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Tri Bute · **02-18-2014, 01:58 AM**

Future Letter To The Future Editor:

“Dear Tri Bute,

I loved the first few issues you put out, but there are too many things in issue #18 that seem to rub me the wrong way. I think it’s because it is so different from the other issues with its non-chronological storytelling; do you think you can help me follow this story better in any way? Or should I just stop reading? I’m starting to get the Putney Swope Panic.” – Able, 31, AL, Present Earth

Dear Able,

I would love to have your continued readership and support, however, if you feel like my biography isn’t moving in an interesting direction or the pacing is too slow there isn’t very much I can do to fix it. The day that ISSUE #18 took place on was very heavy and slow for all of us that were involved in that catastrophe and I want my writing make you feel like you were there; I feel like the ‘How I Met Your Mother Season 9’ pacing is effectively putting that in that idea of a slow and stressful work environment in the reader’s head.

After watching the film ‘Man of Steel’ a couple months ago I became inspired to tell this section of my life story in a similar fashion. Sometimes knowing what happens then seeing what caused it can be more exciting than a completely chronological experience.

I could map out the story so far for you but I think it would take too much time right now and I need to get a jump on some other questions; I think there are various summaries and reviews scattered across the Internet that may help you with your query for now.

In regards to whether or not you should continue reading, my stance is that if you’ve made it this far you may as well keep going. Just like Season 9 of How I Met Your Mother, I think the ending will be satisfying enough to warrant the meandering and time seeming to stand still.

Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
“And The XWF Xtreme Champion if you happen to be reading this after Olympic Madness”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

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“Dear Tri Bute,

I am the biggest Steve Davids fan in the world. He’s so badass and hot; I wish I were you just so I could get pinned by that hunk. You probably see Steve more often than I do; is he always so badass and hawt backstage?” – Mary, 49, AS, Present Earth

Dear Mary,

You’re a very funny lady! However, I don’t think Steve would wrestle you since he is afraid to defend his championship against anyone especially women. I had to wait a month and a half to get my match with him because he was too busy losing to guys who weren’t worthy contenders in non-title matches.

So is he a ‘badass’ backstage? No, he’s a coward. Is he good-looking? I’m not going to be the judge of that since where I’m from the gene pool has much less ugly; I’m incapable of seeing Steve Davids and judging his appearance by today’s standards.

If you want to, Mary, I could have you flown in; I heard through the grapevine that Davids has been valuing objects more than people lately and a fat Samoan cougar might be just what he needs to reconsider his belt fetish.

Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
“And The XWF Xtreme Champion if you happen to be reading this after Olympic Madness”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

PS: I’m not joking, call the phone number in the e-mail I sent you if you are interested in the Steve Davids experience. Maybe he’ll do more than just pin you.

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“Dear Tri Bute,

Does typing ‘future’ get you off?” – Aaron, 14, NY, Present Earth

“Dear Tri Bute,

You sure say future a lot, what are you some kind of FUCKING WEIRDO!!?” – Nicky, 12, WV, Present Earth

“Dear Tri Bute,

It said future 473 future times! LOL!” – Bryce, 13, SC, Present Earth

“Dear Tri Bute,

I get that your from the future or whatever, but can you stop shoving it in my fucking face? I want to read you’re comics without getting my intelligence insulted.” – Erin, 15, VA, Present Earth

“Dear Tri Bute,

Steve Davids made an observation earlier that absolutely shocked me! I didn’t notice but your future comics say the word ‘future’ too many times. Why don’t you go play video games instead of typing your future fantasies you fucking nerd?” – Serv, 13, DC, Present Earth

Dear Various Children,

The future comics aren’t written in English. They are written in Future English. I was surprised initially at the amount of English speakers that were able to understand my writing, but as my English lessons have commenced over the past six months I have noticed a shocking amount of similarities between the two languages. Not much changed fundamentally in the shift from Future English to English for me. I just end up using the word ‘future’ less and less as I grasp your language.

This is just a cultural difference. All cultures have them. I just hope you all aren’t writing these mean things to Spanish comics and telling them to stop using ‘si’ instead of ‘yes’.

Erin, you got your forms of ‘your’ mixed up there, but don’t worry I was able to figure out what you meant.

Serv, I have yet to dabble in the ‘video game’ art form as of yet, but it is on my to do list. I’m more interested in the paintings on this time period right now. I think you and Steve Davids might’ve had me confused with Marshall Cage, XWF’s video game connoisseur.

This has reminded me that I do miss my Future PlayStation though! I left it in the future, sadly, so I’ll have to wait a few thousand years for it to come out and a few thousand more if I want a to play a good future video game.

Love, (Platonically)
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
“And The XWF Xtreme Champion if you happen to be reading this after Olympic Madness”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

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“Dear Tri Bute,

Once I was reading one of your comics and I literally laughed my butt off. Peter Gilmour would’ve sued the shit out of you for that, but I’m a real man. I’m gonna give you props, future breh, good job! You did what every Internet comedian wants to do. And now I get to see you ice skate! That’s so awesome I literally skate all the time. Anyway thanks for the laughs!

PS: Don’t respond to this, I don’t want to laugh my dick off!" – Dunko, 18, NH, Present Earth

Dear Dunko,

You’re probably too busy skating right now to read this, but I’ll respond anyway. Hopefully, this will stay as humorless as possible so it doesn’t cost you your ability to reproduce.

This must be another cultural difference, because I don’t think I’ve ever typed a joke in a single future comic, Dunko! Regardless, I am glad you find enjoyment in my writing, just try not to hurt yourself again.

I’m a little nervous about ice-skating; I’ve only ever stood on future ice before but from what I remember it was quite slippery. I’m not sure if ice possesses the same properties as future ice does and I’ve been too swamped with the latest edition of ISSUE #18 to perform any tests. I still think I’ll be able to pull out the win though; I’ve been watching the ice skaters at the Olympics and it looks really easy.

Sorry if this caused more bodily harm,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
“And The XWF Xtreme Champion if you happen to be reading this after Olympic Madness”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Future Letter To The Future Editor #4: Able, Mary, Various Children, Dunko
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