn tyrant Vinny Mac holding down me again, main. Hey-yo Vinny! Razor wants a title shot! Anyways, kid, I hope you know what you're getting into. This ain't going to be pretty if I have to kick your ass all the way back home to San Diego, California. So stay classy, Silva.

The second loser on Team Sparkles and Unicorns is Bryan James. Hey main, it's cool you liked me as a kid. Real cool main. Now why don't you do me a favor, chico? Why don't you go to WWEShop.com and buy the latest Razor Ramon t-shirt. Go get you some hair product. Oh, don't forget to get yourself a toothpick. Then, on Monday night, you can come out with Razor Ramon! That's right! Your childhood dream of coming down to the ring with The Bad Guy. Then you can watch as your idol gets into the ring and spanks some rookies around the ring, main. You don't even have to get in the match! You can just stay on the outside and shine my boots while I'm not tagged in. How's that sound, chico? You say I'm a disappointment? You don't know the half of it, main. I'm going to beat you so bad, you're going to be disappointed you ever stepped into the ring with a main of my caliber. On Monday, you're going to be leaving that WWF arena wishing you hadn't stepped into the ring with me. Because I'm not going to let you breathe, chico.

Maverick. Did he grow up a Top Gun fan or something main? What a bad name, chico. Not only does he have a dumb name, he's a little whiny bitch to boot, main. He literally started crying the other day. "Wahhh, those sexy beasts Kliq have a fifth man that thinks we're better caliber stars than we actually are... wahhhh." I thought he was going to start spitting up and needing Mama Scully to come over and change it for him. Next this main said that Frodo, Vinnie, and Shades would come down to cost them the match? Are you serious, chico? I'm sure those guys wouldn't wipe their ass with someone as insignificant as you, main. See? You're just a liar, main. You're just lying about potential attackers to feel good about yourself, main. Either way, I'll cut your ass with The Razor's Edge just like everyone else. Just don't cry afterwards. You're ugly when you cry, main.

After the crybaby, we have the only real competition, main. Scully. Hey main, you can't call me Scott Hall. This is show business, bitch. You can't go pulling the curtain back and revealing my real name. I would reveal who you really were, but I'm not that childish main. I'm a real main. I can call you a shithead without having to drag your real name into it. You call us old? Main, all age means in this business is that I have more experience and know how to kick your teeth down your throat in many different ways. But I guess I could just go bang your mom? That seems to be the most exciting thing to happen to you since you got here. And that's with your mom, main! Seriously go do something cool or something, chico.

Razor adjusts his vest showing off his well-fuzzed chest and midsection. A girl walks by eying Razor as she bites her lip. Razor waves and makes kissy lips at her. She thinks about it, but finally walks over.

Hey baby. What can Razor Ramon do for you, chica?

She leans down and whispers in his ear and runs a finger down his chest. Razor smiles and raises his eyebrows.

Well would you look at that, chico. Looks like I'm getting some action after all. See you Monday and get ready to get your ass kicked by...


THE BAD GUYS!

It's The Bad Guy, Hey-Yo!