"Jeff... do you know why I asked you to come down to my office?"

"To admire how far you've come since the last time I was here?"

I offer up with a smirk as I toss my feet onto the edge of Paul Heyman's desk. Leaning back as I do this in order to get more comfortable and my cybernetic leg clanking into the desk with a distinct metallic clink. A sound that I try to cover up by coughing afterwards. Yeah. Cause coughing sounds like a piece of metal hitting a desk. Y'know... I'm a real genius sometimes. Paul just sighs and shakes his head at me.

"Grrrreat... so the resident "high flyer" is back and now packing weapons. You know you're only a danger to yourself when you do that, right? Whatever. I don't care. Maybe you can attempt to use what you're packing, injure yourself and disappear for yet another year."

"Ouch Paul... your words are like daggers."

"And your feet are on my desk. You want professional and respectful. Show me some and then I'll decide if you deserve any in return."

"Gotcha."

I respond accompanied with a quick salute following my words and then drop my legs. Readjusting shortly after in an attempt to find a more comfortable way to sit and be at attention. These chairs were the fuckin' worst! It's like Paul skimped on comfort just to save a buck. I bet he thinks that makes him seem strict, uncompromising authoritarian. A real ironclad hardass that you don't wanna mess with. Really... it just makes him seem cheap. But I'm not here to get cozy in Heyman's office. I'm here to wrestle and that's about it.

"So why'd ya call me in here boss?"

A wide smile soon formed on Paul's face following my inquiry. Kinda like the Grinch just before he stole Christmas from all the Whos.

"I'm having you submit to a drug test. If you don't pass... you're out. As in fired in case you're too blitzed to get that."

I just came to this reality after surviving in a zombie apocalypse. There wasn't any time to be getting high then and since I didn't make it my goal to seek out drugs between my arrival and now... I wasn't worried.

"And if I pass?"

"Then you can thank your lucky stars I rehired you. I didn't have to do that and after the way you left... I shouldn't have done that but you're someone I know that's willing to entertain and that means more money for Paul. I love money... it's a close second to power in my books and I have both. It never hurts to get more though."

Reaching into a drawer on his desk, Paul produces a standard "pee cup" meant for drug testing. He tosses it to me and I catch it as I rise to my feet.

"Give that to the imp you find in the bathroom. I have a guard in their waiting for you so there's no way you can get out of pissing in that thing yourself. And you can only use the bathroom he's in... for that test to count. So don't think you can pull the... you used a different bathroom excuse. Cause I won't be having it. I won't be having any insubordination or bullshit whatsoever this time around Hardy. You got away with way too much your first time here and this time is going to be different. I'm the Captain of this ship and you'll do as I say or your ass is cast back out to sea. Understand?"

"Completely. Can I go piss in this thing now so I can get this over with?"

"Go for it."


A few hours later...


"I don't know how you did it. I don't know how you passed that drug test but I know you'll fuck up and fail soon enough. You're on my radar Jeff. I know your secret and sooner or later it's going to come out."

What the fuck? Could Paul know the truth? Did he call Jeff Hardy and find out that he and I aren't the same person even though we technically are? Does he know I came from another reality?

"Uh... what secret is that Paul?"

I say with a thick layer of forced nonchalantness coating my words. He looks at me cockeyed, assessing whether I'm being funny or really asking. An internal battle that ceases with a scoff.

"I know you didn't leave TNA. You're moonlighting and that can only mean your using some kind of performance enhancer that keeps you focused and able to participate that heavily. Now it's not against our rules for you to wrestle for another company but you had better be putting your career here first. Also... know that I will figure out what you're using and when I do... expect all of Paul's wrath."

A wicked laugh that Peter Gilmour would be proud of.

"Really... if you fess up now and tell me the truth it'll definitely be better for you. So why don't you do that? Come on. Admit it and we don't have to go down this road. I won't even call the cops on you."

"I'm not on drugs Paul. You already tested my piss and had it analyzed here. You can see I'm not lying."

"All I see is the guy that disappeared randomly after I took a chance on him and gave him a career. And there's a lot more tests I can use. Maybe next time I should have you submit a hair follicle test. I'm sure that'll reveal traces of all kinds of stuff that a bottle of detox can't cover."

"Jesus Paul... stop the fuckin' witch hunt."

"No... you don't have a right to tell me to stop anything. You left without notice. Just up and quit. That's reckless and I won't be dealing with a fly by night loser who doesn't take this job seriously."

"I'll take the job seriously. You have my word on that."

I sigh feeling utterly exasperated.

"Dammit! I passed the test! What more do ya want? C'mon man... how 'bout ya dial down the asshole just a notch there and at least try to accept me back with open arms."

"What are your real intentions here Jeff? Answer me that one. Are you here to make me look like a fool? Did Dixie Carter put you up to this? Is this really a stunt to make the XWF look bad cause I'll tell you right now... our ratings blow that sorry ass show TNA out of the water. You can't play us or make this federation look bad. And if you try you'll be sorry that you ever stepped foot back into this company. You'll regret the day you were born. People don't cross Paul and fail to feel his wrath. It'll be good for you to remember that."

Wow... someone's scorned. Maybe it's time to take a different approach here.

"Damn. Such anger. Sounds like someone needs to hug that shit out. It's okay. I promise to put your show first and I'll never walk out on you again."

I say with a laugh as I stretch out my arms. Paul just staring at me in sheer horror before my arms envelope his pudgy form and I hug him. A real tight embrace too that ends in me picking him up and spinning around in a circle before I set him back down. When I let go and step back, Paul just stares blankly at me with a straight face and blinks. No words are exchanged after that and I soon see my way outta Heyman's office, chuckling to myself as I walk down the hall. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all.