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JonPlex · (05-10-2014)

When we last left our hero, Jon Plex, the suspense was paramount! Leading up to this moment frozen in time, Plex had been in search of training methods to ensure maximum safety at his TLC match on Warfare. This lead to the arrival of Michael Phelps, swimming legend, to begin training Plex in an attempt to make him faster than a sexual encounter with Peter Gilmour. Their training was cut short, however, when Todd Vincent, having been scorned earlier by Plex & jeered by Phelps, returned pool side with none other than Ryan Lochte. The mortal enemy of Michael Phelps. A showdown was looming and luckily for us the cameras continue to roll as we take you back to the highly anticipated part two of “The Swim.”

Jon Plex
What is he doing here Todd!?

Todd Vincent
Let’s just say, some people believe he is better suited for the task of turning your ass into a speed machine.

Michael Phelps
Yeah, and those people would be

who lack the ability to count past using their fingers and toes. My twenty-two Olympic medals say otherwise.

Ryan Lochte
I may only have half the medals, but I was on the cover of Vogue magazine and I get way more pussy. You down syndrome looking mongoloid!

Michael Phelps
What’s that? I can’t hear you over the mound of money Subway pays me to eat their shitty chicken teriyaki!

Ryan Lochte
What’s that? Sorry, I was having a hard time concentrating on your babbling while polishing my gold medal from the 400 meter individual medley in London. Remember that one?

Todd Vincent
Looks like if you want maximum speed Jon, you’re in the kiddy pool when you should be hanging out in the deep end with my boy Ryan!

Michael Phelps
Please. Ryan Lochte is a one hit wonder! Like my granddaddy used to always say, “The sun shines on a dog’s ass every once and a while.”

Ryan Lochte
Remember when you called Missy Franklin to ask her out on a date and I answered the phone? That must have been pretty embarrassing!

Todd Vincent
He took yo girl!

Michael Phelps
Ryan is a grown man with braces.

Ryan Lochte
It’s a grill you piece of shit!

Jon Plex
HEY! Look here fellas, we can stand here all day with our dicks in our hands bickering about who’s better or we can settle this right now, once and for all!

Plex did in fact have his dick out in his hand. Everyone there found this to be pretty weird, but for the sake of the situation in hand...no pun intended, decided to not mention it.

Todd Vincent
What are you suggesting Jon?

Jon Plex
You know damn well what I am suggesting!

Todd Vincent
Fine. We shall have a swim off!

Jon Plex
Exactly—what!? No, no not a fucking swim off! What the hell is the matter with you. We are having a pie eating contest!

Ryan Lochte
I don’t think Michael has ever had…pie.

Suddenly The Rock appears. Current day Rock, not the Attitude Era one, because then we could be sued by the XWF for breach of contract for using other wrestlers without permission! Loop holes motherfucker!

The Rock
Did someone say....pie!?

Jon Plex
Get out of here Dwayne! I'm doing a damn promo!

The Rock
:(

Michael Phelps
You’re a riot Ryan! Almost as funny in person as you are during your interviews. The funny part being that you’re actually not trying to be funny. You’re just that awkward.

Jon Plex
Gentlemen, how about we let the pies do the talking?

Pies
Bout damn time!

Jon Plex
Not literally! Sorry guys, you'll just be eaten this time. I promise more lines next time!

Pies
We gotta get a new damn agent!

Michael Phelps
I agree with Jon! That is of course if Ryan isn't too busy trying to be a male model to cover his inadequacies.

Ryan Lochte
Bitch, I’ll turn this pie eating ass kicking I’m about to deliver to you into a photo shoot! Double fucking whammy son!

Jon Plex
Let the contest begin!

In true Jon Plex promo fashion, a table has magically been set up beside the pool during the argument and it lined with two separate rows of delicious, homemade pies. Michael and Ryan take their seats and continue to jeer away at each other while Plex and Todd gather over in the judge’s area.

Todd Vincent
Well this is certainly a totally unrelated way to solve this situation.

Jon Plex
Perhaps…but you know I couldn't pass up an opportunity for a Plex Pie Party!

Todd Vincent
Do you even remember the reason these guys are here in the first place?

Jon Plex
Not really… oh looks like they’re ready to get started!

Michael Phelps
I hope you’re ready to lose again! It’s going to be the 200 meter IM all over again!

Ryan Lochte
Just remember Michael, you don’t have to stalk these pies on Facebook and take them on 50 dates before eating them!

Michael Phelps
Missy is a goddamn liar!

Bang!

Jon Plex
Begin!

Todd Vincent
Goddammit, were did you get another gun from!?

Jon Plex
I’m always strapped!

Both men dive head first, lol see what I did there, into their pies and begin eating away. Ryan looks to take an early lead and he explodes past the first pie with impressive form and moves on to the second one. Phelps looks to be conserving his energy and poised to take a late charge. Pie after pie is being put away by these two magnificent athletes as we come down the stretch. It’s Lochte, now it’s Phelps, both men are really giving it their all in these last few bites!

Jon Plex
Come on Michael! I didn’t purposely get your high before this for nothing!

Todd Vincent
What!? That’s cheating!

Jon Plex
Pfft, this isn't the Olympics! There are no drug tests here Todd!

Todd Vincent
Oh really?

Only a few pies left and it looks like Phelps is starting to amass a lead. He’s high as hell and eating those pies like a pussy eating demon possessed! Todd meanwhile has snuck up behind the table and crept up beside Ryan who seems to be losing steam. Todd pulls out a syringe from his pocket and injects the contents into Ryan’s neck! Lochte’s eyes grow intensely and he begins a furious rally!

Jon Plex
Noooooo!

We’re down to the last pie and both men are neck in neck. Any bite could be the deciding one!

Todd Vincent
FINISH HIM RYAN!

Lochte let’s out a rebel yell and just like America’s most trusted brand of vacuums, Hoover, he sucks up the remaining portion of his pie in a photo finish victory over Michael Phelps!

Ryan Lochte
AMERICA!

Michael Phelps
No! This can’t be!

Todd Vincent
Victory!

Michael Phelps
SCREEEEEEECCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Jon Plex
Whoa Mikey, calm down. It’s just a pie eating contest.

Michael Phelps
QUIET MORTAL!

Mortal? What in the hell is stoned Michael Phelps talking about? Holy shit! Phelps just took the form of the Greek God Poseidon! This isn’t possible!

Poseidon
Oh but it is fool! I am the God of the sea!

Todd Vincent
This explains a lot!

Jon Plex
Yeah… I gotta buy some more of that weed!

Poseidon
Silence fools! You dare speak nonsense in the presence of a God!? I will cast you into the deep sea, sealing your fate to the depths of a watery grave!

Jon Plex
I thought we were cool!?

Poseidon
You have mocked me by measuring my skills in the water with a pie eating contest! These results have no bearing on my reign over all things water!

Ryan Lochte
The only water I see around here is in the form of the tears you’re shedding right now. Big baby!

Todd Vincent
Ryan! Don’t antagonize the angry Greek God!

Poseidon
You’d be wise to listen to your friend boy!

Ryan Lochte
Or what!? You going to ground me…dad?

What the? Now Ryan Lochte is morphing his appearance! It’s Theseus! Slayer of the Minotaur! This shit is getting real cray cray!

Theseus
You never could accept the fact that I grew to be better than you father!

Poseidon
It was your arrogance that earned you my spite Theseus! I have always been proud of your achievements! Not so much your attitude!

Theseus
Hold your tongue old man! I was never your favorite, no matter what I did to impress and honor you! You always favored that one-eyed mutant cyclops! The bastard son!

Poseidon
That’s not true my son!

Theseus
Yes it is! Every time that sheep herder had a problem, daddy always came to his rescue! When Odysseus put out his eye, who came running to aid him!?

Poseidon
His fucking eye was just put out! What was I suppose to do, turn a blind eye?

Theseus
Hahahahaha nice!

Poseidon
Theseus!

Jon Plex
Look I hate to break up this awesome family reunion, but I was wondering if my friend and I could bounce? We kind of have to be somewhere and I didn't want to like catch a trident in the back or be smitten in any way.

Poseidon
Yes, sorry, we've been horrible guests. I apologize. Theseus let’s continue this at home. Mom has made us dinner. Don’t mention the pies though…I’m suppose to be on a diet.

Theseus
Fine! Later dudes!

And just like that, the two dove into the pool and disappeared. That’s Greek Mythology for you! Plex and Todd stand there for a few more seconds of disbelief then slowly make their way back to the hotel.

Todd Vincent
I've been apart of some really wild adventures with you Jonny boy. This one ranks right up there with the best of them.

Jon Plex
All I know is that despite the awesomeness of witnessing a pie eating contest between what turned out later to be a Greek God and his hero son… I didn’t accomplish a damn thing today!

Todd Vincent
In due time my friend. We have all weekend to come up with something else. In the mean time let’s go get something to eat. Watching all that pie eating made me hungry.

Jon Plex
Crab legs at the strip club?

Todd Vincent
Now you’re speaking my language.

Jon Plex
But I’m always speaking English…?

Todd Vincent
Sigh...Let’s go.

Plex just shakes his head in confusion as the two make their departure off to the finest crab leg/strip club in all of Lincoln, Nebraska. That sentence alone has all the makings of another great story for our hero! Until we meet again, all hail Plex!

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