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P.T. "Fatback" Filmour · (12-14-2013)

I remember it all like it was yesterday, man. I mean, hell, it was really only about a month or so ago. The love of my life…My reason for being…The man that brought me into this world threw me out like yesterday’s hot, wet, cheese powder covered garbage.

Peter Gilmour decided that 10+ reigns as Xtreme Champion wasn’t good enough. Peter Gilmour decided that being known as the most extreme mother fucker in this place wasn’t good enough. I guess, anyway. ‘Cause what happened was he let the voices get to him.

All them jokie jokes. All the “Gilmour’s fat! Look at him! He’s so fat!” got under his fat fucking skin and he got rid of it. Well, lemme’ ask you somethin’ Pete…What about Rose, huh? Everybody makes fun of ya’ ‘bout her too, don’t they? I don’t see you trimmin’ that fat and tossin’ it the damn gutter, do I? DO I!?

Lemme’ take you back, Pete. Lemme’ take you back to what you fuckin’ did to me.

You looked at these assholes that make fun of you and you decided they were more important than the guy that had been there this whole time. You decided they were more important to you than ol’ Fatback.

We were having a good day. Nothing out of the ordinary. We were just sittin’ on the couch watchin’ reruns of our favorite show, motherfucking Jersey Shore. Then you got online and started reading all that bullshit and you went to IHOP down the road. We shared the whole breakfast menu one and a half times and you cried. Who was there to console you, Pete? Me. Goddamn Fatback. Them crocodile tears just fell right on me, dog. I was all jiggling and shit tryin’ to cheer you up, but you weren’t havin’ it that night. Nope. That night, there was no squeezzin’ me so I’d pucker up your belly button. There was no shakin’ me side to side or droppin’ me up and down and giggling like a goddamn idiot.

No, what you did was you went out back to where you had that “doctor” waiting with the fuckin’ scaple and the vacuum. He milked you, boss. You let him fuckin’ milk you. You know what he did to me? Maybe you don’t, you left in a hurry lookin’ like your new self.

That sorry sack of shit emptied me out on the side of the road, short-stack. I went into a drain and ended up in the sewer. Just so happened somebody had let some industrial waste was in there too. I got all up in that shit, dog. It so gross, man, you shoulda’ seen that shit. Me, just a big ol’ pile of sloppy fat and shit mixing in with actual shit, and hair and that nasty ass green ooze shit.

Then I just started growing. It was some freaky ass Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shit, only instead of a ninja turtle, I just grew into a version of you, Pete. The real version of you, you know? The big, stanky, hairy, farting, always-hungry, man-loving real version of you that still lives down deep up in you. The thing is, Pete, we both know that whether I win or lose next Thursday, you’ll always have a bit of ol’ Fatback up in ya’.

Now Pete, I know I done said some fucked up shit, and I’m sorry as a mug. I shoulda’ never said nothin’ ‘bout revenge and all that shit. It just really hurt my feelings, you know? You getting’ rid of me and all. I spent weeks out in the cold, in the damn sewers and all sorts of shit. Had to give out HJs for a damn burger, but that wasn’t so bad after watchin’ what you used to do to Rose.

You know what it’s like, Petey? You have any idea how it feels to be so used to a certain way of life and have it ripped away from you by the person you loved the most? The person that gave you everything at one point, and that you did everything to make happy…Man, you remember all the fun we had just dropping me on top of Rose’s big-ass head when she was huntin’ for your dick? You know what it’s like to have that person just ditch you?

It sucks, Pete. I ain’t really interested in revenge or nothin’ but I do need to vent somehow. Talkin’ ‘bout this shit ain’t really workin’ and since I know you need me as much as I need you and you ain’t willin’ to see reason, I guess Imma’ have to get up in ya’ by force. Ya’ heard?

We both know you ain’t shit without me, bro. We both know that. Everybody in the XWF knows that. You without me is like chicken without parmesan. It’s like mac without cheese. It’s like Rose without a dick bouncin’ off her balls.

And, that’s right, I ain’t shit without you either. This ain’t about tryin’ to make you look like a chump or nothin’…This is for both of us. I wish like hell you’d just see reason. You kept tryin’ to back outta’ this, and I can’t blame you for real. It shows you know how dangerous I am. You know that what we did together, you couldn’t have done alone. The thing is, for all of you tryin’ to back outta’ this ass kickin’ you gone be getting’, alls you had to do was just TAKE YOUR FATBACK!

Goddamn, you a stubborn fucker.

Now, here we are. Stuck at the point of no damn return with you tryin’ to act hard and we both soft as fuck. We only get hard together, dog. Since you tryin’ to avoid makin’ yourself better, here I am about to have to beat some sense, some goddamn fat back into your ass. Rest assured, homie…No matter how hard you fight, no matter how hard you try to run, to try to back outta’ this shit, or to beg someone to save your bitchass….

Imma’ get up in ya’.

Suck my shit, bitch.

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