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~~Frodo mother fucking Smackins~~ · (08-01-2014)

"So, here it sits, Ricky. You’ve given some piss poor whiny shit of an answer about knocking up some whore you met in McDonalds, and how you lost your high school sweetheart, and all that jazz. Trouble with sob stories, there’s always someone with a better one. Oh, you’re an addict, but you’re clean now. Good for you, let me fill you in on some stuff about me since you shared. I’m an addict as well, only I didn’t get clean. I tried, I tried to get clean so very hard, but it just didn’t work. I don’t do heroin, not haven’t, don’t. Tried it, didn’t like it. I’m a refined addict, I do Meth, Crack, and Coke. So much so that when I had a title belt, I melted it down to make a combination Dildo and Crack pipe. I called it the Dildope. I’d stick it up my ass, and smoke that way. It’s called Boofing, and it gets you really high.

I, much like you, married my high school sweetheart. We even went to the same university. It was great, but I got caught cheating on her. A lot. So we broke up, then got back together and had a kid. A wonderful son named Joseph-Gordon. But the hilarity doesn’t stop there. I got arrested for drugs, irony since my brother was a cop, and she divorced me. Years later I found out I have a daughter. In high school I knocked some girl up, and boom! Katie. My princess. She runs a strip club slash whore house for me. Where she used to be a stripper, and she gave her brother multiple lap dances there before they realized they were related. And they fucked. So, yeah, Ricky. Come at me with some more whiny ass stories, I dare you. That’s my market, and I have it cornered quite well. It’s nice when you get to corner a market like that, innit? Frankly, you’re not likely to find someone here with a more fucked up life than mine. People might come close, but the fact that I had to take my son to get an STI work up because he had unprotected sex with his sister in the back of a strip club the day I came back from the dead kind of takes the cake. And I didn’t even get to the part where I was adopted by a black family who never told me. Not for almost 40 years.

So, are you done whining to me about your perfectly bland life? Because I’m done listening. You also went on to explain the Cuba thing, but claimed to not be Cuban. Yet you live in Havana, nice. I get it, Americans helped Castro take power, look at William Alexander Morgan, who was later executed for treason. But what I don’t get, if travel is such an issue for you, or if you spend so much time here why not stay here, or move to Puerto Rico? Cuba and Puerto Rico are about the same place, one just has less Castro than the other. Actually, that’s a huge issue I have with it. Because you’re an American, and yet you’re allowed to be free in Cuba. You are an American, right? It’s what you claimed. See, I know about the Cuban Revolution, and I know about how Raoul feels about Yankees. He hates them. He once massacred a mine just because they were Americans. So, tell me, how have you not invoked the ire of Castro? I once went to London and got banned from a restaurant for being American. Clearly you’d stand out in a country of poor people, and farmers. One that hasn’t been updated since 1959.

Let’s take that back, I seriously do not care. Honestly, because it doesn’t change the fact that I will utterly destroy in the ring. I will come at you crazy like. Because I’m on Crack. I will eat your flesh, I will shit in your mouth, and I will piss up your ass. Yes, piss up your ass. Deal with that one,

pants. Not that you’re gay, but them pants are. Did you get them from the Dyke Section? Go abort that fetus in your ho. I gotta bounce, my bae wants to talk to me about our upcoming nuptials. See ya in the ring, bitch boy. Hope you enjoy the taste of my feces."

Frodo and Sarah are going over some wedding cake ideas in the kitchen when she gets a wild idea.

”Change your intro music. Do it.”

”What? No. APM is here to stay. Why would I change it?”

”Because as your wife, I can’t believe I get to say that! As your wife, I don’t have a pussy, so if you’re APMing, you’re cheating on me. I don’t want that to even be an idea.”

”I thought we had an open agreement. You knew I fucked other people. You jerked off as I fucked Iggy!”

”That was different. We weren’t married then. You’re going to stay faithful to me, unless it’s a threesome. Which we will cut down on. And Zoey isn’t allowed at the wedding. I heard what you said to her. You would have ended us for her. Be glad I don’t end us for that.”

”No, babe. I didn’t mean that, I was just trying to get her to say something. You’re my one and only. No one but you. Zoey’s not even that cute.”

”I’d eat that snatch, and fuck her. But none the less, no Zoey. Your cock is now mine, and the only person it pounds is me. No further discussion. Now, let’s think of a new intro for you. How about something by Cher Lloyd?”

”The fuck ugly Gypsy Bitch? Her music is good, but no. We should have a threesome with her. She’s busted, but I can get high first. I’ve caught you jerking it to Swagger Jagger.”

”Nah. No threesomes for a while. You have to earn them. Demi Lovato?”

”Nope. No Selena Gomez, no Jonas Brothers, none of that Disney shit.”

”Didn’t you have a different song before? What was it?”

”Jelly Inside, by MC Chris. And not going back to that. I need something awesome. How about Zealous1?”

”Fine. Level up it is. Now, I’m gonna go to the store, gotta get new shoes for the wedding. Bye, babe. Love you.”

She kissed him, got up, grabbed her purse and left. Frodo looked around for something, and found a nearby bottle of Armand de Brignac’s Brut Gold Champagne. He walked over to the couch, and took off his pants. He then laid with his head on the floor, and ass in the air before popping the cork and sticking the bottle up his poophole. It began to pour and foam up there badly. When Crack walked in.

”What the actual fuck are you doing?”

Frodo rolled on his side giving Crack a full view of his googly bits.

”Getting drunk. Sarah made me change my intro music, and she changed. Now I have to be monogamous, and no more threesomes, or jerking it to Zoey Ryback. It’s not fair, man. I wanted to marry her because she’s not like the rest. She was ok with us fucking other people, as long as we came home to each other, she was good with the threesomes, and if she walked in on me fucking a hot girl she’d pull her cock out and face fuck the bitch. Now, everything’s changed. I bet I don’t get anal anymore, either.”

Frodo looked positively distraught, with a bottle of $300 champagne still in his ass.

”Dude, she doesn’t have a pussy. You only get anal or oral. Don’t be a bitch. And of course she wants you to be monogamous, she’s your wife. When you were just sort of dating things were different. They’re serious now. Get with it, and don’t fuck this up like you did with Gwen. I actually like her. Not look wise, she scares me there. Reminds me of Amy Winehouse. Now, go clean yourself up and get ready to fight Ricky Maine.”

Frodo stood up, pulled the bottle out, and ran off to the bathroom to shower and get ready to train. First, he had to poop.

Several minutes later

”Crack! I need more TP! This shit won’t stop flowing out of me. It’s like Niagara Falls, but made of shit, foam, Champagne, and bad decisions.”

Silence.

”Crack!”

Silence.

”Crack!”

Silence.

”Crack! Fuck, I’m all alone.”

Scene fades to an empty apartment and Frodo’s sobs.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Zoey Ryback's a dirty bitch, and Frodo's getting married. Not to her.
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