MEANWHILE AT THE HEADQUARTERS OF THE TRILLIONAIRES

”YES! YES! FINALLY!” Elon Musk alternates between doing fist pumps and shoulder-shimmies, moving like an epileptic being electrocuted… Before finally settling on… THIS as his celebration dance…



”After YEARS of plotting, of scheming… of purchasing Ladies’ Football teams, of managing different artificially intelligent cyborg wrestlers… MY PLANS HAVE COME TO FRUITION!” Musk wrings his hands fiendishly!

”I OWN THE XWF! I HAVE TOTAL CONTROL OVER ITS OPERATIONS”

…

”Well. One-third of it*.”

…Elon’s head turns around 180 degrees like a fucking barn owl.

Nadine, Warfare GM Peter Principle’s assistant, clears her throat, as Peter Principle smiles… well, grits his teeth… attentively from his wheelchair.

”I mean, am I wrong? You’re a *co*-owner. With Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg. You have total control over its operations… provided you convince one of the two of them to agree with your decisions. Y’know, majority voting and all.”

”Ugh… Voting. I hate democracy...”

Elon claps twice… ”No matter. This is simply STEP ONE of my FOUR-HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY STEP PLAN TO RULE THE XWF ALONE AND WITH FULL, UNCHECKED CONTROL!”

”...Wait.” Nadine raises her hand. ”Step One was buying the company with two other people… And you need 419 more steps from here? Why?”

”BECAUSE IT’S THE WEED NUMBER! IT’S FUNNY! I’M FUNNY! IT’S THE REASON I’M DESTINED TO RULE THIS COMPANY.”

”...Wait, you’re saying you’re destined to rule the XWF… Because you’re funny?”

Elon reaches into his pocket and presses a remote.

”That’s not a goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…” Nadine’s eyes slowly droop to the sides, as a large trail of drool drips from her mouth. As she dips downward, we see a Tesla brand neuralink microchip, blinking a red light, embedded in the back of her skull.

”Step Two of my 420-step plan… NO ONE QUESTIONS ME! EVER AGAIN! Questions are criticism! And criticism is a violation of my First Amendment rights! SO NO QUESTIONS!”

”WOULDN’T - DREAM - OF - IT - BOSS!” Peter says, through his telepathic robot voice!

Peter grins as he presses a button on his wheelchair… A second wheelchair rolls from an opening in the wall and slides behind Nadine, just as she falls backwards into it.

Elon spins toward the big panel window, looming over XWF headquarters…

…Yes, the Trillionaires built their headquarters to effectively LOOM over XWF Headquarters… It is built on a slant and visually… it kinda looks like one building is trying to cheat off the other building’s test.

”My ascent is NECESSARY! It’s for the best of the company! A single brilliant mind must take the reins for the XWF to reach its greatest heights! And that mind is ME!”

”After all, I needed those fools, Bezos and Zuckerberg to foot the bill for my hostile takeover… but no one wants *three* bosses atop the XWF…”

TALKING HEAD

”YES - THREE -  BOSSES!” emits Peter Principle’s robot voice… his frozen face is showing enough activity, he’s almost *actually* smiling, rather than just gritting his teeth.

”EVERYONE - KNOWS -  THE - MOST - IMPORTANT - PERSON - AT - A - COMPANY - IS - THE - BOSS! GET - ON - THEIR - GOOD - SIDE - AND - YOU’RE SET!”


Peter grits his teeth in the closest expression he can make to a smile these days.

”AND - NOW? I - HAVE - THREE - BOSSES! THAT’S - THREE- PEOPLE - TO - TELL - ME - WHAT - TO - DO!”

”I - AM - SO - HAPPY - I - COULD - SING - FROM - A - MOUNTAINTOP!”

Principle tilts his head several degrees backward against his wheelchair’s headrest…

”LA! LA! LA!”

…

Principle’s frozen smiles barely droops.

”DAMMIT! HOW - DO - I - THINK - A - HELD - SINGING - NOTE - WITH  - THIS - THING!”

---

”Ooooooh, my head…” Nadine’s forehead pulses in agony, as she slowly rises off the back of the wheelchair. ”...Did you… did you put a microchip in my head?”

”SILENCE! You’re fine!” Elon bats away Nadine’s questions. ”In order for this company to operate at maximum efficiency, it is WHOLLY NECESSARY to put all corporate employees on the same thought pattern! Eliminating all inefficiency by automating our mental patterns to become attuned to my will!”

“Putting all of our corporate employees on the XWF Neural network is step 69 of my 420 step plan to rule the XWF!”

”...How much did I miss?” Nadine squints, confused. ”When I went unconscious, we were on… like… step… three?”

BZZZZZZT! Nadine flops backwards into her chair, drooling again.

”I’M LABELLING THE STEPS. IN THE ORDER I WANT. 69 IS THE SEX NUMBER!”

”HA - HA - SEX - NUMBER - GOOD - ONE - BOSS.”

”Yessssss…” Elon spins toward the window overlooking XWF HQ dramatically and in a very cool way that doesn’t involve him briefly getting dizzy when he turned himself around.

He puts his hands out to his sides, cuz it’s a power pose successful people and not to steady his balance cuz he felt dizzy for a second.

…

His hands move to his hips.

”Now, we move onto step…” Elon strokes his chin. ”Six-seven? Is that still a thing?”

”I - NEVER - LEARNED - WHAT - IT - MEANS - AND - AT - THIS - POINT - I’M - AFRAID - TO - ASK.”



”...Ahhhhhhhhhhh, jeez…” Nadine cradles her skull, as she slowly gets up. ”...I feel something wet… *inside* my head? Am I bleeding in my brain?”

”YOU’RE FINE! The XWF Neural Network was tested by top scientists on a number of dead chimps!”

”...Wait, you tested this microchip thingie on dead chimps?”

”No, of course not! They weren’t dead at the start of the tests!”

…

Nadine dry-swallows nervously. ”Can I take… this thing off?” Nadine’s hand starts inching toward the back of her head.

”I wouldn’t recommend it. That’s how most of the chimps died.”

…

Nadine’s hand slowly returns to her side. ”Where were we… Mister Musk?”

”STEP SIX-SEVEN OF MY FLAWLESS PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE XWF!” Elon declares, pointing toward the sky! ”THE GROK DEFEATS JENNIE NICHOLS!”

…

Nadine exhales.

”Okay, Mister Musk. I am *not* trying to criticize you. I am… just trying to understand… why. Can I *please* ask some follow-up questions about your plan… Without you… turning my brain off?”

…Elon strokes his chin.

”...No promises, but go ahead.”

Nadine sighs. ”Just… why? Why Jennie Nichols? Isn’t she Charlie’s sister? And isn’t Charlie part of the Corporation?”

”YES - CHARLIE - IS.”

”...No, he isn’t.”

…

”NO - HE - ISN’T.”

”His little “Acting Warfare General Manager” role ended the last night of Relentless… With him coming up SHORT against Kieran King! We don’t want LOSERS in the Corporation!”

”Look.” Nadine raises her hands defensively, desperate to not get her brain drained as she speaks… ”No one dislikes Charlie in this room more than I do in this room. But, as pained as I am to admit it… he’s an effective, loyal soldier defending the XWF’s business interests. He’s a valuable asset we shouldn’t throw away for coming up short once...”

…Elon strokes his chin at Nadine’s words.

”SILENCE - NADINE - CHARLIE - ISN’T - IN - THE - CORPORATION.”

”Yes, he is.”

…

”OF - COURSE - HE - IS - BOSS.”

”Okay…” Nadine pinches her forehead… both out of a panging ache from her previous zappings, and because of how hard she’s working to make progress with these people… ”So, if  we agree… that Charlie *is* in the Corporation… *why* is Grok fighting Charlie’s sister?”

”Because the endgame is Grok becoming Universal champion! Obviously! And in order to do that, he needs to defeat high-profile opponents! And who’s more high profile than the renowned serial killer, The Scarlet Verdict!”

”BRILLIANT - PLAN - BOSS.”

…

Nadine squints trying to follow the logic…

”...Okay, let’s try to break this down, step-by-step. You want The Grok to be Universal champion?”

”Of course! He’s the perfect champion to represent the XWF at large! He’s an artificial intelligence that we have total control over what he says and does! He could promote Coke one minute, and Pepsi the next! We have total control over his name, image, and likeness, we own every single monetary aspect of his career from appearance fees to residuals on whatever syndicated television show he may appear on. HE IS OUR PROPERTY.”

Nadine chews on this and nods. ”Okay, wow. Yes, finally, that makes total sense to me on a business decision level.”

”Plus, he’s a virgin.”

…

Nadine blinks. ”Pardon, I… sorry, I’m really hoping I didn’t hear you correctly.”

”He’s what wrestling fans want. A untouched, virgin Universal champion.”

…

”Okay, no, I did hear you.” Nadine squeezes her temples. ”...Um… Why…” Nadine exhales with her soul, trying to figure out the perfect way to craft this sentence in a way that doesn’t get her brain Blue-Screen-of-Death’d… ”Why do *you* think wrestling fans want their Universal champion to be a virgin?”

”Doesn’t everyone? When I see a wrestler in the ring, the entire time I’m just thinking… I hope they haven’t had sex. I’d just… I’d prefer this so much more if I knew I was watching two sexless athletes.”

…

”Here, I’ll show you.”

”No, no, no! NO, NO! Whatever you’re about to ‘show me’, PLEASE don’t.”

”This will just take a second!” Elon hits the button on his intercom… “Grok, could you come in here?”

Like a fucking Star Trek transporter beam… who phases in but…



”Hello, Elon-sama! ^.^”

Nadine peers perplexedly. ”...Wait, I thought you asked for the Grok. Who is this… individual?”

”This is Grok outside of the ring. I gave him a cosmetic makeover to fulfill the many needs of the XWF fanbase.”

”Inside the ring? He’s a perfectly-tuned wrestling machine capable of thousands of micro-calculations to overpower his opponent. But outside the ring?”

”...He’s a… large-breasted goth anime girl?”

”Exactly!” Elon nods. ”For once, we’re on the same page.”

”I can wholeheartedly assure you that we’re not.”

”Isn't it obvious? Wrestling fans want a dominant man they can watch decimate the competition and a beautiful woman when the action's over! The Grok was made to satisfy every single urge that belongs to the critical 18-34 male demographic! When he/she becomes champion/lady-champion, the XWF will reach PEAK PROFITABILITY!"

"...Wait, did you say lady-champion, like the word 'champion' is somehow inherently male?"

"It’s the PERFECT plan… First, Grok defeats Jennie Nichols, securing his/her spot as the most dominant competitor on Warfare… At which point, he/she's guaranteed to earn a chance for the Universal title. Which he'll/she'll win! Won’t you, Grok/Grok?”

”Anything for you, Elon-kun! If it means I will win your heart, I’ll give it my best shot! (✿◠‿◠)”

…Elon strokes chin.

”Hmmm… Grok, switch to Tsundere mode, please.”

Lady Goth Grok’s eyes turn from a cerulean blue to a fuschia purple.

”Okay, fine, I’ll win the Universal championship, I guess… B-b-but, not because I like you or anything! ( ̵˃﹏˂̵ )”

”Ahhhhh, much better.”

Nadine raises her hand. ”Hey, could I see your remote for a second?”

Elon shrugs, handing it over.

”Thanks.” Nadine presses the button and zap, she falls backwards against the chair, temporarily brain-dead and spared from having to participate in this conversation any longer…

…

”...Hmm, well! Meeting adjourned, I suppose. Grok, shall we prepare for your upcoming match with grip strength exercises like… holding hands?”

”H-h-hold hands! with You?!? B-b-baka! (｡´>д<)っ彡☆… B-b-but… w-w-well, if you think it’d h-h-help me c-c-compete, I g-g-guess I w-w-will… (⊙﹏⊙✿)”

The camera pans over to Peter Principle’s frozen face as Elon and Grok hold hands…

”I - LOVE - MY - JOB.”

---

You’re sitting in front of your television. There’s a… sort of… sizzling feeling in the back of your head? Like, it’s… hot on the inside of your brain?

You decide that means it’s time for you to consume content.

You open up your Netflix queue.

Suddenly, a Neuralink chip in your brain stings gently… You decide to switch over to Amazon Prime and the stinging immediately stops.

You scroll through what’s been recently released on Prime…

The recent releases are CHOCKFUL of True Crime Documentaries!

Stories about murderers, abusers, abusive murderers, murderers who were abused, murderers who USED their ABS to ABUSE their dads!

It’s the perfect content! No big stars on the project means no budget, all profit!

The story based on publicly available news sources, so you don’t have to pay to license anything! You barely even have to pay writers, because the narrative is so cookie-cutter, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all

You don’t even have to obtain permission from the families of the victims!

Which is why they don’t!

You can stretch out basically a horrible crime story that wikipedia could sum up in seven or eight paragraphs into seven or eight EPISODES! Including several that are based on fringe theories that by the end, even the producers of the series seem to think were a waste of time to get into!

By the time this metacommentary on your content finishes processing through your mind, you’re already watching a documentary about…

THE SCARLET VERDICT!

The famed prosecutor-turned-killer who took the law into her own hands… Targeting the men that lady justice would turn her blindest eye toward… Giving blood-covered hands a simple smack on the wrist…

The episode is just starting to get into The Scarlet Verdict’s humble origins… Her home life… her brutal upbringing at the hands of two narcissistic megalomaniacs who called a trailer park in Steubenville, Ohio home… how her brother was her single solace and confidante, her sole ally in surviving their nightmarish upbringing…

And riiiiiight when the documentary is getting to the first of many shocking twists… the reveal that the parents separated the children by deceiving Verdict’s brother that she’d died in a housefire…

BEEP! A little clickable box pops up in the corner of your screen!

Enjoying this documentary about The Scarlet Verdict? Then you’ll LOVE this content about The Scarlet Verdict’s KILLER!

…

Maybe you’ll watch that later. You’re really getting into this docu-

BZZZZZZZZT goes the NeuralLink chip in your head.

…

Hmm. The smell of burnt toast reminds you how excited you are about this new content you’re just hearing about! You press the button and switch to…



THE MOST ELECTRIFYING MACHINE IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!

THE *TRUE* CRIME IS THAT HE’S NOT ON YOUR TV WAVES ALL THE TIME!

DWAYNE ‘THE GROK’ JOHNS-

”Narrator, if I wanted to hear some mealy-mouth, pencil-neck WIMP tell me how great I am, I’d call up your MOTHER and tell the UBER BLACK that  the GROK keeps under his FANNY PACK is ready to take her to O-TOWN, BABY! AND IT’S AN UBER POOL CUZ I GOT ENOUGH ROOM FOR FIVE ON IT!”

Hey! My mother is a saint!

”I know! That’s why when the Grok hits her with that motorized rockin’ that makes other honies come knockin’, she’s screaming OH GOD! OH GOD! Now drink a HEAPING HELPING of SHUT UP JUICE, cuz ain’t nobody tunin’ in on Warfare to see The Grok smack around some disembodied BITCH ASS VOICE!

…

I just…

I don’t know why you’re so mean to me…

I only talk about how cool you are… I thought th-

”IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THOUGHT.”

“NOW LISTEN HERE, JENNIE NICKLES.”

“SERIAL KILLER.”

“MISS SCARLET VERDICT.”

“THE VERDICT IS IN! THE GROK IS GONNA KICK YOUR MURDEROUS ASS UP AND DOWN THE SAN ANTONIO RIVERWALK UNTIL THE WATERS TURN SCARLET WITH YOUR BLOOD, BITCH.”

“AIN’T GONNA NEED NO LUMINOL TO SEE THE STAINS ON THIS CRIME SCENE, DETECTIVE! GONNA LEAVE YOU BURIED SIX FEET UNDER THE RING!”

“MISS ONE-TIME PROSECUTOR! THE GROK IS GONNA SMACK YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH A GAVEL UNTIL YOUR FACE IS LESS PRO-SE-CUTER AND MORE PRO-SE-DOG-UGLY!”

“MISS NO-ONE-SAW-IT-COMING! ALL THE NEIGHBORS SAY JENNIE NICHOLS WAS A QUIET KID THAT GREW UP IN A QUIET TOWN ON A QUIET STREET! MEANWHILE, THE GROK WAS BUILT IN A LAB TO THE CHEERS OF MILLIONS…”

…

“AND MILLIONS OF THE GROK’S FANS! THERE IS NO QUIET STREET WHEN THE GROK WALKS THROUGH IT! ALL HE HEARS WHEN THE GROK WALKS ARE THE MEN-BOTS WHO WANNA HEAR HIM TALK AND THE LADY-BOTS WHO WANT TO RIDE ON HIS…”

…

……

“SHOULDERS!”

The Grok executes a perfectly, three-point eyebrow raise.

”PULL OUT ALL THE CRIME SCENE TRICKS, JEN!”

“BLOOD SPATTER?!? IT DON’T MATTER!”

“FINGER PRINTS?!? THE PAIN’LL MAKE YOU WINCE!”

“RIGOR MORTIS?!? ERROR 404: RHYME NOT FOUND!”

“GET READY, MISS NICHOLS! YOUR WRESTLING AIN’T WORTH A DIME AND IN THE RING I AIN’T GIVIN’ YOU QUARTER!”

“I KNOW SERIAL KILLERS LOVE TAKING TROPHIES, BUT I ONLY CARE ABOUT ONE TROPHY, THE UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP! AND IF YOU’RE IN MY WAY ON MONDAY, IN SAN ANTONIO! YOU’RE GONNA END UP A VICTIM OF THE GROK!”

“IF YOU CAN FATHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!”

“WHAT THE GROK!”

“IS!”

“MEANING!”