Tri Bute: Our Future Lord, Our Great Future King: A Biographical Future Comic
ISSUE #1 (Part 2)
Conception: Uni M. Portant

Previously on ISSUE #1:

“Tra, I don’t know; I don’t really go to future parties that often.”

“Stop being a geemenoid.”

“You’re going to try and find a future mother for your future children? You want me to do this too?”

“We’re headed to the future clothes future store!”

“The one on 8th Future Street?”

“No, that’s just a future clothes store,”

“We got to get our swag on, future breh.”

“Come on, the future OBEY shirts are over here.”

“If you want future bitches on your future dick, this is the future brand to buy.”

“These future pants told me my future milt has a powerful future soul within it. The future stitching is amazing as well. My future hat is off to the future manufacturer.”

“J.I.Z.Z. will triumph and finally be secreted into Futrue Earth, our great future planet. My future call will be heard by every future man and future women. The angular one will see to it. Ultimate control will be mine.”

---

Tri Angle stared into the future mirror and admired his future aesthetics. He was all dressed up and fancy-like for the future party.

“I can’t wait until my future mate sees me in this. She’ll be all like, “Show me the future beavers responsible for this future dayum!” That would be so hot. I don’t think anyone has pulled off a future OBEY shirt quite like me either.

I was nervous about this future party, but I think that future shopping trip with my future nigga did that away. That future shopping trip changed me; I’m ready to future mate.”

“Oh course you are, angular one. You have me. No future woman could refuse my future stitching.”

Tri Angle patted his hips, “Yea, just like I couldn’t. I love you, future pants! Do you have a name?”

“My future name is unimportant it’s abo-,”

“Your future parents must have been future assholes. That’s a mean future name to give to a pair of future pants.”

“No, I mean, wel-,”

“I’m sure they did mean well, but giving you the future name Unimportant is just like asking you to get future bullied. Maybe they should have called you Uni M. Portant, that sounds like a future unicorn businessman’s future name.”

“I’m not a future unicor-,”

“Do you know if future unicorns can fly? This line in a song has been bugging me for the longest future time. My future therapist didn’t want to tell me because it would contribute to my “trying to find something wrong with everything” future problem, but come on a future unicorn is just a future horse with a future horn. Sometimes it’s magic. Is that why they can fly because they have a magic future horn?”

“Um, I’m not too sure ac-,”

“Is there anything you do know about? I guess my expectations were a little too high. Now that I know you’re just a dumb pair of talking future pants with a dumb future name, and you can’t answer any of my important, unlike your future name, future questions, I guess I can take you off of the future pedestal I had you on before. Can you tell me something interesting about yourself?”

“Well, I kind of like classic science fict-,”

“Oh, did you ever realize the Star Wars prequels were future shit? I mean yea, I liked Darth Vader, but was there any reason to make him the virgin-birthed chosen one? Oh, also, I get CGI was cool and all at the time, but maybe George Lucas could have told that Obi Wan guy to do something other than just stand there while General Grievous did that awesome light saber twirl routine. It’s pretty obvious that when George Lucas decided to make those movies he didn’t care about the art of filmmaking, but all the money it was going to make him.

Han shot fir-,” just then, Angle’s future pants future zipped on his future dick.

“Shut up,”

“Ow!” Tri Angle reached down for his future groin, it didn’t future bleed, but it hurt.

“Can I get a future word in fo-,”

“Sure you can! I like having a future breh I can talk to when I’m all alone like this. Unimportant, you are the best pair of future jeans a future guy could have! Ever since I was a tiny little future boy I future wished and future prayed to Zeusrion, our great future creator, that one future day I’d have a talking future pet. Well, my future wish was granted, here you are! Sure, you’re not a talking future puppy, but a talking pair of future pants works for me too!

What were you saying before? Sorry, my future therapist says I have an “interrupting people” future problem. Sorry if it makes you feel like I don’t care about what you think, but this future conversation has been really enthralling. I just can’t help my-future-self. I’ve always wanted to talk to other people’s future pants, so, talking to my own is really the next best thing.”

“Just forget I said anything. It was unimporta-,”

“Oh, like your future name! I get it. Don’t you just love when future conversations go full future circle like that?”

This will be difficult.

---

The future party was so cool. There were future people future dancing and doing future drugs. It was one of the top ten future moments in my future life. It was all down-future-hill from there though. We'll get to that later.

“Okay, Tri, I’m going in.”

“Good luck, future breh,”

Tra Pezoid walked up to some future chick and started putting the future moves on her. Tri Angle looked on and sipped at his future Jack and future Coke.

“What are you waiting for? The future time is now, angular one; the future vessel, you’re other future half is here. I can future feel it.”

“You think so, Unimportant?”

“I know so, through this future crowd lies the one future women capable of bearing the future soul. Find her, angular one, win her over with your future clothing!”

Tri Angle watched Tra Pezoid’s future movements closely; that future guy had a way with future women. He was just so future romantic and future dreamy, and he always wore kickin’ future clothes. However, what he was trying to future do this particular future night was settle down. Pezoid was looking to make future babies, well, they both were, but it was his future idea.

“I’m waiting for a future sign of some kind. I don’t want to just wander out into the future fray. I have a future plan for tonight, Unimportant. Your future stitching is going to work its future magic; I’m sure of it, but we’ll just have to wait for her to show up.”

Tra Pezoid quickly turned away from the future woman and retreated back to Tri Angle.

“She just tried to tell me future vanilla extract is called dark future vanilla. What a future idiot. I think I’m over this.”

Tra Pezoid really didn’t like it when future people didn’t know proper future terminology.

“That’s too bad, future breh,”

“Maybe I was just being stupid when I future thought of having a future kid this future year. I think maybe I should just go future home and forget about this future party.”

“Hold on, future breh. You can't give up that easily. You just need to future relax,” Tri Angle handed Tra Pezoid a future joint, “Just light that dank future shit up, future breh. There are plenty of other future fish in the future sea.”

“You think so?”

“I know so,” purred Tri Angle as he kissed Pezoid’s future forehead. “Everything will be okay, future breh.”

FUTURE EXPLOSION!

That’s when the bad things happened.

---

“GET DOWN!”

“Is the future room spinning, future breh?”

Future bullets rushed past Tra Pezoid's future face as he spun himself.

“I think that just might be you.”

Tri Angle grabbed Pezoid by the future head and pulled him down behind an overturned future table. The future psy-bullets rushed overhead with a booming rata-tat-tat.

“I am future high as future fuck right now, future breh.”

“That’s cool and all, but we are getting future shot at, so I think we should save this conversation for a little later.”

That’s when the future fist slammed into Tri Angle’s future face; the angular one fell back onto a future corpse. Tra Pezoid stumbled to his future feet.

“It was a future conversation, future breh.”

Pezoid grabbed Tri Angle by the future collar and jerked him closer. “They are called future conversations, don’t ever forget that again.” Tra Pezoid really hated it when future people got their future terminology wrong.

“Future breh, chill, we should really get down; they are going to future shoot aga-,” the future fist crunched against Angle’s future jaw knocking him back to the future floor.

FUTURE RATA-TAT-TAT! FUTURE RATA-TAT-TAT!

Tra Pezoid dropped to his future knees. His future body was now covered with future bullet holes. They didn’t future bleed, but they hurt. Pezoid grabbed Tri Angle again and pulled him closer.

“Future breh, my future torso, I think something is wrong. It’s totally killing my future high.”

“Is this how all future parties end up, future breh?”

“Maybe," Tra Pezoid future coughed, "those future robots didn’t show up last future time, future breh.”

Tra Pezoid’s future breaths soon became more spaced out, but Tri Angle yanked his future head to his future chest.

“Your future jeans weren't wrong. Go! Find her! You’re wearing a future OBEY shirt. You can talk to your future pants. You’re one with the future man-made; if anyone can send these future robots back to wherever they came from; it’s you.”

“You think so?”

“I know so,” Tra Pezoid kissed Angle’s future forehead. “Leave me here to future die and future decompose. I think I can future feel the last future breaths coming out of me. Those damn future robots. They hit both of my future lungs.”

“Save your future breath, future breh.”

“Take this future Tommy gun. Avenge me. Plant your future seed. Make that future soul. Never forget how old your future child is. So many future regrets; I’m future dead.”

Tra Pezoid’s future lifeless future body slumped backwards. Tri Angle took the future Tommy gun as he embraced his dead future breh for the last future time. After letting go of his only future friend, Tri Angle future thrust kicked the future table forward and followed it with a future front roll. He quickly spun out of future cover and fired blindly into the future sea of future metal.

FUTURE RATA-TAT-TAT! FUTURE RATA-TAT-TAT! CLANK! FUTURE EXPLOSION! FUTURE RATA-TAT-TAT! FUTURE RATA-TAT-TAT!

A future extendo-claw-X400 launched at Tri Angle, but he caught it in his future mouth and kept firing.

FUTURE RATA-TAT-TAT! FUTURE RATA-TAT-TAT!

Future robot blood poured out of the future death machines and onto the future floor. The rest of the future robots retreated as Tri Angle continued to fire at them.

“Let the future hatred guide you, angular one. Destroy the metallic future demons; claim your future prize.”

FUTURE RATA-TAT-TAT! FUTURE RATA-TAT-TAT! FUTURE RATA-TAT-TAT! FUTURE RATA-TAT-TAT!

“This is why I don’t go to future parties!”

Tri Angle fired the last future bullet and fell to the future floor with a future thud. Nothing moved for a future moment. The future floor was drenched in future robot blood. It wasn’t long before the future paramedics arrived to clean up the future mess. Tri Angle’s wounded future arms were future bandaged with care.

“Angular one, you future did something here. You served justice to those filthy future robots. You showed integrity, here. Zankustility burned through you as you reduced Futrue Earth’s inva-,”

“You say Future Earth future weird. ‘Futrue’, that sounds kind of funny!”

The future pants let out a future sigh. It was going to say something about J.I.Z.Z., but the future moment was future ruined.

“Okay, it’s future time for future phase two. We’re getting a future babe future pregnant, for my future breh.”

Tri Angle looked back at his future breh's future corpse and future nodded.

That's what he'd want me to future do.

"Pink is my signature color!" - Elle Woods