If you really think about it, John Austin is like Pyramid Head. Not in the sense that he's in anyway threatening or intimidating or even in the context of the first game he appeared in the closest monster to resembling masculinity in an otherwise effeminate cast of ghouls by being the fucking stereotype for meat headed, rape tastic, carrying a big ass sword to make up for a lacking rape tool and being unnerving as all fuck.

Now, if I'm ripping away all the positive aspects of Pyramid Head and then comparing him to John Austin, you have to wonder how this comparison works at all? Well, the answer to that my dear viewership base is simple: he's the biggest dead horse in this entire federation and when Barney Green jokes are still funny to a majority of these mouth breathers, you know you're into some deep, trying too little mess.

Pyramid Head was introduced in Silent Hill 2 and for all intents and purposes, should have stayed there with his big ass knife and vaguely Egyptian in classification face, raping mannequins until the end of time. Instead, he gets plucked out to pander to half fans who weren't actually fans of the game itself, just the lumbering fucknugget.

John Austin in this fucking Satan worshiping intelligence targeting form of Chinese Water Torture managed to do just that to all off the XWF viewers and talent alike. Continuously using the same tired, cliche spouting points over and over again to detract from the point that he hasn't had an original thought enter his head since he first started talking like a teenager who's trying too hard to impress the goth chick in his math class with his contrived beyond belief uses of supposedly Satanic imagery and threats to take peoples' souls and sell them on the sacrilegious black market.

Has it really gotten to the point when a masked idiot who can't even pronounce my name correctly can make a more convincing threat than you, John. Maybe it's because there's less of him in general, so by association there's less footage of him totally failing to make any of his threats into anything more than just that. A threat. A useless decree that in no way strikes fear into the hearts of people who've never even seen you, let alone someone who stood across from you, laughed your spiel in the face and proceeded to make a mockery out of everything you stood for by beating the very man you allied yourself with earlier on.

And yet you still think you can do half of what you say you're going to?

Fuck, I could spend the entirety of this promo ripping you on the stupidity you exert every time you open your mouth and not even bring in the promo where you spoke about this match but just because you went to the trouble of doing it, it would feel like I was ignoring your latest, greatest, monument to simplicity wrapped in the guise of being dark when intentionally cliche for comedic effect pseudo horror films pull off the bloodthirsty image you're going for better and you're doing it with a straight face and without the slightest tinge of irony!

Slicing my wrists with a butter knife until I either manage to cut the veins or get carpel tunnel from anticipation sounds like a much better way to alleviate my "I'm crazy, I must have" masochistic urges, but that's beside the fucking point.

Oh great, he starts this spiel, spieling about how he's seen death and destruction and got a raging erection for it. Must be real fun jacking it to Hostel Part 3 but imaging yourself in the fucking movie, doing snow angels in the liters of fake blood is a little obsessive, is it not? Also, editing in the death scenes to include your initials just makes you look desperate to be that supposedly badass motherfucker you keep deluding yourself into thinking you are.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait a fucking second! He addresses me by talking about how I "preached the word of solitude" like I have any fucking clue what he's on about. Newsflash, you brain dead dickmonkey: I've done no such thing. Ever. No amount of brick walls that you choose to bash your skull into will make that idiotic statement true but feel free to keep doing it. It's really fucking entertaining, Chief Foot-in-Mouth.

You are a fallacy. A walking fallacy. A living, breathing, glue eating fallacy. So when I talk about you being a fallacy, I'm calling the grass that you claim your imaginary armies that only can see are trampling over in your greatest wet dreams green. I'm calling the sky blue and I'm calling you a fucking because you are a fucking .

Right, don't bring up your losses to me because that would further destroy your fucking credibility. In fact, why'd you even acknowledge those other encounters if you're all about stealing souls and ripping beating hearts out like a Kano with a learning disability or seventeen? Wait, I answered my own question: you have those seventeen learning disabilities. Let me put this in words you can understand: you no think well say stupid shit.

Fuck, I used stupid. Too many syllables.

Then he talks about how the normal procedures for winning are too bland for him and he doesn't care about that, following that gem up with the most contrived way of getting across his insatiable bloodlust but at the same time going out of his way to donkey punch his previous statement as he fucked it unwillingly up the ass with a thick, rusted metal pipe! Claiming he wants to rip my ribcage open and steal my soul: something that would take much more effort and more importantly would leave me in a position to get pinned for the conventional way of victory!

What a shithead.

Oh, then there's this:

Quote:I am going to do you a favor Diaz. I am going to bring you one of my ball gags that Christine uses on me and before I rip your soul out of your flesh, I am going to place it in your mouth because there is nothing more than I hate than a bitch who screams. Hehehe get ready Diaz because its a whole new John Austin stepping into this ring this Monday night and nothing would make it better than to drain all the blood from your body and bathe in it. Wash every part of my black heart with the blood of a champion....Hehehe see you soon Diaz.