The scene opens from blackness. As the camera aperture opens, the image comes in to focus. It becomes immediately apparent that we’re looking into a large group of children. From their dress, we can tell that they’re some sort of chorus group.

The orchestra of 100 children sings in unity.

Children: We are, We are, the youth of the nation…

Voice off screen: LOUDER!!

Children: WE ARE WE ARE THE YOUTH OF A NATION!

The voice from off screen walks out and it’s revealed to be Aidan Collins. He wears black skinny jeans and a plain white V-Neck shirt that cost 6 dollars to make but he spent 6 grand on it.

Aidan: Now, scram, you little shits!

The kids run off screen.

Aidan: First off, I just want to start off by saying that if you think that P.O.D. song that I had those kids sing was because I think it’s good, you’re dead wrong. P.O.D. should really be called P.O.S. because it’s a piece of shit band… Or, even better, it should be called PTSD because it gives me Vietnam Flashbacks thinking of the 90s when horrible music like that was regularly played on the music. If you honestly think that P.O.D. is a good band, do us all a favor and just jump off of a fucking bridge. Ya brain dead morons.

No, the reason I had those children singing that terrible song is because I thought it would be funny. Also, because it has to do with the major announcement I have to make… but first, let me fully introduce myself.

Aidan clears his throat.

Aidan: My name is Aidan Collins but you should already know that. While many members of the current XWF roster are clueless ignoramuses who have a thinner grasp on history than an Amazonian Tiki-Man praying to a sun god for rain, there are a few roster members who were around when I competed in the XWF. You see, it’s not like the X-Treme Wrestling Federation appeared out of thin air. This place has been running since 1999. I didn’t debut until 2004 but my career as an XWF wrestler is basically unrivaled. Those wrestlers in the XWF today will testify to that or they’ll be so butthurt about how bad I kicked their asses that they’ll deny it while stammering like the pussies they are.

As a young guy, barely into my 20s, I competed in the Cruiserweight Division and won an unprecedented 6 Cruiserweight Championships. However, my intent wasn’t to dominate a single division or a single opponent (I’ve bitchslapped Centurion so many times I’ve lost count). I sought to take over the entire fucking company. I won the US Title, I won the Canadian Title, I won the Tag Titles basically by myself. I’m basically a fucking magnet for wrestling Championships. I also won the X-Treme Title a few times for shits and gigs, won the TV Title because I could and I would have won the Women’s Title if I had a pussy instead of a giant, swinging dong.

I first won the XWF World Title and then turned my focus onto the Universal Title. I won that shit by defeating XWF “Legend” Dynamic Dynamite on a PPV that was named Truth Until Death. Yeah, I was such hot shit that I won the company’s top title on a show that was named after me. I won it a second time for shits and giggles and then I became the first member of the XWF Hall of Legends to be voted in by my fellow wrestlers.

If you think I’m bragging, I’m not. Those are just facts, Jack. If I wanted to brag, I’d mention how I ended Steve Jason’s XWF career, how I ended Bigg Rigg’s XWF career, and how I ended Andrew Gibson’s XWF career. Shit that’s basically just sentimental at this point… But when it comes to the titles I’ve held in the old XWF, I’m just trying to educate the ignorant. To put things, plainly, I was a big fucking deal back in the day.

So, you’re probably asking yourself why I’ve come back to the XWF and there’s no singular answer for that. Yes, it does bother me that some of my peers who now compete in this wrestling federation have a complete lack of respect when it comes to the legends like myself. I do want to bridge the gap between eras because it’s a damn certainty that Peter Gilmour and Barney Green are NOT doing a good job of representing what this place used to be. For many years, this place was the absolute pinnacle of the wrestling industry… I mean, for all I know, it may be now but that’s more of a statement on the wrestling industry than this place. Peter Gilmour is a champion now for Christ’s sake. In the old XWF, he was stomped into the ground like the worthless piece of shit that he is.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I look at the faces that compose this roster and I see potential. I see guys that are capable of carrying the torch well on into the future. But what I don’t see is someone to lead the pack. I don’t see an absolute MEGASTAR to lead the rest of these guys to their maximum potential. I see a bunch of dogs fighting for scraps but I don’t see a Cesar Millan to train these mutts into showdogs. The XWF desperately needs someone to lead by example and who better than the person who led the XWF in the past?

Aidan smiles.

Aidan Collins: Now, while I am a nice guy who does things for nice reasons, I’ll be frank. I’m also back to re-establish my legacy as the greatest in XWF History. I won my first Universal Titles in what would probably be described as the 2nd era of XWF Glory. While I can’t get in a time machine to win a Universal Title in the 1st era, what I can do is win a Universal Title in this 3rd era. No one has done that before and when I win the Universal Title again, it will confirm the fact that I’m the best wrestler in the history of the company.

I’m also here to promote the fact that I intend to impregnate 100 females by the end of the calendar year.

Aidan extends his arms as that is a very special fucking announcement.

Aidan Collins: Yes, you heard that correctly. It’s struck me that, at age 31, that I cannot afford to wait when it comes to birthing children. It’s also evident that the human race is being flooded with too many morons being born with shit genetics. Shit, you can go into any Walmart at midnight and just see the absolute dredges of society plodding around with their 8 kids.

It’s fucked up.

To counterbalance that and to give the human race some hope for the future, I’m going have 100 children. I think that’s enough to birth enough future world leaders that I will have done my part as an American and human being.

And Ladies, if you want to be impregnated by me, there’s going to be a reality competition show that will be airing on television. All you have to do is show up and prove that you’re worth my seed. It’s easy as that!

We’ll talk much more about that as the weeks go on and I start busting loads in bitches… but for now, I’ll address my match this week.

Aidan returns to talking about wrestling.

Aidan Collins: My first match will be against Eli James. He’s definitely someone that a lot of the current roster considers the current XWF’s most dangerous competitor... I don’t buy it, though. This guy comes out with a fucking fedora on like he’s some sort of Tumblr Social Justice Warrior White Knight and he’s supposed to intimidate me? What’s the intimidating part, that his Hawaiian-style shirts are covered in psychedelic-patterned sperm stains?

It’s pathetic that the rest of the XWF latches onto this guy like he’s the one person who can prove that this entire roster isn’t filled with a bunch of talentless misfits. Peter Gilmour and Morbid Angel hang off this guys nuts like a dingleberry swinging off Barney Green’s ass hair…. All because they feel that if they lose to him and then somehow I lose to him that it puts us on even ground. Sadly, when I beat this hack, it’s just going to reveal that they’re so far beneath me that they might as well be a part of the Earth’s mantle. That they’re so low that they’re like Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz doing limbo at Paul Heyman’s nephew Shlomo’s bar mitzvah. That they’re so low that they make the Roloff family look like Gheorghe Muresan on stilts by mere comparison.

What should really be going on is that these motherfuckers should be thanking me for immediately legitimizing their workplace. By even being able to associate themselves with me, their value as professional wrestlers skyrocket. I generate interest in every place I compete for and I make everyone else more money because of it. I’m practically Mother fucking Theresa but I don’t get any of the credit.

I’m not saying I should just be given the World Title because I’m blessing you all with my presence… but it wouldn’t be a bad idea. When people google “Morbid Angel”, they just get the result of some shitty band that never made it big. When people google Aidan Collins, the search engine asks “Did you mean the greatest wrestler alive?”

Aidan cracks his neck before wrapping this promo up.

Aidan Collins: I was really looking forward to ending Eli James’ undefeated streak but it appears that Mark Flynn already did that. I guess I’ll have to settle on beating Eli’s ass and becoming the #1 contender for the Universal Title in my first week back. It’s not a bad consolation prize.

When I defeat Eli I hope I start getting the respect I deserve and people start realizing that I’m the great white hope that this company desperately needs. Hell, maybe I even have a few tricks up my sleeve for what I’ll actually do with the title. One things for sure, the Greatest of All Time is finally back and I’m ready to blow this place the fuck out.

And that’s not my opinion.

That’s the Truth Until Death.